Think Happy Thoughts

Ahhh!!!

2012-02-05T21:17:00.000-08:00

I love my son more then anything in this world I would go to crazy measures to make sure he was happy, healthy and getting everything he needs in life! But tonight man I wish he would just go back to sleep! He has been crying for a half hour, now I'm not a mean mom not full on crazy crying just like I'm going to cry for a second every min cause I'm so unhappy and don't want to be in this stupid room alone. He is not feeling well and is just miserable!

On a plus side the Man followed through today which I was shocked at! Really and truly shocked I was ready to start packing and just move on with my life and I totally didn't expect him to follow through because it has been a rough go at it for us but he did. A pleasant surprise now we just need to start our plan on getting to a place of greatness. You see we talked about a plan that we wanted to have but I wasn't going to jump on board that band wagon with the way things had been going. We talked about connecting better and more meaningfully, he wanted to buy a new bigger place with me on the home owner list, we talked about learning how to fight better, he talked about a dog (not for a few long years!), we talked about a lot of things that would make our path to being the best couple possible but I really wasn't on board cause I didn't feel like he was making effort to include me more in his life and make choices to be a grown man that appreciates me and his son!

Well so now we have a whole lot of work ahead of us and I was not willing to invest that time if he wasn't willing to do some things and mean them. So now I make the choice to learn to trust him again, to forgive the things that have happened and move forward. This will be hard for me to do but the thing is that you only live once and I want to be happy. This year is my year of joy and happy me. So in order to be happy and joyful I must do these things or I will forever relive all the hurtfulness from the past little while. Maybe these choices are not what most would think are the right ones but I feel that they are right for me now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and wish I would have made different choices but I'm doing what feels right. So far that has gotten me to some pretty great things in my life. Like having my son. That was a hard choice because I had a lot of people tell me not to do it but I did what I felt was right and now I am blessed with a wonderful little man who I love more then anything even when he is crying every minute! Like moving to Calgary god everyone thought I was so stupid but it helped me learn so much about myself and really for the first time I loved who I was, and where I was and what I was doing, I found joy in life and was so happy. Well ok not right away but for about 4 years I was just enjoying my life, sure it had its rocky moments and times when I thought that I might not get through it all but all in all when I look back on it I was so happy with life I felt great.

So I want to feel that way again and now its about moving forward and healing my heart and should from the last little while and having someone who wants to help me heal because he loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be, for me and our little man. He said that to me today. So I am willing to be open to love and open to trust but man am I ever a little worried. But they say the greats things are also the most scary! Which I would believe so heres hoping.

Any way I think I have written enough for tonight and my little man has fallen asleep again by the lack of sounds coming out of his room so thats great! Have sweet dreams everyone and I am positively look forward to my year of happy.

Feeling lost

2012-01-31T21:20:00.002-08:00

Sometimes things just speak to you and let you know this is it, other times you are just straining to hear a little tiny voice say what your doing is what you are meant to be doing and nothing at all comes through. I feel like I have nothing coming through lately. I'm not sure about the work I'm doing right now or what I should be doing instead. I'm not sure where my future is going to take me. I'm not sure if I'm happy where I am living. I'm not sure if my partner is the right person for me. I'm not sure if I want the things I say I want. I'm not sure about a lot and mostly I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. I feel a little at odds with life at the moment. In fact the only thing I am sure about is that I love my son and I am so over joyed he is in my world. But what that world is, thats up for questioning. I'm also not really sure where this is all coming from. I feel like I should be doing something but I don't really have the time or money (mainly money) to do it. Also I'm not sure I have the dedication I would need right now in order to achieve it. So what should I do in the mean time? Well I have the answer for that also but I just have to find it.

I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.

There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.

I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.

2012-01-31T21:20:00.001-08:00

10 on Wednesday

2012-01-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

So my sister has been doing this 10 on Tuesday thing and I am board and not feeling so great so I thought I would do my today. . . 10 on Wednesday :)

1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!

2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.

3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.

4. Do you like accents?
Yes!

5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.

6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!

7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!

8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that

9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!

10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.

On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!

I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.

Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!

I bid adieu to 2011

2011-12-31T20:51:00.000-08:00

New years eve is here and we are about to say good bye to 2011 and hello to 2012, it has been a year for sure! Amazing moments, sad days, hard days but all and all I think one of the best years for me because I was blessed with a lovely little man who really made my year.

He learnt how to pick his head up, roll over, crawl, walk and started to want to run all in one year, this year. He has learnt words and how to ask for things he wants with out words. He has learnt about so much and grown so much and has turned my world totally upside down in the most wonderful way! He has such a lovely personality and is just a gem and I am the most proud momma in the whole world and I cant wait to see him grow and change more this year to come.

I have never really been the kind of person to make resolutions its really not my thing. But I have always tried to make one or two goals and this year there are a few things I would like to see happen in this coming year. I think one of the biggest ones is to find my smile again, I think I have lost it, as I have been pretty sad these last few months, its just been a hard go at life and I forget what its like to be me. This past two years my life has changed in large ways and I feel like I lost my smile though a lot of the shit that has occurred. So I would like to bring joy back into my life.

Any way I'm getting sleepy and I think I might not make it until mid night to bring in the New Year as it happens. But 2011 has been many highs and a few lows, it has been full of new things and has taught me lots. Now I bid adieu to dear 2011.

Happy Birthday to my Sister

2011-12-29T12:43:00.000-08:00

Dearest sister of mine, today is your birthday and I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and have a glass of wine with you. Welcome to old age :P I had to say it once. But I hope this year brings you all the joy and love that you need!! I hope that you are smiling today and I hope that you know I love you and miss you ever day!

xoxoxo

Blah!

2011-12-28T20:17:00.000-08:00

Sick babies are a whole bunch more work then anyone ever tells you, and to top it off I feel like ass myself but its a different kind of sick. He is coughing, runny noise, and just over all sick. I am feeling barffy and just blah kinda sick. It sucks balls! I seem to feel worse at night for some reason and I'm not sure why. Needless to say I hope everyone in my house feels better soon!

What else... well I would like some one to tell me when I might feel better about my ass of a Man I mean I have good days where I think that its going to be alright and things are good but then today happens and I just hate him again! I know he feels bad and I know he is trying but I'm not sure thats enough some times. Its just painful to know what has happened here and it makes me sick some times. Like tonight and I'm not sure why its coming up tonight but it is, and it sucks!

What else is going on . . . well in a week and a bit we are going to see the in laws, which is great, they are suck good people I just wish there son was the same, and I know somewhere he is but fuck man this is just ass! OK so I really feel like ass tonight and I am mad like mad mad mad mother fucking mad, and I don't like it sometimes I think I should just get it over with and move on but then I remember that he does make me feel good and I do care about him and that I did want a life with him and I don't know what to do after that, but I feel broken tonight and I think my hormones might have something to do with this! Blah!

Any way I'm excited about going away and seeing the in laws and getting some good swim time in! Also I'm excited for next week cause someone is finally going to come fix the stupid floor and I might get my living room back by the end of next week!! How exciting!!

Something to try and get my smile back:
I love that little man more then anything in this world, and in all his sickness he is still the cutest kid ever. He was sitting snuggling with me and all the sudden jumped up, fell into my lap looked at me and smiled but and said mom. Then sat up looked and me and "kissed" (really its like a lick) my cheeks three times and then hugged me.

I love him! I thank all the goodness in the world for him every day! I am so proud to be his mom and I am so excited to see him grow and change and learn and become a wonderful man! Give it up for your kids! Cause honestly they make your life 100 million times more amazing then anything else could ever!

Twas the night before Christmas

2011-12-24T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well it has been a while since I last wrote but life has been a bit hard lately. Just with the man and the things we have been through things have been hard. I have been home to see my family, have been to a talk to some one about our issues and have been getting ready to have my lovely little mans second Christmas. This time last year my son was just a month old and so small. My cousin had a baby just a few days ago and it totally takes me back a year and to how different my life was. Things have for sure changed! I think that the Man and I have been making some progress but at the same time he is so rude to me some times. I kind of gave him an ultimatum to prove that he is committed to me and this relationship or that I will leave in the new year after we have gone to court. So we will see how that goes. I still don't totally trust him and I don't know if I will ever really forgive him but things are better for the moment.

My friend has gone through something the same and she texted me today saying how unhappy she is and if she wasn't so afraid of being alone she would leave him. But she is amazing and wouldn't have a problem finding someone who would be amazing to her. I totally get where she is coming from though! I am totally scared to be alone and for my son to not feel like he has the best of everything. The more I talk to the kids at my work about there families the more it makes me want to make this work and work great for him. Most of the kids come from broken homes and some come from super dysfunctional homes. The other day this weird little boy that is so cute was drawing with me and we where chatting and I said something about making his mom a card cause all moms like cards. He looked at me all odd and said "I don't have a mom!" then rolled his eyes. It made my heart break, no mom, who has no mom, I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was a sweet smart lovey little guy and that I'm sure his mom loved him. So sad!

Also there is this little girl who is my fav from them all she is so sweet and so kind. She is also smart and so pretty and is just such a great person! She was telling me about how its so hard not living with he mom and dad. she never sees he dad and when she does she doesn't know how to act around him because she doesn't know him enough. She also went on to tell me about how she was really excited to get to spend Christmas with him this year and really have some time with him. How sweet and how sad. Its so hard this whole life thing.

Any way I spent the day doing some last minute shopping and then went to the Mans work and we cleaned the car from top to bottom and then changed the little mans seat to be forward facing. He is so big!! They grow way to fast. Man do I ever love that kid! Like I don't think I ever knew you could love someone so much but I love him more then anything and larger then I ever have loved anything in my life!

Any way Christmas is tomorrow and I'm excited for the New Year because it will be full of change no matter what so its going to be a big year I think. I love you all I miss my family! I wish we where together for the holidays but just know I love you and my heart is with you!

Merry Christmas!

A joyful and breaking heart all at the same time

2011-11-18T20:49:00.000-08:00

First I feel so blessed in my life to have the most amazing little man ever he is smart, cute, silly and just the best thing in the world. I love him more then anything in this world and tomorrow he is one! One year ago today I sat in a hospital waiting for him to come, I was all alone because the Man didn't spend a lot of time with me there. I can't believe how fast time has gone by and that tomorrow he will be one year old! What a year its been he is so amazing and how he has changed is just wow! Joyful heart of mine I love him so I am so thankful for him and the gifts he brings me every day.

Now to address the heart break... the man cheated on me, on November 4 he went away for some job thing and because I didn't go he thought it would be a good call to post on craigslist looking for sex and then he met someone and did the unthinkable in my mind, he had sex with her. On November 7th I found out about it and life will never be the same. We will be going to court on Monday to see who gets the right to raise our son. I don't have much doubt that I will because I am an amazing mom and I will do right by that boy!

I can't believe he is tossing this all away I even asked if he would be willing to do some things so we could work on stuff, who the fuck does that? And he will not do anything. I think I am just so hurt by all of this I feel empty and sad. But I know my future will be bright because I will have the most important person in the world in my life. My son! Whom I love if you didn't notice :P

I just wish the man wanted to fight for me but really what makes me think he would he slept with someone else! I hate that he has done this to us, and I really hate him for all of this. More then anything though I think I'm just really sad. I wanted a life that now I'm not sure I will find. Maybe I will but now I'm a package deal and have a ton of baggage so its going to be a hard go at life for the next little while.

Wish me luck, hopefully will up date soon.

Have you ever felt like just crying?

2011-11-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

So I feel super over worked! The Man is on night shifts and I am on baby duty all the fucking time, cause he sleeps once he is home. I have felt over worked for the last year almost because it feels like I do everything for that kid, its a little exhusting! I am so happy that I am going back to work and he can get a taste of what its like to take care of him cause I'm burnt out! I totally love that little man but man some times I just need a break. OH and I'm totally going out for the first time with some ladies tomorrow! WOOh yeah! Excited!!!

what else... well the man turned down the job in the other city, so we are staying here and I get to work which I have never been so happy about! I feel kind of bad saying this but I can't wait to be baby free for a few hours a day! I've never felt so drained and speaking of which I should go cause I'm exhusted. I just really needed to vent cause I'm feeling a bit nuts!

wow time flys

2011-11-10T06:27:00.000-08:00

So in a little more then a week my lovely little man will be one! One year old, I can't believe I am here at this stage, some times it seems a bit surreal but I wouldn't have it any other way because he is the love of my life. I never knew I could be so in love! Thats not true I did I just didn't know it would be with a little tiny man!

We are at a cross roads The Man has a job offer in another city and isn't sure what to do yet, he has to tell them today! I also got a job offer for a part time gig that would allow me to be at home with my little man and still make some money but it is here. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation.

Blah my computer is about to loss batter power and my charger is on a different level so I guess thats all I have to say for now.

Time for an update

2011-10-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been busy lately, I've had a visit from my wonderful sister. A surprise of my "in-laws" and one of my Mans aunts because his grandma pasted away and they all stayed here for one night. His Aunt has since been back and we got to hang out for a day and then went to Thanksgiving at his other aunts house in town here. Fun times... it was a nice thanksgiving but I think the food made me feel ill boo, and I think my little man as well isn't feeling so great! We are still waiting on my in laws return because my mother in law is not doing so well she has a kidney stone that I guess is just hurting so much, she has been in the hospital out east three times and they are hoping she will feel better and are waiting for them to zap that bad boy out! I hope that it goes well.

Let me just say this now, I do love my parents, but they kind of sucked growing up and they have sucked even harder the past oh 8 years or so. They have never been great parents but I think they did what they thought was the best they could, but they are shitty grandparents and have been super shitty parents the last little while. That said I love my in laws! They are so caring and loving and so great to my son it is not even funny, so the thought of her not doing well sucks balls because she is freaking great to us and me! I hope she is ok. Please note I would feel bad if my mom was sick to cause shes my mom but this lady doesn't have to love me she doesn't have to even like me and she treats me like I'm one of her own so having someone in your life who loves you for just being you and is kind to you and wants to learn about who you are and what you like is pretty great. I know that they would be there for us no matter what and that is something I can truly say my parents would never do, and I know this from very recent experiences! ERR assholes! nough said.

