Well its been a bad few days and I am feeling emotionally run over and totally just exhausted! I feel like its a giant F you and more over a big old I couldn't give shit. So life now is my little family, me and my little man. The mans future and mine is a little uncertain, but as for my extended relatives that's it I'm with out ties and with out them!
I have some wonderful choice words for these people however I am not going to be like them and take the higher road and just leave it. It takes a pretty ugly person to do and say the things I have heard and seen from these people. Enjoy your ugly I'm not going to be part of it.
Any way thats all for now and I don't think I will be writing here any more. So cheers to you all thanks for reading all my hard times, all my good times.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Uncertain about future
Well today the Man officially quite his job which means that we are for sure going to end up not being here soon. I'm not sure how I totally feel about that, excited and scared! It sounds like he wants to rent for a little bit to start until we can rent this place out our sell and then get something new. I am really excited to have a new start somewhere but at the same time I'm really hoping that its in BC... we will see I guess.
What else is new well the in laws arrive today! Yippie that means I will get a little bit of a break and have some time to organize a bit an maybe think about packing as the Mans job starts in about three weeks.... lord!
I wonder how long after my interview coming up soon will I here about if I get the position or not. Cause if I get that job we are going to move somewhere else and the Man might be a stay at home dad for a little while well I work for a bit. What ever happens its going to be different and its going to be new... I'm a little nervous about our future right now and what might happen but mostly I'm super excited that we are going to be making a new start somewhere else.
I have an appointment today to get some test results... I'm a little worried about that but hoping that they are going to say everything is fine and I worry for no reason! My cousins husband passed away in an accident at home the other day and his funeral is today. This is someone I have know since I was little, and honestly I hated him! He was such a bad person to me, he picked on me almost every day for years and I hated him. That said I would never wish what happened to him upon anyone, it is very sad that his little girl found him and I am heart broken for my cousin life is taken from us so easily. This event has made me evaluate a few things here with my situation and I'm feeling more and more like good things need to happen. I need to see some constant positive change quickly here.
Any way I should get going I'm feeling chatty and could write forever right now but I would like to have a rest well my love sleeps.
What else is new well the in laws arrive today! Yippie that means I will get a little bit of a break and have some time to organize a bit an maybe think about packing as the Mans job starts in about three weeks.... lord!
I wonder how long after my interview coming up soon will I here about if I get the position or not. Cause if I get that job we are going to move somewhere else and the Man might be a stay at home dad for a little while well I work for a bit. What ever happens its going to be different and its going to be new... I'm a little nervous about our future right now and what might happen but mostly I'm super excited that we are going to be making a new start somewhere else.
I have an appointment today to get some test results... I'm a little worried about that but hoping that they are going to say everything is fine and I worry for no reason! My cousins husband passed away in an accident at home the other day and his funeral is today. This is someone I have know since I was little, and honestly I hated him! He was such a bad person to me, he picked on me almost every day for years and I hated him. That said I would never wish what happened to him upon anyone, it is very sad that his little girl found him and I am heart broken for my cousin life is taken from us so easily. This event has made me evaluate a few things here with my situation and I'm feeling more and more like good things need to happen. I need to see some constant positive change quickly here.
Any way I should get going I'm feeling chatty and could write forever right now but I would like to have a rest well my love sleeps.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Caught in the middle
Well today I found out I passed a test that I thought for sure I flopped on and that was a great feeling. I feel like I am much more able then I give myself credit for. I also told a very good opportunity that I need to back away from it because might be moving in a few months. Also because I wasn't feeling good about some of the things they wanted to know about me. Or having to talk to other people about them... So I just decided to not do it. But the shitty thing is now I have to lie to someone else and I don't like that feeling at all!
