Well its been a bad few days and I am feeling emotionally run over and totally just exhausted! I feel like its a giant F you and more over a big old I couldn't give shit. So life now is my little family, me and my little man. The mans future and mine is a little uncertain, but as for my extended relatives that's it I'm with out ties and with out them!
I have some wonderful choice words for these people however I am not going to be like them and take the higher road and just leave it. It takes a pretty ugly person to do and say the things I have heard and seen from these people. Enjoy your ugly I'm not going to be part of it.
Any way thats all for now and I don't think I will be writing here any more. So cheers to you all thanks for reading all my hard times, all my good times.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Uncertain about future
Well today the Man officially quite his job which means that we are for sure going to end up not being here soon. I'm not sure how I totally feel about that, excited and scared! It sounds like he wants to rent for a little bit to start until we can rent this place out our sell and then get something new. I am really excited to have a new start somewhere but at the same time I'm really hoping that its in BC... we will see I guess.
What else is new well the in laws arrive today! Yippie that means I will get a little bit of a break and have some time to organize a bit an maybe think about packing as the Mans job starts in about three weeks.... lord!
I wonder how long after my interview coming up soon will I here about if I get the position or not. Cause if I get that job we are going to move somewhere else and the Man might be a stay at home dad for a little while well I work for a bit. What ever happens its going to be different and its going to be new... I'm a little nervous about our future right now and what might happen but mostly I'm super excited that we are going to be making a new start somewhere else.
I have an appointment today to get some test results... I'm a little worried about that but hoping that they are going to say everything is fine and I worry for no reason! My cousins husband passed away in an accident at home the other day and his funeral is today. This is someone I have know since I was little, and honestly I hated him! He was such a bad person to me, he picked on me almost every day for years and I hated him. That said I would never wish what happened to him upon anyone, it is very sad that his little girl found him and I am heart broken for my cousin life is taken from us so easily. This event has made me evaluate a few things here with my situation and I'm feeling more and more like good things need to happen. I need to see some constant positive change quickly here.
Any way I should get going I'm feeling chatty and could write forever right now but I would like to have a rest well my love sleeps.
What else is new well the in laws arrive today! Yippie that means I will get a little bit of a break and have some time to organize a bit an maybe think about packing as the Mans job starts in about three weeks.... lord!
I wonder how long after my interview coming up soon will I here about if I get the position or not. Cause if I get that job we are going to move somewhere else and the Man might be a stay at home dad for a little while well I work for a bit. What ever happens its going to be different and its going to be new... I'm a little nervous about our future right now and what might happen but mostly I'm super excited that we are going to be making a new start somewhere else.
I have an appointment today to get some test results... I'm a little worried about that but hoping that they are going to say everything is fine and I worry for no reason! My cousins husband passed away in an accident at home the other day and his funeral is today. This is someone I have know since I was little, and honestly I hated him! He was such a bad person to me, he picked on me almost every day for years and I hated him. That said I would never wish what happened to him upon anyone, it is very sad that his little girl found him and I am heart broken for my cousin life is taken from us so easily. This event has made me evaluate a few things here with my situation and I'm feeling more and more like good things need to happen. I need to see some constant positive change quickly here.
Any way I should get going I'm feeling chatty and could write forever right now but I would like to have a rest well my love sleeps.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Caught in the middle
Well today I found out I passed a test that I thought for sure I flopped on and that was a great feeling. I feel like I am much more able then I give myself credit for. I also told a very good opportunity that I need to back away from it because might be moving in a few months. Also because I wasn't feeling good about some of the things they wanted to know about me. Or having to talk to other people about them... So I just decided to not do it. But the shitty thing is now I have to lie to someone else and I don't like that feeling at all!
I honestly hope I do well on an interview I have coming up I think the relocation would be good for me and allow me to be somewhere that gives my lovely little man the chance to get to know some people who I wish he knew. It also gets me into a job that offers me some great benefits and a way to retire some day... which is a good thing and something I think I need. Just means my stay at home mom days would be over and that makes me a little sad cause I really love spending time with my son. I however think it would be excellent for him to go out and become more of his own person. But I will miss him a whole lot! It makes me really sad to think about not having as much time with him. Sometimes I still wish I worked even a little bit just for a break but I really love being with him. I know he is safe, I know he is well taken care of and I am there if he needs me. Tonight he got a bad cut on his eye lid. Dad wasn't watching... but I made it better I fixed him up gave him some love and made it better.
I just feel really caught in between a rock and a hard place! Also the job back home would mean that if I wanted to end things with the man that it would be a whole lot easier to do so, that way I applied for it in the first place cause I was totally set on going home at that point. Any way I just wanted to up date I'm feeling better these days but wonder what life has in store for me over these next few months. I'm sure it will be all a lot of change whatever it is...
