Monday, July 30, 2012

Shitty few days

Well its been a bad few days and I am feeling emotionally run over and totally just exhausted! I feel like its a giant F you and more over a big old I couldn't give shit. So life now is my little family, me and my little man. The mans future and mine is a little uncertain, but as for my extended relatives that's it I'm with out ties and with out them!

I have some wonderful choice words for these people however I am not going to be like them and take the higher road and just leave it. It takes a pretty ugly person to do and say the things I have heard and seen from these people. Enjoy your ugly I'm not going to be part of it.

Any way thats all for now and I don't think I will be writing here any more. So cheers to you all thanks for reading all my hard times, all my good times. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Uncertain about future

Well today the Man officially quite his job which means that we are for sure going to end up not being here soon. I'm not sure how I totally feel about that, excited and scared! It sounds like he wants to rent for a little bit to start until we can rent this place out our sell and then get something new. I am really excited to have a new start somewhere but at the same time I'm really hoping that its in BC... we will see I guess.

What else is new well the in laws arrive today! Yippie that means I will get a little bit of a break and have some time to organize a bit an maybe think about packing as the Mans job starts in about three weeks.... lord!

I wonder how long after my interview coming up soon will I here about if I get the position or not. Cause if I get that job we are going to move somewhere else and the Man might be a stay at home dad for a little while well I work for a bit. What ever happens its going to be different and its going to be new... I'm a little nervous about our future right now and what might happen but mostly I'm super excited that we are going to be making a new start somewhere else.

I have an appointment today to get some test results... I'm a little worried about that but hoping that they are going to say everything is fine and I worry for no reason! My cousins husband passed away in an accident at home the other day and his funeral is today. This is someone I have know since I was little, and honestly I hated him! He was such a bad person to me, he picked on me almost every day for years and I hated him. That said I would never wish what happened to him upon anyone, it is very sad that his little girl found him and I am heart broken for my cousin life is taken from us so easily. This event has made me evaluate a few things here with my situation and I'm feeling more and more like good things need to happen. I need to see some constant positive change quickly here.

Any way I should get going I'm feeling chatty and could write forever right now but I would like to have a rest well my love sleeps.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Caught in the middle

Well today I found out I passed a test that I thought for sure I flopped on and that was a great feeling. I feel like I am much more able then I give myself credit for. I also told a very good opportunity that I need to back away from it because might be moving in a few months. Also because I wasn't feeling good about some of the things they wanted to know about me. Or having to talk to other people about them... So I just decided to not do it. But the shitty thing is now I have to lie to someone else and I don't like that feeling at all!

I honestly hope I do well on an interview I have coming up I think the relocation would be good for me and allow me to be somewhere that gives my lovely little man the chance to get to know some people who I wish he knew. It also gets me into a job that offers me some great benefits and a way to retire some day... which is a good thing and something I think I need. Just means my stay at home mom days would be over and that makes me a little sad cause I really love spending time with my son. I however think it would be excellent for him to go out and become more of his own person. But I will miss him a whole lot! It makes me really sad to think about not having as much time with him. Sometimes I still wish I worked even a little bit just for a break but I really love being with him. I know he is safe, I know he is well taken care of and I am there if he needs me. Tonight he got a bad cut on his eye lid. Dad wasn't watching... but I made it better I fixed him up gave him some love and made it better.

I just feel really caught in between a rock and a hard place! Also the job back home would mean that if I wanted to end things with the man that it would be a whole lot easier to do so, that way I applied for it in the first place cause I was totally set on going home at that point. Any way I just wanted to up date I'm feeling better these days but wonder what life has in store for me over these next few months. I'm sure it will be all a lot of change whatever it is...

Love to all and to all good night

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Where did I go?

Well things have been busy these days and I haven't had much time to write anything. I thought it was time for an up date... first of all might I say that its is +23 out and I'm in a blanket in my room because I'm so cold... why or how you ask well I cooled of the house to well! My feet are like ice!

So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.

Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!

Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!

I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!

Saturday, June 23, 2012


I think god heard me... I am both amazed and shocked by what happened today... something clicked and I felt like for the first time the man got it and he really said something that will stick with me forever. It made me cry soo hard because I never thought he would get it and then it just happened and it was like something in me released some of this anger. I think we might be ok and this is the first time where in my soul I have felt that. That this might all be ok and we will get through this stronger and better then before and that my friends is simply amazing to think about.

