Hope

Hope is an interesting thing, it drives us to want to do better and be better and wait for things that might not ever come but that will drive us to continue on in just simple hope. Hope is a thought of something that isn't, it is something fabricated and it isn't real but with out hope we loss a piece of humanity. Hope... Well I have hope, hope that something will inspire me to have a better life, I have hope of joy, and I have hope of being happy with my life. And you know I am over all a happy person but lately have been not so happy with life and how things are going. Mostly with how people/person has been treating me. At this point I am ready to restart my life because I am not so sure that I or what I have to offer is what The Man wants but maybe I am wrong.

I have spent a lot of time talking to may "mother inlaw" this past little while and I am beginning to understand HIM a little more but I wish I was 'safe' enough for him to talk to. There are some big things that click a lot more and now I understand why he has such a problem with them. But I wish he could just tell me these things. Its not right that I learn though his mom but at least I get it more. That doesn't mean his actions and the way he does things is right but it makes things a lot more understandable!

I hope that Friday I will have my answer for what the next chapter of my life will look like, and part of me hopes it is with him because I care about him even though he hasn't been great to me, and I care about our relationship and the future with his child. BUT the other part of me hopes he just says this really isn't what I want so I can just move on and be done with this part of my life and begin the healing. This will take a long time from this past experience it took  two years from the last one to this one and I think this one will be even longer. Which is hard for me because being alone scares me, but I am also ready to take that on and learn from it and be ok with being alone. Besides I have my boy so I will never be alone again I will always have him. I love him so and you for all the bad stuff that has gone on and for all the pain and heart ake I have endured, My love makes every single minute worth it because I got him from this. So as hard as this all is I am also the most blessed person in the whole worth because of him.

So there that is I have hope no matter which direction this goes I have hope. This makes me stronger and ready for whatever is to come, no matter what its going to be hard and painful and work but I have hope!