Love to all and to all good night
I honestly hope I do well on an interview I have coming up I think the relocation would be good for me and allow me to be somewhere that gives my lovely little man the chance to get to know some people who I wish he knew. It also gets me into a job that offers me some great benefits and a way to retire some day... which is a good thing and something I think I need. Just means my stay at home mom days would be over and that makes me a little sad cause I really love spending time with my son. I however think it would be excellent for him to go out and become more of his own person. But I will miss him a whole lot! It makes me really sad to think about not having as much time with him. Sometimes I still wish I worked even a little bit just for a break but I really love being with him. I know he is safe, I know he is well taken care of and I am there if he needs me. Tonight he got a bad cut on his eye lid. Dad wasn't watching... but I made it better I fixed him up gave him some love and made it better.
I just feel really caught in between a rock and a hard place! Also the job back home would mean that if I wanted to end things with the man that it would be a whole lot easier to do so, that way I applied for it in the first place cause I was totally set on going home at that point. Any way I just wanted to up date I'm feeling better these days but wonder what life has in store for me over these next few months. I'm sure it will be all a lot of change whatever it is...
Love to all and to all good night
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Where did I go?
Well things have been busy these days and I haven't had much time to write anything. I thought it was time for an up date... first of all might I say that its is +23 out and I'm in a blanket in my room because I'm so cold... why or how you ask well I cooled of the house to well! My feet are like ice!
So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.
Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!
Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!
So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.
Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!
Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Wow!
I think god heard me... I am both amazed and shocked by what happened today... something clicked and I felt like for the first time the man got it and he really said something that will stick with me forever. It made me cry soo hard because I never thought he would get it and then it just happened and it was like something in me released some of this anger. I think we might be ok and this is the first time where in my soul I have felt that. That this might all be ok and we will get through this stronger and better then before and that my friends is simply amazing to think about.
So on with the book... I have started in on the healing stuff and now that I think today happened I might be able to really connect with it. I really hope that this is the start I can't think about going back from here but it has happened a few times where I feel really good about stuff and then he just fucks up again. But I think its different because a small weight has been lifted off of me and let me know that he really knows the damage that happened and that it was so wrong.
So where to from here. Well we might move... that would be a start to a new life for sure I have a little network here of mommy friends and all that jazz so that would be sad but I do think its time to leave this city. I was just hoping we would be moving west, not north! boo to that. I want to go west the winds are calling me home and I just want to be closer to everyone and everything that I love.
Any way I just would like to thank the lord for hearing my cry for help. I'm really not the religious type but I truly feel like I was heard and got what I needed today!
So on with the book... I have started in on the healing stuff and now that I think today happened I might be able to really connect with it. I really hope that this is the start I can't think about going back from here but it has happened a few times where I feel really good about stuff and then he just fucks up again. But I think its different because a small weight has been lifted off of me and let me know that he really knows the damage that happened and that it was so wrong.
So where to from here. Well we might move... that would be a start to a new life for sure I have a little network here of mommy friends and all that jazz so that would be sad but I do think its time to leave this city. I was just hoping we would be moving west, not north! boo to that. I want to go west the winds are calling me home and I just want to be closer to everyone and everything that I love.
Any way I just would like to thank the lord for hearing my cry for help. I'm really not the religious type but I truly feel like I was heard and got what I needed today!
Friday, June 22, 2012
All joking aside
Okay God if you are out there this is it I'm really just in need of a big monster sign that I am doing stuff right here. Is that to much to ask? I know your busy with all the other issues in the world that I'm sure are much more vast then mine but please I just really need to know if the choices I'm making are truly just total rubbish and I just need to stop and see that its never going to be right. Things aren't even that bad things are pretty good but I feel like I'm going mad!
Who new this is how things would work out, really! I just really am ready to not have to worry any more to not feel so nuts. I'm reading a book right now that seems to be helping me make some good sense of what I've been going through here and I am thankful I have read it thus far but it really has made me pretty mad and question a lot. I'm not at the point in the book where its suppose to start helping and man I sure hope it does. Cause honestly I just want something joyful in my life again. I want to fight for me and my joy. I want to shine so bright that you need sunglasses to even get a look at how amazing I am! You know something, I am amazing I have so much to offer to the world and I know that my purpose here has been put on hold because of a few things but I'm ok with that for now. I just know that I am ready to start living again and stop holding on to all this shit and I really just need to know that this is right or not.
I think the book is helping but it takes so long to read! I hate being a slow reader and I hate that I have a hard time doing it. I'm only a 1/4 way through and its been days! Well at least I'm doing it right? Any way before my love gets up I need to go eat and stuff so I'm going to end there.
I kinda miss my family also, I wish I felt like they where more involved in my life I could use some soild support and love right now from people who are really there just for my joy and I feel really alone.
Who new this is how things would work out, really! I just really am ready to not have to worry any more to not feel so nuts. I'm reading a book right now that seems to be helping me make some good sense of what I've been going through here and I am thankful I have read it thus far but it really has made me pretty mad and question a lot. I'm not at the point in the book where its suppose to start helping and man I sure hope it does. Cause honestly I just want something joyful in my life again. I want to fight for me and my joy. I want to shine so bright that you need sunglasses to even get a look at how amazing I am! You know something, I am amazing I have so much to offer to the world and I know that my purpose here has been put on hold because of a few things but I'm ok with that for now. I just know that I am ready to start living again and stop holding on to all this shit and I really just need to know that this is right or not.
