10 days in

Well we are 10 days into our 30 day thing and things are pretty good, great even I would dear to say. We have had a few arguments but they have gone really well. Surprising well. No crazy swearing no load voices no nothing just talking about it and how its bothering us and then moving on... Its a little odd to tell you the truth cause I have no idea why it could have been like this the whole time...

Any way nothing thinking about that I just hope the good momentum keeps going. Cool things: I made home made Tortillas, we went to a local festival and got this freaking wicked ball that is hand made out of fabric and then you put a balloon inside and blow it up its awesome. Best idea ever!

I've been reading this blog lately that I got from my sister called 100 Days of Real Food super cool web site and has gotten me back to wanting to eat healthy again. The last time this happened was when I read a book about local eating and did the 100 mile challenge. I felt GREAT doing that but it was really really hard so this one I think might be a little easier for me and will do me and my family well. So I think we will start small and change just a few things at one time and work on getting all the Junk out of the house.

What else... I also think I'm going to start shopping local stores cause I think that big corps are killing the small towns and even tho I don't live in a small town I think that my big city thoughts don't help those small towns that are going to die because of places like walmart. Blah... not cool. Plus I like the Mom and Dad kind of stores they are so much more comfortable to shop in!

Any way what else oh yeah sister forgot to tell you that I tried to go to the tourism place here again with your magazines and you never joined! booo so any way I dropped them in the "In Laws" area in three different cities. Your Welcome! :P

Any way I'm in a pretty good mood today and should have a rest before the little man gets up and i need to go to work. 

Can 30 days really make a differance?

Well today the man has let me know what he wants to do he wants to do this for 30 more days and at the end of this we will know if this is going to work or not. Or so he seems to think. Now the funny thing with this is the mans dad did the same thing with his mom, but it was right after the man was born. Fuck do you see something the same her. Thank you for that, god! Any way I'm glad in a way that he wants to give it a go to really fix shit but at the same time am I really just wasting 30 days! I guess the message here is save as much as I can and make sure I have some money to get out with. I'm really not sure about all this yet but I'm kind of willing to give it a chance I don't think its going to work but you know I need to change my mind set on that before I get back or I will just make sure it doesn't work.

I'm in BC for one more day and then heading back on Sunday. I want to get an early start and get out of here with some good time under my way. I for sure don't want to be driving on Monday cause everyone will be woo May Long. Plus I kinda just want to get back home to do my thing. I miss playing with my son, I'm totally happy he loves his grampy so much but I have not spent much time with him this last week. I am going to write and leave a thank you letter for the "in laws" I think also just because they really don't need to do as much as they do for my love and I. They have been wonderful to both of us and I appreciate them very much!

What else well I'm not totally sure I'm so at a loss on this all right now that I just am not sure how I feel about it. I want to cry because I'm hurt but I want to try this because I feel like I owe it to my son to do so. I also just kind of want to get on with life at this point. This was to be the year of happy and thus far it is so not that! Its the year of tears. Hurting hearts and broken dreams. I always wanted to be a mom it was the one thing that I couldn't wait for and was excited about, this is not the way it was suppose to be and that is hard because it is not how I pictured it with the man. I know not everthing is perfect but this is just so diffcult that I really just feel worn and broken. Any way I'm not sure when my hope left the building but its gone right now and I'm going to believe that tomorrow after some good sleep it might come back.

Good night world 

Hope

Hope is an interesting thing, it drives us to want to do better and be better and wait for things that might not ever come but that will drive us to continue on in just simple hope. Hope is a thought of something that isn't, it is something fabricated and it isn't real but with out hope we loss a piece of humanity. Hope... Well I have hope, hope that something will inspire me to have a better life, I have hope of joy, and I have hope of being happy with my life. And you know I am over all a happy person but lately have been not so happy with life and how things are going. Mostly with how people/person has been treating me. At this point I am ready to restart my life because I am not so sure that I or what I have to offer is what The Man wants but maybe I am wrong.

I have spent a lot of time talking to may "mother inlaw" this past little while and I am beginning to understand HIM a little more but I wish I was 'safe' enough for him to talk to. There are some big things that click a lot more and now I understand why he has such a problem with them. But I wish he could just tell me these things. Its not right that I learn though his mom but at least I get it more. That doesn't mean his actions and the way he does things is right but it makes things a lot more understandable!

I hope that Friday I will have my answer for what the next chapter of my life will look like, and part of me hopes it is with him because I care about him even though he hasn't been great to me, and I care about our relationship and the future with his child. BUT the other part of me hopes he just says this really isn't what I want so I can just move on and be done with this part of my life and begin the healing. This will take a long time from this past experience it took  two years from the last one to this one and I think this one will be even longer. Which is hard for me because being alone scares me, but I am also ready to take that on and learn from it and be ok with being alone. Besides I have my boy so I will never be alone again I will always have him. I love him so and you for all the bad stuff that has gone on and for all the pain and heart ake I have endured, My love makes every single minute worth it because I got him from this. So as hard as this all is I am also the most blessed person in the whole worth because of him.

So there that is I have hope no matter which direction this goes I have hope. This makes me stronger and ready for whatever is to come, no matter what its going to be hard and painful and work but I have hope!

Up date...