My visit with my sister was the most thankful thing I have had in a while, it was so nice to just hang out and laugh and cry and all that jazz with her, and I think I'm going to ask instead of ever sending me another gift or card or anything again I just get a promise to see he at least once a year! That would be the best gift I could ever want or get. Oh and she must bring wine :P
PS I know your reading this and just know I love you and being able to call you my sister is amazing but knowing we are friends and can talk about anything just about blows my mind on how freaking great that is! I love you sis!

What else... oh my lovely little man is testing the shit out of me lately, I love him more then anything in this world but man he is just getting on my last nerve lately and I really feel like I need a mini break from him. Just like a full 24 hours sans baby. Maybe I should ask Santa for that! lord. But I love him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about work yet, my future seems a bit of a blur right now. But I'm hoping things will work out. Any way I think we might go with the Man tonight on a road trip so I should pack and get things ready well the little man is sleeping.

Things are better

2011-09-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Well things are getting better The Man and I have talked and talked a lot about how things are and the why things got they way they did. So I think we are on the road to recovery and getting better. He said he doesn't know what he would do with out us and he doesn't want to see that day. So that was nice to hear and I hope things keep on this way.

My little man is growing more and more and changing every day and he is just so amazing! In a short week and a bit we are going to have a wonderful visit from the most amazing sister ever! We have a little surprise for her also once she gets here... more motivation to come as soon as possible. We can't wait to see her!

Any way my little man loves the computer and isn't very helpful yet with is so I'm going to go cause he just wants attention from me so until soon.

PS
I'm so happy that things are feeling a bit better, what a hard few days, but who said I liked it easy in the first place. It all just is making me strong and giving me more dimensions as a person.

what a lovely day!

2011-09-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

So today and for the past few weeks it has been amazing here today it already like 29 and its only 2! I have an interview tonight for a part time job which would mean I could spend more time with my son which is awesome! So whats new, things are still rocky on the home front but I think it might be workerable we will see how things go over the nex few weeks. We tried to go swimming today at this man made lake but they closed for the session! Lame!

I was thinking about going out again today but we have had a busy morning so I'm not sure now, the little man is pretty sleepy! Oh well I just wanted to up date and let everyone know I'm alive and busy! :)

when is enough, really enough?

2011-08-27T21:25:00.000-07:00

Well it has truly been a while since I have updated, what is new? well ok we will get there, were have I been? I've been on vacation - road trip home seeing everyone, introducing my little man to a second cousin and hanging out well the Man had an interview. My little man is growing and growing he is climbing up on everything, starting to want to move around more and more on his feet, getting into everything and is slowly finding his own little world and a tiny bit of Independence. I can now leave him to play and do other things, its kind of nice. But when he thinks he is alone lord let the crying monster come on out. Regardless I love him more then words can even begin to say. He is my breath, my heart, my love, my all. This little man has taken my heart forever, he is so amazing!

The adult man not so much, tonight I am alone in my bed well the Man is down staires I think sleeping. woop give it up for fighting. Which beings me to my question at hand, when is enough truly enough? We had a big blow out because he can be a little insensitive, and I had it I was ready to pack me and the little man up and go, like more ready then I have ever been. In fact I had visions of tossing some hard large object at him taking my baby and never talking to him again. But then I thought that might not be such a great call. Well tonight yet again four things he said where on the NO NEVER AGAIN list and they in fact did come out of his month then he fucked up the little mans bed time schedule did a bunch of things wrong and to top it off the little man almost fell off the bed but I was there (thank god) to catch him! So now what I have told him that if things didn't change that was it I was done and we would be gone! Well after hmmm 5 short lived days guess what the ass is back. So now what? well tomorrow we have a little conversation and if it goes the way I think it will we will be back on working on getting him to understand how things need to work and if it goes bad then well I'm done and I think enough truly is enough and my little man and I will move on and life will be crazy and hard but who said I ever liked the easy road? Not me, for some reason I like to take the hard road and fight with everything I have to prove to myself that I can in fact do it!

Any way that is my up date things are shitty at home! I have a lovely little man that means the world to me and he is all that matters! So I will do whatever is best for us and at this point I'm thinking it might be best for us just to be us for a while, but we will see.

Now its bed time. night night

I hate it when I can't sleep

2011-07-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

So tonight I can't sleep I have all of these thoughts in my head and am having a hard time falling asleep the little man passed out with no issue tonight didn't even need a snuggle just feel asleep, and The Man is off snoring away, making it even harder to fall asleep. I'm not sure why I get like this wait I do my OCD father. I try to not do stuff like he did but some times I check the locks a few times and if I hear something really odd I have a piece of wood that I grab and then go and see what is making that sound. All those nights of my dad with a gun looking around the house kind of made an impression on me. I get all these crazy thoughts and then can't sleep. To make it worse last night I woke up in tears because I had the worst headache I have ever had. Sucked! Especially because the little man didn't wake up at all last night and I could have gotten a great sleep. Maybe some day, I must say that I was not at all like this before but as soon as my son came I turned into a crazy person.

So what else is on my mind well I keep reading and hearing about scary things about the bad stuff we are doing to our world and I wonder what the hell is wrong with people like why are we not listening? Why are we still consuming as much, why are we still wasting, why are we killing our home? Like don't we want our kids and grand kids and all the people of the world past us and them to have a place to live? Don't we want to see people move on and forward? Since when did we get this standard thought of if its not in our time its no big deal why worry? Well I want to see my baby grow up and I want to see him have babies and I want to have a full great life but beyond that I want all the people in the world to have the same opportunity that I have, to age and live and go on to see there families age and live and I know my son will want the same for his kids and grand kids and so on. But where is civic responsibility? Where is pride in our world? As Sam Roberts says "Where have all the good people gone"? Its like people just don't care, do you know this year I have only seen about 5 bees, and all around my house so more then likely its the same bee but I have seen him 5 times. Maybe a few more but I remember when bees where everywhere, and not just bees but yellow jackets and other bugs, but for some reason I don't see them any more. Where have we gone so wrong? Is this really what industrialization brings us? Well maybe someone should have rethought that!

Any way that is my rant for the night about that. We have a vacation coming up but we are not sure what we will do yet. I was hoping to see my brother and have him meet my family but I'm sure if I will get to do that now. Blah! What else my little man has been a hand full lately he is getting into everything and we really need some gates, but like big gates! 7 foot gates! hard to find for a good price! I'm hoping I can get them soon so I don't have to be on him all the time and can start giving him and me a little bit more freedom. Ahh we will see any way I'm off for the night to hopefully catch some zzz's :) night night

So little time!

2011-07-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

Well I have been busy walking, meeting with other moms and babies and teaching my little man to eat table foods woop! Its been a pretty fun summer so far and I hope it gets even better!!! I had a phone interview yesterday for a job that I think I would love it would be working with youth and getting them interested in volunteering. I would get to make presentations and talk to people all the time which for any one who knows me is totally me! I would LOVE doing this. But we will see The Man has been getting a lot of interviews out of the city which is great but also if I get this job would suck balls! Oh well you never know I guess we will see!

What else my little man is crawling, not traditional crawling but his version and he gets around just fine, he is fast! If he was "normal" crawling I can't imagine how I would keep tabs on him. He loves to try whatever we are eating and if he can't he gets so up set. I need to start getting some more baby friendly food in the house. He loves oranges and water, silly guy. But he is also not wanting to eat some things which is hard! But I'm hoping that will change.

We are going to look at a car tonight that we have seen once now and have made an offer on, but we are going to take a more detailed look at the car and just make sure that its going to work for us its not insured so we can't really get it to a shop to have it looked at but I think its in good shape plus its a great price so we are going to lift it up look under it and check a few things and then if The Man says yes it will be ours. My first ours car! crazy! Its a cute little sporty mazda and its black! wooh We will see what tonight brings.

Any way I have some stuff to do before my love gets up from his nap. Have a lovely day!!

Thank god for a fast mommy!

2011-07-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

So my little man is totally on the move he is rolling a bunch and starting to crawl and its just so fast its crazy and he is quick like super quick so he was on a change table and started to roll and fell but guess who caught him just in time? Me! Lord! I was just freaking out but thank god he is ok. What the hell? ahhh oh well he is ok and all is well I think he was a little shaken up cause he cried but was alright in no time and is now sleeping poor guy so sleepy. I got him a curtain rod today to hang some curtain's cause its so light in his room and he has been having a hard time sleeping.

We are on a search for a new to us car and the search isn't going so well hopefully we get some luck soon cause bula is on her last legs here, she needs to retire, big time. We can't really go any where until we have a new car and I would like to see my brother this summer but who knows. It sure would be nice if someone came to use to visit besides the inlaws. No one from my family has been here and it pisses me off a little bit. Oh wait my mom has been here for like a minute but thats it and I'm so unimpressed with all of them right now. I wish I was a bit more important to come see. Things not to do to my son when he is older. err any way that was a vent moment. I should get going to make the little man lunch.

Sunny Sunny day!

2011-06-29T13:24:00.000-07:00

I have a lovely sleeping little man, in his play pen of course! Man is it a nice day we spent the morning playing with some new musical toys, fantastic! And learning how to transplant flowers, he learnt I showed :) Cleaned the deck and now have two pots full of lovely flowers. Wooh I wish I would have gotten deck hangers but whatever its all good. What else well after my post I think I'm going to take out the trash and maybe dishes. We will see how long he sleeps for. What else? Hmm I'm not sure really. Next week we start a class which I think he will love.

Okay so a moment to talk about a part of the males body. So my little man is not circumcised because I couldn't hold him down and pay for some one to harm him in that kind of a way. Well for the last 4 months he has had a bump on his penis and I check on it make sure its not growing until we can get an appointment with a specialist. Today I checked on it and noticed something new something that scares the crap out of me it seems that the little tiny whole where his penis should come out is really little and tiny and almost was bleeding when I went to check on the bump. So this means he might have to get cut :( Which totally makes me up set because I don't want to put him through this. Mostly I don't want to go through it he is going to be so up set about it and its going to SUCK! bahhh but we made an appointment because I'm not sure and I just want to be sure that we have to do this. SUCKS! man I don't want to hold him down well someone cuts his man parts :(

Any way I should run to do the trash before the little man wakes up and wants to play again. Oh and its an amazing day out! wooh

Oh sun shine how do I love you

2011-06-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well today is just a great day, its sunny out and I have a napping little man, who just woke up as we speak. Yesterday we learnt a shitty lesson don't let the baby sleep on the sofa any more. I think you can figure out why that might be. SUCKED ass! I didn't even think about him ever falling off. Lesson learnt and now the play pen is set up for sleeping.

What else trying to clean up and get things in order I think I might plant some flowers over the weekend for the deck. Also we are going to see the little man;s first fire works :) on Canada Day! Wooh I think we might try to check out some activities. Fun!

Any way I should run the little man is ready to come out of the play pen and have some fun.

Whats New

2011-06-13T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well not a whole lot is new really we've been travelling a lot and trying to clean up around the house cause my little man is starting to want to be on the move more. Its almost crawler ready but there are still some things we need before he gets more on the move like a big gate. Correction two big gates would be great one 7foot and on 80 inch. Do you think I will find that? haha not so lucky yet still looking might just have to make shift something.

I'm pretty cranky today but I'm so sore and stiff and just want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed for once and I have a feeling thats not going to happen for a long long time. The little man is doing pretty great, he is still teething and waiting for teeth I hope they come soon so he can be a bit more comfortable. He likes to sleep on his tummy at night but then he wakes up and doesn't want to be on his tummy and gets upset but doesn't turn, so after about 15 mins of crying someone gets up turns him and back to bed it is. Its so exhausting! I wish he could just get back on track with sleep!

Hmm My dog is on a week stay with one of my friends and I think they might want to keep her which is kind of sad for me cause I would miss her but I think it would be a better living arrangement for her right now. We just can't give her the love she needs. But we will see we are going shopping on Friday and going to talk about how things went. I knew as soon as they took her for a few nights they would love her and want to keep her.

Well any way I should get going before my little lovely one gets up. He is so sleepy today, but he missed one of his naps so that might explan that. Any who thats it for now.

So sleepy

2011-06-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

Well I am tired what a long trip, I am so glad to be home! My eye is all better and feel like I'm getting back on track now I just need to come to grips with the whole flying thing at the end of the coming week BARF. Not looking forward to that but it will be nice to see what the town is like. Who knows we might end up living there. Well that is if we don't end up spliting up. Thats a whole other story, I'm kind of at the end of my rope and I am done trying to make it work I would rather bring up my little man alone then be unhappy all the time and not feel loved. I'm not feeling loved at all right now I feel lonely and alone. Thankfully I have a wonderful little man that is my world!

Lord its going to be a hard few months! I can feel it. Any who my little man is amazing he is trying to crawl he can roll and roll and roll for miles and he can move around the house a little he likes to push himself but is trying to get up and move it will be no time before he is on the go and we are in real trouble! lol He is so amazing, its so great watching him grow and learn. woop.

Any way I should get going so I can get ready to go shopping.

ROAR

2011-05-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

So last night The Man went to try and move the little man to his crib, way away from his body and the little man started moving and waking up and freaking out and instead of listening to me saying move him close to your body and cradle him he gives him back to me. Not nicely not nice just like here take the kid and in the process the little mans arm swings fast towards my face and his little finger goes right into my eye and moves across it so fast that I didn't know what happened right away. Then it starts to hurt, like you have no idea the pain an eye can give it just f'ing hurts but I think ok its just irritated you are fine cry it out and go to bed.

Well so much for that idea after tossing and turning for 2 hours because it hurts so much I call the health line and the nurse says you need to get to the hospital right away, I will call an ambulance to get you and I say no no I can get there. So I drive myself to the hospital not seeing so great but I get there in one piece. They numb my eye and tell me that I have a surface scratch across the bottom of my cornea. Awesome! So I get antibiotics and a wonderful needle for tetanus, F*** Awesome! Most shity thing he can`t give me any of the magic numbing stuff because it slows heal time, so I`m in pain, big pain most all day. My eye hurts and waters and then hurts more because the watering stings. I am so mad at the Man like I know he didn`t mean to get the little mans hand in my eye but have some care for your kid and the mother of your child. Don`t be so ruff and so bitchy about him almost waking up. Be kind and slow with him he is little. GOD I'm so pissed this hurts so much and to top it off I'm suppose to be driving to see his parents tomorrow. Its about a 7 hour drive if you don't stop for long. With a fucked up eye and poor vision that will only take longer. If I even go now because I'm not sure I should drive like this. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK STUPID! ERR

Thats all

6 month shots

2011-05-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

Well today is my little mans 6 month shots and last time he was so NOT a happy camper after for the rest of the day. So last night he had a melt down we are not sure what happened but as soon as we went up to the bed room he was a happy camper again. Crazy. I'm sure today will not be much better poor little guy. Also my last post was about this crazy end of the world thing which I later found out was just a judgement day and for the next 5 months we will be tormented and then in October the world will end. Information which for some reason they left out because everyone understanding was that the end was coming. Well I guess they needed to change the story when nothing happened!

