Nice!

Your Christmas Song Is "Jingle Bell Rock"

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square In the frosty air For you, the holidays are one big party And you always end up having a little too much eggnog! http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmascarolareyouquiz/

Hahaha So true

You Are Donner

The most lovable and sweet reindeer, you're also a total dork! Why You're Naughty: You keep (accidentally) tripping the other reindeer while flying. Why You're Nice: You're always smiling, even if you've fallen flat on your horns.

dink dink :P

Okay so just as I was about to post runs through my head, Spaceballs, and the part where the little guys are saying dink dink, dink dink :P If you have not seen the movie you will think I'm totally nuts if you have maybe you will laugh, or think wow this girl has gone kind of nuts. hahaah Its the nuts I think :P

Any way in a good mood today and have been for the last little bit which is always nice! I have decided to make the move to stay in this city for one more year at min, I am going to volunteer as a Big Sister and have given a one year commitment :S scary.

So I think life is getting a little bit better still alone most of the time but I'm starting to settle into all of this. Its a little weird to think that I am at this point in my life where everything just seems to be moving around me and I kind of stand there and pick one or two things to jump on but when I was younger I would try to jump on them all and then loss my footing and end up face planting into something hard. OUCH

I have had a million OUCH moments where I just kind of ended up spreading myself to thin and got into trouble. hmm yeah so...

What else is new? work still sucks but I'm starting to get comfy there so the idea of moving to a place is getting scary, lord! Halloween is coming and I need to get a outfit cause I'm going to a party, but to work :P well volunteer! Winter is on the way, SAD, means most of my time will be spent inside I hate winter!

yeah I really just wanted to update cause I was bored but I'm going to head out for a bit now.

Hopefully I will write again soon.

Where the hell have I been?

Well its been a long long time almost 2 months since I last wrote... whats going on in my life now, huh same stuff different day. Still in a job that I hate, but only its getting worse, which means I now hate more then anything to have to go there and just sit in front of that stupid computer screen and try and pass the hours. This life I'm leading right now has gotten me to the point of true unhappiness! I who am normally a happy out going bubbly person am now a drown and all I want is for it to all end. The other day I went to my old work to do a presentation and I felt alive and full again. I was doing something great for others and it shook my very core of being and I realized something this is it, that is what I'm meant to do. Teach, educated, inspire mind to be more. So I am going to work on paying down my student loan and go back to school to get my education degree I think or something because this life will end my soul and that is no way to live at all!

Last night I went to an Artist Gala... alone, and it was amazing! The sounds, the sights, and the feeling of all around was something out of a story book. Just when all the people in one room see something that takes them away from what ever it is that they call everyday life it is truly something else. I have a drive for much these days, call it trying to fill my life with external joy. My old job use to make me so happy I didn't get out there and do much and these days I'm doing so much. I went to something they call global fest here and it was pretty amazing, again going alone. I have gone to everything alone. Its very lonely here!

I have one friend really that is it. She is a great friend but always busy with her own life. Everyone else who I know are just people I talk to from time to time, but only one friend. I've been on a mission to meet someone and I think it is starting to pain me more then really get me out there. I wonder what happened to when people where honest and not just trying to see how many chicks they can nail. I am not one of those chicks but it really shows how someone is when they say or do on thing and then nothing comes from anything. I have given myself a time frame because really there is no reason for me to be in this place. I came for a stupid reason, I stayed for a great one and now I'm hear because its all I know. Even if I did move back to my home land there is not much there for me. My oldest friends are all in there lives and so happy and I never speak to them any more. I'm not that close with my family and so it would be like living a million miles away no matter what. It would be starting all over again. And I'm not doing all that badly here really. But unhappiness is driving me to a place that is low and dark and full of things that make me feel insecure and lost.

Wow an eye opener of loneliness! That's really what is going on here I'm sure, well not all of it cause I really do hate my job but the source of my despair is wrapped up in an ugly little bow called loneliness! Today I am off to the market to walk around alone feeling inadequacy and eventually coming home with a scene of unwell being. Wish me luck. haha

Well at lest I can laugh about it still, its when the laughter stops that's when the real problem will start.

Somewhere along the way I lost part of who I was, rediscovering that has been both joyful and painful. It is still hard to think that life has taken me the way it has for some divine plan that we are all totally unaware of and yet part of. Some how I will raise above all of this but the ladder is high and the sight seems like a long path and for some reason it scares the living crap out of me.

That's it for today.... I will try to be more on the ball with this thing.
Cheers~

Extra Extra Monthly update!!

Gezz I suck at writing these days... so where to start?

