I bid adieu to 2011

New years eve is here and we are about to say good bye to 2011 and hello to 2012, it has been a year for sure! Amazing moments, sad days, hard days but all and all I think one of the best years for me because I was blessed with a lovely little man who really made my year.

He learnt how to pick his head up, roll over, crawl, walk and started to want to run all in one year, this year. He has learnt words and how to ask for things he wants with out words. He has learnt about so much and grown so much and has turned my world totally upside down in the most wonderful way! He has such a lovely personality and is just a gem and I am the most proud momma in the whole world and I cant wait to see him grow and change more this year to come.

I have never really been the kind of person to make resolutions its really not my thing. But I have always tried to make one or two goals and this year there are a few things I would like to see happen in this coming year. I think one of the biggest ones is to find my smile again, I think I have lost it, as I have been pretty sad these last few months, its just been a hard go at life and I forget what its like to be me. This past two years my life has changed in large ways and I feel like I lost my smile though a lot of the shit that has occurred. So I would like to bring joy back into my life.

Any way I'm getting sleepy and I think I might not make it until mid night to bring in the New Year as it happens. But 2011 has been many highs and a few lows, it has been full of new things and has taught me lots. Now I bid adieu to dear 2011.

Happy Birthday to my Sister

Dearest sister of mine, today is your birthday and I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and have a glass of wine with you. Welcome to old age :P I had to say it once. But I hope this year brings you all the joy and love that you need!! I hope that you are smiling today and I hope that you know I love you and miss you ever day!

xoxoxo

Blah!

Sick babies are a whole bunch more work then anyone ever tells you, and to top it off I feel like ass myself but its a different kind of sick. He is coughing, runny noise, and just over all sick. I am feeling barffy and just blah kinda sick. It sucks balls! I seem to feel worse at night for some reason and I'm not sure why. Needless to say I hope everyone in my house feels better soon!

What else... well I would like some one to tell me when I might feel better about my ass of a Man I mean I have good days where I think that its going to be alright and things are good but then today happens and I just hate him again! I know he feels bad and I know he is trying but I'm not sure thats enough some times. Its just painful to know what has happened here and it makes me sick some times. Like tonight and I'm not sure why its coming up tonight but it is, and it sucks!

What else is going on . . . well in a week and a bit we are going to see the in laws, which is great, they are suck good people I just wish there son was the same, and I know somewhere he is but fuck man this is just ass! OK so I really feel like ass tonight and I am mad like mad mad mad mother fucking mad, and I don't like it sometimes I think I should just get it over with and move on but then I remember that he does make me feel good and I do care about him and that I did want a life with him and I don't know what to do after that, but I feel broken tonight and I think my hormones might have something to do with this! Blah!

Any way I'm excited about going away and seeing the in laws and getting some good swim time in! Also I'm excited for next week cause someone is finally going to come fix the stupid floor and I might get my living room back by the end of next week!! How exciting!!

Something to try and get my smile back:
I love that little man more then anything in this world, and in all his sickness he is still the cutest kid ever. He was sitting snuggling with me and all the sudden jumped up, fell into my lap looked at me and smiled but and said mom. Then sat up looked and me and "kissed" (really its like a lick) my cheeks three times and then hugged me.

I love him! I thank all the goodness in the world for him every day! I am so proud to be his mom and I am so excited to see him grow and change and learn and become a wonderful man! Give it up for your kids! Cause honestly they make your life 100 million times more amazing then anything else could ever!

Twas the night before Christmas

Well it has been a while since I last wrote but life has been a bit hard lately. Just with the man and the things we have been through things have been hard. I have been home to see my family, have been to a talk to some one about our issues and have been getting ready to have my lovely little mans second Christmas. This time last year my son was just a month old and so small. My cousin had a baby just a few days ago and it totally takes me back a year and to how different my life was. Things have for sure changed! I think that the Man and I have been making some progress but at the same time he is so rude to me some times. I kind of gave him an ultimatum to prove that he is committed to me and this relationship or that I will leave in the new year after we have gone to court. So we will see how that goes. I still don't totally trust him and I don't know if I will ever really forgive him but things are better for the moment.

My friend has gone through something the same and she texted me today saying how unhappy she is and if she wasn't so afraid of being alone she would leave him. But she is amazing and wouldn't have a problem finding someone who would be amazing to her. I totally get where she is coming from though! I am totally scared to be alone and for my son to not feel like he has the best of everything. The more I talk to the kids at my work about there families the more it makes me want to make this work and work great for him. Most of the kids come from broken homes and some come from super dysfunctional homes. The other day this weird little boy that is so cute was drawing with me and we where chatting and I said something about making his mom a card cause all moms like cards. He looked at me all odd and said "I don't have a mom!" then rolled his eyes. It made my heart break, no mom, who has no mom, I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was a sweet smart lovey little guy and that I'm sure his mom loved him. So sad!

Also there is this little girl who is my fav from them all she is so sweet and so kind. She is also smart and so pretty and is just such a great person! She was telling me about how its so hard not living with he mom and dad. she never sees he dad and when she does she doesn't know how to act around him because she doesn't know him enough. She also went on to tell me about how she was really excited to get to spend Christmas with him this year and really have some time with him. How sweet and how sad. Its so hard this whole life thing.

Any way I spent the day doing some last minute shopping and then went to the Mans work and we cleaned the car from top to bottom and then changed the little mans seat to be forward facing. He is so big!! They grow way to fast. Man do I ever love that kid! Like I don't think I ever knew you could love someone so much but I love him more then anything and larger then I ever have loved anything in my life!

Any way Christmas is tomorrow and I'm excited for the New Year because it will be full of change no matter what so its going to be a big year I think. I love you all I miss my family! I wish we where together for the holidays but just know I love you and my heart is with you!

Merry Christmas!

A joyful and breaking heart all at the same time

First I feel so blessed in my life to have the most amazing little man ever he is smart, cute, silly and just the best thing in the world. I love him more then anything in this world and tomorrow he is one! One year ago today I sat in a hospital waiting for him to come, I was all alone because the Man didn't spend a lot of time with me there. I can't believe how fast time has gone by and that tomorrow he will be one year old! What a year its been he is so amazing and how he has changed is just wow! Joyful heart of mine I love him so I am so thankful for him and the gifts he brings me every day.

Now to address the heart break... the man cheated on me, on November 4 he went away for some job thing and because I didn't go he thought it would be a good call to post on craigslist looking for sex and then he met someone and did the unthinkable in my mind, he had sex with her. On November 7th I found out about it and life will never be the same. We will be going to court on Monday to see who gets the right to raise our son. I don't have much doubt that I will because I am an amazing mom and I will do right by that boy!

I can't believe he is tossing this all away I even asked if he would be willing to do some things so we could work on stuff, who the fuck does that? And he will not do anything. I think I am just so hurt by all of this I feel empty and sad. But I know my future will be bright because I will have the most important person in the world in my life. My son! Whom I love if you didn't notice :P

I just wish the man wanted to fight for me but really what makes me think he would he slept with someone else! I hate that he has done this to us, and I really hate him for all of this. More then anything though I think I'm just really sad. I wanted a life that now I'm not sure I will find. Maybe I will but now I'm a package deal and have a ton of baggage so its going to be a hard go at life for the next little while.

Wish me luck, hopefully will up date soon.

Have you ever felt like just crying?

So I feel super over worked! The Man is on night shifts and I am on baby duty all the fucking time, cause he sleeps once he is home. I have felt over worked for the last year almost because it feels like I do everything for that kid, its a little exhusting! I am so happy that I am going back to work and he can get a taste of what its like to take care of him cause I'm burnt out! I totally love that little man but man some times I just need a break. OH and I'm totally going out for the first time with some ladies tomorrow! WOOh yeah! Excited!!!

what else... well the man turned down the job in the other city, so we are staying here and I get to work which I have never been so happy about! I feel kind of bad saying this but I can't wait to be baby free for a few hours a day! I've never felt so drained and speaking of which I should go cause I'm exhusted. I just really needed to vent cause I'm feeling a bit nuts!

wow time flys

So in a little more then a week my lovely little man will be one! One year old, I can't believe I am here at this stage, some times it seems a bit surreal but I wouldn't have it any other way because he is the love of my life. I never knew I could be so in love! Thats not true I did I just didn't know it would be with a little tiny man!

