Sometimes things just speak to you and let you know this is it, other times you are just straining to hear a little tiny voice say what your doing is what you are meant to be doing and nothing at all comes through. I feel like I have nothing coming through lately. I'm not sure about the work I'm doing right now or what I should be doing instead. I'm not sure where my future is going to take me. I'm not sure if I'm happy where I am living. I'm not sure if my partner is the right person for me. I'm not sure if I want the things I say I want. I'm not sure about a lot and mostly I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. I feel a little at odds with life at the moment. In fact the only thing I am sure about is that I love my son and I am so over joyed he is in my world. But what that world is, thats up for questioning. I'm also not really sure where this is all coming from. I feel like I should be doing something but I don't really have the time or money (mainly money) to do it. Also I'm not sure I have the dedication I would need right now in order to achieve it. So what should I do in the mean time? Well I have the answer for that also but I just have to find it.
I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.
There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.
I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 04, 2012
10 on Wednesday
So my sister has been doing this 10 on Tuesday thing and I am board and not feeling so great so I thought I would do my today. . . 10 on Wednesday :)
1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!
2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.
3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.
4. Do you like accents?
Yes!
5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.
6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!
7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!
8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that
9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!
10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.
On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!
I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.
Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!
1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!
2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.
3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.
4. Do you like accents?
Yes!
5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.
6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!
7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!
8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that
9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!
10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.
On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!
I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.
Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!
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