I have a new job that I dislike because it does not fit right, its like that shoe that is two sizes too small looks cute on and totally amazing but by the end of the night you are thinking "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING"! Oh yeah thats right I'm not happy WOOH

So I emailed my old CEO yesterday asking if there was any way to come back in any capacity because I believe in what they are doing, I have not heard from her yet. I sure hope that I do, so I'm on a mission to find something else back in the field that I was in before because I found my passion and my drive and I was in love with my life.

The man front... oh and back thats right folks I am still single woop woop! But you know that movie 50 first dates totally sweet and lovely and wonderful all fluffy and pretty him making her fall in love with him every day, sigh... so not my life! However I have dated more then I have ever dated in my whole life... and its fun, met some cool dudes who are totally clueless as to what a find I am. One guy thinks the world of me and could I be any less interested eww! Then there is this other one that totally wants to date and have fun, he's alright but I already know he is not the guy for me. Then this guy who is totally great husband material but is totally 100% emotionally unavailable due to the fact that he just split with his ex of 7.5 years.... man can I pick them. Oh yeah and all the dates that go great and then there is a second date and it bits the mighty one! Thats always fun.... so still looking but I know he is there somewhere in the mix.

hmm what else can I tell you.... ? yup I think thats it, life sucks ass right now, but I'm working on it and I just have to remember how nice its going to be once this is all done with. ahhhh that feels good saying that. All in all besides the crap I'm a pretty happy camper because at lest it is not like it use to be and that makes me smile ear to ear. And the sheer dream of what my life is going to look like that helps make me smile as well. All good things, I have not been to work in the past few days can you tell can you can you ???

Any way I'm going to call it a night and head to my bed, well really I'm going out to look at the stars but yeah I will make sure to try and update at lest once a month.

Ciao

Man oh man

I am bad at this as a total now! I think I will just have to keep trying to do a monthly thing cause I have a hard time getting on and writing. Most of the time I have no idea what to say. So update well I'm at a new job which is very different from my last and I'm having a really hard time adjusting in this environment.

I'm still single and I give up on looking as a general whole now~! I hung out with one of my oldest guy friends and it was so weird cause I have liked him forever! And well it was nice but I just don't know. He is great and something felt really right with him but something larger felt really wrong with him. I just don't know, there is so much going on in my life right now.

Any way I have to get going to bed just thought I would let people know I was alive, I will try and update more soon!

Again forever.

So I'm really bad at updating these days. Ok here we go since the last time I wrote. No longer seeing that guy, and finally took him out of my phone book after about a month. I need to move on to better things. He was just so fantastic to me and I have clouded thoughts when I feel that way. But there are better things in the future! I have had a job interview and looking to move on in whatever way possible.

I have been just trying to be at peace with being single and not look for anything. I give up officially and when he comes along I hope I will not be so blind to miss him. It has been beautiful here the last few days and I am so happy that it looks like the summer is finally making its way back into my life!! I was thinking of taking a mini break for May long but I have to wait to see if I get my job to plan anything for sure.

I am reclaiming my life! I want things, I have goals and its time to work on me and improving my life. Woop go me go! haha Any way I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm alive and well and ready to dance in the streets. Will try to me more mindful about updates.

Cheers

hmm

Well since the last time I wrote I have been on Vacation back to the home town, which was a nice break from the norm. I finally saw that I really do like it here in Calgary but now that I'm back I'm stressed out again and feeling like my world is falling apart. I've had a really bad day today, if I would have wrote yesterday this would be a totally different story I was on cloud nine yesterday.

I feel lost today and under the weather. I was just getting healthy and can not afford to be sick at all need to make some progress at work! I'm going to up date more when I'm in a better frame of mind I just thought I would let everyone know I was alive. I'm going to bed~!

Not sure, and am wondering when I will be

So, life is this odd place that is always a little messed up. Most of time I'm not sure what is up or what is down, and right now I'm feeling more and more lost. Things with dream boy are so odd and I am not sure what to do with him anymore or if he really is the guy of my dreams and we are not dating yet this is just straight from the heart of the matter. One min he's totally into me and the next he doesn't seem like he really wants more. I'm really confused by him right now and am starting to think that maybe he is doing this for a reason. Could it all be a test?

Work is going alright but I just don't know what I want any more. I think thats the largest problem of all I just don't know as a whole what the heck I want any more. I just wish I felt like I had something to hold onto. I'm not sure when or if that is going to happen. I'm going to take some time to think this weekend about all this stuff and figure out what I need to do here. I'm going to head out now.

Brr!

So its been a bit since I have written anything, I thought it might be time to up date. First of all I'm going to start this by saying it has been really cold here these past few weeks, so cold that I felt like my lungs where going to break when I went out side. BRR! Its been an interesting few weeks. One of my dear friends is in and has been for the past well the hospital last week they told her she had MS. Its always interesting to see how other people take this harder then the person who should be taking it the worst. One of our friends has been going on and on about how this is so hard for her, how the hell is this hard for you? All you have to do is be a friend and show that you care for her, you do not have to live with this. Grow up!