We are at a cross roads The Man has a job offer in another city and isn't sure what to do yet, he has to tell them today! I also got a job offer for a part time gig that would allow me to be at home with my little man and still make some money but it is here. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation.

Blah my computer is about to loss batter power and my charger is on a different level so I guess thats all I have to say for now.

Time for an update

Things have been busy lately, I've had a visit from my wonderful sister. A surprise of my "in-laws" and one of my Mans aunts because his grandma pasted away and they all stayed here for one night. His Aunt has since been back and we got to hang out for a day and then went to Thanksgiving at his other aunts house in town here. Fun times... it was a nice thanksgiving but I think the food made me feel ill boo, and I think my little man as well isn't feeling so great! We are still waiting on my in laws return because my mother in law is not doing so well she has a kidney stone that I guess is just hurting so much, she has been in the hospital out east three times and they are hoping she will feel better and are waiting for them to zap that bad boy out! I hope that it goes well.

Let me just say this now, I do love my parents, but they kind of sucked growing up and they have sucked even harder the past oh 8 years or so. They have never been great parents but I think they did what they thought was the best they could, but they are shitty grandparents and have been super shitty parents the last little while. That said I love my in laws! They are so caring and loving and so great to my son it is not even funny, so the thought of her not doing well sucks balls because she is freaking great to us and me! I hope she is ok. Please note I would feel bad if my mom was sick to cause shes my mom but this lady doesn't have to love me she doesn't have to even like me and she treats me like I'm one of her own so having someone in your life who loves you for just being you and is kind to you and wants to learn about who you are and what you like is pretty great. I know that they would be there for us no matter what and that is something I can truly say my parents would never do, and I know this from very recent experiences! ERR assholes! nough said.

My visit with my sister was the most thankful thing I have had in a while, it was so nice to just hang out and laugh and cry and all that jazz with her, and I think I'm going to ask instead of ever sending me another gift or card or anything again I just get a promise to see he at least once a year! That would be the best gift I could ever want or get. Oh and she must bring wine :P
PS I know your reading this and just know I love you and being able to call you my sister is amazing but knowing we are friends and can talk about anything just about blows my mind on how freaking great that is! I love you sis!

What else... oh my lovely little man is testing the shit out of me lately, I love him more then anything in this world but man he is just getting on my last nerve lately and I really feel like I need a mini break from him. Just like a full 24 hours sans baby. Maybe I should ask Santa for that! lord. But I love him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about work yet, my future seems a bit of a blur right now. But I'm hoping things will work out. Any way I think we might go with the Man tonight on a road trip so I should pack and get things ready well the little man is sleeping.

Things are better

Well things are getting better The Man and I have talked and talked a lot about how things are and the why things got they way they did. So I think we are on the road to recovery and getting better. He said he doesn't know what he would do with out us and he doesn't want to see that day. So that was nice to hear and I hope things keep on this way.

My little man is growing more and more and changing every day and he is just so amazing! In a short week and a bit we are going to have a wonderful visit from the most amazing sister ever! We have a little surprise for her also once she gets here... more motivation to come as soon as possible. We can't wait to see her!

Any way my little man loves the computer and isn't very helpful yet with is so I'm going to go cause he just wants attention from me so until soon.

PS
I'm so happy that things are feeling a bit better, what a hard few days, but who said I liked it easy in the first place. It all just is making me strong and giving me more dimensions as a person.

what a lovely day!

So today and for the past few weeks it has been amazing here today it already like 29 and its only 2! I have an interview tonight for a part time job which would mean I could spend more time with my son which is awesome! So whats new, things are still rocky on the home front but I think it might be workerable we will see how things go over the nex few weeks. We tried to go swimming today at this man made lake but they closed for the session! Lame!

I was thinking about going out again today but we have had a busy morning so I'm not sure now, the little man is pretty sleepy! Oh well I just wanted to up date and let everyone know I'm alive and busy! :)

when is enough, really enough?

Well it has truly been a while since I have updated, what is new? well ok we will get there, were have I been? I've been on vacation - road trip home seeing everyone, introducing my little man to a second cousin and hanging out well the Man had an interview. My little man is growing and growing he is climbing up on everything, starting to want to move around more and more on his feet, getting into everything and is slowly finding his own little world and a tiny bit of Independence. I can now leave him to play and do other things, its kind of nice. But when he thinks he is alone lord let the crying monster come on out. Regardless I love him more then words can even begin to say. He is my breath, my heart, my love, my all. This little man has taken my heart forever, he is so amazing!

The adult man not so much, tonight I am alone in my bed well the Man is down staires I think sleeping. woop give it up for fighting. Which beings me to my question at hand, when is enough truly enough? We had a big blow out because he can be a little insensitive, and I had it I was ready to pack me and the little man up and go, like more ready then I have ever been. In fact I had visions of tossing some hard large object at him taking my baby and never talking to him again. But then I thought that might not be such a great call. Well tonight yet again four things he said where on the NO NEVER AGAIN list and they in fact did come out of his month then he fucked up the little mans bed time schedule did a bunch of things wrong and to top it off the little man almost fell off the bed but I was there (thank god) to catch him! So now what I have told him that if things didn't change that was it I was done and we would be gone! Well after hmmm 5 short lived days guess what the ass is back. So now what? well tomorrow we have a little conversation and if it goes the way I think it will we will be back on working on getting him to understand how things need to work and if it goes bad then well I'm done and I think enough truly is enough and my little man and I will move on and life will be crazy and hard but who said I ever liked the easy road? Not me, for some reason I like to take the hard road and fight with everything I have to prove to myself that I can in fact do it!

Any way that is my up date things are shitty at home! I have a lovely little man that means the world to me and he is all that matters! So I will do whatever is best for us and at this point I'm thinking it might be best for us just to be us for a while, but we will see.

Now its bed time. night night

I hate it when I can't sleep

So tonight I can't sleep I have all of these thoughts in my head and am having a hard time falling asleep the little man passed out with no issue tonight didn't even need a snuggle just feel asleep, and The Man is off snoring away, making it even harder to fall asleep. I'm not sure why I get like this wait I do my OCD father. I try to not do stuff like he did but some times I check the locks a few times and if I hear something really odd I have a piece of wood that I grab and then go and see what is making that sound. All those nights of my dad with a gun looking around the house kind of made an impression on me. I get all these crazy thoughts and then can't sleep. To make it worse last night I woke up in tears because I had the worst headache I have ever had. Sucked! Especially because the little man didn't wake up at all last night and I could have gotten a great sleep. Maybe some day, I must say that I was not at all like this before but as soon as my son came I turned into a crazy person.

So what else is on my mind well I keep reading and hearing about scary things about the bad stuff we are doing to our world and I wonder what the hell is wrong with people like why are we not listening? Why are we still consuming as much, why are we still wasting, why are we killing our home? Like don't we want our kids and grand kids and all the people of the world past us and them to have a place to live? Don't we want to see people move on and forward? Since when did we get this standard thought of if its not in our time its no big deal why worry? Well I want to see my baby grow up and I want to see him have babies and I want to have a full great life but beyond that I want all the people in the world to have the same opportunity that I have, to age and live and go on to see there families age and live and I know my son will want the same for his kids and grand kids and so on. But where is civic responsibility? Where is pride in our world? As Sam Roberts says "Where have all the good people gone"? Its like people just don't care, do you know this year I have only seen about 5 bees, and all around my house so more then likely its the same bee but I have seen him 5 times. Maybe a few more but I remember when bees where everywhere, and not just bees but yellow jackets and other bugs, but for some reason I don't see them any more. Where have we gone so wrong? Is this really what industrialization brings us? Well maybe someone should have rethought that!

Any way that is my rant for the night about that. We have a vacation coming up but we are not sure what we will do yet. I was hoping to see my brother and have him meet my family but I'm sure if I will get to do that now. Blah! What else my little man has been a hand full lately he is getting into everything and we really need some gates, but like big gates! 7 foot gates! hard to find for a good price! I'm hoping I can get them soon so I don't have to be on him all the time and can start giving him and me a little bit more freedom. Ahh we will see any way I'm off for the night to hopefully catch some zzz's :) night night

So little time!

