I bid adieu to 2011

New years eve is here and we are about to say good bye to 2011 and hello to 2012, it has been a year for sure! Amazing moments, sad days, hard days but all and all I think one of the best years for me because I was blessed with a lovely little man who really made my year.

He learnt how to pick his head up, roll over, crawl, walk and started to want to run all in one year, this year. He has learnt words and how to ask for things he wants with out words. He has learnt about so much and grown so much and has turned my world totally upside down in the most wonderful way! He has such a lovely personality and is just a gem and I am the most proud momma in the whole world and I cant wait to see him grow and change more this year to come.

I have never really been the kind of person to make resolutions its really not my thing. But I have always tried to make one or two goals and this year there are a few things I would like to see happen in this coming year. I think one of the biggest ones is to find my smile again, I think I have lost it, as I have been pretty sad these last few months, its just been a hard go at life and I forget what its like to be me. This past two years my life has changed in large ways and I feel like I lost my smile though a lot of the shit that has occurred. So I would like to bring joy back into my life.

Any way I'm getting sleepy and I think I might not make it until mid night to bring in the New Year as it happens. But 2011 has been many highs and a few lows, it has been full of new things and has taught me lots. Now I bid adieu to dear 2011.

Happy Birthday to my Sister

Dearest sister of mine, today is your birthday and I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and have a glass of wine with you. Welcome to old age :P I had to say it once. But I hope this year brings you all the joy and love that you need!! I hope that you are smiling today and I hope that you know I love you and miss you ever day!

xoxoxo

Blah!

Sick babies are a whole bunch more work then anyone ever tells you, and to top it off I feel like ass myself but its a different kind of sick. He is coughing, runny noise, and just over all sick. I am feeling barffy and just blah kinda sick. It sucks balls! I seem to feel worse at night for some reason and I'm not sure why. Needless to say I hope everyone in my house feels better soon!

What else... well I would like some one to tell me when I might feel better about my ass of a Man I mean I have good days where I think that its going to be alright and things are good but then today happens and I just hate him again! I know he feels bad and I know he is trying but I'm not sure thats enough some times. Its just painful to know what has happened here and it makes me sick some times. Like tonight and I'm not sure why its coming up tonight but it is, and it sucks!

What else is going on . . . well in a week and a bit we are going to see the in laws, which is great, they are suck good people I just wish there son was the same, and I know somewhere he is but fuck man this is just ass! OK so I really feel like ass tonight and I am mad like mad mad mad mother fucking mad, and I don't like it sometimes I think I should just get it over with and move on but then I remember that he does make me feel good and I do care about him and that I did want a life with him and I don't know what to do after that, but I feel broken tonight and I think my hormones might have something to do with this! Blah!

Any way I'm excited about going away and seeing the in laws and getting some good swim time in! Also I'm excited for next week cause someone is finally going to come fix the stupid floor and I might get my living room back by the end of next week!! How exciting!!

Something to try and get my smile back:
I love that little man more then anything in this world, and in all his sickness he is still the cutest kid ever. He was sitting snuggling with me and all the sudden jumped up, fell into my lap looked at me and smiled but and said mom. Then sat up looked and me and "kissed" (really its like a lick) my cheeks three times and then hugged me.

I love him! I thank all the goodness in the world for him every day! I am so proud to be his mom and I am so excited to see him grow and change and learn and become a wonderful man! Give it up for your kids! Cause honestly they make your life 100 million times more amazing then anything else could ever!

Twas the night before Christmas

Well it has been a while since I last wrote but life has been a bit hard lately. Just with the man and the things we have been through things have been hard. I have been home to see my family, have been to a talk to some one about our issues and have been getting ready to have my lovely little mans second Christmas. This time last year my son was just a month old and so small. My cousin had a baby just a few days ago and it totally takes me back a year and to how different my life was. Things have for sure changed! I think that the Man and I have been making some progress but at the same time he is so rude to me some times. I kind of gave him an ultimatum to prove that he is committed to me and this relationship or that I will leave in the new year after we have gone to court. So we will see how that goes. I still don't totally trust him and I don't know if I will ever really forgive him but things are better for the moment.

My friend has gone through something the same and she texted me today saying how unhappy she is and if she wasn't so afraid of being alone she would leave him. But she is amazing and wouldn't have a problem finding someone who would be amazing to her. I totally get where she is coming from though! I am totally scared to be alone and for my son to not feel like he has the best of everything. The more I talk to the kids at my work about there families the more it makes me want to make this work and work great for him. Most of the kids come from broken homes and some come from super dysfunctional homes. The other day this weird little boy that is so cute was drawing with me and we where chatting and I said something about making his mom a card cause all moms like cards. He looked at me all odd and said "I don't have a mom!" then rolled his eyes. It made my heart break, no mom, who has no mom, I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was a sweet smart lovey little guy and that I'm sure his mom loved him. So sad!

Also there is this little girl who is my fav from them all she is so sweet and so kind. She is also smart and so pretty and is just such a great person! She was telling me about how its so hard not living with he mom and dad. she never sees he dad and when she does she doesn't know how to act around him because she doesn't know him enough. She also went on to tell me about how she was really excited to get to spend Christmas with him this year and really have some time with him. How sweet and how sad. Its so hard this whole life thing.

Any way I spent the day doing some last minute shopping and then went to the Mans work and we cleaned the car from top to bottom and then changed the little mans seat to be forward facing. He is so big!! They grow way to fast. Man do I ever love that kid! Like I don't think I ever knew you could love someone so much but I love him more then anything and larger then I ever have loved anything in my life!

Any way Christmas is tomorrow and I'm excited for the New Year because it will be full of change no matter what so its going to be a big year I think. I love you all I miss my family! I wish we where together for the holidays but just know I love you and my heart is with you!

Merry Christmas!