What else we are off to the in laws in two sleeps. I have a bunch of packing to do and need to do a few things to the car. Change the one of the lights check the oil and antifreeze and gas up at some point... then I think we are ready to go well and pack the car. Blah fun times. hmm what else? Not to much really I'm totally looking forward to shopping in the states in a few days! WOOH Thats it for now, till next time.

The End

2011-05-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

So some crazy people say tonight is our last night on this earth and alive. You know the funny thing is I have not heard about this until just yesterday, I'm not sure how they kept it under wraps for some long. Like we all know about the coming 2012 that one has be talked about forever but this one is totally new to me. So the thing I kind of wonder if people in other countries get the end of the world message. Like Africa do you think they talk about it there? Or better yet in Italy, I kind of want to go away for the 2012 thing and just see what other people in some other country say. Just cause I think its kind of an American free monger thing. They just want to make people fear so that they can control the masses a little more.

Any way that said my little man is 6 months old he can sit he can roll back to tummy but not tummy to back yet boo! He blows his lips and now just started to stick his tongue out at the same time, totally cute. We are going to see his grandparents in wow 4 days! crazy I thought it was farther away, wow I have a lot to do before we have to go, lord! Any way I can start all that tomorrow. Any way I should run things to do.

I love spring and the on set of Summer

2011-05-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

I forget how much I like to be outside in the winter and then its +20 for the last three days and it reminds me about enjoying the sun and loving going out. We have walked the past two days because I love to be out I wish we had a better deck or a yard that we could get out in and enjoy. Right now its the perfect time because there are few bugs and I hate bugs gross. Important but gross, speaking of important I kind of wonder where all the bugs... hmm odd.

My little man is doing well he is learning lots and growing up more and more. I am enjoying every moment I have with him I love watching him grow and learn I can't wait until he can talk and tell me all the wonderful things in his mind :) So exciting!!

He is now eating three meals a day, well our first day trying any way. Seems to have gone well today but he was not very hungry at dinner but I think thats to be expected. Plus he hates the lumpy texture. Any way little man needs me so go to run.

Crazy

2011-05-08T17:26:00.001-07:00

So my little man went to check out a new doctor today which went alright but we also found out that he lost almost 4 lbs, in a week and a half! My poor sicky he was so ill he didn't eat well and well now we know that he lost a ton for someone his size. He also grew a bunch about an inch and a half! Nuts I thought he was getting skinner but I didn't think he had grown that much in high he is in the 97% for height and down to the 85% for weight which is a giant change for weight because he was in the 96% before, thats crazy!

He is still a little sick with a cough but other wise he is eating a lot better and hanging out having fun. We are looking forward to going west to spend some time with the grandparents! They are so excited for him to come they can't wait to introduce him to all there friends! So awesome, they are really great! Today was my first mothers day and I must say I was a little cranky all day due to that I have not been sleeping all that great lately but it was still great I always dreamed about being a mommy to someone and I'm a mommy to someone super special now. I never knew you could love someone so much, he just captures my heart every day and I love him more then anything. I'm the proudest momma ever!

He rolled back finally, but didn't really pay attention and now has forgotten again how to roll back onto his back. Silly boy! I hope he figures it out soon! Its raining here sometimes I miss the rain because we don't get a whole lot. Any way my little man has gotten on his tummy I'm going to go and try to get him to roll back on his own. Till next time.

Update

2011-05-06T22:12:00.000-07:00

well I thought I would change up my blog a bit to give it a bit of a new zing. Whats new? Well my little man still has a cough and isn't feeling all that peachy yet but he is getting better. We are going to the grandparents at the end of the month and they are looking forward to the visit. We are also going to be going into the states, which I am pretty excited about!

My little man will be 6 months on the 19th can you believe it half a year has pasted already and I am closer to having to leave him with someone else, something I am not looking forward to! Any way I'm totally getting sleepy... tomorrow we will go for a walk try and get my hip feeling better. Its been bugging me big time the last few days. I need to find a pool noodle as well tomorrow.

Ahhh I should really get to bed or at lest go check on my little man make sure he is ok, he has been trying to roll over in his sleep and since he is just learning how to roll back it concerns me a little. Any way night night all

Rock your Right to vote!

2011-05-01T22:55:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow we in Canada go to the polls to vote who will run our country, and although Mr.Harper has been doing an alright job or what you see is alright he was tossed for a reason. A few of which where some of the lovely new parts of laws he was trying to pass in the federal budget. For example changing the law for people who have to pass environment regulations making it so not ever business would have to have their equipment checked to pass. Only certain things and companies and you would have to have ever piece checked but only part. Well great we are doing a bang up job at killing our planet why not omit companies from passing laws. Thanks Mr Harper for that.

I'm sure you have all heard that the USA super villain is dead, Osama bin laden and that people are rejoicing in the streets. woo I think this was a smart movie by Obama to get another term in house. But who knows. I think its funny how so many people think this person was so evil but over 66 years ago a really bad man died. A man who single handed almost took the world... Hitler. I thought it was may 1 but I was wrong it was April 30 so close any way I think its crazy that people forget what a real bad person is and what they are able to do. Just my opinion.

Any way I have a very upset little man I think he has reflux... that would explain why I had a happy baby and now have an angry little person in the evenings he is just so up set. So what leads me to believe it is reflux is that he was trying to spit up all night it seems like thats all he wanted to do was just spit up and then he started arching his back like crazy so I googled this and it said reflux and then describe other things that might be going on with it and well he gets a check mark by everything. My poor little man I think it might be the rice cereal doing so we are going to cut out that and see if it makes an improvement, we are also going to have plan yogurt twice a day and see if we can get this better fast cause he is so unhappy it is not even funny.

Any way I'm totally exhausted so I need to hit the hay. Night world.

Road to Recovery

2011-04-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

Well everyone in my house is starting to feel better which is great the little man is having a nap right now and is breathing through his nose!! Woop I feel better and the Man feels better. So scary news the Man finds out tomorrow if he is going to be laid off for how long who knows but that will kind suck for him. As well as for us cause of all the whole money tight thing. The little man is trying to sit on his own its pretty cute he gets up right and is all proud of himself then tips over and gets this confused look on his face too cute :)

I applied for a job yesterday it would be a great job and I would really like it a lot it kind of combines my world of policy and procedures and social work which I think would be ideal I would still work on implementing change and get to counsellor again! There is another one that I am really interested in and might apply for today. I`m not ready at all to go back to work because I love spending time with my little man but these kinds of jobs do not come up often and some time at all so I am going to risk it and see what happens. I miss work alot some times but I would miss the little man more! We will see. I might start looking to build a home business with little ones and music therapy. Something I love a lot and it seems to be something people really enjoy doing. Plus I could charge a fraction of the cost that some of the other places do and give them better services. But we will see.

What else, well the weather is suppose to go from sunny and lovely to rain and possible snow! LORD I say no more snow its almost May. I got my passport application in woop! I should be on my way out of the country in a month! I have a few sight seeing things I would like to do. Any way the little man is being super needy right now so I should go.

Gah!

2011-04-24T07:11:00.001-07:00

So I am still totally sick only now I can't breath and I have the hack of a cough which feels like my lungs are going to come out with it. You this is the first time I've been sick since being with child and it sucks! Also its the first time I have had a cough like this and not been a smoker. I remember when I smoked I would get this wicked cough that felt like I was going to die from it and it was just gross but that was because I was a smoker. This cough well it is a little like that only it hurts way more. I don't remember what coughs where like before I smoked it was so long ago but I don't recall them like this. Lord! I sound like I smoke, gross.

Which buy the way lets write about I have been a non smoker for over a year now! Go me go! I must say there are times where I still get cravings how crazy is that? But then I smell someone who is a smoker and I remember all the money I wasted and I think now that would be stupid to start again. Plus I have a family that I need to be here for. Its bad enough that I might have cervical cancer I don't need anything else thank you (we will get the cancer part in a moment). I smoked for 11 years! Lord what a long time to damage your body! Things I miss: controlling my craving for food, weight loss, the social factor but thats going out of style, being ID'ed now I know thats silly but I don't really drink so I don't really get ID'ed any more. I think thats about it though.

okay the big C word... so about two years ago I was told I had an abnormal pap, ok what does that mean? Well it means its not normal and rather then waiting a year to have one you have to do it in 6 months. Okay why? no one can really tell you, it could mean a lot of things... great so 6 months later I get one and the doctor fails to call and tell me its abnormal again and 3 months later I am with child so they leave it alone and say after the baby comes we will do it again. So at my 6 week check up I ask to have it done they recommend waiting... ok why well because it might read wrong so wait another month then guess what abnormal again so they set me up with an appointment for a Colposcopy which is not until JULY. bah fun times so I might have cancer and it might be getting worse and they could do something about but not until July. Thanks medical system you can kiss my ass, that said July is closer now then it was when they told me about the appointment. Any way that is that and I hope that it is just something small not the big C I really would like to have another baby some day.

What else well I'm still sick haha I really would like to feel better. I think my whole family would like to feel better as we are all sick boo! Any way thats all for now I'm going to try and rest before they all get up!

Our First cold

2011-04-22T12:47:00.000-07:00

Well my little man is 5 months old and my whole house is sick. It started with me feeling the worst and slowly lead to him getting sicker and sicker. Last night was just bad he was to hot and coughing and so sick it was just not any fun at all plus with me feeling sick it makes it ten times worse cause I need to rest and feel better but I can't unless he is. He is sleeping now which is good cause he needs all the rest he can get right now to feel better. I hope this doesn't last to long.

I wish I could breath, this sucks. I hate being sick. It sounds like he can breath a bit better. That's good! Any way I'm going to go and try and eat well he is down.

I need a vacation!

2011-04-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

So I am just really done and totally need a break. Between the baby and the Man I think i just am about ready to go nuts! I'm applying for a passport and I think I'm going to try and save some funds to go over seas for a few days. There are a few things I want to see. I'm working on getting mine first and then will get the little mans so that we can go somewhere together as well.

My back is still bad, its been really bad in the last few nights. So I did some research and this is really common for women who had an epidural during labour. You can have back pain and muscle spasms for month or years after it depends on the person. Awesome. So it looks like I have to live with this for a while. Its exhausting! Yet another reason I would like to have a vacation so I can rest like really rest.

Hmm what else? The Mans parents where here for a day and a half and spoiled the little man! They are so great to him. Sometimes tho I wish they wouldn't move my stuff. Like this is not your house please don't mess with my stuff. That really upsets me! But I'm back to normal life now which is nice. We got a red wagon for the little man we don't have the place to store it so they took it with them back home. Any way the boys are napping and I think I need to lay down. Will up date soon!

Night time tears

2011-04-14T21:11:00.000-07:00

So I had this bed time thing down to a great regular thing he would go in his crib and fuss just a little but then fall a sleep. So I think in my side switch that the Man must have been giving him the soother because tonight he is freaken out. As we speak he is so mad crying like crazy, he hasn`t done this in a month and all the sudden he is crying. I think the Man must have been giving him something because this is the worst it has been in a while. I do not want to let him think this is ok so I am trying very hard to let him cry. But I can hear him from here freaking out. This sucks! He is a super cry baby lately every time I leave the room right now he freaks. Sucks!
ok totally freak out got to go check on him.

Gosh that was bad he was so upset that his body was so hot it was wet. I have only ever had that twice before, first time he was in the car and so hungry he was freaking out and all I could do was drive to get home to feed him. Second was on the way home, he wasn`t that bad but it was close. That is the worse so I did the one thing you are no suppose to do, I picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I snuggled him and kissed him and told him it was ok. If it wasn`t as bad I wouldn`t have done that but this was totally bad he was having a melt down!

Any way today with the little girl was good, she didn`t really freak out at all. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a whole different story but we will see. Here is hoping it goes as well as it did today. There where a few things that totally concerned me and if that doesn`t improve over time it is to much of a risk factor for my son. Like she doesn`t really get that she could hurt him or that he is so small and just wants to see who she is. She almost hit him, that would have been bad cause I more then likely would have told her mom that it wasn`t going to work out. She also does get that he needs play space too and thinks things are funny and a joke. Like he was on his play mat and she just walked up almost over him and just wasn`t regarding him at all. That scared me. So we will see how tomorrow goes, I think with time it would get better but I`m not sure I want to put him in that situation. We will see.

What else? Well the in-laws will be here on Sunday. Woop! That means mommy gets a break! Thank the kind lord! I have been going a bit nutty lately and feeling like I need a vacation so this will be a good break. I need to go get my pastport photo at some point on Saturday. I want to go to the states with the Mans mom in June. I think my little man and I will go out there, cause his dad is planning on going across Canada. I totally encourage this but I think he could have better timing! Like oh I don't know before he had a kid? I really hate sometimes how his life hasn't really changed at all he still does whatever he wants, thinks for himself and seems to forget he has a family now but whatever I guess. I just want a hand well he is gone. Maybe my sister could come here HINT HINT.

I was looking for work for the Man in the east today. I was thinking about it and I'm not so sure any more why I'm so sent on going back west. Really my parents could give two shits about me or my life and I hardly see my sister and I never see my brother so why go west? Why not embark on a new journey in life? Why not? I couldn't really find anything but I think I'm going to talk to him about. I love the east, its so beautiful there and the Ocean and the people and I think it would be great. Plus I think his parents would like to go back and maybe retire there and I want them to be close to the little man, they are so good to him I want to make sure they are in his life as much as possible!

Any way I should get going its getting late. Not that I think I will be able to sleep but I might as well try. Night all.

Well it was a little better

2011-04-14T05:08:00.000-07:00

So last night I slept on my old bed which had been sitting out on our deck for the last 7 months. I didn't wake up at 2 am, or 3 or even 4 I slept through the night! I'm up way to early but I'm not really all that sleepy right now for some reason maybe its because its the first time in WEEKS that I have slept from 10pm until 6am. Freaken awesome. The bad news my back totally woke me up at 6 and I had to really pee lol but I think my back was part of it. The great news I feel refreshed! Amazing, although I am beginning to get a bit sleepy again just now. Maybe I'll have a nap on the sofa.