I have been seeing more of the man in my life, we are not dating yet but I kind of take it that we are, I know he has not said this and there is nothing official but I only have eyes for him. Most amazing I have felt, he is just unbelievably amazing! The most amazing thing in this world is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them that much not to. I truly understand this now. After all the shit I have been through with these past years I never thought I could trust a person to myself. And this is mainly because I don't think I really ever have. I let people close to me but I never let them all the way in. He is the one I will let in and am letting in scary as all sin but at the same time totally liberating.

I see him tonight and can not wait to be in his arms safe and warm, most amazing. I have been working a lot these days and Friday I thought I was going to die, I am now well rested and ready for another week of lots of work. I'm working two jobs at the moment and getting a little burnt out but I really need the money to fix some problems. I am not totally sure where my whole like is going at the moment and I think this is the first time in the history of me that I'm okay with that. Its the oddest feeling in the world because I always feel like I have to be going towards something and right now I feel ok just being.

Any way I think I'm done for the moment I will try and up date again soon.

Hmm

So I had a job interview today that went very well, its for a second job. She is going to call my references tomorrow and then let me know, she really liked me and what I had to say she just said she needed to make sure I was as good as I sound.

I thought I would update on that guy, so I think I scared him away a little because I asked him if we where dating or not. I think I might have moved a little fast for him, because the last time I saw him he was very distant and acting a little odd. So now I have to try and rebuild what I might have broken. I really like him and would really like to see where this is all going.

I hope to see him again soon but I'm not totally sure what will happen at this point. All I can do is hope. I want to see him very much. I also hope that he is as worth it as I think he is. Any who what else is going on???

Work is going well, still wishing I made more money but what can you do, not in the field I am in for the money! My lips have been so chapped lately and not from something good like kissing! From the stupid weather, they hurt so much! I might not be drinking as much water as I should be ether so that needs to start happening.

Might make a trip back to my home town soon, that will be really nice to see the nephews and my sister. Not sure if I will see the rents while I am there but who knows. The last talk I had with mother did not go very well. No idea! Any way I think I'm down for tonight will try to write more some time soon.

Welcome 2008!

Happy New Year!

It is the end of a year and a road full of possibilities for many. A time for resolution, a time for starting a new and a time for looking back. This past year has been a roller coaster for me its been a year of sorrow, grief and lost in many ways. However it has also been a year of discovery, growth, and foundation building. I have been through more this year then what I ever thought I would have to go through, as said before a roller coaster! I would truly like this year to be the one that shines.

There are many things I would like to do and some that might be harder then others. The first of which I am starting to make moves to this Saturday. I ran into my old boss who began to ask me how I was liking my job, and I said love it, would like to make more money but love it! He offered me a job, gave me his card and said call me ASAP. Tomorrow I think I will to find out the details of what that would look like. I think this job might be good to go back to not at all in the same field which I think I really need! Will see how that all goes.

I'm hoping much for this year to come and I have no idea what it will bring. Such is life. Always hoping for the best never knowing for sure! I hope the new year brings every one a little peace, joy, happiness and love. Cheers

Something is happening

I have been seeing this guy for a little while now and I think I'm starting to really like him. I'm not sure what we are doing yet or if we are even really dating but I like him a whole lot. Last night we spent talking and laughing and falling asleep in each others arms it was beautiful. There is something very mysterious about him and I find that very intriguing. I hope that he will make some kind of commitment some day because I can not keep going on like this.

I am alone for the holidays, I was to be going back to my home town but at the last min that changed. I'm not totally sure what I will do yet, but I would like to thank all the people I know for the kind thoughts and invites to join them. I do not want to be a burden so I think I will just stay at home. I think I'm going to start making my own thing up because I don't want this to happen next year. You know its been more then a year since I have seen my parents and it does not seem that they care all that much. At lest this is home my mother is making it out to be.

I am feeling a little lost these days, its not a good thing, and I really want it to go away. I work tomorrow Christmas eve and I work, was not suppose to but am, didn't want to stay home and cry more, I think I have cried enough the last few days for a few years now. Any way I think I'm going to head out for a little bit here or do something any way. I would like to wish everyone in the world Happy Holidays and may you and yours be filled with joy.

I think my body is trying to tell me something

So I am now another year older, and I think that something is going on. I first had a really bad cold lost my voice and felt super dizzy all the time, thought I would totally better just in time for my big day. Then on that night started to feel sick. Spent last night in the No Urgent Emergency room although they made it seem like it was pretty urgent. Got an IV due to Dehydration and fever got released at like 4:30 or something. So much fun. I'm not totally sure what my body is trying to tell me but maybe its a combination of stress and not being as health, even though I thought I was doing great. I have 11 days until I get a week off which I'm hoping will be a nice change.