Well I have been busy walking, meeting with other moms and babies and teaching my little man to eat table foods woop! Its been a pretty fun summer so far and I hope it gets even better!!! I had a phone interview yesterday for a job that I think I would love it would be working with youth and getting them interested in volunteering. I would get to make presentations and talk to people all the time which for any one who knows me is totally me! I would LOVE doing this. But we will see The Man has been getting a lot of interviews out of the city which is great but also if I get this job would suck balls! Oh well you never know I guess we will see!

What else my little man is crawling, not traditional crawling but his version and he gets around just fine, he is fast! If he was "normal" crawling I can't imagine how I would keep tabs on him. He loves to try whatever we are eating and if he can't he gets so up set. I need to start getting some more baby friendly food in the house. He loves oranges and water, silly guy. But he is also not wanting to eat some things which is hard! But I'm hoping that will change.

We are going to look at a car tonight that we have seen once now and have made an offer on, but we are going to take a more detailed look at the car and just make sure that its going to work for us its not insured so we can't really get it to a shop to have it looked at but I think its in good shape plus its a great price so we are going to lift it up look under it and check a few things and then if The Man says yes it will be ours. My first ours car! crazy! Its a cute little sporty mazda and its black! wooh We will see what tonight brings.

Any way I have some stuff to do before my love gets up from his nap. Have a lovely day!!

Thank god for a fast mommy!

So my little man is totally on the move he is rolling a bunch and starting to crawl and its just so fast its crazy and he is quick like super quick so he was on a change table and started to roll and fell but guess who caught him just in time? Me! Lord! I was just freaking out but thank god he is ok. What the hell? ahhh oh well he is ok and all is well I think he was a little shaken up cause he cried but was alright in no time and is now sleeping poor guy so sleepy. I got him a curtain rod today to hang some curtain's cause its so light in his room and he has been having a hard time sleeping.

We are on a search for a new to us car and the search isn't going so well hopefully we get some luck soon cause bula is on her last legs here, she needs to retire, big time. We can't really go any where until we have a new car and I would like to see my brother this summer but who knows. It sure would be nice if someone came to use to visit besides the inlaws. No one from my family has been here and it pisses me off a little bit. Oh wait my mom has been here for like a minute but thats it and I'm so unimpressed with all of them right now. I wish I was a bit more important to come see. Things not to do to my son when he is older. err any way that was a vent moment. I should get going to make the little man lunch.

Sunny Sunny day!

I have a lovely sleeping little man, in his play pen of course! Man is it a nice day we spent the morning playing with some new musical toys, fantastic! And learning how to transplant flowers, he learnt I showed :) Cleaned the deck and now have two pots full of lovely flowers. Wooh I wish I would have gotten deck hangers but whatever its all good. What else well after my post I think I'm going to take out the trash and maybe dishes. We will see how long he sleeps for. What else? Hmm I'm not sure really. Next week we start a class which I think he will love.

Okay so a moment to talk about a part of the males body. So my little man is not circumcised because I couldn't hold him down and pay for some one to harm him in that kind of a way. Well for the last 4 months he has had a bump on his penis and I check on it make sure its not growing until we can get an appointment with a specialist. Today I checked on it and noticed something new something that scares the crap out of me it seems that the little tiny whole where his penis should come out is really little and tiny and almost was bleeding when I went to check on the bump. So this means he might have to get cut :( Which totally makes me up set because I don't want to put him through this. Mostly I don't want to go through it he is going to be so up set about it and its going to SUCK! bahhh but we made an appointment because I'm not sure and I just want to be sure that we have to do this. SUCKS! man I don't want to hold him down well someone cuts his man parts :(

Any way I should run to do the trash before the little man wakes up and wants to play again. Oh and its an amazing day out! wooh

Oh sun shine how do I love you

Well today is just a great day, its sunny out and I have a napping little man, who just woke up as we speak. Yesterday we learnt a shitty lesson don't let the baby sleep on the sofa any more. I think you can figure out why that might be. SUCKED ass! I didn't even think about him ever falling off. Lesson learnt and now the play pen is set up for sleeping.

What else trying to clean up and get things in order I think I might plant some flowers over the weekend for the deck. Also we are going to see the little man;s first fire works :) on Canada Day! Wooh I think we might try to check out some activities. Fun!

Any way I should run the little man is ready to come out of the play pen and have some fun.

Whats New

Well not a whole lot is new really we've been travelling a lot and trying to clean up around the house cause my little man is starting to want to be on the move more. Its almost crawler ready but there are still some things we need before he gets more on the move like a big gate. Correction two big gates would be great one 7foot and on 80 inch. Do you think I will find that? haha not so lucky yet still looking might just have to make shift something.

I'm pretty cranky today but I'm so sore and stiff and just want to sleep and wake up feeling refreshed for once and I have a feeling thats not going to happen for a long long time. The little man is doing pretty great, he is still teething and waiting for teeth I hope they come soon so he can be a bit more comfortable. He likes to sleep on his tummy at night but then he wakes up and doesn't want to be on his tummy and gets upset but doesn't turn, so after about 15 mins of crying someone gets up turns him and back to bed it is. Its so exhausting! I wish he could just get back on track with sleep!

Hmm My dog is on a week stay with one of my friends and I think they might want to keep her which is kind of sad for me cause I would miss her but I think it would be a better living arrangement for her right now. We just can't give her the love she needs. But we will see we are going shopping on Friday and going to talk about how things went. I knew as soon as they took her for a few nights they would love her and want to keep her.

Well any way I should get going before my little lovely one gets up. He is so sleepy today, but he missed one of his naps so that might explan that. Any who thats it for now.

So sleepy

Well I am tired what a long trip, I am so glad to be home! My eye is all better and feel like I'm getting back on track now I just need to come to grips with the whole flying thing at the end of the coming week BARF. Not looking forward to that but it will be nice to see what the town is like. Who knows we might end up living there. Well that is if we don't end up spliting up. Thats a whole other story, I'm kind of at the end of my rope and I am done trying to make it work I would rather bring up my little man alone then be unhappy all the time and not feel loved. I'm not feeling loved at all right now I feel lonely and alone. Thankfully I have a wonderful little man that is my world!

Lord its going to be a hard few months! I can feel it. Any who my little man is amazing he is trying to crawl he can roll and roll and roll for miles and he can move around the house a little he likes to push himself but is trying to get up and move it will be no time before he is on the go and we are in real trouble! lol He is so amazing, its so great watching him grow and learn. woop.

Any way I should get going so I can get ready to go shopping.

ROAR

So last night The Man went to try and move the little man to his crib, way away from his body and the little man started moving and waking up and freaking out and instead of listening to me saying move him close to your body and cradle him he gives him back to me. Not nicely not nice just like here take the kid and in the process the little mans arm swings fast towards my face and his little finger goes right into my eye and moves across it so fast that I didn't know what happened right away. Then it starts to hurt, like you have no idea the pain an eye can give it just f'ing hurts but I think ok its just irritated you are fine cry it out and go to bed.

Well so much for that idea after tossing and turning for 2 hours because it hurts so much I call the health line and the nurse says you need to get to the hospital right away, I will call an ambulance to get you and I say no no I can get there. So I drive myself to the hospital not seeing so great but I get there in one piece. They numb my eye and tell me that I have a surface scratch across the bottom of my cornea. Awesome! So I get antibiotics and a wonderful needle for tetanus, F*** Awesome! Most shity thing he can`t give me any of the magic numbing stuff because it slows heal time, so I`m in pain, big pain most all day. My eye hurts and waters and then hurts more because the watering stings. I am so mad at the Man like I know he didn`t mean to get the little mans hand in my eye but have some care for your kid and the mother of your child. Don`t be so ruff and so bitchy about him almost waking up. Be kind and slow with him he is little. GOD I'm so pissed this hurts so much and to top it off I'm suppose to be driving to see his parents tomorrow. Its about a 7 hour drive if you don't stop for long. With a fucked up eye and poor vision that will only take longer. If I even go now because I'm not sure I should drive like this. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK STUPID! ERR

Thats all

6 month shots

Well today is my little mans 6 month shots and last time he was so NOT a happy camper after for the rest of the day. So last night he had a melt down we are not sure what happened but as soon as we went up to the bed room he was a happy camper again. Crazy. I'm sure today will not be much better poor little guy. Also my last post was about this crazy end of the world thing which I later found out was just a judgement day and for the next 5 months we will be tormented and then in October the world will end. Information which for some reason they left out because everyone understanding was that the end was coming. Well I guess they needed to change the story when nothing happened!