I think the book is helping but it takes so long to read! I hate being a slow reader and I hate that I have a hard time doing it. I'm only a 1/4 way through and its been days! Well at least I'm doing it right? Any way before my love gets up I need to go eat and stuff so I'm going to end there.
I kinda miss my family also, I wish I felt like they where more involved in my life I could use some soild support and love right now from people who are really there just for my joy and I feel really alone.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Coming to a close
Well things are coming to a close and I feel like we might be making progress. I'm not totally sure that this is the right thing for me to keep doing right now but I am also feeling like I have no choice but to see how it goes. Man having kids makes things a lot harder! I feel pretty alone and kind of empty inside right now. I feel really disconnected from everything and just hope that I can start going back to the person I once was. Thats really what matters to me. I am that person somewhere and I just want to feel joy again.
I know I've never been good at letting things go but this is the one thing I think I just need to let the universe have and see how it all happens. I feel like I am a good person and good things happen to good people so I'm hoping that karma will come on in and give me some love.
I feel defeated lately like the life has been sucked out of me. I think I need a hobby or something to bring some life back into me but what? I use to love, not true still love, to sing and I was thinking of finding a singing group to join but who has the time for that? I'm also not sure I would be supported in wanting to do that or if someone would just guilt me for being out of the house and not at home some times... I also would like to buy a camera, but am kinda broke. I would like to start shooting some stuff I think I have a pretty good eye and I wonder if I could make some side money doing that. I love taking photos and getting those special moments. But thats on the back right now. I also would like to start my own practice doing some consulting but don't really have the time right now.
Hmm what else the man has interviewed a lot lately but all in another stupid city in this stupid province and non back in the home land which makes me sad! I want to go home so bad!!! I miss how beautiful it is there. I would love to be closer to some people and I wish others carried enough to come here. I can't believe that at my age I feel totally abandoned by people who where major factors in my life. I can't believe how shitty they have made me feel and I can't believe I have allowed it. Although that does explain why I allow some super shitty shit to happen in my life. huh thats a eye opening moment... Maybe I'm doing this because it feels like something I have experienced before. wow to much to take in right now. Any way I just wanted to up date and right now I'm a little numb and a lot concerned for my future but I still have hope so thats promising!
I know I've never been good at letting things go but this is the one thing I think I just need to let the universe have and see how it all happens. I feel like I am a good person and good things happen to good people so I'm hoping that karma will come on in and give me some love.
I feel defeated lately like the life has been sucked out of me. I think I need a hobby or something to bring some life back into me but what? I use to love, not true still love, to sing and I was thinking of finding a singing group to join but who has the time for that? I'm also not sure I would be supported in wanting to do that or if someone would just guilt me for being out of the house and not at home some times... I also would like to buy a camera, but am kinda broke. I would like to start shooting some stuff I think I have a pretty good eye and I wonder if I could make some side money doing that. I love taking photos and getting those special moments. But thats on the back right now. I also would like to start my own practice doing some consulting but don't really have the time right now.
Hmm what else the man has interviewed a lot lately but all in another stupid city in this stupid province and non back in the home land which makes me sad! I want to go home so bad!!! I miss how beautiful it is there. I would love to be closer to some people and I wish others carried enough to come here. I can't believe that at my age I feel totally abandoned by people who where major factors in my life. I can't believe how shitty they have made me feel and I can't believe I have allowed it. Although that does explain why I allow some super shitty shit to happen in my life. huh thats a eye opening moment... Maybe I'm doing this because it feels like something I have experienced before. wow to much to take in right now. Any way I just wanted to up date and right now I'm a little numb and a lot concerned for my future but I still have hope so thats promising!
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
10 days in
Well we are 10 days into our 30 day thing and things are pretty good, great even I would dear to say. We have had a few arguments but they have gone really well. Surprising well. No crazy swearing no load voices no nothing just talking about it and how its bothering us and then moving on... Its a little odd to tell you the truth cause I have no idea why it could have been like this the whole time...
Any way nothing thinking about that I just hope the good momentum keeps going. Cool things: I made home made Tortillas, we went to a local festival and got this freaking wicked ball that is hand made out of fabric and then you put a balloon inside and blow it up its awesome. Best idea ever!
I've been reading this blog lately that I got from my sister called 100 Days of Real Food super cool web site and has gotten me back to wanting to eat healthy again. The last time this happened was when I read a book about local eating and did the 100 mile challenge. I felt GREAT doing that but it was really really hard so this one I think might be a little easier for me and will do me and my family well. So I think we will start small and change just a few things at one time and work on getting all the Junk out of the house.
What else... I also think I'm going to start shopping local stores cause I think that big corps are killing the small towns and even tho I don't live in a small town I think that my big city thoughts don't help those small towns that are going to die because of places like walmart. Blah... not cool. Plus I like the Mom and Dad kind of stores they are so much more comfortable to shop in!
Any way what else oh yeah sister forgot to tell you that I tried to go to the tourism place here again with your magazines and you never joined! booo so any way I dropped them in the "In Laws" area in three different cities. Your Welcome! :P
Any way I'm in a pretty good mood today and should have a rest before the little man gets up and i need to go to work.