It snowed here. Like really snowed 15cm, its April 14, Snow? Blah! Today I have a little girl coming over to hang out with us her mom is having a hard time finding child care so I thought why not give it a try. And she will be here at 12 until 3:15 she is at the don't leave me stage which is never fun and I'm not totally happy about the amount of crying that might happen but we will get through it and I have a feeling Friday will be worse because she will be awake for a lot of it! lol but I have TV and all kinds of things we can do maybe if Nicholas goes to sleep we will make cookies. We will see. I am a little scared to see what life will be like with a toddler and a baby but bring it on!

Any way I'm going to try and sleep another hour I think.

Alomst 3 am

2011-04-12T01:50:00.000-07:00

You know I thought when I had a baby that the only reason I would wake up in the middle of the night was because someone was hungry well I have been mistaken. For the past oh lets see maybe 3 or 4 weeks I have gotten up consistantly at 2am, why because of my body in pain. Not because of my little man he sleeps oh 10 hours on average a night. So tonight I have had the most stupid time sleeping first the Man snored and snored and I tossed and turned, then my neck started hurting, then my back and my ribs so now I'm totally awake at 3am and can't freaken sleep. Wonderful. SUCKS why because I have a lovely sleeping little man well that means he is awake most of the day and even tho the Man has the day off tomorrow I still take care of the little man the most. So I have to do it on little sleep and the sleep that I did get Sucked balls!

On a high note we went swimming again which he loved again, then when the Man got off work we went to the park for another swing, oh he had his first swing (loved it, laughed like crazy the whole time). The dog got to come with us and go for a run, I'm sure she was pretty happy. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend in the park to go for a walk, not a long one cause I'm pretty bent out of shape but a walk, then to mommy and me and then I am going to work on my demo of the bathroom tiles and then chiro woop fun times had by all.

Thats right I decided that I hated our bathroom counter top and tiles so I talked to the Man asked him a number of times if he was ok with me taking it out and replacing it. Totally an easy job, unless you have a little person that requires all your attention then much harder! So I've almost got all the tiles out, but my biggest problem, ok there are two, my two biggest problems. One the jackass who owned this place was NOT handy and all and he instulled the present fixtures so they where put on piss poor which is distoring the drywall so not only do I have to demo now but I have to retouch the drywall and hope that it takes, run times. Problem two we don't have a new countertop yet, I think we should just pick on up at home depot or whatever and the Man thinks we should order one custom. There is a 100 - 150 dollar diferance in ordering one custom and it will take 3 weeks to get here. I would like to finish this job before his parents get here (This sunday). Which will not happen if we do that. But is totally possible if I take tomorrow to finish the demo, fix the drywall and then on Wend instull the new top and put nice pretty new tile back on the wall. Totally doable. But in the land that my lovely Man lives in things take for fucking ever! So I think I'm going to make him come pick out on at home depot so I can finsh the job and have a totally functional bathroom agian.

Any way I think I might be getting sleepy so I'm going to try to sleep on the sofa. Wish me luck, god I hate how shitty my body feels!

Its Alive!!!!!!

2011-04-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

So I posted a while back about my poor Bula kicking the bucket well it turns out that my lovely Man just hit something he shouldn't have. I decided to download a owners manual just because I was wondering what the problem might be because she was running fine the other week.

So quick back story... the car died just after they were working on replacing the lights in the back of the car.

So I'm reading the manual and for some reason am about to give up when I come across this thing about a switch for the fuel pump, which is located in the trunk right by the lights that they fixed... hmmm gets me thinking what if they hit this and it turned the pump off. So this morning I go to look at it, push the button and try to start the car, and guess what? It starts!!! HAHAHAHAH

I come in and say "I fixed the car, you turned the fuel pump off" and he was all like yeah right so I showed him the thing I read and then then said go start it. But he said he believed me. I knew Bula was to strong to give up just like that. Wooop to a working car! We are still going to try and find a new car for the family but it isn't such a rush!

First food

2011-04-04T16:41:00.000-07:00

So my little man totally slowed down on his eating for the last three weeks he was eating about 5 bottles a day which I thought was great but over the past four days he has been eating more and more again and yesterday 8 bottles. Which in my thought was way to much for a 4 and a half month old! So The Nurse at the health center said as long as he was happy with the 5 bottles and still sleeping his normal amount at night (which by the way is 10 hours a night with out waking up) that he is fine. So When he sky rocked in his bottles it made me think, plus he has been super interested in food with us he always watches us eat and opens his month and stuff so I thought ok he is trying to tell me something. I`m ready!

So I made 5 table spoons of rice cereal and I think he ate almost 3/4 of the amount and 50ml of milk, which I think is pretty good. If for some reason he is hungry again in like an hour I might wonder what the hell is wrong with him but if he goes for a bit that will be the answer he was totally ready for food. So I have no idea what I am doing really when it comes to food but we will do the cereal for three days and see how his little body handles it and then I was thinking of letting him try some home made baby food. Chicken, and then some veggies :) I'm excited for him! I think he will really like this! He did so great with eating at first he was like what the heck are you putting in my month... but then as soon as he got it, it was like he had always been eating. Just like the rolling thing once he got it twice now he does it all the time and loves that he can move.

My baby is growing up :) By the way have I told you lately how much I love him! You never really get it until you have one but it is a whole other world with him and he is the love of my life, he is just so sweet and cute and thinks I`m the funnest person ever (which is great) and I just love him so much. I am so excited to watch him learn and grow and become the amazing little person I know he will be. So great. I think I would have a whole team of children if I could just because I think this is one of the most rewarding parts of my life! Thank you to the Man for helping me make such a wonderful little man best thing ever!

OOOOO I have a rolling baby

2011-04-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

So he did it backwards but that doesn't matter he did it! He rolled from front to back!!! today three time. Woop my little learner. I'm such a proud mother!

April 2nd and SNOW

2011-04-02T12:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so I'm not sure who ordered the weather but man this has been the longest winter ever! The little man is sleeping and I could use a nap as well because I am not sleeping well these days. My body is just in so much pain most of the time that I just toss and turn all the time and can't seem to sleep through the night.

The Man's mom will be here tomorrow she was meant to go on a flight today but it was cancelled and will be in tomorrow for a night, have some time with the grandbaby and the off the following day. But then in 2 weeks they will be back to spend some more time with the little man.

We are starting some more classes this coming week on Tuesday I hope this time we get to finish them and I can meet some new people with little lovely ones also. But who knows if I will have a car in time. The man wants to hold off for a little while on buying something... but we are going to look at a suv I saw the other day and totally fell in love with! I have to call them and see if we can go look at it again today although with all the snow I don't really want to drive all the way out there.

Any way the little man is just waking up so I should get going.

Bula bites the dust

2011-03-31T12:27:00.000-07:00

So the other day my beloved Bula would not start once twice six times later still not turning over. So we are on the market for a new vehicle today I might for look at an older Jimmy that is a lovely colour. We will see hopefully we can find something nice looking that will last a little while. We looked at a jeep the other day and it was just not what we needed a little to old and a little to beat up. What else... my little man is 21 lbs even and almost 28 inc. He is teething like crazy, has an infected toe (just found today) and is sleeping right now. I gave him some pain stuff cause his little foot is really hurting him he cried and cried and screamed and cried and after the pain stuff kicked in he was his wonderful happy little self and then got sleepy. His Grandparents should be visiting again here in 2 weeks or so. His grandpa was just here for a day and played with him a lot. Super great!

What else? The Man and I have been having some hard times but I think we are learning to work together better and better its just a lot of transitions in such a short time. Can be a bit much to handle some times. He is going to apply for a job closer to my home town which would be so nice to be close to my sister!!! But it would be so far for his grandparents, sucky. But it would be a good job for the Man to get some great expereince and a pretty nice wage to!

We were going to go swimming again today but I think with his toe the way it is it might be best to wait on that maybe Saturday we will go early. Any wau I should get some house work done well the little man sleeps.

Swiming

2011-03-23T12:41:00.001-07:00

So my little man went in the pool for the first time today and he loved it he was kicking his legs and he learnt to float and was rolling all over the place front to back, back to front it was great. He was talking up a storm and laughing and I think he loved it. What fun! But as we speak from a busy day he is totally crashed out deep! He is so sleepy, he woke up early ate and then we were off to the pool then came home ate and off shopping and just came home again and he is done! Me to I had a bad sleep and could us a nap. We will see. The Mans Dad will arrive on Thursday to hang out with Nicholas for a few days then he is off to the East to help his mom out after the death of his step dad. Then the Mans mom comes here on the 4th to meet up with his dad and hand out with the baby for a little bit. They love him so much! I kinda would like to move closer to them so they can spend more time with him they are so great to him!

My mother called the other day and said they might come in April to see us. We will see... it would be nice to have them spend some time with the little man. Any who I should run and have a little nap before he wakes up.

My brave little man

2011-03-21T21:07:00.000-07:00

So today my little man got his shots and it went ok he cried a bit and then things got better and he was ok, or so we thought. We went over to our friends house tonight to visit and someone picked him up and he FREAKED out! Like freaked out screaming crying inconsolable, it was so bad he was so red and just man at the world. I gave him a little baby pain meds and about 20 mins later he was ok but still really not so happy. He is a bit better now but still super touchy and really just wants what he wants. I want to keep on the right path for bed time which is letting him fall asleep by himself but I have a feeling that will not go well tonight.

So he is 20lbs 10oz and 27 inch tall. They say he is a bit heavy for his height but not to much to make them concerned because he has been really consistent in his weight gain. So thats good. We are almost totally ready for our first swim but the swim shorts I got him were to small then I got another pair that I thought only looked a little bit bigger, well I was wrong and they are BIG so I have to take them back again and try one more time. Blah

Any way it is story time and then off to dream world for my little man so I should get going.

Four Months old

2011-03-20T21:59:00.000-07:00

Well my little man is four months old and growing up faster and faster. I have been holding off on getting him in his own room for a long time. His room was all ready for a while but I have not been and honestly I don't think I'm ready yet but I want to try so he is in his bed for the first time. I think he is sleeping but I'm not 100% sure. I keep hearing little sounds, but I'm trying to stop the want to go see if he is ok cause thats just going to give him bad behaviour. Oh yes he is awake I hear a cry ... giving him 10 mins and if he is still having a hard time I'll go get him.

So tomorrow is shots day, woop, and his daddy is going to be with us this time. I keep telling him that he better be ready for a crying baby but he thinks it will be fine. haha wait I hope it is fine but last time it sure was not! He cried so hard it was totally sucky. I also plan to take him for his first swim this week as long as the nurse says its ok. He has swim undies, swim shorts and a floating thing so he can swim with mom. We will more the likely only go for a fast little swim maybe 20 mins if he can handle that but I think we will have fun :) I will post about that once we have gone. Oh and he totally stopped crying but I think he is having to much fun in his bed because he has a mobile to look at and I can hear him "talking" to it.

What else... hmm not to much really The Mans parents will be here this Thursday or Friday not on to happy of terms the Mans step grandfather passed away this morning and his mom is driving his dad in to fly back to help family out. I'm not sure if he was close to him at all he hasn't really talked about it. Maybe I will ask how he is taking it tonight.

Any who I'm a bit sleepy so I think I'm going to go check on the little man and call it a night.

Teething

2011-03-15T18:57:00.001-07:00

LORD so my little man is teething and has been so loud all day crying and talking and screaming and man I'm exhausted from it! The Man took him up to our room to give me a break cause he is just to much today! So I started my therapy yesterday for deer hitting my car and felt pretty good after but today I hurt so much, I go back tomorrow for two treatments! I think I will hurt a bit more after that but I know I'm on the road to feeling better soon!

We got our little man a new car seat the other day which now I have to figure out how to use it. We also got him a wonderful play mat with all kinds of toys on it and a mirror for an excellent price! Now I'm on the market for a high chair because I think we might be able to start on soft foods soon. woop! I'm also trying to find a swim aid for our little man cause I would like to take him on his first swim :)

Any way I should go cause I need a shower well daddy has our little teething monster :P

What an excellent little man I have

2011-02-28T10:18:00.001-08:00

He has fallen asleep with out any help now seven times!!! He is so good it is not even funny, I am the luckiest mommy ever. I am blessed with the best little man ever and I am more in love with him ever day. Last night we read our story and after a little bit of playing and talking he fell right to sleep as soon as I put him in his bed. So the sad part is that he is still in our room but I'm the one who is not ready for him to go. Plus he has a fussy moment every night where he needs some help staying asleep. So until thats totally fixed I think that its best to have him so close. Plus I'm going to miss him once he is moved.

I'm hoping to go home to see my family soon so they can meet the best little man ever. Well next to the best two little men who are I'm sure excited to meet there cousin. Any way well he is sleeping I have a few more things I would like to do. I just really wanted to tell everyone about my amazing little miracle :)

my little man

2011-02-24T14:24:00.001-08:00

So my little man is getting so big he is 19lbs 7oz but I think he is slowing down because that is a half pound gain in two weeks before he would have gained way more but I think he is totally slowing down now. He is so awesome it is not even funny! I love him so much and I think next week we are going to do a big trip home I think maybe wend or thursday we will leave for the weekend.

what else well my car got hit by a deer and totally fucked it up but it is almost totally fixed the windsheld is totally fixed now I just need to get a new side mirror and we will be good to go :) It is not pretty but it works and will get us around safely until we can afford a new car. Thanks to my understanding Man it has been a hard two week but it will be ok some times I get a little worked up and things have been super hard on us but we can get through this I'm sure.

Any way I'm going to get going and play with the little man who is just getting up :)

CRAP

2011-02-15T08:49:00.001-08:00

yesterday I got an unexpected bill from our wonderful tax man. I guess I missed a T4 but I don't recall working for place that sent it to them. I have no idea how I'm going to afford it with all the other things I have to pay for its just to much. I was so excited to be able to put a large amount on my student loan next month and now that is just not going to happen. What a bitch! Life totally sucks some times. I also really want to go home and see my family and now I'm not going to be able to afford to for a long time. SUCKS

I think I'm also getting a cold which sucks cause my last mommy and me class is today and I totally don't want to go. So I think I might go for just a litttle bit to give my email out to some of the people and then come home. Any way I have to go the little man needs me

Tried!

