Well it has been a while since I last wrote but life has been a bit hard lately. Just with the man and the things we have been through things have been hard. I have been home to see my family, have been to a talk to some one about our issues and have been getting ready to have my lovely little mans second Christmas. This time last year my son was just a month old and so small. My cousin had a baby just a few days ago and it totally takes me back a year and to how different my life was. Things have for sure changed! I think that the Man and I have been making some progress but at the same time he is so rude to me some times. I kind of gave him an ultimatum to prove that he is committed to me and this relationship or that I will leave in the new year after we have gone to court. So we will see how that goes. I still don't totally trust him and I don't know if I will ever really forgive him but things are better for the moment.
My friend has gone through something the same and she texted me today saying how unhappy she is and if she wasn't so afraid of being alone she would leave him. But she is amazing and wouldn't have a problem finding someone who would be amazing to her. I totally get where she is coming from though! I am totally scared to be alone and for my son to not feel like he has the best of everything. The more I talk to the kids at my work about there families the more it makes me want to make this work and work great for him. Most of the kids come from broken homes and some come from super dysfunctional homes. The other day this weird little boy that is so cute was drawing with me and we where chatting and I said something about making his mom a card cause all moms like cards. He looked at me all odd and said "I don't have a mom!" then rolled his eyes. It made my heart break, no mom, who has no mom, I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was a sweet smart lovey little guy and that I'm sure his mom loved him. So sad!
Also there is this little girl who is my fav from them all she is so sweet and so kind. She is also smart and so pretty and is just such a great person! She was telling me about how its so hard not living with he mom and dad. she never sees he dad and when she does she doesn't know how to act around him because she doesn't know him enough. She also went on to tell me about how she was really excited to get to spend Christmas with him this year and really have some time with him. How sweet and how sad. Its so hard this whole life thing.
Any way I spent the day doing some last minute shopping and then went to the Mans work and we cleaned the car from top to bottom and then changed the little mans seat to be forward facing. He is so big!! They grow way to fast. Man do I ever love that kid! Like I don't think I ever knew you could love someone so much but I love him more then anything and larger then I ever have loved anything in my life!
Any way Christmas is tomorrow and I'm excited for the New Year because it will be full of change no matter what so its going to be a big year I think. I love you all I miss my family! I wish we where together for the holidays but just know I love you and my heart is with you!
Merry Christmas!
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