Well today the man has let me know what he wants to do he wants to do this for 30 more days and at the end of this we will know if this is going to work or not. Or so he seems to think. Now the funny thing with this is the mans dad did the same thing with his mom, but it was right after the man was born. Fuck do you see something the same her. Thank you for that, god! Any way I'm glad in a way that he wants to give it a go to really fix shit but at the same time am I really just wasting 30 days! I guess the message here is save as much as I can and make sure I have some money to get out with. I'm really not sure about all this yet but I'm kind of willing to give it a chance I don't think its going to work but you know I need to change my mind set on that before I get back or I will just make sure it doesn't work.
I'm in BC for one more day and then heading back on Sunday. I want to get an early start and get out of here with some good time under my way. I for sure don't want to be driving on Monday cause everyone will be woo May Long. Plus I kinda just want to get back home to do my thing. I miss playing with my son, I'm totally happy he loves his grampy so much but I have not spent much time with him this last week. I am going to write and leave a thank you letter for the "in laws" I think also just because they really don't need to do as much as they do for my love and I. They have been wonderful to both of us and I appreciate them very much!
What else well I'm not totally sure I'm so at a loss on this all right now that I just am not sure how I feel about it. I want to cry because I'm hurt but I want to try this because I feel like I owe it to my son to do so. I also just kind of want to get on with life at this point. This was to be the year of happy and thus far it is so not that! Its the year of tears. Hurting hearts and broken dreams. I always wanted to be a mom it was the one thing that I couldn't wait for and was excited about, this is not the way it was suppose to be and that is hard because it is not how I pictured it with the man. I know not everthing is perfect but this is just so diffcult that I really just feel worn and broken. Any way I'm not sure when my hope left the building but its gone right now and I'm going to believe that tomorrow after some good sleep it might come back.
Good night world
1 comment:
Just checking in - I agree that if you are going to try for 30 days you have to forgo the past - you have to just roll with the days and not allow the old stuff to bother you - it is a fresh wound and I hope everything turns out the way you want it to - you deserve happiness - you absolutely do! There is a give and take in a relationship and sometimes people have no idea how to share emotions or give themselves to a relationship - that we all have different expectations - it made my heart hurt when I listened to your voice mail about watching my relationship and being happy because I was happy - and hoping that you had that... you can.. you will...
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