Any way nothing thinking about that I just hope the good momentum keeps going. Cool things: I made home made Tortillas, we went to a local festival and got this freaking wicked ball that is hand made out of fabric and then you put a balloon inside and blow it up its awesome. Best idea ever!
I've been reading this blog lately that I got from my sister called 100 Days of Real Food super cool web site and has gotten me back to wanting to eat healthy again. The last time this happened was when I read a book about local eating and did the 100 mile challenge. I felt GREAT doing that but it was really really hard so this one I think might be a little easier for me and will do me and my family well. So I think we will start small and change just a few things at one time and work on getting all the Junk out of the house.
What else... I also think I'm going to start shopping local stores cause I think that big corps are killing the small towns and even tho I don't live in a small town I think that my big city thoughts don't help those small towns that are going to die because of places like walmart. Blah... not cool. Plus I like the Mom and Dad kind of stores they are so much more comfortable to shop in!
Any way what else oh yeah sister forgot to tell you that I tried to go to the tourism place here again with your magazines and you never joined! booo so any way I dropped them in the "In Laws" area in three different cities. Your Welcome! :P
Any way I'm in a pretty good mood today and should have a rest before the little man gets up and i need to go to work.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Can 30 days really make a differance?
Well today the man has let me know what he wants to do he wants to do this for 30 more days and at the end of this we will know if this is going to work or not. Or so he seems to think. Now the funny thing with this is the mans dad did the same thing with his mom, but it was right after the man was born. Fuck do you see something the same her. Thank you for that, god! Any way I'm glad in a way that he wants to give it a go to really fix shit but at the same time am I really just wasting 30 days! I guess the message here is save as much as I can and make sure I have some money to get out with. I'm really not sure about all this yet but I'm kind of willing to give it a chance I don't think its going to work but you know I need to change my mind set on that before I get back or I will just make sure it doesn't work.
I'm in BC for one more day and then heading back on Sunday. I want to get an early start and get out of here with some good time under my way. I for sure don't want to be driving on Monday cause everyone will be woo May Long. Plus I kinda just want to get back home to do my thing. I miss playing with my son, I'm totally happy he loves his grampy so much but I have not spent much time with him this last week. I am going to write and leave a thank you letter for the "in laws" I think also just because they really don't need to do as much as they do for my love and I. They have been wonderful to both of us and I appreciate them very much!
What else well I'm not totally sure I'm so at a loss on this all right now that I just am not sure how I feel about it. I want to cry because I'm hurt but I want to try this because I feel like I owe it to my son to do so. I also just kind of want to get on with life at this point. This was to be the year of happy and thus far it is so not that! Its the year of tears. Hurting hearts and broken dreams. I always wanted to be a mom it was the one thing that I couldn't wait for and was excited about, this is not the way it was suppose to be and that is hard because it is not how I pictured it with the man. I know not everthing is perfect but this is just so diffcult that I really just feel worn and broken. Any way I'm not sure when my hope left the building but its gone right now and I'm going to believe that tomorrow after some good sleep it might come back.
Good night world
I'm in BC for one more day and then heading back on Sunday. I want to get an early start and get out of here with some good time under my way. I for sure don't want to be driving on Monday cause everyone will be woo May Long. Plus I kinda just want to get back home to do my thing. I miss playing with my son, I'm totally happy he loves his grampy so much but I have not spent much time with him this last week. I am going to write and leave a thank you letter for the "in laws" I think also just because they really don't need to do as much as they do for my love and I. They have been wonderful to both of us and I appreciate them very much!
What else well I'm not totally sure I'm so at a loss on this all right now that I just am not sure how I feel about it. I want to cry because I'm hurt but I want to try this because I feel like I owe it to my son to do so. I also just kind of want to get on with life at this point. This was to be the year of happy and thus far it is so not that! Its the year of tears. Hurting hearts and broken dreams. I always wanted to be a mom it was the one thing that I couldn't wait for and was excited about, this is not the way it was suppose to be and that is hard because it is not how I pictured it with the man. I know not everthing is perfect but this is just so diffcult that I really just feel worn and broken. Any way I'm not sure when my hope left the building but its gone right now and I'm going to believe that tomorrow after some good sleep it might come back.
Good night world
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Hope
Hope is an interesting thing, it drives us to want to do better and be better and wait for things that might not ever come but that will drive us to continue on in just simple hope. Hope is a thought of something that isn't, it is something fabricated and it isn't real but with out hope we loss a piece of humanity. Hope... Well I have hope, hope that something will inspire me to have a better life, I have hope of joy, and I have hope of being happy with my life. And you know I am over all a happy person but lately have been not so happy with life and how things are going. Mostly with how people/person has been treating me. At this point I am ready to restart my life because I am not so sure that I or what I have to offer is what The Man wants but maybe I am wrong.
I have spent a lot of time talking to may "mother inlaw" this past little while and I am beginning to understand HIM a little more but I wish I was 'safe' enough for him to talk to. There are some big things that click a lot more and now I understand why he has such a problem with them. But I wish he could just tell me these things. Its not right that I learn though his mom but at least I get it more. That doesn't mean his actions and the way he does things is right but it makes things a lot more understandable!