What else we are off to the in laws in two sleeps. I have a bunch of packing to do and need to do a few things to the car. Change the one of the lights check the oil and antifreeze and gas up at some point... then I think we are ready to go well and pack the car. Blah fun times. hmm what else? Not to much really I'm totally looking forward to shopping in the states in a few days! WOOH Thats it for now, till next time.

The End

So some crazy people say tonight is our last night on this earth and alive. You know the funny thing is I have not heard about this until just yesterday, I'm not sure how they kept it under wraps for some long. Like we all know about the coming 2012 that one has be talked about forever but this one is totally new to me. So the thing I kind of wonder if people in other countries get the end of the world message. Like Africa do you think they talk about it there? Or better yet in Italy, I kind of want to go away for the 2012 thing and just see what other people in some other country say. Just cause I think its kind of an American free monger thing. They just want to make people fear so that they can control the masses a little more.

Any way that said my little man is 6 months old he can sit he can roll back to tummy but not tummy to back yet boo! He blows his lips and now just started to stick his tongue out at the same time, totally cute. We are going to see his grandparents in wow 4 days! crazy I thought it was farther away, wow I have a lot to do before we have to go, lord! Any way I can start all that tomorrow. Any way I should run things to do.

I love spring and the on set of Summer

I forget how much I like to be outside in the winter and then its +20 for the last three days and it reminds me about enjoying the sun and loving going out. We have walked the past two days because I love to be out I wish we had a better deck or a yard that we could get out in and enjoy. Right now its the perfect time because there are few bugs and I hate bugs gross. Important but gross, speaking of important I kind of wonder where all the bugs... hmm odd.

My little man is doing well he is learning lots and growing up more and more. I am enjoying every moment I have with him I love watching him grow and learn I can't wait until he can talk and tell me all the wonderful things in his mind :) So exciting!!

He is now eating three meals a day, well our first day trying any way. Seems to have gone well today but he was not very hungry at dinner but I think thats to be expected. Plus he hates the lumpy texture. Any way little man needs me so go to run.

Crazy

So my little man went to check out a new doctor today which went alright but we also found out that he lost almost 4 lbs, in a week and a half! My poor sicky he was so ill he didn't eat well and well now we know that he lost a ton for someone his size. He also grew a bunch about an inch and a half! Nuts I thought he was getting skinner but I didn't think he had grown that much in high he is in the 97% for height and down to the 85% for weight which is a giant change for weight because he was in the 96% before, thats crazy!

He is still a little sick with a cough but other wise he is eating a lot better and hanging out having fun. We are looking forward to going west to spend some time with the grandparents! They are so excited for him to come they can't wait to introduce him to all there friends! So awesome, they are really great! Today was my first mothers day and I must say I was a little cranky all day due to that I have not been sleeping all that great lately but it was still great I always dreamed about being a mommy to someone and I'm a mommy to someone super special now. I never knew you could love someone so much, he just captures my heart every day and I love him more then anything. I'm the proudest momma ever!

He rolled back finally, but didn't really pay attention and now has forgotten again how to roll back onto his back. Silly boy! I hope he figures it out soon! Its raining here sometimes I miss the rain because we don't get a whole lot. Any way my little man has gotten on his tummy I'm going to go and try to get him to roll back on his own. Till next time.

Update

well I thought I would change up my blog a bit to give it a bit of a new zing. Whats new? Well my little man still has a cough and isn't feeling all that peachy yet but he is getting better. We are going to the grandparents at the end of the month and they are looking forward to the visit. We are also going to be going into the states, which I am pretty excited about!

My little man will be 6 months on the 19th can you believe it half a year has pasted already and I am closer to having to leave him with someone else, something I am not looking forward to! Any way I'm totally getting sleepy... tomorrow we will go for a walk try and get my hip feeling better. Its been bugging me big time the last few days. I need to find a pool noodle as well tomorrow.

Ahhh I should really get to bed or at lest go check on my little man make sure he is ok, he has been trying to roll over in his sleep and since he is just learning how to roll back it concerns me a little. Any way night night all

Rock your Right to vote!

So tomorrow we in Canada go to the polls to vote who will run our country, and although Mr.Harper has been doing an alright job or what you see is alright he was tossed for a reason. A few of which where some of the lovely new parts of laws he was trying to pass in the federal budget. For example changing the law for people who have to pass environment regulations making it so not ever business would have to have their equipment checked to pass. Only certain things and companies and you would have to have ever piece checked but only part. Well great we are doing a bang up job at killing our planet why not omit companies from passing laws. Thanks Mr Harper for that.

I'm sure you have all heard that the USA super villain is dead, Osama bin laden and that people are rejoicing in the streets. woo I think this was a smart movie by Obama to get another term in house. But who knows. I think its funny how so many people think this person was so evil but over 66 years ago a really bad man died. A man who single handed almost took the world... Hitler. I thought it was may 1 but I was wrong it was April 30 so close any way I think its crazy that people forget what a real bad person is and what they are able to do. Just my opinion.

Any way I have a very upset little man I think he has reflux... that would explain why I had a happy baby and now have an angry little person in the evenings he is just so up set. So what leads me to believe it is reflux is that he was trying to spit up all night it seems like thats all he wanted to do was just spit up and then he started arching his back like crazy so I googled this and it said reflux and then describe other things that might be going on with it and well he gets a check mark by everything. My poor little man I think it might be the rice cereal doing so we are going to cut out that and see if it makes an improvement, we are also going to have plan yogurt twice a day and see if we can get this better fast cause he is so unhappy it is not even funny.

Any way I'm totally exhausted so I need to hit the hay. Night world.

Road to Recovery

Well everyone in my house is starting to feel better which is great the little man is having a nap right now and is breathing through his nose!! Woop I feel better and the Man feels better. So scary news the Man finds out tomorrow if he is going to be laid off for how long who knows but that will kind suck for him. As well as for us cause of all the whole money tight thing. The little man is trying to sit on his own its pretty cute he gets up right and is all proud of himself then tips over and gets this confused look on his face too cute :)

I applied for a job yesterday it would be a great job and I would really like it a lot it kind of combines my world of policy and procedures and social work which I think would be ideal I would still work on implementing change and get to counsellor again! There is another one that I am really interested in and might apply for today. I`m not ready at all to go back to work because I love spending time with my little man but these kinds of jobs do not come up often and some time at all so I am going to risk it and see what happens. I miss work alot some times but I would miss the little man more! We will see. I might start looking to build a home business with little ones and music therapy. Something I love a lot and it seems to be something people really enjoy doing. Plus I could charge a fraction of the cost that some of the other places do and give them better services. But we will see.

What else, well the weather is suppose to go from sunny and lovely to rain and possible snow! LORD I say no more snow its almost May. I got my passport application in woop! I should be on my way out of the country in a month! I have a few sight seeing things I would like to do. Any way the little man is being super needy right now so I should go.

Gah!

So I am still totally sick only now I can't breath and I have the hack of a cough which feels like my lungs are going to come out with it. You this is the first time I've been sick since being with child and it sucks! Also its the first time I have had a cough like this and not been a smoker. I remember when I smoked I would get this wicked cough that felt like I was going to die from it and it was just gross but that was because I was a smoker. This cough well it is a little like that only it hurts way more. I don't remember what coughs where like before I smoked it was so long ago but I don't recall them like this. Lord! I sound like I smoke, gross.

Which buy the way lets write about I have been a non smoker for over a year now! Go me go! I must say there are times where I still get cravings how crazy is that? But then I smell someone who is a smoker and I remember all the money I wasted and I think now that would be stupid to start again. Plus I have a family that I need to be here for. Its bad enough that I might have cervical cancer I don't need anything else thank you (we will get the cancer part in a moment). I smoked for 11 years! Lord what a long time to damage your body! Things I miss: controlling my craving for food, weight loss, the social factor but thats going out of style, being ID'ed now I know thats silly but I don't really drink so I don't really get ID'ed any more. I think thats about it though.

okay the big C word... so about two years ago I was told I had an abnormal pap, ok what does that mean? Well it means its not normal and rather then waiting a year to have one you have to do it in 6 months. Okay why? no one can really tell you, it could mean a lot of things... great so 6 months later I get one and the doctor fails to call and tell me its abnormal again and 3 months later I am with child so they leave it alone and say after the baby comes we will do it again. So at my 6 week check up I ask to have it done they recommend waiting... ok why well because it might read wrong so wait another month then guess what abnormal again so they set me up with an appointment for a Colposcopy which is not until JULY. bah fun times so I might have cancer and it might be getting worse and they could do something about but not until July. Thanks medical system you can kiss my ass, that said July is closer now then it was when they told me about the appointment. Any way that is that and I hope that it is just something small not the big C I really would like to have another baby some day.

