Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Feeling lost

Sometimes things just speak to you and let you know this is it, other times you are just straining to hear a little tiny voice say what your doing is what you are meant to be doing and nothing at all comes through. I feel like I have nothing coming through lately. I'm not sure about the work I'm doing right now or what I should be doing instead. I'm not sure where my future is going to take me. I'm not sure if I'm happy where I am living. I'm not sure if my partner is the right person for me. I'm not sure if I want the things I say I want. I'm not sure about a lot and mostly I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. I feel a little at odds with life at the moment. In fact the only thing I am sure about is that I love my son and I am so over joyed he is in my world. But what that world is, thats up for questioning. I'm also not really sure where this is all coming from. I feel like I should be doing something but I don't really have the time or money (mainly money) to do it. Also I'm not sure I have the dedication I would need right now in order to achieve it. So what should I do in the mean time? Well I have the answer for that also but I just have to find it.

I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.

There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.

I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.

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