The Weekend is my Friend!

Well I take forever to up date... what is going on in the world of me? Well still working at the same crappy job but today was fantastic so that is really good. I am kind of seeing someone and I am not totally sure where that will all go but we are to be hanging out tomorrow night. He is a nice guy but I'm not 100% sure that this is 'the one'. I have been applying for jobs everywhere I can and I keep getting the 'your personality is amazing and you have such a great spirit but not the experience we are looking for' thing and that is so frustrating its not even funny.

I had a doctors appointment that is kind scaring the crap out of me but at the same time things could be worse and I like to look on the positive side of life for the most part. I am only negative about some things and even then I try to spin it in a way that is good. I bought the BEST smelling lotion today, and the most expensive I might add, but I'm kind of in love with it so I'm happy about that.

I wish we could go back to the days when money wasn't the center of all things!

I went to a small town in the south of Alberta to do some training (teacher M haha love it) and on my way home stopped in a small town that is famous for the most silly thing ever. Facebook friends stay posted for photos that I hope to up load soon! I want to go back to school and become a teacher! But I can't afford to do this so that sucks balls! I feel like my lifes work is a calling between Social Work and Teaching both of which don't make the money I need to live, always fun!

I entered a contest to have my student loan paid off and haven't won yet but still have two weeks of draws, please every person out there send me some positive vibes on this one because that is LIFE CHANGING!

And I think my random thought that was ment to be a good post is done now.

so lonely

Well its been awhile yet again and I didn't win the big prize but am thankful for be one out of 98 people who where finalist!

I write tonight because I had a sudden smack in the face of how lonely I am. I drove around so much today just wasting gas because I didn't want to sit at home alone it felt almost unbearable! The thing about life that is the oddest to me is that we are all so really truly alone and we all strive to have a connection in our lives if only for a second or a hour. It is very silly to me that I am so uncomfortable some times being alone. I mean really it should be alright.

I sick of being alone! I'm sick of doing everything by myself! I'm sick of wondering why I feel like the only person on the planet who feels so out of touch with people and the world. I'm sick of wondering who I am and when I lost myself. I'm sick of it!

I just ahhh I just want what we all one someone to spend the days with, the time with, the moments with. Not even a guy in my life but people who are true and there for me. My closest friend is all in family mode with her boyfriend living with her, and then everyone else I knew just is no longer around. You know it sucks, where are friends where is this thing that we are all suppose to have. Am I the only one with nothing? bah

Ok so I'm feel sorry for myself tonight and yes I am a little down these days because I feel like I'm missing the point to all this. I feel like I have lost hope, and that is a destusting feeling, I dream of so much and I have so much faith in things but right now bottom of the freaken world. It just seems hopeless and I wonder some times what the hell am I doing with my life. NO I'm not going crazy, although some times I wish I would at lest then I might have someone to talk to.

Just feel sorry for myself and wondering what the heck is the point right now. knock it up to a shity day.

Tomorrow will be better, I know this! Today is a write off and tomorrow is something I am waiting for. But I dread the end of the weekend I hate my job, although I'm getting sent to Regina next week which is pretty cool.... why you might ask well that is because I have personally been asked to go train the people there on how to manage there job and do all that I do. I have developed this crazy little 101 guide and its pretty great. But here is the great thing and more then likely also why I'm feeling this way. Is no one cares, not my boss, not my ED, not anyone, its just like yes you are going good for you that you where specially requested, who the fuck cares...no one. I can't wait to leave that place its so evil and such negitivity it sucks out my spirit and makes me THIS! This sad, lonely, uninspiried mess of a person, isn't it lovely. AHHH

Good news, I will have an interview coming up for a job I truly want at a place that really believe in and I want this more then anything I can even taste it! I have been trying so hard to find another job and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I'm meant to be torn to pieces by those women to the point where I am a mindless person with no hope, and alone.... SUPER GREAT! :(

Any way I'm alive. and that is my update and now I am going to lay in a dark room under a mountain of covers and hope that this all just goes away!

Good night world.... Sleep sweetly.

Four Months Later

So I finally am updating.... it has been a long time. Still happy in my new place, in fact more happy then ever, in love with it, great location, great feel, great just great!

Work is not so good but its been like this for a while so I'm just moving forward looking for that new job that will light me up again.

Today I post because I have two excellent stories.
The first is fast... I am a finalist in a contest and might win a really amazing prize you can bet if I do I will post about that more to come after Friday!

Second... I went back to BC some time ago and brought back with me a bike, a old rusty bike which I have put back together and is working well. Today I decided to get out on it and go for a ride. Towards the end of my street I live on is not the best area. Abandoned homes, scary looking people, BIG dogs that bark as you ride by and at the end of it a field which I sat in and just enjoyed the sun and my last summer day off. Then kept on my way and found this house. This very odd house in the middle of a sad area.


So I can't load the photo's I created an album on my facebook, if we are friends you can see them there if not just know it was something else!

Any way will try to up date soon and not go so long :P

The long wait over!

Well I sit here in my new apartment alone! Finally alone. It took a long time and some super hard moments. It took realizations that you need to be patient and wait. But its here and I'm almost unpacked....I think I should be able to finish tomorrow. This past month has been full of disappointments, joy, stress, and long days. I hope that this new start brings many wonderful things to it.