So on with the book... I have started in on the healing stuff and now that I think today happened I might be able to really connect with it. I really hope that this is the start I can't think about going back from here but it has happened a few times where I feel really good about stuff and then he just fucks up again. But I think its different because a small weight has been lifted off of me and let me know that he really knows the damage that happened and that it was so wrong.

So where to from here. Well we might move... that would be a start to a new life for sure I have a little network here of mommy friends and all that jazz so that would be sad but I do think its time to leave this city. I was just hoping we would be moving west, not north! boo to that. I want to go west the winds are calling me home and I just want to be closer to everyone and everything that I love.

Any way I just would like to thank the lord for hearing my cry for help. I'm really not the religious type but I truly feel like I was heard and got what I needed today!

Friday, June 22, 2012

All joking aside

Okay God if you are out there this is it I'm really just in need of a big monster sign that I am doing stuff right here. Is that to much to ask? I know your busy with all the other issues in the world that I'm sure are much more vast then mine but please I just really need to know if the choices I'm making are truly just total rubbish and I just need to stop and see that its never going to be right. Things aren't even that bad things are pretty good but I feel like I'm going mad!

Who new this is how things would work out, really! I just really am ready to not have to worry any more to not feel so nuts. I'm reading a book right now that seems to be helping me make some good sense of what I've been going through here and I am thankful I have read it thus far but it really has made me pretty mad and question a lot. I'm not at the point in the book where its suppose to start helping and man I sure hope it does. Cause honestly I just want something joyful in my life again. I want to fight for me and my joy. I want to shine so bright that you need sunglasses to even get a look at how amazing I am! You know something, I am amazing I have so much to offer to the world and I know that my purpose here has been put on hold because of a few things but I'm ok with that for now. I just know that I am ready to start living again and stop holding on to all this shit and I really just need to know that this is right or not.

I think the book is helping but it takes so long to read! I hate being a slow reader and I hate that I have a hard time doing it. I'm only a 1/4 way through and its been days! Well at least I'm doing it right? Any way before my love gets up I need to go eat and stuff so I'm going to end there.

I kinda miss my family also, I wish I felt like they where more involved in my life I could use some soild support and love right now from people who are really there just for my joy and I feel really alone. 

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Coming to a close

Well things are coming to a close and I feel like we might be making progress. I'm not totally sure that this is the right thing for me to keep doing right now but I am also feeling like I have no choice but to see how it goes. Man having kids makes things a lot harder! I feel pretty alone and kind of empty inside right now. I feel really disconnected from everything and just hope that I can start going back to the person I once was. Thats really what matters to me. I am that person somewhere and I just want to feel joy again.

I know I've never been good at letting things go but this is the one thing I think I just need to let the universe have and see how it all happens. I feel like I am a good person and good things happen to good people so I'm hoping that karma will come on in and give me some love. 

I feel defeated lately like the life has been sucked out of me. I think I need a hobby or something to bring some life back into me but what? I use to love, not true still love, to sing and I was thinking of finding a singing group to join but who has the time for that? I'm also not sure I would be supported in wanting to do that or if someone would just guilt me for being out of the house and not at home some times... I also would like to buy a camera, but am kinda broke. I would like to start shooting some stuff I think I have a pretty good eye and I wonder if I could make some side money doing that. I love taking photos and getting those special moments. But thats on the back right now. I also would like to start my own practice doing some consulting but don't really have the time right now.

Hmm what else the man has interviewed a lot lately but all in another stupid city in this stupid province and non back in the home land which makes me sad! I want to go home so bad!!! I miss how beautiful it is there. I would love to be closer to some people and I wish others carried enough to come here. I can't believe that at my age I feel totally abandoned by people who where major factors in my life. I can't believe how shitty they have made me feel and I can't believe I have allowed it. Although that does explain why I allow some super shitty shit to happen in my life. huh thats a eye opening moment... Maybe I'm doing this because it feels like something I have experienced before. wow to much to take in right now. Any way I just wanted to up date and right now I'm a little numb and a lot concerned for my future but I still have hope so thats promising!