Man oh man

I am bad at this as a total now! I think I will just have to keep trying to do a monthly thing cause I have a hard time getting on and writing. Most of the time I have no idea what to say. So update well I'm at a new job which is very different from my last and I'm having a really hard time adjusting in this environment.

I'm still single and I give up on looking as a general whole now~! I hung out with one of my oldest guy friends and it was so weird cause I have liked him forever! And well it was nice but I just don't know. He is great and something felt really right with him but something larger felt really wrong with him. I just don't know, there is so much going on in my life right now.

Any way I have to get going to bed just thought I would let people know I was alive, I will try and update more soon!

Again forever.

So I'm really bad at updating these days. Ok here we go since the last time I wrote. No longer seeing that guy, and finally took him out of my phone book after about a month. I need to move on to better things. He was just so fantastic to me and I have clouded thoughts when I feel that way. But there are better things in the future! I have had a job interview and looking to move on in whatever way possible.

I have been just trying to be at peace with being single and not look for anything. I give up officially and when he comes along I hope I will not be so blind to miss him. It has been beautiful here the last few days and I am so happy that it looks like the summer is finally making its way back into my life!! I was thinking of taking a mini break for May long but I have to wait to see if I get my job to plan anything for sure.

I am reclaiming my life! I want things, I have goals and its time to work on me and improving my life. Woop go me go! haha Any way I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm alive and well and ready to dance in the streets. Will try to me more mindful about updates.

Cheers

hmm

Well since the last time I wrote I have been on Vacation back to the home town, which was a nice break from the norm. I finally saw that I really do like it here in Calgary but now that I'm back I'm stressed out again and feeling like my world is falling apart. I've had a really bad day today, if I would have wrote yesterday this would be a totally different story I was on cloud nine yesterday.

I feel lost today and under the weather. I was just getting healthy and can not afford to be sick at all need to make some progress at work! I'm going to up date more when I'm in a better frame of mind I just thought I would let everyone know I was alive. I'm going to bed~!

Not sure, and am wondering when I will be

So, life is this odd place that is always a little messed up. Most of time I'm not sure what is up or what is down, and right now I'm feeling more and more lost. Things with dream boy are so odd and I am not sure what to do with him anymore or if he really is the guy of my dreams and we are not dating yet this is just straight from the heart of the matter. One min he's totally into me and the next he doesn't seem like he really wants more. I'm really confused by him right now and am starting to think that maybe he is doing this for a reason. Could it all be a test?

Work is going alright but I just don't know what I want any more. I think thats the largest problem of all I just don't know as a whole what the heck I want any more. I just wish I felt like I had something to hold onto. I'm not sure when or if that is going to happen. I'm going to take some time to think this weekend about all this stuff and figure out what I need to do here. I'm going to head out now.

Brr!

So its been a bit since I have written anything, I thought it might be time to up date. First of all I'm going to start this by saying it has been really cold here these past few weeks, so cold that I felt like my lungs where going to break when I went out side. BRR! Its been an interesting few weeks. One of my dear friends is in and has been for the past well the hospital last week they told her she had MS. Its always interesting to see how other people take this harder then the person who should be taking it the worst. One of our friends has been going on and on about how this is so hard for her, how the hell is this hard for you? All you have to do is be a friend and show that you care for her, you do not have to live with this. Grow up!

I have been seeing more of the man in my life, we are not dating yet but I kind of take it that we are, I know he has not said this and there is nothing official but I only have eyes for him. Most amazing I have felt, he is just unbelievably amazing! The most amazing thing in this world is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them that much not to. I truly understand this now. After all the shit I have been through with these past years I never thought I could trust a person to myself. And this is mainly because I don't think I really ever have. I let people close to me but I never let them all the way in. He is the one I will let in and am letting in scary as all sin but at the same time totally liberating.

I see him tonight and can not wait to be in his arms safe and warm, most amazing. I have been working a lot these days and Friday I thought I was going to die, I am now well rested and ready for another week of lots of work. I'm working two jobs at the moment and getting a little burnt out but I really need the money to fix some problems. I am not totally sure where my whole like is going at the moment and I think this is the first time in the history of me that I'm okay with that. Its the oddest feeling in the world because I always feel like I have to be going towards something and right now I feel ok just being.