I am recovering from a cold and a big head ache that I have had all day and will not seem to go away. I am on the look out for a new job now officially. I just need that part of my life to get better and then I will be in the place that I want to be. The place of true bliss and joy and happiness! The future looks bright and exciting! Can't wait.

Any way just a little up date to let any one who reads this know I'm alive and well and in my new place! WOOP

Until soon.

To Wait

Well I have offically moved and am homeless staying with a friend for 18 more days... which seems like forever at this point. I feel like such an ass having to stay with someone. Thank god for good people still in this world. I have given my sercurity deposit for the new place and I look forward to getting in there and making it my own.

Work is going alright, it is work... I am still looking for that great job that fits with my skills and what I am looking for but have yet to find it. Tonight has been a pretty slow night just watching some TV and being cozy in my PJ's.

On the weekend I did a lot! I went to the Symphony which was both amazing and breath taking and I went and saw "He's just not that into you" which I totally recommend to everyone out there. I noticed myself laughing a lot but also going oh shit I've totally been THAT girl... which then made me laugh more. It is a must see and me being the totally mushy girl that I am was all like ahhh how sweet at the end. It was worth the hipe and the wait!

Any way just a little up date to let all you readers know I'm not living in a box on crack lane... woooohhhooooo

Night

Judgement Day

So yesterday I started moving some of my things. The stuff I can fit in my car and today will be more packing the last of my things that can be packed, first need more boxes. But its Monday and the Tenant Landlord place is open but not till 8:30am. So 15 mins to wait and wonder what will be the out come of all this craziness over the weekend. Once I have spoken with them I will have them call the owner of the home and explain what my rights really are. Then ask to have them ask her to call me via cell phone and discuss what will happen from here. Then she can pass the informaiton on to my roommate.

So I sit and wait in anticapation, one of the places I was reffered to call is open now so I'm going to call them first and see what they have to say about the whole situation. Or if they just tell me to call the local service here in town. I know I want to be out by the end of the week at the latest any way and tonight over today will be the majority of the move. This is stressful and its not helping my health choices in food. Yesterday through all the stress I had a begel, a cup of yougurt, and two chicken wraps. Thats it. Not enough food to keep my body feeling well so today my whole body hurts and I am more tired then ever. Good times.

more to come.

The Strom Part two

So the police cam and I have until Monday to figure out what the hell I want to do. So far I have somewhere to stay for the month a friend who is willing to help me move all my stuff for a fee and I'm going to look at a storage unit tomorrow and on hold with Uhaul right now... boo to hold!

My Friend who said I could stay with said I could also store my things at her house but I think thats a bit to much just clothing and bathroom items would be the best. Then I don't have to feel at home I just have to know I'm staying with her until Feb 24/25... lord. What the hell was I thinking.... So I think what I will do is go and try and find some more boxes tonight pack as much as I can. I'm going to check out the rental places tomorrow, maybe rent one. Then Go to work for 3 hours come home move my big stuff that evening with my friend. Bed, Sofa, hope chest, and maybe a truck load of boxes. What ever is left move in my car. Take Monday off move everything out come in clean the place cause I'm nice and then take me and my clothing to my friends for the month. I don't really want to be here with the Massive anger in the air. Its not mentally healthy!

On a Highlight I go the phone call about an hour ago that I got the place that I want on Monday I will go to sign all the papers :D I'm pretty happy about that!!! Really I'm totally flipping out but the excitment is small as I have a lot to do. Sooooo I guess I should get my ass in gear and start doing some stuff. I have a tone of little crap that I want to pack up and get into a box... its going to be a long few days! woop And the joy of explaining this to my boss! FUN

The Strom Part one

So things are bad, really really BAD! I just got off the phone with the police who are now going to be coming to the house to mediate this because she said "Get Out, tomorrow your out, you have no rights" So I said fine I'm calling the police she said go ahead. So I did... and now they are coming. I was told to let her know they are on their way here and then stay away from her. Ok

So in stress and frustration I go to smoke leaving the door open and then it slams behind me. So here I sit stressed, upset, not totally sure what the hell is going to happen in the next 24 hours and ready to pull my hair out. Waiting for the police is just peachy.

So my friend said I can come stay with her and store my stuff there until next month and I think I might take her up on the offer as I do not want to be any where near this place right now. I just wish it wasn't happening this way and I'm worrying that she is right even though I know shes not its just scary. We will see how the rest of the night goes and I am going to start packing some things.

Till later

Dear God

Totally the Clam before the storm, I gave my notice yesterday. A copy to my roommate and a copy for her mom the Landlord. Well giving it to her she says "well I'm your land lord so my mom doesn't need it. hmm when did that change? odd so in the letter is says I will not be paying rent for the month of February as per our first agreement verbally stating I was paying First months and Last months rent. And right then Anger, nothing said but you can see it. So mad.

So I do a ton of research and am ready for this. Once I'm home later.. ding ding Let it begin Anger BIG MASSIVE Anger. She says "I am changing the locks on Sunday you are not aloud to live her for the next month". Umm NO sorry I know my rights and the law really well at this point we have a verbal contract binding in a court of Law! So fine this is about 12:00am not the best time to talk late tired anger not the greatest kind.

So this morning make many more phone calls, no one around as its the weekend. Call the police to get guidance on what I do if she should change the locks on me... