Saturday, May 12, 2012

Is this how it ends and starts?

Today was a totally melt down of showing true colours of a person. I am at a loss on how it got to this point and can not believe that after all the benefit of the doubt I have given this is what it comes to and this is how it ends. The starting piece is a start to a new life, a life that will be hard, a life that will no longer be full of hurt and contempt. A life that I will be proud to have. I'm am choosing us (me and my little man) I am choosing joy, I am choosing life. Now how do I get there? Thats the hard part everything is more difficult with a child in the picture because I have to consider what is best for him and me. This is not! This is the worst, so now I just need to get out of here and start over but in order to do so I have to go to court and get full rights to my son so that he never again will have to endure the pain of that man!

So now what, well the police just came back because my statement was a little odd in a few spots why well cause I don't want to get in put in jail or have a criminal offence charge on file for the rest of him life but at the same time why should I want to protect him from that. He hurt me he should get charged. I just want my baby and I want to leave I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like I'm a gluten for punishment like why the hell didn't I leave the first time did I really like it was going to get better? REALLY well yes I did but like fuck man I didn't think it would get like this. I didn't think he would try to hurt me like that I for sure didn't think that I would be back here trying to make these choices again. My feet are cold! I'm cold, I feel like I'm going to barff and my head is spinning, can this all really be happening? Am I not better then this? Do I not need happiness? Is it really that easy for you to hurt me and run. He would not answer the police call, I have a feeling he will not talk to them which will be worse for him. I have a feeling after all this is over its going to suck having to deal with him at all. I hate that I am the one feeling like the bad guy! I hate that I am the one that will have to always feel like the bad guy! I hate that all I have done is try to keep it together and be understanding and I end up hurt.

Now I need to figure out where I want to be... here with Nicho so the man can have visits with him or away from him all together. I am pretty sure I know the right answer but that is a hard thing to choose. I feel a little broken hearted about the fact that I am ripping my sons father out of his life. Lord knows when he will see him, lord knows how often he will see him. lord knows if it will be weeks or months or years and I'm the one who will have to answer the questions. I'm the one who will have to explain why he is not around and Im the one who he will be mad at for taking him. Not his dad. ME! 

I wish I wasn't so far from home, I would pack up and go now. I don't want to be here I just want a hug and some who cares about me to hug me and some time to cry. My poor son, he didn't ask for this. How am I going to explain this to him. HELP. I feel so alone and broken and hurt right now and I just need some time to get this feeling out of me. I really should have known better I really should have stood up for myself and for him much sooner and then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. But I am and its has happened and I know things get better well you know what they are going to suck for a long long time before they get any fucking better!

any way I'm going to rest my eyes until my love gets up and then I'm not sure what we are going to do but I don't really want to hang around here I want to leave but the only place I have to go in my exinlaws right now and I really don't feel thats a good call.

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