Any way I think I'm done for the moment I will try and up date again soon.

Hmm

So I had a job interview today that went very well, its for a second job. She is going to call my references tomorrow and then let me know, she really liked me and what I had to say she just said she needed to make sure I was as good as I sound.

I thought I would update on that guy, so I think I scared him away a little because I asked him if we where dating or not. I think I might have moved a little fast for him, because the last time I saw him he was very distant and acting a little odd. So now I have to try and rebuild what I might have broken. I really like him and would really like to see where this is all going.

I hope to see him again soon but I'm not totally sure what will happen at this point. All I can do is hope. I want to see him very much. I also hope that he is as worth it as I think he is. Any who what else is going on???

Work is going well, still wishing I made more money but what can you do, not in the field I am in for the money! My lips have been so chapped lately and not from something good like kissing! From the stupid weather, they hurt so much! I might not be drinking as much water as I should be ether so that needs to start happening.

Might make a trip back to my home town soon, that will be really nice to see the nephews and my sister. Not sure if I will see the rents while I am there but who knows. The last talk I had with mother did not go very well. No idea! Any way I think I'm down for tonight will try to write more some time soon.

Welcome 2008!

Happy New Year!

It is the end of a year and a road full of possibilities for many. A time for resolution, a time for starting a new and a time for looking back. This past year has been a roller coaster for me its been a year of sorrow, grief and lost in many ways. However it has also been a year of discovery, growth, and foundation building. I have been through more this year then what I ever thought I would have to go through, as said before a roller coaster! I would truly like this year to be the one that shines.

There are many things I would like to do and some that might be harder then others. The first of which I am starting to make moves to this Saturday. I ran into my old boss who began to ask me how I was liking my job, and I said love it, would like to make more money but love it! He offered me a job, gave me his card and said call me ASAP. Tomorrow I think I will to find out the details of what that would look like. I think this job might be good to go back to not at all in the same field which I think I really need! Will see how that all goes.

I'm hoping much for this year to come and I have no idea what it will bring. Such is life. Always hoping for the best never knowing for sure! I hope the new year brings every one a little peace, joy, happiness and love. Cheers

Something is happening

I have been seeing this guy for a little while now and I think I'm starting to really like him. I'm not sure what we are doing yet or if we are even really dating but I like him a whole lot. Last night we spent talking and laughing and falling asleep in each others arms it was beautiful. There is something very mysterious about him and I find that very intriguing. I hope that he will make some kind of commitment some day because I can not keep going on like this.

I am alone for the holidays, I was to be going back to my home town but at the last min that changed. I'm not totally sure what I will do yet, but I would like to thank all the people I know for the kind thoughts and invites to join them. I do not want to be a burden so I think I will just stay at home. I think I'm going to start making my own thing up because I don't want this to happen next year. You know its been more then a year since I have seen my parents and it does not seem that they care all that much. At lest this is home my mother is making it out to be.

I am feeling a little lost these days, its not a good thing, and I really want it to go away. I work tomorrow Christmas eve and I work, was not suppose to but am, didn't want to stay home and cry more, I think I have cried enough the last few days for a few years now. Any way I think I'm going to head out for a little bit here or do something any way. I would like to wish everyone in the world Happy Holidays and may you and yours be filled with joy.

I think my body is trying to tell me something

So I am now another year older, and I think that something is going on. I first had a really bad cold lost my voice and felt super dizzy all the time, thought I would totally better just in time for my big day. Then on that night started to feel sick. Spent last night in the No Urgent Emergency room although they made it seem like it was pretty urgent. Got an IV due to Dehydration and fever got released at like 4:30 or something. So much fun. I'm not totally sure what my body is trying to tell me but maybe its a combination of stress and not being as health, even though I thought I was doing great. I have 11 days until I get a week off which I'm hoping will be a nice change.

Any who I just wanted to update saying I'm alive, not so well but alive non the less. I hope I feel better tomorrow really need to be at work for a meeting man I just want to not feel so shitty and I really wish I had it in me to eat something. I feel hungry but I also feel like if I put anything in me its just going to be a bad idea. Need some soup that might be the easiest to get down. Any way I'm going to go now.

hehehehe fun

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

hee hee

Your Elf Name Is...