I hope that Friday I will have my answer for what the next chapter of my life will look like, and part of me hopes it is with him because I care about him even though he hasn't been great to me, and I care about our relationship and the future with his child. BUT the other part of me hopes he just says this really isn't what I want so I can just move on and be done with this part of my life and begin the healing. This will take a long time from this past experience it took two years from the last one to this one and I think this one will be even longer. Which is hard for me because being alone scares me, but I am also ready to take that on and learn from it and be ok with being alone. Besides I have my boy so I will never be alone again I will always have him. I love him so and you for all the bad stuff that has gone on and for all the pain and heart ake I have endured, My love makes every single minute worth it because I got him from this. So as hard as this all is I am also the most blessed person in the whole worth because of him.
So there that is I have hope no matter which direction this goes I have hope. This makes me stronger and ready for whatever is to come, no matter what its going to be hard and painful and work but I have hope!
I have spent a lot of time talking to may "mother inlaw" this past little while and I am beginning to understand HIM a little more but I wish I was 'safe' enough for him to talk to. There are some big things that click a lot more and now I understand why he has such a problem with them. But I wish he could just tell me these things. Its not right that I learn though his mom but at least I get it more. That doesn't mean his actions and the way he does things is right but it makes things a lot more understandable!
I hope that Friday I will have my answer for what the next chapter of my life will look like, and part of me hopes it is with him because I care about him even though he hasn't been great to me, and I care about our relationship and the future with his child. BUT the other part of me hopes he just says this really isn't what I want so I can just move on and be done with this part of my life and begin the healing. This will take a long time from this past experience it took two years from the last one to this one and I think this one will be even longer. Which is hard for me because being alone scares me, but I am also ready to take that on and learn from it and be ok with being alone. Besides I have my boy so I will never be alone again I will always have him. I love him so and you for all the bad stuff that has gone on and for all the pain and heart ake I have endured, My love makes every single minute worth it because I got him from this. So as hard as this all is I am also the most blessed person in the whole worth because of him.
So there that is I have hope no matter which direction this goes I have hope. This makes me stronger and ready for whatever is to come, no matter what its going to be hard and painful and work but I have hope!
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Up date...
Well things are a little more chill in my house and I am feeling a little bit better. The police talked to him and they are not pressing charges at the moment. He is not coming home tonight but will be here for 10am tomorrow to talk a few things over. I'm not totally sure yet what will happen yet or what I want but I know all this needs to end now. I'm at a cross roads here, I have no idea what the right move is. Well thats not totally true I think a small part of me knows what the most positive out come would be but I also feel like I just need someone to have a wake up call about what is going on here and make some big choices. I really want a joyful life and I really hoped he would be part of that. I don't want to be answering questions about him that I can't answer, I don't want my son to hate me for taking him away from his dad. I don't want to have to deal with all of that and most of all I don't want him to feel the pain that will go with all of that. That sucks... because it means I am causing my son a world of pain in his future and that breaks my heart. I can live with out the man, I will some day meet someone else who will do right by me. But to break my sons heart just makes me feel like the worlds worst mother.
I don't want to hurt my son, I don't want to be hurt any more and I still have no clue what I will do I guess I will have to wake up tomorrow with some kind of choice. I just hope I can stand up for what is going to be the best choice for me and my love. This life is once and I will not live it like this, I will not allow someone to do this to me or show my son a poor example of what a man is. Lord grant me strength in my heart and stillness in my mind.
I don't want to hurt my son, I don't want to be hurt any more and I still have no clue what I will do I guess I will have to wake up tomorrow with some kind of choice. I just hope I can stand up for what is going to be the best choice for me and my love. This life is once and I will not live it like this, I will not allow someone to do this to me or show my son a poor example of what a man is. Lord grant me strength in my heart and stillness in my mind.
Is this how it ends and starts?
Today was a totally melt down of showing true colours of a person. I am at a loss on how it got to this point and can not believe that after all the benefit of the doubt I have given this is what it comes to and this is how it ends. The starting piece is a start to a new life, a life that will be hard, a life that will no longer be full of hurt and contempt. A life that I will be proud to have. I'm am choosing us (me and my little man) I am choosing joy, I am choosing life. Now how do I get there? Thats the hard part everything is more difficult with a child in the picture because I have to consider what is best for him and me. This is not! This is the worst, so now I just need to get out of here and start over but in order to do so I have to go to court and get full rights to my son so that he never again will have to endure the pain of that man!
So now what, well the police just came back because my statement was a little odd in a few spots why well cause I don't want to get in put in jail or have a criminal offence charge on file for the rest of him life but at the same time why should I want to protect him from that. He hurt me he should get charged. I just want my baby and I want to leave I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like I'm a gluten for punishment like why the hell didn't I leave the first time did I really like it was going to get better? REALLY well yes I did but like fuck man I didn't think it would get like this. I didn't think he would try to hurt me like that I for sure didn't think that I would be back here trying to make these choices again. My feet are cold! I'm cold, I feel like I'm going to barff and my head is spinning, can this all really be happening? Am I not better then this? Do I not need happiness? Is it really that easy for you to hurt me and run. He would not answer the police call, I have a feeling he will not talk to them which will be worse for him. I have a feeling after all this is over its going to suck having to deal with him at all. I hate that I am the one feeling like the bad guy! I hate that I am the one that will have to always feel like the bad guy! I hate that all I have done is try to keep it together and be understanding and I end up hurt.