Well things are a little more chill in my house and I am feeling a little bit better. The police talked to him and they are not pressing charges at the moment. He is not coming home tonight but will be here for 10am tomorrow to talk a few things over. I'm not totally sure yet what will happen yet or what I want but I know all this needs to end now. I'm at a cross roads here, I have no idea what the right move is. Well thats not totally true I think a small part of me knows what the most positive out come would be but I also feel like I just need someone to have a wake up call about what is going on here and make some big choices. I really want a joyful life and I really hoped he would be part of that. I don't want to be answering questions about him that I can't answer, I don't want my son to hate me for taking him away from his dad. I don't want to have to deal with all of that and most of all I don't want him to feel the pain that will go with all of that. That sucks... because it means I am causing my son a world of pain in his future and that breaks my heart. I can live with out the man, I will some day meet someone else who will do right by me. But to break my sons heart just makes me feel like the worlds worst mother.

I don't want to hurt my son, I don't want to be hurt any more and I still have no clue what I will do I guess I will have to wake up tomorrow with some kind of choice. I just hope I can stand up for what is going to be the best choice for me and my love. This life is once and I will not live it like this, I will not allow someone to do this to me or show my son a poor example of what a man is. Lord grant me strength in my heart and stillness in my mind.

Is this how it ends and starts?

Today was a totally melt down of showing true colours of a person. I am at a loss on how it got to this point and can not believe that after all the benefit of the doubt I have given this is what it comes to and this is how it ends. The starting piece is a start to a new life, a life that will be hard, a life that will no longer be full of hurt and contempt. A life that I will be proud to have. I'm am choosing us (me and my little man) I am choosing joy, I am choosing life. Now how do I get there? Thats the hard part everything is more difficult with a child in the picture because I have to consider what is best for him and me. This is not! This is the worst, so now I just need to get out of here and start over but in order to do so I have to go to court and get full rights to my son so that he never again will have to endure the pain of that man!

So now what, well the police just came back because my statement was a little odd in a few spots why well cause I don't want to get in put in jail or have a criminal offence charge on file for the rest of him life but at the same time why should I want to protect him from that. He hurt me he should get charged. I just want my baby and I want to leave I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like I'm a gluten for punishment like why the hell didn't I leave the first time did I really like it was going to get better? REALLY well yes I did but like fuck man I didn't think it would get like this. I didn't think he would try to hurt me like that I for sure didn't think that I would be back here trying to make these choices again. My feet are cold! I'm cold, I feel like I'm going to barff and my head is spinning, can this all really be happening? Am I not better then this? Do I not need happiness? Is it really that easy for you to hurt me and run. He would not answer the police call, I have a feeling he will not talk to them which will be worse for him. I have a feeling after all this is over its going to suck having to deal with him at all. I hate that I am the one feeling like the bad guy! I hate that I am the one that will have to always feel like the bad guy! I hate that all I have done is try to keep it together and be understanding and I end up hurt.

Now I need to figure out where I want to be... here with Nicho so the man can have visits with him or away from him all together. I am pretty sure I know the right answer but that is a hard thing to choose. I feel a little broken hearted about the fact that I am ripping my sons father out of his life. Lord knows when he will see him, lord knows how often he will see him. lord knows if it will be weeks or months or years and I'm the one who will have to answer the questions. I'm the one who will have to explain why he is not around and Im the one who he will be mad at for taking him. Not his dad. ME! 

I wish I wasn't so far from home, I would pack up and go now. I don't want to be here I just want a hug and some who cares about me to hug me and some time to cry. My poor son, he didn't ask for this. How am I going to explain this to him. HELP. I feel so alone and broken and hurt right now and I just need some time to get this feeling out of me. I really should have known better I really should have stood up for myself and for him much sooner and then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. But I am and its has happened and I know things get better well you know what they are going to suck for a long long time before they get any fucking better!

any way I'm going to rest my eyes until my love gets up and then I'm not sure what we are going to do but I don't really want to hang around here I want to leave but the only place I have to go in my exinlaws right now and I really don't feel thats a good call.

ahhh just another post

Well today was a pretty wonderful day, I met my friends lovely little girl who is just 5 days old and is so small and lovely. She is so cute and so small and so wonderful. How amazing is it that we as women get to have the joy and pleasure of bring new life into this world. Amazing!! I can't wait to have more babies, or I hope to anyway. I am blessed with my one.

Anyway what else is going on well my lovely little man is doing great and he is fantastic and I love him more and more ever day. Which I didn't even think was possible cause I love him a lot to begin with but I love him more and more all each day!

The man and I are doing alright but having some difficulties and I kind of wonder if that will ever go away! Its just so hard sometimes and I wonder why I even bother. I feel like I have hit the wall about a million times and it is starting to get old. I feel pretty hurt often and I'm not sure if that will go away ether. But I'm trying and sometimes things are great like super great. Then most of the time it feels like we are roommates that only tolerate each other. lord someone tell me things work out and get better please. I don't want to live this way any more and I just feel trapped. Not always but right now. Today was a hard day for me so thats not helping. I woke up cranky, I don't feel appreciated and then I had a great afternoon but right now I'm feeling a little cranky again and just want to sleep and feel better.

What else ... well I hope I can get the little man in to a good center for July so that I can work for the summer. I'm crossing my fingers!!!

Hmm lets see inlaws are on the way tomorrow. Which means my chariot is going to be here!! woop look out bike rides here we come! Any way I'm going to run.