2011-02-13T07:52:00.000-08:00

Today the Mans parents are coming to visit the little man. Whenever they come we get ride of more stuff which totally makes me happy. This time I am planning on getting ride of all of my VHS tapes. I spent years building on this collection but I never watch them any more since I have movie central and they are heavy and take up so much space so I have decided it is time for them to go plus I'm going to donate them so that makes it even better. I'm also getting ride of a coffee table that my brother gave me years ago... why because it takes up lots of space and I need room for the little man to move around in here, we are also getting ride of the sofa bed woop! There will be so much space in here. The Man is planning on going snow boarding tomorrow so I'm going to hang two shelves with his dad (he doesn't know this lol) cause I have a bunch of little collectible stuff that needs to go up higher so baby dosen't get it in his mouth. We are also going to install a new light fixture, which I bought like MONTHS ago and have been wanting it put up forever. This trip they will do it.

Then I just have to move around the living room and we will be good to go for crawling and walking :) Plus it will be more stream lined in here. I just havn't figured out a few small details yet about the move around. Like I kinda hate where the tv is going to go but there are only two options one makes the room balanced and is in its current location, not so good for crawling because I cut off half the room with a sofa. The other makes it unbalanced but extends the carpet space for little man to move around on.

Oh well I will see what I can do. The little man finally fell back asleep so I think I will head off to try and tidy up a big more before the mans rents get here.

ugh!

2011-02-10T19:28:00.001-08:00

So the last little while has been a challenge on me and my family we have been through some big changes and I think it might be getting the better of us. I just want to feel like this is going to be ok and I'm not sure when that will happen. I'm mentally and physically just done. I can manage to take care of the little man but I just feel like I don't have anything left and everything is just putting me to a breaking point. I wish things were better. I wish I felt better. I wish things were easier. As you of you couldn't tell but I'm feeling a little bit down tonight. I know things are always hard with everything but I recall a time when things where so much easier.

What else? My little man is amazing and I love him so much he makes me smile all the time. He is so tried today I think he might be growing. Oh and he is 18lbs 10oz and yes I think he is growing more. He isn't even 3 months yet and he is so big. He is the biggest one in the class.

I can't wait to move the house around wear the sofa is it is super cold and I think it will be better once I move it around. Any way I really just needed to vent and get that out of my system. THe little man is having a sleep and I think I might make a tea. Thats all for tonight.

Sleepy

2011-02-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

This morning I was suppose to take my little man to the doctor cause he has some funky smell coming from his ear. So they call this morning and say the appointment will not work and want to book it for later with this A-whole at the clinic I decline and ask for someone else...not until Monday!!!! Monday are you kidding me? Freaken hell! So I am on hold with another clinic right now hoping for an appointment today but not sure if it will happen. He is also coughing a lot which makes me wonder.

Oh I also missed my work out because of the time the appointment was booked for, what a piss off! Hmm what else. I finally got the extra side table out of the little mans room! WOOh now I just need the Mans parents to come and take all the extra clothing away and we will be set! They come this Sunday, so soon. I've been working on cleaning up a bit for them. I'm hoping to get a sofa out of the house when they come. It is big and takes up so much space. Then I want to move the living room around so that it is baby ready for movement right now the little man has a whole 6 foot by 6 foot space for that and I think it needs to increase plus his swing sits in the middle of the living room right now and I hate that!

We are having a play date tomorrow with an old coworker, fun. She has an 18 month old girl. It will be nice to see a little one who is a bit older to kinda know what I need to put away in here before we have a accident. Any way I should get going and wake my little man up soon cause he has another appointment later.

Sad

2011-02-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

So today I think I made the realization that my little fur baby needs to go. I love her so much she is my first baby but she is getting no attention and I have a really hard time taking car of her with the baby. I know that things will get better in time and allow me more time for her but that is a long ways away. So I have to give her up.

Maybe my sisters friend here wants a sweet little dog :) Then at lest I would know who she is going to and that it is a good person. Okay but really miss roxy has a few issues she gets sick often. Its not because there is anything wrong with her I have gone to the vet and they say nothing is wrong and she is totally healthy just maybe that its and allergy. But she has been on 12 different kinds of food and each one she still gets sick. She needs someone who has the time to really get to the bottom of the problem. Also this is no quality of life some times she wants to play but I can't play with her because of my little man and him needing attention.

It totally pains me to do this but she needs a new home. So sad. I'm not just going to give her to anyone I'm really going to look for the right fit. Plus I have yet to tell the man that I have made this conclusion. Any way I'm going to go and try and clean up a bit well my little man is sleeping. Oh by the way the little man is doing great! I think he might have a bit of a cold because he is coughing a lot and sleeping alot but I'm keeping my eye on him and making sure he is ok. He is almost 18 pounds and not even 3 months yet. Big little man. Any way really this time I need to get going.

ouch ouch OUCH

2011-02-04T09:25:00.001-08:00

So my arms feel like jello talk about not getting back into slow or what these ladies kick your ass like there is no tomorrow! I decided that I need to work out because of a few reasons they are as follows:

1) it is getting hard to lift my son his chair it is so heavy and I have zone upper body strength!
2) I hate going to the mall and not finding anything I like in my size
3) I hate the way I look in the clothing I do have
4) Most importantly I want to be able to play with my son, I want to be able to run, jump, skip and play with my son.

So the goal is not weight loss but it is an added benefit of working out, the goal is endurance and cardio strength so I can do all the things I want to do with my little guy. I'm also looking at joining a mommy and baby work out class but I think that will be in March. I need to get me on track and make it part of my world before I involve my little guy.

Today we are going to go shopping with a friend this afternoon also :) What fun! I'm totally not sure what we need or even what I can get but I think fruit is on the menu and maybe some meat. Course baby stuff is always a good call too :) God my arms hurt did I mention that. Man like they burn. LORD

Any way I think my men will be coming down soon one is in the shower and the other is still sleeping. Time to get ready for them.

Toy Box and Sushi

2011-01-31T18:05:00.000-08:00

The toy box has been finished!!! It looks great and I am totally happy with it. I also made sushi for the first time ever and I must day it turned out amazing!

The finished product complete with soft top for a cousion seat. :)

Box open

Sushi :) YUM!
And that is really all I have to say for the night I just wanted to update and show off my stuff.

Just tired

2011-01-28T22:31:00.000-08:00

Well it is late and for some reason I don't really feel like sleeping but I am tired. My little man is down for the night, well at lest 6 hours and the Man wont be home for another hour. I was going to make a pillow for the little man's new toy box but I'm not sure if I want to make it the way I was going to I think it might not work well so now I need to think about it a little bit. You see I am making something like a body pillow to go on the wall because I couldn't make a bench. So the pillow will act as a pho bench piece. I thought it was rather smart but now I am stuck on one part.

I was thinking of using a thick foam piece and then some soft pillow stuffing but I think if I put the soft stuffing in front of the thick foam that eventually the soft foam will all go to one side for the pillow and it will look silly... need to think a bit more about this one and if I just want to make a cylinder pillow that is all soft, I think that might work better. The toy box is almost totally done I just need to buy the hings and then put the top on and it will be finished. How exciting!!! Then I can get the ugly white bin out of my living room and have a love little toy box. :) Not that he is interested in toys at all but at lest I wont have to look at the ugly bin any more :)

I will post a picture of the finished product once its done. What else, well it was lovely and warm for the past few days and we got out and went for walks and enjoyed the sun and it was great but winter has decided to give us what for again and it is presently snowing and -5 going to be -18 by morning, boo! Then for the next few days cold cold cold again, it sucks cause then we get stuck inside. Oh and we have a snow fall warning now, fun times! Oh well at lest its not New York or Boston I feel so bad for them 19 inches in NY and 30 inches in B town... Freaken 30 inches thats nuts, that is way to much snow in 24 hours! poor people.

Any way I should get going.... good night

Update time

2011-01-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

Well the man didn't end up going back out of town he told the people that it was to much with a new baby. I wish he would have just taken then job and trusted that it would all work out because I think he really wanted the opportunity but he didn't and he asked them if he could start in a month or so once the little man is more into a schedule and it is easier to get him sleeping and stuff at night. But I think its going to take a bit more then a month. Its been two months to get him to sleep at 11pm for 6 hours. So now what? Well I think he is mad at me because I'm the one who couldn't handle taking care of the little man. It seems like all we do is get mad at each other these days, its so hard with all the changes I think its just so much.

Now he is starting to look again, there is one place he would like to work a bit closer to my family which I would like but who knows whats going to happen. All I know is we need to get better at treating eachother nicer. Because other wise I'm not sure whats going to happen I think if we keep on this path within a year I'm going to be a single parent because I will not want to be so unhappy any more. I don't want that but its really hard. He says he is just chronically tried and thats not helping his mood but he sleeps as much as I do. Maybe he is depressed and just don't know it. But I don't know what to do any more there is so much to do and I need his help and support. Just as much as he needs sleep. He also needs to spend more time with his son. I told him that and he said "I just spent a half hour with him". Umm ok wooo a half hour yeppie sickpy! I spend every waking moment with him, he knows me he loves me, he knows I will make him happy and take care of him when he is sad. The worse part is he will start crying and I will take him from dad and he will stop. That shouldn't happen daddy should be able to calm him down.

Any way I really did just need to bitch, he is a good dad he just needs to spend some more time with his son and try to not be so cranky with me. He just drives me so crazy and its not making me feel very nice lately. Any way I should work on getting some things done well the little man is sleeping. I have a toy box to finish for him.

Here we go again

2011-01-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

So the Man came home on Thursday and it didn`t go so great I still didn`t get a lot of sleep but then over the past two days I have gotten to sleep a good amount. But he leaves again tomorrow this time only for three days then is back again and works and we will see if he is going to keep doing this. I am firmly not in favour of this continuing but we will see what happens. I think he knows that its not a good idea but wants to see how it goes. They way I have heard him talking to his parents it sounds like he doesn`t think its the right time to take a role like the one that he has been testing out.

Any way the little man slept for 6 hours straight last night! Then 5 and another 5 before he was up and moving around. Now we just need to work on getting him to sleep for 8 hours and then another 5 and maybe some day soon 12 hours straight.

Any way wish me luck over the next few days and I should get going.

So exhusted

2011-01-20T20:28:00.000-08:00

I'm totally exhausted today and just want to go to bed but I have a feeling my little man is going to wake up in an hour so I don't think I should go to bed because I will be super cranky getting woken up that quickly. This has been a long few days but the Man comes home tonight!!! WOOP so happy I'm not sure how tonight will go if I will get the bullshit I worked and drove comment but he can tend to the little one tonight cause I need a break!

Speaking of the little one I can now let him sleep through the night so if he is not up soon I might relocate us in the bed room cause I'm super sleepy. I think he might be waking now but we will see hes been sleeping for a few hours already. I guess they just worry about them until they reach 15 pounds and well he is now 16 so wooh to that. My little man is getting so big so fast.

Any who I'm out for now.

I hate this part!

2011-01-18T21:03:00.000-08:00

Well I`ve been alone with the little man now for three days and have two more to go and I am exhausted! I haven`t had a break and I feel like I might pull my hair out. The Man is away right now trying something out and I`m alone doing everything and its fucking hard and I hate it. He and I have to have a very real conversation about this because I can`t do this again its way to much and with no break not even a little one its way overwhelming.

Today he has been especially fussy and I feel like I want to go for a long walk off a short cliff. I need help I need the Man, I have no idea how mothers do this on there own. The shitty part, oh yes it does get worse, is he comes back only to work for three days and then I think he is leaving again. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ....FUCK So not only am I doing this now but even when he is back still no real break. I want to go way for 5 days well he does everything and see how happy he is. This is bull shit and not something I signed up for!

Okay so he is having a hard time sleeping right now so I need to get going. One exciting thing tho is I`m writting this well laying on my tummy! I haven`t done this since before I was with child and I totally missed it. Any way I need to go.

I`m so burnt out :(

Boo!!

2011-01-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

So it looks like next week I'm going to be acting like a single parent! Not happy at all. The Man is testing out a job in another city and will be gone Monday to Thursday, gross! Not only that but he is working today and until Sunday, so we will only have the time when he is here to get stuff done because my little man likes to take up a lot of my time! Not fun! I need someone to come and help us out for a few days, any takers?

I have three baskets of laundry to put away and about four more baskets to do. Bottles to make, dishes to do, house to clean and the only thing that does get done is baby taken care of. Although I guess right now I could be cleaning or something but I really wanted to up date. I'm so not happy about the Man leaving it really is going to make life hard for some time. Plus I have appointments to go to and things to do and now I have to take the little man with me which means everything will take more time to get done. lord boo!

Any way I just needed to vent now its off to get some things done.

Update Update :)

2011-01-07T14:38:00.000-08:00

So we went to weight the little man the other day and he is 14 and 1/2 pounds! Crazy, I saw a 4 month old that was half his size today! Lord I'm going to have one big little guy. Today I got an email from some who I thought was my best friend. Last year she told me I was the most negative person she knew and that we no longer could be friends because I was a bad influence one her and her family. I laughed a lot because I do for sure have negative moments but I am pretty full of joy for the most part. Lately I'm super cranky because of the lack of sleep and a bit more negative then usual but as a general whole I'm super happy :)

Any way I was a little shocked by it and said my peace to her but I really wanted to tare her a new one and just tell her off because I was truly hurt by what happened. I am interested to see if she writes back knowing her she will and it may be rude but I'm ready for that.

The little man is super sleepy hungry and sleepy, I think he is having a growth thing happening because he is eating a lot and sleeping a lot. He doesn't like being on his back right now for some reason so I have him on his side. He is doing well and is super happy for the most part but has gassy moments and some really bad days. But I still think he is perfect and love him more and more every day!

Any way I should get going I have some things I need to try and do before he wakes up

The end of the year

2010-12-31T21:50:00.000-08:00

Well 2010's end is upon us and last year at this time I would have never thought that I would be here with all these changes. I now live with a wonderful man and have been blessed with a little man and we are looking at moving to a smaller community. I would have never thought that this is what life would be like last year.

