Sunday, September 07, 2008

Where the hell have I been?

Well its been a long long time almost 2 months since I last wrote... whats going on in my life now, huh same stuff different day. Still in a job that I hate, but only its getting worse, which means I now hate more then anything to have to go there and just sit in front of that stupid computer screen and try and pass the hours. This life I'm leading right now has gotten me to the point of true unhappiness! I who am normally a happy out going bubbly person am now a drown and all I want is for it to all end. The other day I went to my old work to do a presentation and I felt alive and full again. I was doing something great for others and it shook my very core of being and I realized something this is it, that is what I'm meant to do. Teach, educated, inspire mind to be more. So I am going to work on paying down my student loan and go back to school to get my education degree I think or something because this life will end my soul and that is no way to live at all!

Last night I went to an Artist Gala... alone, and it was amazing! The sounds, the sights, and the feeling of all around was something out of a story book. Just when all the people in one room see something that takes them away from what ever it is that they call everyday life it is truly something else. I have a drive for much these days, call it trying to fill my life with external joy. My old job use to make me so happy I didn't get out there and do much and these days I'm doing so much. I went to something they call global fest here and it was pretty amazing, again going alone. I have gone to everything alone. Its very lonely here!

I have one friend really that is it. She is a great friend but always busy with her own life. Everyone else who I know are just people I talk to from time to time, but only one friend. I've been on a mission to meet someone and I think it is starting to pain me more then really get me out there. I wonder what happened to when people where honest and not just trying to see how many chicks they can nail. I am not one of those chicks but it really shows how someone is when they say or do on thing and then nothing comes from anything. I have given myself a time frame because really there is no reason for me to be in this place. I came for a stupid reason, I stayed for a great one and now I'm hear because its all I know. Even if I did move back to my home land there is not much there for me. My oldest friends are all in there lives and so happy and I never speak to them any more. I'm not that close with my family and so it would be like living a million miles away no matter what. It would be starting all over again. And I'm not doing all that badly here really. But unhappiness is driving me to a place that is low and dark and full of things that make me feel insecure and lost.

Wow an eye opener of loneliness! That's really what is going on here I'm sure, well not all of it cause I really do hate my job but the source of my despair is wrapped up in an ugly little bow called loneliness! Today I am off to the market to walk around alone feeling inadequacy and eventually coming home with a scene of unwell being. Wish me luck. haha

Well at lest I can laugh about it still, its when the laughter stops that's when the real problem will start.

Somewhere along the way I lost part of who I was, rediscovering that has been both joyful and painful. It is still hard to think that life has taken me the way it has for some divine plan that we are all totally unaware of and yet part of. Some how I will raise above all of this but the ladder is high and the sight seems like a long path and for some reason it scares the living crap out of me.

That's it for today.... I will try to be more on the ball with this thing.

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