Ahhh!!!

I love my son more then anything in this world I would go to crazy measures to make sure he was happy, healthy and getting everything he needs in life! But tonight man I wish he would just go back to sleep! He has been crying for a half hour, now I'm not a mean mom not full on crazy crying just like I'm going to cry for a second every min cause I'm so unhappy and don't want to be in this stupid room alone. He is not feeling well and is just miserable!

On a plus side the Man followed through today which I was shocked at! Really and truly shocked I was ready to start packing and just move on with my life and I totally didn't expect him to follow through because it has been a rough go at it for us but he did. A pleasant surprise now we just need to start our plan on getting to a place of greatness. You see we talked about a plan that we wanted to have but I wasn't going to jump on board that band wagon with the way things had been going. We talked about connecting better and more meaningfully, he wanted to buy a new bigger place with me on the home owner list, we talked about learning how to fight better, he talked about a dog (not for a few long years!), we talked about a lot of things that would make our path to being the best couple possible but I really wasn't on board cause I didn't feel like he was making effort to include me more in his life and make choices to be a grown man that appreciates me and his son!

Well so now we have a whole lot of work ahead of us and I was not willing to invest that time if he wasn't willing to do some things and mean them. So now I make the choice to learn to trust him again, to forgive the things that have happened and move forward. This will be hard for me to do but the thing is that you only live once and I want to be happy. This year is my year of joy and happy me. So in order to be happy and joyful I must do these things or I will forever relive all the hurtfulness from the past little while. Maybe these choices are not what most would think are the right ones but I feel that they are right for me now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and wish I would have made different choices but I'm doing what feels right. So far that has gotten me to some pretty great things in my life. Like having my son. That was a hard choice because I had a lot of people tell me not to do it but I did what I felt was right and now I am blessed with a wonderful little man who I love more then anything even when he is crying every minute! Like moving to Calgary god everyone thought I was so stupid but it helped me learn so much about myself and really for the first time I loved who I was, and where I was and what I was doing, I found joy in life and was so happy. Well ok not right away but for about 4 years I was just enjoying my life, sure it had its rocky moments and times when I thought that I might not get through it all but all in all when I look back on it I was so happy with life I felt great.

So I want to feel that way again and now its about moving forward and healing my heart and should from the last little while and having someone who wants to help me heal because he loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be, for me and our little man. He said that to me today. So I am willing to be open to love and open to trust but man am I ever a little worried. But they say the greats things are also the most scary! Which I would believe so heres hoping.

Any way I think I have written enough for tonight and my little man has fallen asleep again by the lack of sounds coming out of his room so thats great! Have sweet dreams everyone and I am positively look forward to my year of happy.