So I am thankful for the changes and the amazing blessings I have gotten this past year. It has been a good year. This up coming year is going to be beautiful! I look forward to all the new things and getting to spend a year with my lovely little man and growing with my new family. I look forward to the future and what is to come. Welcome 2011~!! well in an hour.... :)

What else the most interesting thing and wonderful thing. So the Man loves coffee and recently enjoyed drinking McDonald's coffee. So as a general whole I think McDonald's is bad and no good for people or society as a whole but they sure to make the BEST cups ever! I took a hard corner and his coffee went flying out of the cup holder on to the floor of the car and all I can say is CRAP! I'm thinking shit coffee every where so I pull over and put my hazard lights on an try to clean the mess. Only to find all the Coffey still in the cup and the lid fully on not letting anything out. I then said out loud WHOOO thank you McDonald's for creating the freaken best cups and lids ever. Awesome!

Any way i just wanted to up date a little my little man is sleeping but might wake up soon so time to get ready for him :)

Happy New Year to one and all and may you be as blessed as I am.

I need a vacation!

2010-12-30T09:02:00.000-08:00

I need a vacation I think I might go on strike and take off cause I feel like I have an extra shot of crazy lately. Also I think my hormones are still a little bit out of wack cause I feel totally off! Not so much fun :(

My little man is growing every day now he has officially grown out of number 1 dippers and almost all of his 3 month clothing! FYI he is only a month and a half old!!!! So he is wearing 6 month old clothing. Some are way to big others fit perfect so who knows.

I was totally concerned about his hearing but trust me he can hear!!!! WOOP I was an evil mommy and tested when he slept he is just picky about what he responds to. Any way daddy is almost done feeding baby so that means I'm up and its bath time.

Woop

Birthday!!!!

2010-12-29T05:31:00.000-08:00

To the most wonderful, outstanding, lovely and amazing sister every.... April :)

Happy Birthday!!!!

I love you so much and you are fanstastic!!!

Twas the night before Christmas

2010-12-24T13:29:00.000-08:00

All through the house... This is my little mans first Christmas and I don't think he is to excited as he doesn't really know what is going on. So here is the question ... do I tell my son about Santa and let him believe to only find out he is not real OR do I tell him about the real Santa and the spirit of him and the truth?? I'm thinking the truth. But I'm not sure many people will like that. Like the Mans mom was all what is Santa going to bring you? Well Santa did get him a few things but still its the spirit of Santa but mom bought it and I think its better to be honest with him. hmmm not sure.

What else? I'm looking at flights to maybe go home cause my trip didn't work out. I miss my family! blah any way I'm going to get going the little man might wake up soon to eat. Merry Christmas eve :)

Growing more!

2010-12-21T16:23:00.001-08:00

Today we went to weight our little man and he is weighing in at 13 pounds even! And height is 24 inch :) woop The only crappy thing is that he is getting hard to carry in that stupid seat! Like super hard! We have been walking almost every night of the week for at lest an hour, in the mall... stupid mall but I like getting out and I need the exercise. I'm going to start going to the gym soon once I can figure out a good time to go. Maybe 11 -12 or something like that. Who knows

What else? I'm still pissed about not making it home it sucks balls! I starting to think more and more that someone in my family is totally crazy and just about the biggest liar I have ever met. So frustrating!

Any who I'm going to get going my little man is being fussy and wants some attention.

Boo!

2010-12-20T07:33:00.000-08:00

I hate winter! Because of stupid winter I didn't get to go home we got about an hour out and the weather turned to shit. I cried for almost half way back because I was so upset that we where turning around to come home. I really wanted to go to see my family...well mainly my sister. But still it sucked ass The Man had to drive because I was such a mess. SUCKED and SUCKS still!

So I sent all the presents home yesterday and they should be there by Thursday at the latest but more then likely sooner. So what am I doing? Nothing really being sad a little because I really wanted to be home. Taking care of my little man and my main man. Thinking about cooking a turkey for Christmas but its hard to do this with the baby because he likes attention during the day and if he doesn't have enough he cries! lol

I'm thinking of making a trip to the mall to day and do some shopping for me but we will see at present I'm feeling a little bit lazy and just want to stay in my pj's but I might get motivated to get out.

Oh and my little man has the such dry skin it is so bad he flakes all over the place when I take his clothing off and his head is covered in dry skin and I'm worried that will turn into cradle cap. No body wants that! So what do I do, how can I put lotion on his head and in his hair, gross! I know they say it will go away but its not the same its just dry skin. Any ideas would be great.

Any way its early and everyone is still sleeping so I think I might make some breakfast and wake them up :)

I`m coming home

2010-12-16T11:43:00.000-08:00

Or hopefully if the roads are ok we are going to be going. I really want to introduce my little one to everyone well he is little. The plan is to leave Saturday night at around 7pm travel part way (less people on the road!). Stay the night in a hotel and then travel the rest of the way. Hopefully we will be able to go through the short way because it saves us about 4 hours but what ever is the safest we will go. Then we have to hope all goes well and we can get home so the Man can get to work.

My little man is super cranky lately I think he has bad gas some times but at lest he is sleeping through most of the night. I think our trip might mess things up for him for a little bit but hopefully he doesn`t notice :)

I am a little afraid of how far we have to go but I`m sure it will be fine. Its such a long drive and there really is nothing through some of it. 3 hours of nothing which is a little scary in the winter with a baby and a little dog and of course me who has issues with the cold. So lets hope it all goes well and that we can get there and back. Any way thats all for now tomorrow a shopping trip and packing are in order then Saturday a party :) woop

Can't wait for warmer weather!

2010-12-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

So there are a few things I hate about the winter. The number one item is that I can't spend any time out side in the winter because I have a problem with the cold. I can't walk outside and I really need to walk a bit more to get my legs back in shape and help trim my tummy back down (even though I am already in all my per prego clothing).

What is the alternative to walking outside? Going to a mall and walking there. That sucks ass might I add because there are a million jerks in the mall that could care less if I have a baby with me or that are rude and I just hate the mall its to much! To many people, to much noise, to many lights, and blah its just bad there but its the only place I can go for a good walk.

So last night I went to one of the big new malls and the other thing I now hate is creepy people! This lady "bumped" into me three times to say how cute my baby was and tried to touch him. Err keep your hands away from my baby. And another person worked at on of the vendors in the middle of the mall grabbed the stroller and pulled it towards his booth and I tore him a new ass whole. I yelled at him and told him he needed some common manners and that in Canada you don't just grab peoples strollers to pull them over to try and sell them shit and if he touched it again I would consider it self defence to punch him out. He looked scared after that and he should have been. Never doubt a mother! I would have fucked him up!

Any way that is all for now my little man is upset so time to go.

Mt little butter ball

2010-12-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

He is a big as a turkey at thanksgiving or chirstmas! 11lbs 9oz and growing! We went to see everyone at work today and he made all the ladies fall in love with him. Even the not so nice accounting guy thought he was cute and had a big grin on his face when I showed him off.

I gave him a pho-hawk today it was totally cute but his hat messed it up :P Better that he is warm then looking all fly! Its been really nice here lately and it looks like we only have one day of cold weather this week which is nice.

Any way the Man needs some help so I should get going. I just wanted to update and let the world know that I have a butter ball and I love him more then anything in this world!

Weight gain

2010-12-03T16:24:00.000-08:00

So today I took my little man to weight him today just to see how he was doing and he gained almost a pound he is now 11lbs 1.9 oz getting bigger and bigger already I know time is going to fly and he will grow so fast. He is already lifting his head really well. He isn't catching finger movement with his eyes yet but he is looking around more and more. He doesn't like the sun shining in the car when he is trying to sleep and he likes being held when he has gas.

He is just so amazing and I am so in love with him it is not even funny he is just so perfect. What else? I have to finish up Christmas stuff soon and I am going to take my little man into work to meet all the ladies. :) He is going to be a lady killer I can feel it plus with his parents amazing good looks its hard not to attract all that attention ... hehe

Any who I just wanted to up date about him gaining weight, we have an appointment next week to see how he is doing I will up date again soon.

2 weeks tomorrow

2010-12-02T20:52:00.000-08:00

Well my little boy is 2 weeks old tomorrow and I am feeling better and better as the days go by which is fantastic and I can't wait to feel totally better. He is sleeping more and more over the night which is good and I look forward to him being more awake so we can do stuff together like more tummy time or play or anything really other then watch him sleep :P

I'm super sleepy lately last night I slept through a feeding which is totally crazy. I feel like I have a million more times energy then when I was with child which is nice but at the same time when I'm sleepy I am exhausted and have a hard time functioning.

I think I'm going to try and decorate for Christmas this weekend at least get the tree up so it can be ready to be decorated and finish up the stockings that I made. Any who I need a nap so I`m going top head before my little man`s next feeding :)

Belly Button

2010-11-30T19:33:00.000-08:00

Today Mr. Nicholas lost his umbilical cord and he officially has a belly button! 12 days old and already things are changing so fast. He is keeping us awake at night and sleeping all day. I have so much to get done that I feel like I can`t sleep when he is but I really need to start sleeping when he is because I`m not doing so hot on the energy front.

Oh so something amazing!!! I have been wearing stretchy pants for the past 5 months because all my pants stopped fitting, it sucked balls. But today for kicks I wanted to try on my jeans just to see how far I needed to go in order to get back into them. Guess what??? They FIT!!!!! HAHAHAh I had a baby and lost a tone of weight and can wear my jeans again. I haven`t had jeans on for months and months and they went on no problem! How amazing and fantastic. They are a little tight but not to bad at all.

My body still hurts a lot at moments but its getting better. Next week I`m going to plan to drop into work to show off my little man :) I just have to call and let them know. It will be our first out and about of the house. We have been out just he has waited in the car with me or the man cause I`m really not wanting to get my little man exposed to too much. But I think we are ready to start slowly getting out of the house. I going to try and join and mom and baby walking group too. Fun times.

Any way I just wanted to up date and let you all know how wonderful he is and how totally in love I am with him. What a wonderful joy!!!

Guilt and other thing

2010-11-28T04:16:00.000-08:00

Lets talk breast feeding today, so everyone and there dog knows breast is best but it does not work for everyone. Well I am one of those people that it just didn't work for, I put in a weeks worth of work trying and hoping they would work but they just didn't. One side wasn't pulling anything out and the other got so engorged that I thought I was going to die when I was trying to pump. That said I went to the doctor got antibiotics and hoped that the infection would go away, which it pretty well has. But now I have the most crazy guilt because I can not feed my child. It sucks! What makes this worse is that everyone else and there dog likes to rub in the fact that I am not doing and the man is not super helpful ether he is one of them who likes to rub it in more then any one. He seems to think I only tried for two days not quite thank you.

I don't know about all you out there but after have a nurse man handle my breasts, squishing and pulling them and shoving them in my kids face then pumping for 20 mins per side for the 4 days in the hospital then trying to pump at home is not trying then I don't know what the fuck is. I'm super sensitive about this topic because it makes me feel like shit! Like does everyone think I went into this going hahaha fuckers I'm not going to breast feed I just want to flush money down the drain paying to formula and not providing the best for my child. Really? errr!

Any way I could go on about that forever so moving on to the other things. Not only do I have guilt I also have a gas baby because of this stupidity! Poor little ninja!!!! He has so much gas and I don't know how to help him, we are presently trying Gripe Water. It seems to be helping a lot which is nice because he was so unhappy and uncomfortable. He has decided that between 11pm and 2am that he would like to be awake and fussy! Awesome! All he wants to do is suck, cry, suck, cry, lay there, look around, cry and suck some more. Its super frustrating because I don't understand why this is happening. I just would like him to be awake in the day time. I'm also trying to get him to sleep longer at night. Which is why I'm up right now. He started getting fussy in his bed but I'm trying to keep him sleeping and relaxed so that he will sleep for 4 hours at night rather then 3 which is really to benefit me and my man. We have a half hour before he makes it and I think its looking good.

What else? I now understand what tried really is! I have a greater apperciation for women who can breast feed and I feel like this past week has been the longest one ever. Also I am still hurt and sore and doing way to much to early but feel like I have to because other wise it seems that people think I'm lazy. Sorry did you just have a truck drive through your lady parts? No I don't think so why am I laying down? Cause it hurts! lord.

Any way enough bitching from me for one post. I am on the the positive the most proud mother of the world cutest little man, he is so wonderful and I am so in love with him.

One week old

2010-11-26T16:49:00.000-08:00

Today my little ninja is one week old! I am feeling better but did a little bit to much this morning so need to rest a bit more. The baby has been having gas lately and its making him super fussy so I am trying to nip that in the bud here as to not have the poor little guy suffer.

What else? I'm tired and need more sleep but I don't think that will be happening any time soon, new baby and all. The man is going back to work tonight and that sucks balls I wish he could take a few more days until I'm feeling a bit closer to 100% better, cause going up and dow at night suck balls and I just would like for him to spend a bit more time with us.

I don't have to much else to say right now other then I am happy I am feeling better and I hope that next week I will feel up to going out with my new little man. Here's hoping. Oh well I need to have something to eat now but I will try to up date soon.

Baby makes three

2010-11-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

Well folks I am offically a mom... how crazy is that? We got home today just after 1:00pm and my little bundle is seatteling in well. I had a boy, a 10lb 3oz baby boy. Nicholas Joesph welcome to the world and into my heart. I love you like crazy already. Part of me was really hoping for a girl but I am so happy he is here and he is perfect! He sleeps a lot right now but I know those times will come to an end in the future.

So here is how it all went down. On my due date November 17 we went to the hospital to be induced at 9:30am well it turns out that on that day everyone else and there dog wanted to have babies too so I didn't get officially induced until 12pm or so and then got moved over to popartum to wait to go into labour well now we waited and waited and waited and waited some more then on November 18 something started to happen... contractions. So these are the most painful freakin things in the whole world it feels like a menstrual cramp times a billion! So I was having lots of these super close together about every 2 mins which in a normal world is a lot of time but in labour world seems like nothing. They monitored babies heart and something seemed a bit off so they wanted to get us over to labour as soon as they could. I think we moved over there at 12:00pm November 19 but I was in so much pain that I didn't really know what the hell was going on. So we get over there and I am put on the bed and told an epidural was going to happen, at that point in time I was like woop to that make this stop! So I got one, so this was not totally natural but really you have no idea my uterus wouldn't stop contracting which is why I was in so much pain nothing let up.

Let me say this also Epidurals are the best freaken thing in the world because with out I wouldn't have made it through this they had to us forceps to get him out because he was so bit and I have a grade 3 (out of 4) level tear in my girl place! So yes amen to epidurals!!! Any way our little man made it into the world at 3:30pm with a whole lot of help from a wonderful doctor! Thank you to Dr. Edwards! Nicholas cord was rapped around his neck so he was having some heart dips well inside still. They had to give me a lot of stuff to make sure he could make it out with out a C section. Which I am totally grateful for because I can only dream of the amount of pain I would be in now if they would have done one.