What else well I'm still sick haha I really would like to feel better. I think my whole family would like to feel better as we are all sick boo! Any way thats all for now I'm going to try and rest before they all get up!

Our First cold

Well my little man is 5 months old and my whole house is sick. It started with me feeling the worst and slowly lead to him getting sicker and sicker. Last night was just bad he was to hot and coughing and so sick it was just not any fun at all plus with me feeling sick it makes it ten times worse cause I need to rest and feel better but I can't unless he is. He is sleeping now which is good cause he needs all the rest he can get right now to feel better. I hope this doesn't last to long.

I wish I could breath, this sucks. I hate being sick. It sounds like he can breath a bit better. That's good! Any way I'm going to go and try and eat well he is down.

I need a vacation!

So I am just really done and totally need a break. Between the baby and the Man I think i just am about ready to go nuts! I'm applying for a passport and I think I'm going to try and save some funds to go over seas for a few days. There are a few things I want to see. I'm working on getting mine first and then will get the little mans so that we can go somewhere together as well.

My back is still bad, its been really bad in the last few nights. So I did some research and this is really common for women who had an epidural during labour. You can have back pain and muscle spasms for month or years after it depends on the person. Awesome. So it looks like I have to live with this for a while. Its exhausting! Yet another reason I would like to have a vacation so I can rest like really rest.

Hmm what else? The Mans parents where here for a day and a half and spoiled the little man! They are so great to him. Sometimes tho I wish they wouldn't move my stuff. Like this is not your house please don't mess with my stuff. That really upsets me! But I'm back to normal life now which is nice. We got a red wagon for the little man we don't have the place to store it so they took it with them back home. Any way the boys are napping and I think I need to lay down. Will up date soon!

Night time tears

So I had this bed time thing down to a great regular thing he would go in his crib and fuss just a little but then fall a sleep. So I think in my side switch that the Man must have been giving him the soother because tonight he is freaken out. As we speak he is so mad crying like crazy, he hasn`t done this in a month and all the sudden he is crying. I think the Man must have been giving him something because this is the worst it has been in a while. I do not want to let him think this is ok so I am trying very hard to let him cry. But I can hear him from here freaking out. This sucks! He is a super cry baby lately every time I leave the room right now he freaks. Sucks!
ok totally freak out got to go check on him.

Gosh that was bad he was so upset that his body was so hot it was wet. I have only ever had that twice before, first time he was in the car and so hungry he was freaking out and all I could do was drive to get home to feed him. Second was on the way home, he wasn`t that bad but it was close. That is the worse so I did the one thing you are no suppose to do, I picked him up and rocked him to sleep. I snuggled him and kissed him and told him it was ok. If it wasn`t as bad I wouldn`t have done that but this was totally bad he was having a melt down!

Any way today with the little girl was good, she didn`t really freak out at all. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a whole different story but we will see. Here is hoping it goes as well as it did today. There where a few things that totally concerned me and if that doesn`t improve over time it is to much of a risk factor for my son. Like she doesn`t really get that she could hurt him or that he is so small and just wants to see who she is. She almost hit him, that would have been bad cause I more then likely would have told her mom that it wasn`t going to work out. She also does get that he needs play space too and thinks things are funny and a joke. Like he was on his play mat and she just walked up almost over him and just wasn`t regarding him at all. That scared me. So we will see how tomorrow goes, I think with time it would get better but I`m not sure I want to put him in that situation. We will see.

What else? Well the in-laws will be here on Sunday. Woop! That means mommy gets a break! Thank the kind lord! I have been going a bit nutty lately and feeling like I need a vacation so this will be a good break. I need to go get my pastport photo at some point on Saturday. I want to go to the states with the Mans mom in June. I think my little man and I will go out there, cause his dad is planning on going across Canada. I totally encourage this but I think he could have better timing! Like oh I don't know before he had a kid? I really hate sometimes how his life hasn't really changed at all he still does whatever he wants, thinks for himself and seems to forget he has a family now but whatever I guess. I just want a hand well he is gone. Maybe my sister could come here HINT HINT.

I was looking for work for the Man in the east today. I was thinking about it and I'm not so sure any more why I'm so sent on going back west. Really my parents could give two shits about me or my life and I hardly see my sister and I never see my brother so why go west? Why not embark on a new journey in life? Why not? I couldn't really find anything but I think I'm going to talk to him about. I love the east, its so beautiful there and the Ocean and the people and I think it would be great. Plus I think his parents would like to go back and maybe retire there and I want them to be close to the little man, they are so good to him I want to make sure they are in his life as much as possible!

Any way I should get going its getting late. Not that I think I will be able to sleep but I might as well try. Night all.

Well it was a little better

So last night I slept on my old bed which had been sitting out on our deck for the last 7 months. I didn't wake up at 2 am, or 3 or even 4 I slept through the night! I'm up way to early but I'm not really all that sleepy right now for some reason maybe its because its the first time in WEEKS that I have slept from 10pm until 6am. Freaken awesome. The bad news my back totally woke me up at 6 and I had to really pee lol but I think my back was part of it. The great news I feel refreshed! Amazing, although I am beginning to get a bit sleepy again just now. Maybe I'll have a nap on the sofa.

It snowed here. Like really snowed 15cm, its April 14, Snow? Blah! Today I have a little girl coming over to hang out with us her mom is having a hard time finding child care so I thought why not give it a try. And she will be here at 12 until 3:15 she is at the don't leave me stage which is never fun and I'm not totally happy about the amount of crying that might happen but we will get through it and I have a feeling Friday will be worse because she will be awake for a lot of it! lol but I have TV and all kinds of things we can do maybe if Nicholas goes to sleep we will make cookies. We will see. I am a little scared to see what life will be like with a toddler and a baby but bring it on!

Any way I'm going to try and sleep another hour I think.

Alomst 3 am

You know I thought when I had a baby that the only reason I would wake up in the middle of the night was because someone was hungry well I have been mistaken. For the past oh lets see maybe 3 or 4 weeks I have gotten up consistantly at 2am, why because of my body in pain. Not because of my little man he sleeps oh 10 hours on average a night. So tonight I have had the most stupid time sleeping first the Man snored and snored and I tossed and turned, then my neck started hurting, then my back and my ribs so now I'm totally awake at 3am and can't freaken sleep. Wonderful. SUCKS why because I have a lovely sleeping little man well that means he is awake most of the day and even tho the Man has the day off tomorrow I still take care of the little man the most. So I have to do it on little sleep and the sleep that I did get Sucked balls!

On a high note we went swimming again which he loved again, then when the Man got off work we went to the park for another swing, oh he had his first swing (loved it, laughed like crazy the whole time). The dog got to come with us and go for a run, I'm sure she was pretty happy. Tomorrow I'm meeting a friend in the park to go for a walk, not a long one cause I'm pretty bent out of shape but a walk, then to mommy and me and then I am going to work on my demo of the bathroom tiles and then chiro woop fun times had by all.

Thats right I decided that I hated our bathroom counter top and tiles so I talked to the Man asked him a number of times if he was ok with me taking it out and replacing it. Totally an easy job, unless you have a little person that requires all your attention then much harder! So I've almost got all the tiles out, but my biggest problem, ok there are two, my two biggest problems. One the jackass who owned this place was NOT handy and all and he instulled the present fixtures so they where put on piss poor which is distoring the drywall so not only do I have to demo now but I have to retouch the drywall and hope that it takes, run times. Problem two we don't have a new countertop yet, I think we should just pick on up at home depot or whatever and the Man thinks we should order one custom. There is a 100 - 150 dollar diferance in ordering one custom and it will take 3 weeks to get here. I would like to finish this job before his parents get here (This sunday). Which will not happen if we do that. But is totally possible if I take tomorrow to finish the demo, fix the drywall and then on Wend instull the new top and put nice pretty new tile back on the wall. Totally doable. But in the land that my lovely Man lives in things take for fucking ever! So I think I'm going to make him come pick out on at home depot so I can finsh the job and have a totally functional bathroom agian.

