so lonely

Well its been awhile yet again and I didn't win the big prize but am thankful for be one out of 98 people who where finalist!

I write tonight because I had a sudden smack in the face of how lonely I am. I drove around so much today just wasting gas because I didn't want to sit at home alone it felt almost unbearable! The thing about life that is the oddest to me is that we are all so really truly alone and we all strive to have a connection in our lives if only for a second or a hour. It is very silly to me that I am so uncomfortable some times being alone. I mean really it should be alright.

I sick of being alone! I'm sick of doing everything by myself! I'm sick of wondering why I feel like the only person on the planet who feels so out of touch with people and the world. I'm sick of wondering who I am and when I lost myself. I'm sick of it!

I just ahhh I just want what we all one someone to spend the days with, the time with, the moments with. Not even a guy in my life but people who are true and there for me. My closest friend is all in family mode with her boyfriend living with her, and then everyone else I knew just is no longer around. You know it sucks, where are friends where is this thing that we are all suppose to have. Am I the only one with nothing? bah

Ok so I'm feel sorry for myself tonight and yes I am a little down these days because I feel like I'm missing the point to all this. I feel like I have lost hope, and that is a destusting feeling, I dream of so much and I have so much faith in things but right now bottom of the freaken world. It just seems hopeless and I wonder some times what the hell am I doing with my life. NO I'm not going crazy, although some times I wish I would at lest then I might have someone to talk to.

Just feel sorry for myself and wondering what the heck is the point right now. knock it up to a shity day.

Tomorrow will be better, I know this! Today is a write off and tomorrow is something I am waiting for. But I dread the end of the weekend I hate my job, although I'm getting sent to Regina next week which is pretty cool.... why you might ask well that is because I have personally been asked to go train the people there on how to manage there job and do all that I do. I have developed this crazy little 101 guide and its pretty great. But here is the great thing and more then likely also why I'm feeling this way. Is no one cares, not my boss, not my ED, not anyone, its just like yes you are going good for you that you where specially requested, who the fuck cares...no one. I can't wait to leave that place its so evil and such negitivity it sucks out my spirit and makes me THIS! This sad, lonely, uninspiried mess of a person, isn't it lovely. AHHH

Good news, I will have an interview coming up for a job I truly want at a place that really believe in and I want this more then anything I can even taste it! I have been trying so hard to find another job and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I'm meant to be torn to pieces by those women to the point where I am a mindless person with no hope, and alone.... SUPER GREAT! :(

Any way I'm alive. and that is my update and now I am going to lay in a dark room under a mountain of covers and hope that this all just goes away!

Good night world.... Sleep sweetly.