Speaking of pain I am in a whole bunch of it between my tare and my body just being over working it is like I got hit by a truck twice! Plus I think I'm still having contractions little ones any way it seems like. It sucks and I don't think I'll feel much better for another week or so. Sucks!!! Any way we are happy to be home! Breast feeding is a whole other story for another time. Right now thats all I have to write.

And lastly I'm over joyed to be home!!!

D day

2010-11-16T18:18:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the official due date and guess what, I'm still with child. However at 9:30am tomorrow I am going to the hospital to be induced. Thats right people my doctor is worried about what might happen and thinks its best to get me in and get things started. The doctor said that they might let me go home after the first set to the induction but she says she wouldn't let me go so be ready to stay. So thats what we are doing tonight... getting ready for hospital stay. Fun times.

I'm so nervous it is not even funny, I'm worried about how this will all go and how long it might take. But by the weekend we will have a new little person in this world and they will be happy and healthy, or lets hope for that! Also if all goes well I should be home by Thursday for sure, please hope for that!

My mom arrived safe and sound after a long time finally getting in at 1:30am and with how bad the roads are we didn't get back to the house until almost 3am! What a long night then only sleeping for 6 hours boo! I hope tonight I get better sleep then that because tonight might be the last of good longer then 5 hour sleeps that I might get for the next 3 months.

Any who thats all for now wish me luck on this and lets hope it all goes really well.

2 days

2010-11-15T06:58:00.000-08:00

I'm due in 2 days and no the baby has not come yet! My mom is coming late tonight and I totally hope that I go into labour today. Which could be very possible or not who knows. So if you don't want to ready to much information stop reading now...

This morning was a little different because I woke up with a little bit of pain and the oddest sensation ever I went to the washroom because I had to pee like a mo-fo and there it was..the plug! What did I say "Wow so thats what that looks like... yuck...crazy...yuck" In the other room I hear the man "Are you ok?" yes I'm ok (laughing). Go back to bed and he asks whats so funny and I say well the plug definitely came out! He asks "How do you know?" I say "Umm well I saw it... and it was gross but that means the baby is for sure ready and coming soon."

Any way that is it and I'm hoping that my little ninja makes it way into this world before my mom gets here but I don't think that is going to happen. However I think within the next few days it will be here! I hope! I'm excited to meet my little friend and just want it to happen! Oh well need to eat some breakfast keep my energy level up. Happy Monday!

Still with Child

2010-11-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

Well the baby is still in the house and I am really getting to the point where I wish they would come already so I can not be pregnant any more. Last night the Man took me to a craft fair that I got to every year. I thought I wouldn't be able to go this year but I got to! I was happy about that. This craft fair is an event its big, lots of tables, lots of people, singers, action and what not. I like to go to these things just to walk and look.

Well walking I started having contractions and thought to myself great story, so we are walking through the craft far and then my water brakes with people everywhere, the car was so far away and it all happened so fast. Lord thank goodness that didn't happen! Today there is another far that I like to go to just outside of the city. I'm not sure if I'm going to get the man out to this one because he is all about saying he is spending the day cleaning for my mom's arrival on Monday.

Speaking of my mother, lord she is funny I think she wants me to tell her to not come. Last night she called asking if I still need her or want her to come. What should I do not please don't bother its fine don't care about whats going on. I said to her that I was surprised she booked a whole week here because I think she will be here for two days and want to go home but other wise yes come. Then she says well what if its to soon and you don't have the baby. I say trust me I will have this thing before then! Or my doctor will take it out because I am so sore and done that I can't wait much longer. Any who I think its silly that she is trying to get out of coming. The mans parents are so excited to come and meet the little one and spend time with us its the total opposite!

Oh well I'm going to get ready for the day, a walk is in the future in hopes to move things along and I have to work on getting the man to go to the craft far today :)

5 days

2010-11-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

So today I had another doctors appointment and I am feeling really done with all this and really would like the baby out, so I tell my doctor about all the crazy things happening and how much pain I'm in and she say ok lets check you out. We listen to the little ninja heart just a going like usual then she says we need to check your cervix...

Umm ok really? Do you have to I've heard bad things about this I'm not so sure I want you putting anything up there. So I get ready and sure enough this hurts just like everyone said it would like a sun of a bitch! I wanted to cry it hurt that much lord! I can't believe how much that hurt and how much this all is going to hurt! Any way so checking this and she says great 2 cm looking good... umm what does that mean? It means your body is getting ready to have this baby, awesome.

So I'm super excited about the baby getting here but the part before the baby gets here is totally scary! I'm really just ready, but I'm not sure how ready for all the pain that might come with this. Any who I'm hoping that by Monday the baby will be here but who knows at this point. My next appointment with the doctor is on the 16th the day before my due date. Fun times.

6 days

2010-11-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

So since yesterday I have been having the oddest tingling sensation in my lower area's also in my upper tummy at the top of what I think is my uterus. I think that means that this little one is going to be here soon. I would say that it will come on time, tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and we are going to talk about the last ultrasound and all the crazy changes I have noticed lately. But the tingling I think is a tell sign of something starting! Woop

The man is at an interview today and should be home around 5pm. Ouch ok this little one is getting a little to strong it just kicked me and it hurt! Come out little baby!!! not before 5, but come out! Any way the mans interview is for a job in another city. I would really like to not be living in this city any more it stresses me out so much with all the traffic and rude people and man it just is getting to be a bit to much for me I'm to old for this :P

What else? I'm making stockings for the man and the baby, I have one more to put together then I just need to do the pictures on them but I have no idea what I want to put on them. I was thinking a cute little reindeer for the baby with a little tree on it. For the man I have no clue... mountains maybe the shadow of a special mountain or something? no clue yet

I have to go pick up some more colours of felt to do the reindeer tho. I want to finish them before baby gets here cause I don't think I will have the time to do it after. My mom said she booked her ticket here for a few days from now which is nice if she does come. It will be the most time I will have spent with my mom in years! I'm a little nervous about that because we are very different now and I wonder how it will be having her here and her seeing how much different I am. But it will be nice to connect with her if she does really show. My dad is not coming which kinda sucks but part of me wonders if he is really not supportive of this little one because we are not married. But I have no idea we don't talk.

oh well I'm going to head off.

Lord

2010-11-07T08:12:00.001-08:00

So last night I thought for sure my little ninja was on the way, I was wrong. But man did I ever feel bad, all the sudden I got super hot and started feeling so sick and I thought that I was going to die. This morning I have had some cramping but nothing big happening. I really hope it comes soon I'm totally ready for this baby to be here!

Today is 9 days until due date and 3 days before I got to the doctor again to check on everything and talk about what we are going to do with my big little ninja.

Any who I just wanted to update to bitch because this all sucks ass.

13 days

2010-11-03T09:57:00.000-07:00

As the due date gets closer I am getting more and more nervous about this! The baby is still getting bigger and measuring in the 9 lbs range now but they said they measure normally 10% higher then they are. So what does that mean? It means it could be smaller :) woop smaller would be good. Yesterday I thought that maybe the baby was coming cause things where moving odd and I was feeling crampy but nope nothing. Which is good cause the man is not back until tomorrow.

The thing about right now is there is so much going on that I want to do. There is this craft sale that I love to go to ever year and its this weekend. So I'm going to go on Friday as long as I feel up to it, course the man will come with me! Then he has an interview next week in a town about 3 or 4 hours away. Which should be ok but you never know. My next doctors appointment is the 11th so as long as I don't go into labour the baby is for sure not coming before then, when my doctor and I will talk more about c-section and if it might be the safer way to go. We will see how it all goes. Who knows I'm having a braxton hick as we speak so who knows what will happen.

I'm hungry and I think I should go snack on something well I feel it. Lately eating has been less then the top thing on my list yesterday I ate pretty well but the day before it was really bad! I'm trying to be better but its totally hard. Also I'm sick of having swollen hands! It sucks and I am so ready to have normal figure movement again.

Any way I'm off.

Blah!

2010-10-31T08:21:00.000-07:00

I had such a crappy sleep! I have had a headache for the past day and a half and it just wont go away. It hurts so much plus last night I was having some tummy tightening and my little friend was hurting me a little bit. I really ready for this little person to come out of me! The man seems to think its going to come today but I really don't think so. I do however think it will be soon because things are changing and that leads me to believe that it is going to happen soon.

Tomorrow I have a doctors appointment and I think we will book another ultrasound to see how big the little ninja is getting. I think I`m going to work on a the babies room and try to get the last pieces organized. The man goes away tomorrow also for three and a half days! I`m talking to the baby and telling them they CAN NOT come during this time. So we are going to take it super easy and not do anything that could send me into labour!

Any way I think I should get dressed and make some food. Happy Halloween :)

Work is over

2010-10-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today was my last day of work and it is so weird! I have never not worked I might have three weeks of nothing, which I'm sure I'll miss later but right now it seems s little crazy to not being doing anything really. My next doctors appointment is Monday and the Man will be going away from Monday - Thursday so heres hoping the baby doesn't come in that time. I'm a little mad at him for leaving me right now but I wasn't about to tell him not to go especially if the baby doesn't come he would be upset for not going.

Something kind of wonderful happened today. My sister sends me post cards well she is out of town its nice to see the places she goes in a way but I guess one got lost in the mail and today I got it sent to me from the people who found with a little note say "I don't know how this got into our mail box in Montana but thought you would like to eventually get it. - regards, The Ketcherans."

Well Dear Ketcherans thank you so much for being kind and sending this on to me it is so wonderful to know that there are still nice people out there in the world who care to forward something on to a stranger! It made my day because it was so kind and great!

Any way thats all I have to say for now but will up date again soon.

Oh Boy!

2010-10-26T11:53:00.000-07:00

So my last day of work was scheduled for November 5, 2010 however today at the doctors she said she really would like to see me off sooner and thinks that going until this Friday is enough. That said to my boss she asked for my doctor to write it down for me and they will put me right on to short term disability so that means I will not start my Mat leave until the baby officially comes. So I might get an extra 3 weeks off, which is kind of nice but at the same time what am I going to do? I asked that question to my doctor and she said "sleep and swim, your job for the next few weeks is to sleep, rest and go to the pool every day." Alrighty Fun times.

Then she went on to say if at my next ultra sound the baby is measuring 5000 or over we are going to talk about suggesting a C-section and that it would happen pretty quickly after that with in the week or so. So baby might come soon scary and exciting all at the same time. Also might I just say I love my doctor, she is so reassuring and great! I would recommend her all over the place, she is fantastic! I really hope she is the one who delivers me because I have every confidence in her and her skills and I know she would take very good care of me and my little one!

Any way I think that is all for now. My next appointment is November 1, 2010 and we will see how things are going then.

Baby baby baby!

2010-10-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

So today I had another ultrasound, why because my little ninja is getting bigger and my doctor wants to watch things. Today the doctor told me that they are thinking that the baby is 8 lbs 10oz now... LORD! The doctor at the ultrasound place said that I might want to start thinking about other options for birth, but to note some most babys growing this way are born naturally. I'm really scared about a c section!

I'm crazy about my man he is a great guy in many ways BUT I'm totally freaked out about how much he doesn't do around the house and if I am down and out for 6 weeks because of a c section that we might fight far to much and will be a big stress in the house. Its a stress in the house as it is because I'm so tried and he bitches about that. I'm growing a human it takes a toll on the body! He totally doesn't get that. Oh well after I talk to my baby doctor he and I might be having a conversation about the reality of things.

Baby is doing lots of practice breathing and is moving around a lot and doing very well they say so thats nice to hear! I'm ready to not be with child any more! I am so exhausted and its so hard to get comfy and I'm just done. Any who I'm going to go nap I think cause I'm like I said totally exhausted.

I'm difficult!

2010-10-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today was a funny day at work because I was booked for this lunch with my boss and my team and someone tried to book a meeting really close to the same time. So I thought in order to give them enough time I would reschedule for later in the day. Nope they insisted on the time set and I was so pissed about it. So I go to the meeting open and ready to take no bull and it goes fine. Than I come down 15 mins late and I start to feel like something is up. I see my boss with the classroom door closed and then I know something is up!

Surprise baby shower... Wooop I felt like such a silly person because I made such a big deal out of this stupid meeting because I felt like my time was not being valued and that it didn't matter what I had planned only their agenda which made the hair on my back raise. But nope they where just trying to help keep me totally in the dark about this.

So I got some more baby things, a bib, one piece, green sleeper and the cutest yellow winnie the pooh set. Oh and a gift card for quite a bit! It should buy at lest half the crib! rah rah to that!

So needless to say I'm difficult and should have just went with the flow. Any way thats my up date for today.

30 Days!

2010-10-17T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well we are officially at month 9! The last month of baby inside me and the soon approaching scary moments of birth... yikes! Baby is moving around but it really isn't the same any more I'm thinking that's because there is not as much space as there once was. I'm trying to get everything ready for baby but its hard because we don't know what we are having and I can't buy to many out fits and stuff. So today is washing baby clothing and making sure they are ready. The man is going to steam clean the car over the week and then we will get the car seat in.

I'm interviewing for my replacement at work this coming week, which is totally odd, but also exciting all at the same time. I have a total of three weeks left at work and way to much to do in that short amount of time.

The man went back to his winter schedule which means he is no longer home on the weekends and I miss him today. The next three weeks will be hard because I will not see him really at all wednesday through Saturday because our schedule is so differnet I go to work and well working he is home then he goes to work two hours before I'm off and doesn't get home until 12 at night. When I will be sleeping, so I will wake up with him there but never fall asleep with him. booo long 3 weeks!

Any way I'm going to head out for a bit and maybe pop by his work with a coffee for him or somthing.

35 days and counting

2010-10-12T08:26:00.001-07:00

Well today it is 35 days until my due date and I am really ready to be done being pregnant! My back hurts all the time, my right hip feels like its on fire most every day, I have hard time breathing/climbing stairs/walking for more then 20 mins/bending/getting up from the sofa/etc, and I'm just about done with my stupid swollen feet and hands that look like little sausages!