Now I need to figure out where I want to be... here with Nicho so the man can have visits with him or away from him all together. I am pretty sure I know the right answer but that is a hard thing to choose. I feel a little broken hearted about the fact that I am ripping my sons father out of his life. Lord knows when he will see him, lord knows how often he will see him. lord knows if it will be weeks or months or years and I'm the one who will have to answer the questions. I'm the one who will have to explain why he is not around and Im the one who he will be mad at for taking him. Not his dad. ME!
I wish I wasn't so far from home, I would pack up and go now. I don't want to be here I just want a hug and some who cares about me to hug me and some time to cry. My poor son, he didn't ask for this. How am I going to explain this to him. HELP. I feel so alone and broken and hurt right now and I just need some time to get this feeling out of me. I really should have known better I really should have stood up for myself and for him much sooner and then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. But I am and its has happened and I know things get better well you know what they are going to suck for a long long time before they get any fucking better!
any way I'm going to rest my eyes until my love gets up and then I'm not sure what we are going to do but I don't really want to hang around here I want to leave but the only place I have to go in my exinlaws right now and I really don't feel thats a good call.
So now what, well the police just came back because my statement was a little odd in a few spots why well cause I don't want to get in put in jail or have a criminal offence charge on file for the rest of him life but at the same time why should I want to protect him from that. He hurt me he should get charged. I just want my baby and I want to leave I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like I'm a gluten for punishment like why the hell didn't I leave the first time did I really like it was going to get better? REALLY well yes I did but like fuck man I didn't think it would get like this. I didn't think he would try to hurt me like that I for sure didn't think that I would be back here trying to make these choices again. My feet are cold! I'm cold, I feel like I'm going to barff and my head is spinning, can this all really be happening? Am I not better then this? Do I not need happiness? Is it really that easy for you to hurt me and run. He would not answer the police call, I have a feeling he will not talk to them which will be worse for him. I have a feeling after all this is over its going to suck having to deal with him at all. I hate that I am the one feeling like the bad guy! I hate that I am the one that will have to always feel like the bad guy! I hate that all I have done is try to keep it together and be understanding and I end up hurt.
Now I need to figure out where I want to be... here with Nicho so the man can have visits with him or away from him all together. I am pretty sure I know the right answer but that is a hard thing to choose. I feel a little broken hearted about the fact that I am ripping my sons father out of his life. Lord knows when he will see him, lord knows how often he will see him. lord knows if it will be weeks or months or years and I'm the one who will have to answer the questions. I'm the one who will have to explain why he is not around and Im the one who he will be mad at for taking him. Not his dad. ME!
I wish I wasn't so far from home, I would pack up and go now. I don't want to be here I just want a hug and some who cares about me to hug me and some time to cry. My poor son, he didn't ask for this. How am I going to explain this to him. HELP. I feel so alone and broken and hurt right now and I just need some time to get this feeling out of me. I really should have known better I really should have stood up for myself and for him much sooner and then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. But I am and its has happened and I know things get better well you know what they are going to suck for a long long time before they get any fucking better!
any way I'm going to rest my eyes until my love gets up and then I'm not sure what we are going to do but I don't really want to hang around here I want to leave but the only place I have to go in my exinlaws right now and I really don't feel thats a good call.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
ahhh just another post
Well today was a pretty wonderful day, I met my friends lovely little girl who is just 5 days old and is so small and lovely. She is so cute and so small and so wonderful. How amazing is it that we as women get to have the joy and pleasure of bring new life into this world. Amazing!! I can't wait to have more babies, or I hope to anyway. I am blessed with my one.
Anyway what else is going on well my lovely little man is doing great and he is fantastic and I love him more and more ever day. Which I didn't even think was possible cause I love him a lot to begin with but I love him more and more all each day!
The man and I are doing alright but having some difficulties and I kind of wonder if that will ever go away! Its just so hard sometimes and I wonder why I even bother. I feel like I have hit the wall about a million times and it is starting to get old. I feel pretty hurt often and I'm not sure if that will go away ether. But I'm trying and sometimes things are great like super great. Then most of the time it feels like we are roommates that only tolerate each other. lord someone tell me things work out and get better please. I don't want to live this way any more and I just feel trapped. Not always but right now. Today was a hard day for me so thats not helping. I woke up cranky, I don't feel appreciated and then I had a great afternoon but right now I'm feeling a little cranky again and just want to sleep and feel better.
What else ... well I hope I can get the little man in to a good center for July so that I can work for the summer. I'm crossing my fingers!!!
Hmm lets see inlaws are on the way tomorrow. Which means my chariot is going to be here!! woop look out bike rides here we come! Any way I'm going to run.
Anyway what else is going on well my lovely little man is doing great and he is fantastic and I love him more and more ever day. Which I didn't even think was possible cause I love him a lot to begin with but I love him more and more all each day!
