Not sure, and am wondering when I will be

So, life is this odd place that is always a little messed up. Most of time I'm not sure what is up or what is down, and right now I'm feeling more and more lost. Things with dream boy are so odd and I am not sure what to do with him anymore or if he really is the guy of my dreams and we are not dating yet this is just straight from the heart of the matter. One min he's totally into me and the next he doesn't seem like he really wants more. I'm really confused by him right now and am starting to think that maybe he is doing this for a reason. Could it all be a test?

Work is going alright but I just don't know what I want any more. I think thats the largest problem of all I just don't know as a whole what the heck I want any more. I just wish I felt like I had something to hold onto. I'm not sure when or if that is going to happen. I'm going to take some time to think this weekend about all this stuff and figure out what I need to do here. I'm going to head out now.

Brr!

So its been a bit since I have written anything, I thought it might be time to up date. First of all I'm going to start this by saying it has been really cold here these past few weeks, so cold that I felt like my lungs where going to break when I went out side. BRR! Its been an interesting few weeks. One of my dear friends is in and has been for the past well the hospital last week they told her she had MS. Its always interesting to see how other people take this harder then the person who should be taking it the worst. One of our friends has been going on and on about how this is so hard for her, how the hell is this hard for you? All you have to do is be a friend and show that you care for her, you do not have to live with this. Grow up!

I have been seeing more of the man in my life, we are not dating yet but I kind of take it that we are, I know he has not said this and there is nothing official but I only have eyes for him. Most amazing I have felt, he is just unbelievably amazing! The most amazing thing in this world is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them that much not to. I truly understand this now. After all the shit I have been through with these past years I never thought I could trust a person to myself. And this is mainly because I don't think I really ever have. I let people close to me but I never let them all the way in. He is the one I will let in and am letting in scary as all sin but at the same time totally liberating.

I see him tonight and can not wait to be in his arms safe and warm, most amazing. I have been working a lot these days and Friday I thought I was going to die, I am now well rested and ready for another week of lots of work. I'm working two jobs at the moment and getting a little burnt out but I really need the money to fix some problems. I am not totally sure where my whole like is going at the moment and I think this is the first time in the history of me that I'm okay with that. Its the oddest feeling in the world because I always feel like I have to be going towards something and right now I feel ok just being.

Any way I think I'm done for the moment I will try and up date again soon.