Any way I think I might be getting sleepy so I'm going to try to sleep on the sofa. Wish me luck, god I hate how shitty my body feels!

Its Alive!!!!!!

So I posted a while back about my poor Bula kicking the bucket well it turns out that my lovely Man just hit something he shouldn't have. I decided to download a owners manual just because I was wondering what the problem might be because she was running fine the other week.

So quick back story... the car died just after they were working on replacing the lights in the back of the car.

So I'm reading the manual and for some reason am about to give up when I come across this thing about a switch for the fuel pump, which is located in the trunk right by the lights that they fixed... hmmm gets me thinking what if they hit this and it turned the pump off. So this morning I go to look at it, push the button and try to start the car, and guess what? It starts!!! HAHAHAHAH

I come in and say "I fixed the car, you turned the fuel pump off" and he was all like yeah right so I showed him the thing I read and then then said go start it. But he said he believed me. I knew Bula was to strong to give up just like that. Wooop to a working car! We are still going to try and find a new car for the family but it isn't such a rush!

First food

So my little man totally slowed down on his eating for the last three weeks he was eating about 5 bottles a day which I thought was great but over the past four days he has been eating more and more again and yesterday 8 bottles. Which in my thought was way to much for a 4 and a half month old! So The Nurse at the health center said as long as he was happy with the 5 bottles and still sleeping his normal amount at night (which by the way is 10 hours a night with out waking up) that he is fine. So When he sky rocked in his bottles it made me think, plus he has been super interested in food with us he always watches us eat and opens his month and stuff so I thought ok he is trying to tell me something. I`m ready!

So I made 5 table spoons of rice cereal and I think he ate almost 3/4 of the amount and 50ml of milk, which I think is pretty good. If for some reason he is hungry again in like an hour I might wonder what the hell is wrong with him but if he goes for a bit that will be the answer he was totally ready for food. So I have no idea what I am doing really when it comes to food but we will do the cereal for three days and see how his little body handles it and then I was thinking of letting him try some home made baby food. Chicken, and then some veggies :) I'm excited for him! I think he will really like this! He did so great with eating at first he was like what the heck are you putting in my month... but then as soon as he got it, it was like he had always been eating. Just like the rolling thing once he got it twice now he does it all the time and loves that he can move.

My baby is growing up :) By the way have I told you lately how much I love him! You never really get it until you have one but it is a whole other world with him and he is the love of my life, he is just so sweet and cute and thinks I`m the funnest person ever (which is great) and I just love him so much. I am so excited to watch him learn and grow and become the amazing little person I know he will be. So great. I think I would have a whole team of children if I could just because I think this is one of the most rewarding parts of my life! Thank you to the Man for helping me make such a wonderful little man best thing ever!

OOOOO I have a rolling baby

So he did it backwards but that doesn't matter he did it! He rolled from front to back!!! today three time. Woop my little learner. I'm such a proud mother!

April 2nd and SNOW

Okay so I'm not sure who ordered the weather but man this has been the longest winter ever! The little man is sleeping and I could use a nap as well because I am not sleeping well these days. My body is just in so much pain most of the time that I just toss and turn all the time and can't seem to sleep through the night.

The Man's mom will be here tomorrow she was meant to go on a flight today but it was cancelled and will be in tomorrow for a night, have some time with the grandbaby and the off the following day. But then in 2 weeks they will be back to spend some more time with the little man.

We are starting some more classes this coming week on Tuesday I hope this time we get to finish them and I can meet some new people with little lovely ones also. But who knows if I will have a car in time. The man wants to hold off for a little while on buying something... but we are going to look at a suv I saw the other day and totally fell in love with! I have to call them and see if we can go look at it again today although with all the snow I don't really want to drive all the way out there.

Any way the little man is just waking up so I should get going.

Bula bites the dust

So the other day my beloved Bula would not start once twice six times later still not turning over. So we are on the market for a new vehicle today I might for look at an older Jimmy that is a lovely colour. We will see hopefully we can find something nice looking that will last a little while. We looked at a jeep the other day and it was just not what we needed a little to old and a little to beat up. What else... my little man is 21 lbs even and almost 28 inc. He is teething like crazy, has an infected toe (just found today) and is sleeping right now. I gave him some pain stuff cause his little foot is really hurting him he cried and cried and screamed and cried and after the pain stuff kicked in he was his wonderful happy little self and then got sleepy. His Grandparents should be visiting again here in 2 weeks or so. His grandpa was just here for a day and played with him a lot. Super great!

What else? The Man and I have been having some hard times but I think we are learning to work together better and better its just a lot of transitions in such a short time. Can be a bit much to handle some times. He is going to apply for a job closer to my home town which would be so nice to be close to my sister!!! But it would be so far for his grandparents, sucky. But it would be a good job for the Man to get some great expereince and a pretty nice wage to!

We were going to go swimming again today but I think with his toe the way it is it might be best to wait on that maybe Saturday we will go early. Any wau I should get some house work done well the little man sleeps.

Swiming

So my little man went in the pool for the first time today and he loved it he was kicking his legs and he learnt to float and was rolling all over the place front to back, back to front it was great. He was talking up a storm and laughing and I think he loved it. What fun! But as we speak from a busy day he is totally crashed out deep! He is so sleepy, he woke up early ate and then we were off to the pool then came home ate and off shopping and just came home again and he is done! Me to I had a bad sleep and could us a nap. We will see. The Mans Dad will arrive on Thursday to hang out with Nicholas for a few days then he is off to the East to help his mom out after the death of his step dad. Then the Mans mom comes here on the 4th to meet up with his dad and hand out with the baby for a little bit. They love him so much! I kinda would like to move closer to them so they can spend more time with him they are so great to him!

My mother called the other day and said they might come in April to see us. We will see... it would be nice to have them spend some time with the little man. Any who I should run and have a little nap before he wakes up.

My brave little man

So today my little man got his shots and it went ok he cried a bit and then things got better and he was ok, or so we thought. We went over to our friends house tonight to visit and someone picked him up and he FREAKED out! Like freaked out screaming crying inconsolable, it was so bad he was so red and just man at the world. I gave him a little baby pain meds and about 20 mins later he was ok but still really not so happy. He is a bit better now but still super touchy and really just wants what he wants. I want to keep on the right path for bed time which is letting him fall asleep by himself but I have a feeling that will not go well tonight.

So he is 20lbs 10oz and 27 inch tall. They say he is a bit heavy for his height but not to much to make them concerned because he has been really consistent in his weight gain. So thats good. We are almost totally ready for our first swim but the swim shorts I got him were to small then I got another pair that I thought only looked a little bit bigger, well I was wrong and they are BIG so I have to take them back again and try one more time. Blah

Any way it is story time and then off to dream world for my little man so I should get going.

Four Months old

Well my little man is four months old and growing up faster and faster. I have been holding off on getting him in his own room for a long time. His room was all ready for a while but I have not been and honestly I don't think I'm ready yet but I want to try so he is in his bed for the first time. I think he is sleeping but I'm not 100% sure. I keep hearing little sounds, but I'm trying to stop the want to go see if he is ok cause thats just going to give him bad behaviour. Oh yes he is awake I hear a cry ... giving him 10 mins and if he is still having a hard time I'll go get him.

So tomorrow is shots day, woop, and his daddy is going to be with us this time. I keep telling him that he better be ready for a crying baby but he thinks it will be fine. haha wait I hope it is fine but last time it sure was not! He cried so hard it was totally sucky. I also plan to take him for his first swim this week as long as the nurse says its ok. He has swim undies, swim shorts and a floating thing so he can swim with mom. We will more the likely only go for a fast little swim maybe 20 mins if he can handle that but I think we will have fun :) I will post about that once we have gone. Oh and he totally stopped crying but I think he is having to much fun in his bed because he has a mobile to look at and I can hear him "talking" to it.