Sassy Slave O' Santa

What's Your Elf Name?

So sleepy!

I would not trade anything for last night, but I am more sleepy then I have ever been in my life. As you have guessed I'm not at my second job why you ask well thats because I'm running off of 2 hours of sleep right now and I know I need the money but I think my mental health and well being is a little more important then money. I might not be saying that later but for now I know its the right thing to do. I spend the best night ever sitting in my car with this person who has captured a great part of myself. I was up until 4 am talking and just enjoying the company of this wonderful person.

I have no idea where this will all go or what it means but I know I would not trade anything in the world for last night. It was more then fantastic! It was like a painting that will forever be engraved in my minds eye. I hope that this person wants to see me again I truly don't think that he would be that kind of person but all I know is I want to be in his presents again. I think that I am a little in over my head, but I like it! I say this because he is something wonderful and I have never been so overwhelmed before. I'm going to call my second job tonight a little later on to make sure I still go on Wednesday I hope that works out for the best but I will not know for sure until later.

I'm not sure what else to write at the moment, I am so sleepy I think I'm going to go lay down for a bit and hope not to fall asleep right away because I don't want to mess up my schedule to much. Any way I'm going to get going, will write more soon.

The last weekend of freedom

I start my second job tomorrow, who thought in my professional life that I would need a second job. Its not just about the money it helps but I really need something to distract me from the loneness in my life. I am just sick of being alone all the time at this point what a better way to avoid that then make ones self more busy then anything else. Tomorrow I don't even come home just from one job to another. I will not be home until after 10, come home sleep get up go to work. This will be my life for the next little while we will see how long I will be able to do this for before I go crazy but for now I'm going to give it a try and will see.

I am feeling really out of it these days and I'm not sure why or what I need to do to get things back on track I don't know what I even need. I know that working from 8am till 10pm with an hour break between does not sound like fun to me, when I know that hour will be spent in traffic! Hmmm the more I think about this it sounds like a stupid idea, I think I might start looking for a job that pays more! I think that might be a good idea any way I'm starting to have a hard time living where I live with whom I live due to work stuff. Its not working as well as I thought it would. We get alone fine and everything is great just the work stuff when that comes into play it makes this really hard!

Who knows will have to see what happens maybe I'll start looking around at whats out there and see what I can get somewhere else. I love my job but I just am not sure I can keep going on like this, its a little to much for me. Any way thats all for now I'll write more soon.

Enjoying a Extra Day!

Today is an extra day off and it is great! I'm enjoying one extra day to just be clam and at ease with myself. I have to call the place where I might be able to get a second job tomorrow. I hope that all works out. I'm ready to take it on, its going to be very hard at first but I know that i need this to get on better.

I need a winter jacket so bad! Its starting to get cold here and I am getting to the point where I really need something. I only have fleece jackets right now and they are not that warm. I had an old winter jacket but I can't seem to find the other piece to it and I believe my ex still has it and seems that person will not even give me back the things I hold dear to me I really don't think I'm going to be getting back that any time soon.

Life is going alright it could be better but as for everything we always want more out of everything. I think it might be human nature as society has pushed it to be as such. I have been thinking a lot about how much longer I want to be this province and I am having a hard time finding an answer to that. Who knows any more? Does not seem like I do. Just kind of sitting waiting for a sign. Any way I just wanted to add a little up date and give some joy to my day off and thats it really.

Wanted to update!

Well its been a while now and I thought I was due for an update. I had a good weekend pretty peaceful for the most part. I'm still thinking about what I should do with my life, things seem to be pretty crazy in my life and I just don't know what is up or down these days. Things are what they are and I'm starting to wonder what I should do more then ever now. On one hand I'm very happy on the other I feel like something is missing. I'm not feeling very well tonight! I have not been feeling all that great as a total whole these days. But thats alright I know its going to pass and I like to not think about it as I feel if you feed into the illness it might win.

I have been thinking about it a lot and I don't think moving anywhere is going to solve my money problems. Everything here is pretty cheep so I'm not total sure anything will help that but me making more money! Any way I think thats about all I have to say for now. Will write more some day soon!