The man and I are doing alright but having some difficulties and I kind of wonder if that will ever go away! Its just so hard sometimes and I wonder why I even bother. I feel like I have hit the wall about a million times and it is starting to get old. I feel pretty hurt often and I'm not sure if that will go away ether. But I'm trying and sometimes things are great like super great. Then most of the time it feels like we are roommates that only tolerate each other. lord someone tell me things work out and get better please. I don't want to live this way any more and I just feel trapped. Not always but right now. Today was a hard day for me so thats not helping. I woke up cranky, I don't feel appreciated and then I had a great afternoon but right now I'm feeling a little cranky again and just want to sleep and feel better.
What else ... well I hope I can get the little man in to a good center for July so that I can work for the summer. I'm crossing my fingers!!!
Hmm lets see inlaws are on the way tomorrow. Which means my chariot is going to be here!! woop look out bike rides here we come! Any way I'm going to run.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I'm a bad blogger!
Wow I don't really write all that often, I feel super disconnected from people right now so maybe thats why I haven't wrote in a while. I didn't want some anger to come out in a bad way but let me just say this, when I am old and my child is grown I will still call, I will still care and I will want to see him for more then a second especially if he is miles away. I can not even think I would ever want any less as I love that boy more then anything. The fact that I have no idea who my brother is and my parents hardly ever talk to me is just sad. I look at my son and think how could I ever just not care about you enough to want to be in your life. Its hurtful and wrong and shitty! I hate that they don't know him and fucking say shit like "he's looking at us like who are you people" Well DUH he doesn't know who the fuck you are cause you are never around. You don't talk to him, you don't see him, he will never know you because you suck~!
So I'm a little disappointed in them to say the least, and its shitty that they don't care! Its shitty that they will never know him and its shitty that they have no fucking clue as to who I am. Cause I'm fucking amazing. I am kind, I am smart, I am important but just not to them. Assholes. Err ok I think I'm done with that now.
The little man is great, getting smarter every day, having fun learning lots and just generally a great kid! I value him in my life more then anyone can understand! The Man is alright and we have been doing pretty well lately, I think we might be starting to get this who thing together better and better. I still don't trust him very much and kind of wonder about things but I think we are in a good spot to rebuild some trust and move forward in kindness and love and honesty.
We are going away in a few days to a different city to check it out and for the man to have an interview, should be interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but I think I'm really ready to not be where we are. I love the city don't get me wrong but I can not give my son the things I want to here. Like a yard, a life time home, learning how to plant and grow things, just things that I value from my child hood. Even tho my parents sucked at the best of times we still learnt a whole lot of different things which I would like to pass on to him.
Any way I'm starting to get upset again so I think before this post gets any more unpleasant I'm going to go. Oh I hate car shopping and hope that it ends soon!!!! Good night all
So I'm a little disappointed in them to say the least, and its shitty that they don't care! Its shitty that they will never know him and its shitty that they have no fucking clue as to who I am. Cause I'm fucking amazing. I am kind, I am smart, I am important but just not to them. Assholes. Err ok I think I'm done with that now.
The little man is great, getting smarter every day, having fun learning lots and just generally a great kid! I value him in my life more then anyone can understand! The Man is alright and we have been doing pretty well lately, I think we might be starting to get this who thing together better and better. I still don't trust him very much and kind of wonder about things but I think we are in a good spot to rebuild some trust and move forward in kindness and love and honesty.
We are going away in a few days to a different city to check it out and for the man to have an interview, should be interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but I think I'm really ready to not be where we are. I love the city don't get me wrong but I can not give my son the things I want to here. Like a yard, a life time home, learning how to plant and grow things, just things that I value from my child hood. Even tho my parents sucked at the best of times we still learnt a whole lot of different things which I would like to pass on to him.
Any way I'm starting to get upset again so I think before this post gets any more unpleasant I'm going to go. Oh I hate car shopping and hope that it ends soon!!!! Good night all
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Ahhh!!!
I love my son more then anything in this world I would go to crazy measures to make sure he was happy, healthy and getting everything he needs in life! But tonight man I wish he would just go back to sleep! He has been crying for a half hour, now I'm not a mean mom not full on crazy crying just like I'm going to cry for a second every min cause I'm so unhappy and don't want to be in this stupid room alone. He is not feeling well and is just miserable!
On a plus side the Man followed through today which I was shocked at! Really and truly shocked I was ready to start packing and just move on with my life and I totally didn't expect him to follow through because it has been a rough go at it for us but he did. A pleasant surprise now we just need to start our plan on getting to a place of greatness. You see we talked about a plan that we wanted to have but I wasn't going to jump on board that band wagon with the way things had been going. We talked about connecting better and more meaningfully, he wanted to buy a new bigger place with me on the home owner list, we talked about learning how to fight better, he talked about a dog (not for a few long years!), we talked about a lot of things that would make our path to being the best couple possible but I really wasn't on board cause I didn't feel like he was making effort to include me more in his life and make choices to be a grown man that appreciates me and his son!