What else... hmm not to much really The Mans parents will be here this Thursday or Friday not on to happy of terms the Mans step grandfather passed away this morning and his mom is driving his dad in to fly back to help family out. I'm not sure if he was close to him at all he hasn't really talked about it. Maybe I will ask how he is taking it tonight.

Any who I'm a bit sleepy so I think I'm going to go check on the little man and call it a night.

Teething

LORD so my little man is teething and has been so loud all day crying and talking and screaming and man I'm exhausted from it! The Man took him up to our room to give me a break cause he is just to much today! So I started my therapy yesterday for deer hitting my car and felt pretty good after but today I hurt so much, I go back tomorrow for two treatments! I think I will hurt a bit more after that but I know I'm on the road to feeling better soon!

We got our little man a new car seat the other day which now I have to figure out how to use it. We also got him a wonderful play mat with all kinds of toys on it and a mirror for an excellent price! Now I'm on the market for a high chair because I think we might be able to start on soft foods soon. woop! I'm also trying to find a swim aid for our little man cause I would like to take him on his first swim :)

Any way I should go cause I need a shower well daddy has our little teething monster :P

What an excellent little man I have

He has fallen asleep with out any help now seven times!!! He is so good it is not even funny, I am the luckiest mommy ever. I am blessed with the best little man ever and I am more in love with him ever day. Last night we read our story and after a little bit of playing and talking he fell right to sleep as soon as I put him in his bed. So the sad part is that he is still in our room but I'm the one who is not ready for him to go. Plus he has a fussy moment every night where he needs some help staying asleep. So until thats totally fixed I think that its best to have him so close. Plus I'm going to miss him once he is moved.

I'm hoping to go home to see my family soon so they can meet the best little man ever. Well next to the best two little men who are I'm sure excited to meet there cousin. Any way well he is sleeping I have a few more things I would like to do. I just really wanted to tell everyone about my amazing little miracle :)

my little man

So my little man is getting so big he is 19lbs 7oz but I think he is slowing down because that is a half pound gain in two weeks before he would have gained way more but I think he is totally slowing down now. He is so awesome it is not even funny! I love him so much and I think next week we are going to do a big trip home I think maybe wend or thursday we will leave for the weekend.

what else well my car got hit by a deer and totally fucked it up but it is almost totally fixed the windsheld is totally fixed now I just need to get a new side mirror and we will be good to go :) It is not pretty but it works and will get us around safely until we can afford a new car. Thanks to my understanding Man it has been a hard two week but it will be ok some times I get a little worked up and things have been super hard on us but we can get through this I'm sure.

Any way I'm going to get going and play with the little man who is just getting up :)

CRAP

yesterday I got an unexpected bill from our wonderful tax man. I guess I missed a T4 but I don't recall working for place that sent it to them. I have no idea how I'm going to afford it with all the other things I have to pay for its just to much. I was so excited to be able to put a large amount on my student loan next month and now that is just not going to happen. What a bitch! Life totally sucks some times. I also really want to go home and see my family and now I'm not going to be able to afford to for a long time. SUCKS

I think I'm also getting a cold which sucks cause my last mommy and me class is today and I totally don't want to go. So I think I might go for just a litttle bit to give my email out to some of the people and then come home. Any way I have to go the little man needs me

Tried!

Today the Mans parents are coming to visit the little man. Whenever they come we get ride of more stuff which totally makes me happy. This time I am planning on getting ride of all of my VHS tapes. I spent years building on this collection but I never watch them any more since I have movie central and they are heavy and take up so much space so I have decided it is time for them to go plus I'm going to donate them so that makes it even better. I'm also getting ride of a coffee table that my brother gave me years ago... why because it takes up lots of space and I need room for the little man to move around in here, we are also getting ride of the sofa bed woop! There will be so much space in here. The Man is planning on going snow boarding tomorrow so I'm going to hang two shelves with his dad (he doesn't know this lol) cause I have a bunch of little collectible stuff that needs to go up higher so baby dosen't get it in his mouth. We are also going to install a new light fixture, which I bought like MONTHS ago and have been wanting it put up forever. This trip they will do it.

Then I just have to move around the living room and we will be good to go for crawling and walking :) Plus it will be more stream lined in here. I just havn't figured out a few small details yet about the move around. Like I kinda hate where the tv is going to go but there are only two options one makes the room balanced and is in its current location, not so good for crawling because I cut off half the room with a sofa. The other makes it unbalanced but extends the carpet space for little man to move around on.

Oh well I will see what I can do. The little man finally fell back asleep so I think I will head off to try and tidy up a big more before the mans rents get here.

ugh!

So the last little while has been a challenge on me and my family we have been through some big changes and I think it might be getting the better of us. I just want to feel like this is going to be ok and I'm not sure when that will happen. I'm mentally and physically just done. I can manage to take care of the little man but I just feel like I don't have anything left and everything is just putting me to a breaking point. I wish things were better. I wish I felt better. I wish things were easier. As you of you couldn't tell but I'm feeling a little bit down tonight. I know things are always hard with everything but I recall a time when things where so much easier.

What else? My little man is amazing and I love him so much he makes me smile all the time. He is so tried today I think he might be growing. Oh and he is 18lbs 10oz and yes I think he is growing more. He isn't even 3 months yet and he is so big. He is the biggest one in the class.

I can't wait to move the house around wear the sofa is it is super cold and I think it will be better once I move it around. Any way I really just needed to vent and get that out of my system. THe little man is having a sleep and I think I might make a tea. Thats all for tonight.

Sleepy

This morning I was suppose to take my little man to the doctor cause he has some funky smell coming from his ear. So they call this morning and say the appointment will not work and want to book it for later with this A-whole at the clinic I decline and ask for someone else...not until Monday!!!! Monday are you kidding me? Freaken hell! So I am on hold with another clinic right now hoping for an appointment today but not sure if it will happen. He is also coughing a lot which makes me wonder.

Oh I also missed my work out because of the time the appointment was booked for, what a piss off! Hmm what else. I finally got the extra side table out of the little mans room! WOOh now I just need the Mans parents to come and take all the extra clothing away and we will be set! They come this Sunday, so soon. I've been working on cleaning up a bit for them. I'm hoping to get a sofa out of the house when they come. It is big and takes up so much space. Then I want to move the living room around so that it is baby ready for movement right now the little man has a whole 6 foot by 6 foot space for that and I think it needs to increase plus his swing sits in the middle of the living room right now and I hate that!

We are having a play date tomorrow with an old coworker, fun. She has an 18 month old girl. It will be nice to see a little one who is a bit older to kinda know what I need to put away in here before we have a accident. Any way I should get going and wake my little man up soon cause he has another appointment later.

Sad

So today I think I made the realization that my little fur baby needs to go. I love her so much she is my first baby but she is getting no attention and I have a really hard time taking car of her with the baby. I know that things will get better in time and allow me more time for her but that is a long ways away. So I have to give her up.

Maybe my sisters friend here wants a sweet little dog :) Then at lest I would know who she is going to and that it is a good person. Okay but really miss roxy has a few issues she gets sick often. Its not because there is anything wrong with her I have gone to the vet and they say nothing is wrong and she is totally healthy just maybe that its and allergy. But she has been on 12 different kinds of food and each one she still gets sick. She needs someone who has the time to really get to the bottom of the problem. Also this is no quality of life some times she wants to play but I can't play with her because of my little man and him needing attention.

It totally pains me to do this but she needs a new home. So sad. I'm not just going to give her to anyone I'm really going to look for the right fit. Plus I have yet to tell the man that I have made this conclusion. Any way I'm going to go and try and clean up a bit well my little man is sleeping. Oh by the way the little man is doing great! I think he might have a bit of a cold because he is coughing a lot and sleeping alot but I'm keeping my eye on him and making sure he is ok. He is almost 18 pounds and not even 3 months yet. Big little man. Any way really this time I need to get going.

ouch ouch OUCH

So my arms feel like jello talk about not getting back into slow or what these ladies kick your ass like there is no tomorrow! I decided that I need to work out because of a few reasons they are as follows:

1) it is getting hard to lift my son his chair it is so heavy and I have zone upper body strength!
2) I hate going to the mall and not finding anything I like in my size
3) I hate the way I look in the clothing I do have
4) Most importantly I want to be able to play with my son, I want to be able to run, jump, skip and play with my son.