Feeling the need

I have the desire to go back to my home province. I'm not totally sure why, but its been this way for a while now. The only thing keeping me here is my job, which I love! So I am happy in one area in my life thats better then none! I just don't think going back home is going to make a difference at all. I've been looking into jobs and thinking a lot about school but nothing seems to fit, I need to get another job here just to get by its starting to really drain my account living here, however the places where I would be willing to live are just as expensive and I would not be able to find a job like I have and even if I did would that be the fit? No idea, I know I'm looking for something I just don't know what.

The other day at work I had my first I hate my job moment and I was blown away by that, It was such a hard day and I was just overwhelmed and my head was spinning. I'm not sure how much I like it here, I mean its a city and its alright but I'm so lonely here thats not even funny I feel so disconnected from life sometimes. I am not sure what I should do. I think I want to go back but if I do what will that mean? what will it bring me? and is it what I should be doing? Nothing is going to change here, I will have two jobs soon be working so hard that I will feel like I'm going to break and have no life really. I just want to feel whole and I know right now that I don't for some reason.

I need something I wish the world would just hurry up and show me what that is.

Trying to figure this all out

I know that some times life just happens for a reason but I'm starting to wonder what its all about. Why have I been picked to be here and what is this all for. I think I'm a little down lately. It seems like life is out to bit me in the ass these days. I know the last few posting have been really positive and you know I've had some great times these past few weeks but it just seems like I'm waiting for something that is never going to happen. Its thanks giving weekend and I feel that I have much to be thankful for but the things that I really wish I had are not present in my life at this point in time.

I've been trying to get out of my norm and do somethings that I wish I was more like, it seems to be going well but at the same time it seems like its all just not going anywhere. I just wish so many things. I'm looking for a second job because funds are super tight right now, I wish life was just a little easier. I have this need to go somewhere and do something and just live a little bit. I feel like a bit of a drown lately, get up go to work, get up go to work, wend go for drinks, finally friday roles around and all the same shit all the time wanting to do something no one to do it with. Why not get another job make more money and at lest I'm not sitting around my house feeling low.

I am going to hope that this other job I applied for comes through and that I can make enough money to get by in a better way. Thats it for now.

Vroom Vroom

WOOO HOOOO Vroom Vroom!!!!!

Thats right people I have a car! I am so happy that it is not even funny. I have waited a very long time to get a set of wheels and now I have some! I love my car, and I am so happy I am doing all by my self!!! I feel like an adult its amazing! Any way I really just wanted to up date that, cause I am so freaking happy it is not even funny.

Also I might go on a date tonight, He said he just wanted to see me so that even if he is sleepy after working he does not care :P Woo, we will see where this goes no getting my hopes up. Thats it for now I might up date more.

I feel fantastic

So I wanted to update now well I'm still on cloud nine! I just had this fantastic night spent talking and laughing with this great person. It has been so very long since I felt so wonderful and full of joy and wonderment that I am totally just happy. This person has made me smile from ear to ear and I think this is the start of a very blessed relationship ... now do not get ahead of your self I don't mean like relationship like a partner but just in the general sense that it will be a very good something. As they left they said that I was great pretty much. I just feel fantastic there is no other word for it!

I am wondering when we will get the chance to hang out again but I'm hoping that it is soon because just being in this persons presents makes me feel joy. Its a little overwhelming and I'm not totally sure what to make of this yet and I'm trying to not let myself get carried away but man its just nice to have someone make you feel so darn good. Any who I just really need to shout my joy somewhere and this is the place that felt the most fitting. I think now I might try and go to bed but I think that might be hard because I feel so uplifted.

Just a little update

So the last few days I have been home sick, I hate being sick! BOO! But I think I might be getting better cause my voice is coming back and my head is not feeling so bad. I'm going back to work tomorrow for sure! I hate missing work I always feel so unless at home, I mean there is a lot to do here but I have just been sleeping and think that is what made me feel better. I'm happy I'm not coughing as much now or feeling as bad as I did earlier. So I'm mostly moved in and everything here is going nice so thats good I think soon I'm going to start looking into buying my car. Oh yeah I'm going to buy a car! I'm totally looking forward to shopping for that one!

any way I just wanted to update and let everyone know I'm alive and hopefully going to be well soon! Thats all for now, I will update again soon!