I honestly hope I do well on an interview I have coming up I think the relocation would be good for me and allow me to be somewhere that gives my lovely little man the chance to get to know some people who I wish he knew. It also gets me into a job that offers me some great benefits and a way to retire some day... which is a good thing and something I think I need. Just means my stay at home mom days would be over and that makes me a little sad cause I really love spending time with my son. I however think it would be excellent for him to go out and become more of his own person. But I will miss him a whole lot! It makes me really sad to think about not having as much time with him. Sometimes I still wish I worked even a little bit just for a break but I really love being with him. I know he is safe, I know he is well taken care of and I am there if he needs me. Tonight he got a bad cut on his eye lid. Dad wasn't watching... but I made it better I fixed him up gave him some love and made it better.
I just feel really caught in between a rock and a hard place! Also the job back home would mean that if I wanted to end things with the man that it would be a whole lot easier to do so, that way I applied for it in the first place cause I was totally set on going home at that point. Any way I just wanted to up date I'm feeling better these days but wonder what life has in store for me over these next few months. I'm sure it will be all a lot of change whatever it is...
Love to all and to all good night
I honestly hope I do well on an interview I have coming up I think the relocation would be good for me and allow me to be somewhere that gives my lovely little man the chance to get to know some people who I wish he knew. It also gets me into a job that offers me some great benefits and a way to retire some day... which is a good thing and something I think I need. Just means my stay at home mom days would be over and that makes me a little sad cause I really love spending time with my son. I however think it would be excellent for him to go out and become more of his own person. But I will miss him a whole lot! It makes me really sad to think about not having as much time with him. Sometimes I still wish I worked even a little bit just for a break but I really love being with him. I know he is safe, I know he is well taken care of and I am there if he needs me. Tonight he got a bad cut on his eye lid. Dad wasn't watching... but I made it better I fixed him up gave him some love and made it better.
I just feel really caught in between a rock and a hard place! Also the job back home would mean that if I wanted to end things with the man that it would be a whole lot easier to do so, that way I applied for it in the first place cause I was totally set on going home at that point. Any way I just wanted to up date I'm feeling better these days but wonder what life has in store for me over these next few months. I'm sure it will be all a lot of change whatever it is...
Love to all and to all good night
Thursday, July 05, 2012
Where did I go?
Well things have been busy these days and I haven't had much time to write anything. I thought it was time for an up date... first of all might I say that its is +23 out and I'm in a blanket in my room because I'm so cold... why or how you ask well I cooled of the house to well! My feet are like ice!
So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.
Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!
Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!
So I was recommended this book by Dr. Laura called Proper Care and feeding of Husbands and today I listened to part of the audio book. It is interesting her ideas to me it sounds like selling out a little on the things you want in life. I think it does make some good points but at the same time I feel like I would be letting a piece of me die by doing some of the things she is suggesting in this thing. I think that The Man and I are so different and so alike that we just but heads all the time about somethings. My need to talk in detail about everything and his need to not deal with life just hurt each other. I'm not sure right now that we are going to be able to work this out together and I'm also not sure if I want the other alternative. This whole relationship has been difficult at best and I'm wondering if our foundation was build so wrong how can we correct the building from being faulty now.
Maybe I should ask him that.... after I give him a hug and attention cause thats what Dr. Laura kinds says to do. Oh and complement him... what the hell honestly she is really talking about manipulation of your partner to get what you want and I'm not sure I like that. I guess I also don't like some of the ideas in this book because its all about the women changing and nothing about the men learning. I guess that bothers me a lot and part of why I'm having a hard time with my situation. All there is, is blame, blame, blame, and then when you ask me for something I'm going to treat you like shit. Well not always but a lot!
Every time I think we are moving forward in this and making some progress it gets derailed totally by someone (mostly him) thinking its ok to be rude to me and that he did the work around some issues and that enough. Well news flash its not! I don't think this is worth it. I guess I have a short time to figure it out cause all this is getting old and honestly I think if I had the money I would have left this morning because I feel sick about how he is making me feel and I feel sick about how I am making him feel and most of all I feel sick about the impact this will have on my lovely impressionable son!
I feel broken
I feel lost
I feel deflated
I feel hurt
I feel anger
I feel alone
But deep in all these gross feelings that make me feel icky and unhappy I still feel hope, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?
Any way I'm going to go for now I really need to vent and didn't expect to do that via blog but thats what happened and I guess needed to!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)