So the goal is not weight loss but it is an added benefit of working out, the goal is endurance and cardio strength so I can do all the things I want to do with my little guy. I'm also looking at joining a mommy and baby work out class but I think that will be in March. I need to get me on track and make it part of my world before I involve my little guy.

Today we are going to go shopping with a friend this afternoon also :) What fun! I'm totally not sure what we need or even what I can get but I think fruit is on the menu and maybe some meat. Course baby stuff is always a good call too :) God my arms hurt did I mention that. Man like they burn. LORD

Any way I think my men will be coming down soon one is in the shower and the other is still sleeping. Time to get ready for them.

Toy Box and Sushi

The toy box has been finished!!! It looks great and I am totally happy with it. I also made sushi for the first time ever and I must day it turned out amazing!


The finished product complete with soft top for a cousion seat. :)

Box open


Sushi :) YUM!
And that is really all I have to say for the night I just wanted to update and show off my stuff.

Just tired

Well it is late and for some reason I don't really feel like sleeping but I am tired. My little man is down for the night, well at lest 6 hours and the Man wont be home for another hour. I was going to make a pillow for the little man's new toy box but I'm not sure if I want to make it the way I was going to I think it might not work well so now I need to think about it a little bit. You see I am making something like a body pillow to go on the wall because I couldn't make a bench. So the pillow will act as a pho bench piece. I thought it was rather smart but now I am stuck on one part.

I was thinking of using a thick foam piece and then some soft pillow stuffing but I think if I put the soft stuffing in front of the thick foam that eventually the soft foam will all go to one side for the pillow and it will look silly... need to think a bit more about this one and if I just want to make a cylinder pillow that is all soft, I think that might work better. The toy box is almost totally done I just need to buy the hings and then put the top on and it will be finished. How exciting!!! Then I can get the ugly white bin out of my living room and have a love little toy box. :) Not that he is interested in toys at all but at lest I wont have to look at the ugly bin any more :)

I will post a picture of the finished product once its done. What else, well it was lovely and warm for the past few days and we got out and went for walks and enjoyed the sun and it was great but winter has decided to give us what for again and it is presently snowing and -5 going to be -18 by morning, boo! Then for the next few days cold cold cold again, it sucks cause then we get stuck inside. Oh and we have a snow fall warning now, fun times! Oh well at lest its not New York or Boston I feel so bad for them 19 inches in NY and 30 inches in B town... Freaken 30 inches thats nuts, that is way to much snow in 24 hours! poor people.

Any way I should get going.... good night

Update time

Well the man didn't end up going back out of town he told the people that it was to much with a new baby. I wish he would have just taken then job and trusted that it would all work out because I think he really wanted the opportunity but he didn't and he asked them if he could start in a month or so once the little man is more into a schedule and it is easier to get him sleeping and stuff at night. But I think its going to take a bit more then a month. Its been two months to get him to sleep at 11pm for 6 hours. So now what? Well I think he is mad at me because I'm the one who couldn't handle taking care of the little man. It seems like all we do is get mad at each other these days, its so hard with all the changes I think its just so much.

Now he is starting to look again, there is one place he would like to work a bit closer to my family which I would like but who knows whats going to happen. All I know is we need to get better at treating eachother nicer. Because other wise I'm not sure whats going to happen I think if we keep on this path within a year I'm going to be a single parent because I will not want to be so unhappy any more. I don't want that but its really hard. He says he is just chronically tried and thats not helping his mood but he sleeps as much as I do. Maybe he is depressed and just don't know it. But I don't know what to do any more there is so much to do and I need his help and support. Just as much as he needs sleep. He also needs to spend more time with his son. I told him that and he said "I just spent a half hour with him". Umm ok wooo a half hour yeppie sickpy! I spend every waking moment with him, he knows me he loves me, he knows I will make him happy and take care of him when he is sad. The worse part is he will start crying and I will take him from dad and he will stop. That shouldn't happen daddy should be able to calm him down.

Any way I really did just need to bitch, he is a good dad he just needs to spend some more time with his son and try to not be so cranky with me. He just drives me so crazy and its not making me feel very nice lately. Any way I should work on getting some things done well the little man is sleeping. I have a toy box to finish for him.

Here we go again

So the Man came home on Thursday and it didn`t go so great I still didn`t get a lot of sleep but then over the past two days I have gotten to sleep a good amount. But he leaves again tomorrow this time only for three days then is back again and works and we will see if he is going to keep doing this. I am firmly not in favour of this continuing but we will see what happens. I think he knows that its not a good idea but wants to see how it goes. They way I have heard him talking to his parents it sounds like he doesn`t think its the right time to take a role like the one that he has been testing out.

Any way the little man slept for 6 hours straight last night! Then 5 and another 5 before he was up and moving around. Now we just need to work on getting him to sleep for 8 hours and then another 5 and maybe some day soon 12 hours straight.

Any way wish me luck over the next few days and I should get going.

So exhusted

I'm totally exhausted today and just want to go to bed but I have a feeling my little man is going to wake up in an hour so I don't think I should go to bed because I will be super cranky getting woken up that quickly. This has been a long few days but the Man comes home tonight!!! WOOP so happy I'm not sure how tonight will go if I will get the bullshit I worked and drove comment but he can tend to the little one tonight cause I need a break!

Speaking of the little one I can now let him sleep through the night so if he is not up soon I might relocate us in the bed room cause I'm super sleepy. I think he might be waking now but we will see hes been sleeping for a few hours already. I guess they just worry about them until they reach 15 pounds and well he is now 16 so wooh to that. My little man is getting so big so fast.

Any who I'm out for now.

I hate this part!

Well I`ve been alone with the little man now for three days and have two more to go and I am exhausted! I haven`t had a break and I feel like I might pull my hair out. The Man is away right now trying something out and I`m alone doing everything and its fucking hard and I hate it. He and I have to have a very real conversation about this because I can`t do this again its way to much and with no break not even a little one its way overwhelming.

Today he has been especially fussy and I feel like I want to go for a long walk off a short cliff. I need help I need the Man, I have no idea how mothers do this on there own. The shitty part, oh yes it does get worse, is he comes back only to work for three days and then I think he is leaving again. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK ....FUCK So not only am I doing this now but even when he is back still no real break. I want to go way for 5 days well he does everything and see how happy he is. This is bull shit and not something I signed up for!

Okay so he is having a hard time sleeping right now so I need to get going. One exciting thing tho is I`m writting this well laying on my tummy! I haven`t done this since before I was with child and I totally missed it. Any way I need to go.

I`m so burnt out :(

Boo!!

So it looks like next week I'm going to be acting like a single parent! Not happy at all. The Man is testing out a job in another city and will be gone Monday to Thursday, gross! Not only that but he is working today and until Sunday, so we will only have the time when he is here to get stuff done because my little man likes to take up a lot of my time! Not fun! I need someone to come and help us out for a few days, any takers?

I have three baskets of laundry to put away and about four more baskets to do. Bottles to make, dishes to do, house to clean and the only thing that does get done is baby taken care of. Although I guess right now I could be cleaning or something but I really wanted to up date. I'm so not happy about the Man leaving it really is going to make life hard for some time. Plus I have appointments to go to and things to do and now I have to take the little man with me which means everything will take more time to get done. lord boo!

Any way I just needed to vent now its off to get some things done.

Update Update :)

So we went to weight the little man the other day and he is 14 and 1/2 pounds! Crazy, I saw a 4 month old that was half his size today! Lord I'm going to have one big little guy. Today I got an email from some who I thought was my best friend. Last year she told me I was the most negative person she knew and that we no longer could be friends because I was a bad influence one her and her family. I laughed a lot because I do for sure have negative moments but I am pretty full of joy for the most part. Lately I'm super cranky because of the lack of sleep and a bit more negative then usual but as a general whole I'm super happy :)

Any way I was a little shocked by it and said my peace to her but I really wanted to tare her a new one and just tell her off because I was truly hurt by what happened. I am interested to see if she writes back knowing her she will and it may be rude but I'm ready for that.

The little man is super sleepy hungry and sleepy, I think he is having a growth thing happening because he is eating a lot and sleeping a lot. He doesn't like being on his back right now for some reason so I have him on his side. He is doing well and is super happy for the most part but has gassy moments and some really bad days. But I still think he is perfect and love him more and more every day!

Any way I should get going I have some things I need to try and do before he wakes up