Plus I think the man is stick of my tossing and turning at night, moody craziness that seems to come at lest ever hour or two, and the general blah that seems to have taken over me! We have another class this coming Saturday to learn about breastfeeding and first few weeks or months of welcoming baby home. My next Ultrasound is on October 21, then the next appointment with the doctor is a few days after I think on the 26 but I have no idea right now.

I feel like I'm getting sick again... for the first three months of this I had the worlds longest worst cold ever and I feel like that is coming back, I'm so stuffy, sore, tired, and cloudy. Someone has said as you get closer to the end you can start having fly like symptoms and get sick. Wonderful!

Any way I think I should try and get some work done, I'm so not motivated today for anything. I want to go home and go to bed! Boo

My little over achiever

2010-10-05T13:55:00.000-07:00

Another appointment another day and offically its a month before I am on mat leave! How crazy is that it seems like it was just yesterday but at the same time it seems like its lasted forever! So I had my appointment to see how the little ninja is doing and to talk about my last ultrasound.

By the sounds of things baby is doing very well. In fact everyone says the same thing. I have a little over achiever! It does everything it is suppose to but at the highest end. Its using its lungs, moving, heart is great everything is great and its in the 95% range. Today the doctor tells me that baby at 34 weeks is already 6lbs!!!! To which my mouth dropped and I said "so what your saying is I need to diet!" The doctor laughed and said NO just be mindful and aware that you have a little amazing person growing inside you and I hope you go into labour a little bit early.

Awesome..... So thats a little scary not only now am I totally worring about the day which is almost upon us but now I also have to worry that my little ninja is big and might really tare me a new bum whole! GOD

Second to that I have to start thinking that a C-section is a very real possiblity, one which I'm totally not happy about because I'm not sure how that will all go. In fact the doctor said to me if it gets to the point where they are talking forseps that I need to tell them to do a C-section if there is time. But I'm not totally sure about that. She seems to think I'll heal better from a c-section. Scary! We will see soon enough.

Our bathroom has been ripped up for the past few weeks and should be totally finished and good to go by Friday which is totally exciting!!! Then Baby room full out needs to get finished and ready! I also need to pack the baby bag soon for the hospital. \

Any way thats all for now but will update soon.

Baby Update

2010-09-28T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well all weekend I was in loads of pain my back and my upper abs and lower abs, went to the doctor who sent me to the hospital to do some test four hours later and I never want to go back there. I'm thinking I will not go unless I'm really sure this baby is coming. So what did they figure out? My white blood count is high... wow four hours to figure that out and its common in women who are expecting. SHOCKER! LORD

So today I had an Ultrasound to measure baby's growth. So its in the 90% range which means it is growing a lot and the lady seemed to think it was a "big" baby saying most of the time when they are growing like this at this stage they range in the 8lbs to 9lbs. Which is totally scary! But the crazy thing is that like 4 weeks ago it was measuring small! So who the heck knows! I have another appointment with the doctor to review things on the 5th of October, which is one month before I'm officially off work. Yikes! 49 days until the due date today. Double yikes!

What else? oh yeah did I mention it has a big head! Fun. Thanks to the Man, he has a big head and fuck I was totally hoping that it would get my head but I guess not. He is going to pay for ever single moment that head hurts me! I wish I would have taken more time off work I fell like I could take off now and just rest but really I would just get board after about a week.

Well I think thats about it. I hope everything goes well. Will up date soon :)

56 days

2010-09-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

Well its 56 days until baby is due, I know this might sound crazy but I'm ready not to be pregnant again. I miss laying on my tummy and being able to climb up stairs without feeling like I might die. I also just would like to not hurt any more, I'm sure that is much further away then 56 days but I know some day I will not be in so much pain and that is reassuring!

Doctors appointment yesterday, the man came with me!! Its his first time to the doctors office, he’s a good man but he is driving me crazy lately! Babies heart is beating strong, I think it might have moved into the head down position or is getting ready to because I'm getting more rib kicks the ever before and I have to pee a lot more. Going for another ultrasound on October 5, 2010 which is one month until I'm officially on Mat leave! How crazy, I know it seems like it has taken forever for this to come but looking back I can't believe its already so close. This weekend I think I'm going to really try to get the big bed out of the babies room so we can get it set up. I'm going to pack the bag for the baby this weekend too I think, or at least get it close to being ready so I know what’s missing if anything.

So here’s another fun thing. I've been going to the Chiropractor because my hips have been bugging me a lot. I have had three adjustments now and the last one scared the crap out of me, she did some stuff on my neck and after I got blurry vision in one eye for about 10 mins. So for those of you out there who don't know, Chiropractors can trigger a stroke. There are five signs you are having a stroke: vision problems, dizzy, weakness, trouble speaking and headache. Why is this? Chiropractic manipulation involving the neck can causearterial dissection. My advice to people is don't let people mess with your neck! So now I don't want to go back, I'm scared of what else might happen if I go back. I'm going to be a mom, I don't want to be disabled and trying to raise my child.

What else? I bought my first computer ever! The old one I had was given to me and has been well used in the past 8 years, but I bought a laptop! It has Windows 7 on it which I rather like, and I have been getting it ready for just incase I have to work from home.

Just got off the phone with the Chiropractor and she is pretty great I must say that! But I'm really unsure about this whole thing right now. I'm going to go for a massage on Wednesday and then see how I feel about continuing treatments with the Chiro next week. I'm just super nervous about it now and not really sure its for me.

Any who I need to get some work done.

The day after

2010-09-15T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm in so much pain it is not even funny! My whole body feels like it got ran over by a truck. I went to the Chiroprator and that help with my walking but my whole body still hurts like so much. I didn't go to work today because all I want to do is sleep and cry. On top of that my little friend inside me is having a great time kicking me and curling up in a ball all on one side of me which greatly hurts. Then it moves and I think that god until it's little feet push into my blatter and its little head into my ribs. Even better! Thank you little one I know I will love you but right now I do not like you very much.

I hope tonight I can sleep alright and tomorrow I wake up feeling better then today. I want to cry! OUCH ouch ouch ouch ouch! Future mom's to be be carful when you walk because trust me you do not want to feel like this!

Oh well sitting hurts back to the sofa to snuggle with my blanket and not be in so much pain. I think I might get some drugs tonight because this sucks balls! Happy Hump day to the rest of you.

LORD

2010-09-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

So bare in mind I'm alright and the baby is alright before you ready this.

Today I fell, slipped rather, on mud in a parking lot. It tossed me pretty hard and just in case I went to the hospital to make sure everything was alright. Which they seem to think it is. Baby is moving, heart rate is good and I'm ok. Totally sore and fucked my back up worse then it was but other then that I'm ok. I go to the Chiro tomorrow agian so we will talk about what happend cause I'm pretty sore and don't want to really feel any worse.

Thankfully I didn't land on my tummy at all but man the hip that was hurting guess what it got today? A lovely suprise fall, fun times.

Any way just wanted to do a fast up date and complain cause I hurt and that was it. Time to go lay down and try to be comfy.

68 days and counting

2010-09-14T09:45:00.001-07:00

Well I can't believe I have already started to keep track but I have 68 days till I'm due. I think I'm just ready to some day again be comfortable in my own body. That sad I have been in miles of pain my poor hips and back have been a force to be reckoned with. So I decided to take affirmative action and booked an appointment at the Chiropractor. Ok I know do freak out I'm pregnant and yes went for my first adjustment and I lived and the baby is fine, gasp!

So she only did a little bit of my lower back and hips yesterday because it was my first visit ever to a chiro and because all your ligaments are lose when your expecting so you have to be extra carful. She used this thing called an activator which looks like a big needle with no needle on the end but a blunt object. In some spots it really hurt! It was so sensitive at places that I really wanted to just get her away from me.

So after all was said and done I stood up and felt a little bit odd, went to my car and to sit down and feel a little bit sore. Then my foot started to go a little bit numb when I was driving and thought to myself "Oh god what have I done". Plus baby was not really moving around. So I'm driving thinking what a mistake and waste of money and why did I think it would help. Fast forward to sleeping, I get up twice a night generally to us the washroom, I have been having a hard time because my hips have been so stiff that it takes me a little bit to get to the bathroom. It out right hurts to get up in the morning. Last night I get in normal position to get up to the bathroom and get straight up no issue, I walk and everything moves naturally and this morning I was totally not a stiff as I am normally. I was ecstatic to say the least. Still baby not moving as much as it normally does at night but I'm not to concerned cause I'm not supposed to be counting yet.

So I go back Wednesday to have another adjustment and she is going to work up my back a little bit more, which I'm excited about because my mid back hurts like a bad word! So I will up date after that appointment to let everyone know how its going. I'm also going to do two or three massages. I think for sure one before and then two after or two before and one after. Just like the Chiro, I'm going to go after to put me back together. Plus its covered by benefits at work so why not use what I'm paying for, right?

My next OB appointment isn't until September 20 so nothing new there. I'm going to check out a possible new doctor this Friday, Family Doctor, at 7:15am in down town BOOO to that. Other wise not a lot going on. I think I'm going to motivate the man to help finish setting up the baby room, we have to go pick out flooring for the bathroom, and who knows what else.

Have a super day :)

Doctors Appointments

2010-09-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

One thing is for sure I have way to many doctors apointments in the last two weeks alone I have been to 6 differnt people! In the next two weeks 3 differnt people, at least there is a decrease in numbers. Lord! One of the people next week might become my real full time family doctor so that is pretty exciting!

How is the baby? Growing! Hurting me! Kicking and Punching and head butting (at least thats what it feels like)! Oh and did I mention this child is stubborn already, it likes to hide its face in ultrasounds, 'swim' away from the doppler and move so that no one can see the things they need to see. Ladies and Gentlemen we have a live one on our hands, I think the future with this little one will be interesting to say the least. I'm going to have a crazy high energy stubborn Scorpio, fun times! The little one is on track with size, spastic with movement, and exhausting me so all is well in the world-o-baby.

This weekend I'm going to Toys-R-Us to by some stuff because they have some amazing deals. For example a snuggle for $15 and a change pad for $19 (we have one of these but its totally flat and the one on sale had two lips that cradle the little one which I think is a much better idea then flat!), they also have the thermometer that I want on sale for only $20!!!! WOOH great deal, look out toys-r-us here I come.

What else, we really need to start getting the house ready for baby, the room is only half set up and my man is renovating the bathroom. He also wants to get a carpet cleaner, and do all the floors. We need to install some safety stuff at some point and I need someone to come move things around in the house. Any takers? I was thinking of calling my mom but then I thought about that more and laughed to myself for thinking she would care and come out, yeah right.

Work is going well and I plan on working until November 5, I'm due November 17. I thought about working until the 12th but I'm not totally sure about that I think I'm going to want some time to just be with me because soon it will never again be just me. That’s a little bit scary but kind of exciting as well.

Oh its Friday also which is fantastic! Wooh weekend. I'm going to get a pedicure also :) fun times! But I should get to work before I'm late :)

Lovely Long weekends

2010-09-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Today we went to Banff, and it was a great day to be there, we walk around way to much for my likely right now but it was great I really got to take in more of the town. I didn't spend much money which was good to! We went to a crappy place for food and that kind of killed my happy vibe that I had going. But I saw the cutest winter hates all the people from Sesame Street :) Totally great!

What esle? I have another doctors appointment next week on Tuesday I guess I have to go every two weeks now. Oh I don't remember what happened when this did but I have to tell the world that I saw my man laugh so hard that coffee came out his noise :P How funny is that, I laughed so hard it was great. Any way the baby is there kicking and punching hanging out and has alittle more the two months left to grow and get ready to come into the world. Totally nuts!

This whole Labour thing scares that crap out of me! But I'm sure it will be fine, the man and I are going to take a class so hopefully that helps get us ready for what is to come. Any way I'm cold and sleepy its bed time! Night all.

Puppy Dreams

2010-08-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

So this post will be about many different things but I first had to write about my dog, she has what we call puppy dreams. When she is sleeping she starts to make the littles tiny high pitched bark. Its not loud but its a little odd. She does it a few times and then her little paws start to go and move. Its the freaken cutests thing ever. I'm sure that will change once the baby comes and then the baby will have all kinds of the cutest thing ever moments but right now my puppy it so cute.

So its the man's birthday tomorrow and yesterday I took him on a train ride to a small town and we had an alright meal and walked around. I hope he liked it and that it was fun for himI wish we could have gone into the steam part I think that would have tickled him pink. Today I am trying to make him a cake it doesn't smell all that great but who knows maybe it tastes great, it still needs to be iced and what not but its done. At present I am cooking a whole chicken in the oven and am going to make it nice a juicy, will also cook some potatoes I think but not totall sure I totally don't want to cook anything else I'm tried! Between the cooking and the dishes I think I'm done for the night. I wish I had a onion or a lemon to put in the chicken but oh well I'm sure it will turn out just fine.

I have a feeling this week will last forever because next weekend is a long week!!! Woop three days off! Also I get to go back to the doctor so they can tell me how the baby is doing. Great I have to wait to hear how it doing, what a lame ass system, why can't they just tell me when I'm at the ultrasound? Like I know if something was totally wrong they would tell me but I'm totally a worring type person. It's moving around so thats good.

Baby is coming soon and there is some stuff that needs to get done before it comes. Any who I'm tried and I just want to go lay down to bad I have to keep an eye on that bird.

3 more months

2010-08-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well it is 3 more months until my due date today and things are becoming more and more real as you can now feel the baby kick, but only if it really kicks hard and only in certain spots. I've been able to feel it for a while now but now someone just putting there hand on the spot would feel it. Plus I'm starting the planning for my replacement so that really makes things real. Its good to be planning because it allows me to set the persons objectives for the year I'm away. I love being the head of my department! Its kind of great to be controling all the items on the plan.

I have been feeling a little crappy the last few days I think I need more sleep or something. I have a few more days of work then the weekend but I'm going to try and sleep in. This Friday we are going to a fireworks show I just hope it is nice out. Its kind of a crappy day today and they are saying that tomorrow will be nice but then cloudy for the rest of the week :( Sucky!

I have two appointments next week and have to go for my second diabetes test casue the lady didn't time it right the first time and my blood was high by .2 LORD so now I have to sit there for 2 hours. Fun times. The amount of sugar in that drink they give you is totally crazy its more then some of the meals that I eat and they think that 40 mins will give the right results. Yeah right... well hopefully this time it works out better.

Any who I just thought I would do a little up date I'm pretty sleepy and not feeling 100% so I'm going to lay down.