Well so now we have a whole lot of work ahead of us and I was not willing to invest that time if he wasn't willing to do some things and mean them. So now I make the choice to learn to trust him again, to forgive the things that have happened and move forward. This will be hard for me to do but the thing is that you only live once and I want to be happy. This year is my year of joy and happy me. So in order to be happy and joyful I must do these things or I will forever relive all the hurtfulness from the past little while. Maybe these choices are not what most would think are the right ones but I feel that they are right for me now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and wish I would have made different choices but I'm doing what feels right. So far that has gotten me to some pretty great things in my life. Like having my son. That was a hard choice because I had a lot of people tell me not to do it but I did what I felt was right and now I am blessed with a wonderful little man who I love more then anything even when he is crying every minute! Like moving to Calgary god everyone thought I was so stupid but it helped me learn so much about myself and really for the first time I loved who I was, and where I was and what I was doing, I found joy in life and was so happy. Well ok not right away but for about 4 years I was just enjoying my life, sure it had its rocky moments and times when I thought that I might not get through it all but all in all when I look back on it I was so happy with life I felt great.
So I want to feel that way again and now its about moving forward and healing my heart and should from the last little while and having someone who wants to help me heal because he loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be, for me and our little man. He said that to me today. So I am willing to be open to love and open to trust but man am I ever a little worried. But they say the greats things are also the most scary! Which I would believe so heres hoping.
Any way I think I have written enough for tonight and my little man has fallen asleep again by the lack of sounds coming out of his room so thats great! Have sweet dreams everyone and I am positively look forward to my year of happy.
On a plus side the Man followed through today which I was shocked at! Really and truly shocked I was ready to start packing and just move on with my life and I totally didn't expect him to follow through because it has been a rough go at it for us but he did. A pleasant surprise now we just need to start our plan on getting to a place of greatness. You see we talked about a plan that we wanted to have but I wasn't going to jump on board that band wagon with the way things had been going. We talked about connecting better and more meaningfully, he wanted to buy a new bigger place with me on the home owner list, we talked about learning how to fight better, he talked about a dog (not for a few long years!), we talked about a lot of things that would make our path to being the best couple possible but I really wasn't on board cause I didn't feel like he was making effort to include me more in his life and make choices to be a grown man that appreciates me and his son!
Well so now we have a whole lot of work ahead of us and I was not willing to invest that time if he wasn't willing to do some things and mean them. So now I make the choice to learn to trust him again, to forgive the things that have happened and move forward. This will be hard for me to do but the thing is that you only live once and I want to be happy. This year is my year of joy and happy me. So in order to be happy and joyful I must do these things or I will forever relive all the hurtfulness from the past little while. Maybe these choices are not what most would think are the right ones but I feel that they are right for me now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and wish I would have made different choices but I'm doing what feels right. So far that has gotten me to some pretty great things in my life. Like having my son. That was a hard choice because I had a lot of people tell me not to do it but I did what I felt was right and now I am blessed with a wonderful little man who I love more then anything even when he is crying every minute! Like moving to Calgary god everyone thought I was so stupid but it helped me learn so much about myself and really for the first time I loved who I was, and where I was and what I was doing, I found joy in life and was so happy. Well ok not right away but for about 4 years I was just enjoying my life, sure it had its rocky moments and times when I thought that I might not get through it all but all in all when I look back on it I was so happy with life I felt great.
So I want to feel that way again and now its about moving forward and healing my heart and should from the last little while and having someone who wants to help me heal because he loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be, for me and our little man. He said that to me today. So I am willing to be open to love and open to trust but man am I ever a little worried. But they say the greats things are also the most scary! Which I would believe so heres hoping.
Any way I think I have written enough for tonight and my little man has fallen asleep again by the lack of sounds coming out of his room so thats great! Have sweet dreams everyone and I am positively look forward to my year of happy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Feeling lost
Sometimes things just speak to you and let you know this is it, other times you are just straining to hear a little tiny voice say what your doing is what you are meant to be doing and nothing at all comes through. I feel like I have nothing coming through lately. I'm not sure about the work I'm doing right now or what I should be doing instead. I'm not sure where my future is going to take me. I'm not sure if I'm happy where I am living. I'm not sure if my partner is the right person for me. I'm not sure if I want the things I say I want. I'm not sure about a lot and mostly I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. I feel a little at odds with life at the moment. In fact the only thing I am sure about is that I love my son and I am so over joyed he is in my world. But what that world is, thats up for questioning. I'm also not really sure where this is all coming from. I feel like I should be doing something but I don't really have the time or money (mainly money) to do it. Also I'm not sure I have the dedication I would need right now in order to achieve it. So what should I do in the mean time? Well I have the answer for that also but I just have to find it.
I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.
There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.
I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.
I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.
There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.
I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
10 on Wednesday
So my sister has been doing this 10 on Tuesday thing and I am board and not feeling so great so I thought I would do my today. . . 10 on Wednesday :)
1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!
2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.
3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.
4. Do you like accents?
Yes!
5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.
6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!
7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!
8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that
9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!
10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.
On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!
I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.
Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!
1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!
2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.
3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.
4. Do you like accents?
Yes!
5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.
6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!
7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!
8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that
9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!
10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.
On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!
I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.
Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!
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