Wow!

I think god heard me... I am both amazed and shocked by what happened today... something clicked and I felt like for the first time the man got it and he really said something that will stick with me forever. It made me cry soo hard because I never thought he would get it and then it just happened and it was like something in me released some of this anger. I think we might be ok and this is the first time where in my soul I have felt that. That this might all be ok and we will get through this stronger and better then before and that my friends is simply amazing to think about.

So on with the book... I have started in on the healing stuff and now that I think today happened I might be able to really connect with it. I really hope that this is the start I can't think about going back from here but it has happened a few times where I feel really good about stuff and then he just fucks up again. But I think its different because a small weight has been lifted off of me and let me know that he really knows the damage that happened and that it was so wrong.

So where to from here. Well we might move... that would be a start to a new life for sure I have a little network here of mommy friends and all that jazz so that would be sad but I do think its time to leave this city. I was just hoping we would be moving west, not north! boo to that. I want to go west the winds are calling me home and I just want to be closer to everyone and everything that I love.

Any way I just would like to thank the lord for hearing my cry for help. I'm really not the religious type but I truly feel like I was heard and got what I needed today!

All joking aside

Okay God if you are out there this is it I'm really just in need of a big monster sign that I am doing stuff right here. Is that to much to ask? I know your busy with all the other issues in the world that I'm sure are much more vast then mine but please I just really need to know if the choices I'm making are truly just total rubbish and I just need to stop and see that its never going to be right. Things aren't even that bad things are pretty good but I feel like I'm going mad!

Who new this is how things would work out, really! I just really am ready to not have to worry any more to not feel so nuts. I'm reading a book right now that seems to be helping me make some good sense of what I've been going through here and I am thankful I have read it thus far but it really has made me pretty mad and question a lot. I'm not at the point in the book where its suppose to start helping and man I sure hope it does. Cause honestly I just want something joyful in my life again. I want to fight for me and my joy. I want to shine so bright that you need sunglasses to even get a look at how amazing I am! You know something, I am amazing I have so much to offer to the world and I know that my purpose here has been put on hold because of a few things but I'm ok with that for now. I just know that I am ready to start living again and stop holding on to all this shit and I really just need to know that this is right or not.

I think the book is helping but it takes so long to read! I hate being a slow reader and I hate that I have a hard time doing it. I'm only a 1/4 way through and its been days! Well at least I'm doing it right? Any way before my love gets up I need to go eat and stuff so I'm going to end there.

I kinda miss my family also, I wish I felt like they where more involved in my life I could use some soild support and love right now from people who are really there just for my joy and I feel really alone. 

Coming to a close

Well things are coming to a close and I feel like we might be making progress. I'm not totally sure that this is the right thing for me to keep doing right now but I am also feeling like I have no choice but to see how it goes. Man having kids makes things a lot harder! I feel pretty alone and kind of empty inside right now. I feel really disconnected from everything and just hope that I can start going back to the person I once was. Thats really what matters to me. I am that person somewhere and I just want to feel joy again.

I know I've never been good at letting things go but this is the one thing I think I just need to let the universe have and see how it all happens. I feel like I am a good person and good things happen to good people so I'm hoping that karma will come on in and give me some love. 

I feel defeated lately like the life has been sucked out of me. I think I need a hobby or something to bring some life back into me but what? I use to love, not true still love, to sing and I was thinking of finding a singing group to join but who has the time for that? I'm also not sure I would be supported in wanting to do that or if someone would just guilt me for being out of the house and not at home some times... I also would like to buy a camera, but am kinda broke. I would like to start shooting some stuff I think I have a pretty good eye and I wonder if I could make some side money doing that. I love taking photos and getting those special moments. But thats on the back right now. I also would like to start my own practice doing some consulting but don't really have the time right now.

Hmm what else the man has interviewed a lot lately but all in another stupid city in this stupid province and non back in the home land which makes me sad! I want to go home so bad!!! I miss how beautiful it is there. I would love to be closer to some people and I wish others carried enough to come here. I can't believe that at my age I feel totally abandoned by people who where major factors in my life. I can't believe how shitty they have made me feel and I can't believe I have allowed it. Although that does explain why I allow some super shitty shit to happen in my life. huh thats a eye opening moment... Maybe I'm doing this because it feels like something I have experienced before. wow to much to take in right now. Any way I just wanted to up date and right now I'm a little numb and a lot concerned for my future but I still have hope so thats promising!