Where did I go?

Well things have been busy these days and I haven't had much time to write anything. I thought it was time for an up date... first of all might I say that its is +23 out and I'm in a blanket in my room because I'm so cold... why or how you ask well I cooled of the house to well! My feet are like ice!

So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.

Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!

Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!

I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!