Any who I just wanted to update saying I'm alive, not so well but alive non the less. I hope I feel better tomorrow really need to be at work for a meeting man I just want to not feel so shitty and I really wish I had it in me to eat something. I feel hungry but I also feel like if I put anything in me its just going to be a bad idea. Need some soup that might be the easiest to get down. Any way I'm going to go now.

hehehehe fun

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

hee hee

Your Elf Name Is...

Sassy Slave O' Santa

What's Your Elf Name?

So sleepy!

I would not trade anything for last night, but I am more sleepy then I have ever been in my life. As you have guessed I'm not at my second job why you ask well thats because I'm running off of 2 hours of sleep right now and I know I need the money but I think my mental health and well being is a little more important then money. I might not be saying that later but for now I know its the right thing to do. I spend the best night ever sitting in my car with this person who has captured a great part of myself. I was up until 4 am talking and just enjoying the company of this wonderful person.

I have no idea where this will all go or what it means but I know I would not trade anything in the world for last night. It was more then fantastic! It was like a painting that will forever be engraved in my minds eye. I hope that this person wants to see me again I truly don't think that he would be that kind of person but all I know is I want to be in his presents again. I think that I am a little in over my head, but I like it! I say this because he is something wonderful and I have never been so overwhelmed before. I'm going to call my second job tonight a little later on to make sure I still go on Wednesday I hope that works out for the best but I will not know for sure until later.

I'm not sure what else to write at the moment, I am so sleepy I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit and hope not to fall asleep right away because I don't want to mess up my schedule to much. Any way I'm going to get going, will write more soon.

The last weekend of freedom

I start my second job tomorrow, who thought in my professional life that I would need a second job. Its not just about the money it helps but I really need something to distract me from the loneness in my life. I am just sick of being alone all the time at this point what a better way to avoid that then make ones self more busy then anything else. Tomorrow I don't even come home just from one job to another. I will not be home until after 10, come home sleep get up go to work. This will be my life for the next little while we will see how long I will be able to do this for before I go crazy but for now I'm going to give it a try and will see.

I am feeling really out of it these days and I'm not sure why or what I need to do to get things back on track I don't know what I even need. I know that working from 8am till 10pm with an hour break between does not sound like fun to me, when I know that hour will be spent in traffic! Hmmm the more I think about this it sounds like a stupid idea, I think I might start looking for a job that pays more! I think that might be a good idea any way I'm starting to have a hard time living where I live with whom I live due to work stuff. Its not working as well as I thought it would. We get alone fine and everything is great just the work stuff when that comes into play it makes this really hard!

Who knows will have to see what happens maybe I'll start looking around at whats out there and see what I can get somewhere else. I love my job but I just am not sure I can keep going on like this, its a little to much for me. Any way thats all for now I'll write more soon.

Enjoying a Extra Day!

Today is an extra day off and it is great! I'm enjoying one extra day to just be clam and at ease with myself. I have to call the place where I might be able to get a second job tomorrow. I hope that all works out. I'm ready to take it on, its going to be very hard at first but I know that i need this to get on better.

I need a winter jacket so bad! Its starting to get cold here and I am getting to the point where I really need something. I only have fleece jackets right now and they are not that warm. I had an old winter jacket but I can't seem to find the other piece to it and I believe my ex still has it and seems that person will not even give me back the things I hold dear to me I really don't think I'm going to be getting back that any time soon.

Life is going alright it could be better but as for everything we always want more out of everything. I think it might be human nature as society has pushed it to be as such. I have been thinking a lot about how much longer I want to be this province and I am having a hard time finding an answer to that. Who knows any more? Does not seem like I do. Just kind of sitting waiting for a sign. Any way I just wanted to add a little up date and give some joy to my day off and thats it really.

Wanted to update!

Well its been a while now and I thought I was due for an update. I had a good weekend pretty peaceful for the most part. I'm still thinking about what I should do with my life, things seem to be pretty crazy in my life and I just don't know what is up or down these days. Things are what they are and I'm starting to wonder what I should do more then ever now. On one hand I'm very happy on the other I feel like something is missing. I'm not feeling very well tonight! I have not been feeling all that great as a total whole these days. But thats alright I know its going to pass and I like to not think about it as I feel if you feed into the illness it might win.

I have been thinking about it a lot and I don't think moving anywhere is going to solve my money problems. Everything here is pretty cheep so I'm not total sure anything will help that but me making more money! Any way I think thats about all I have to say for now. Will write more some day soon!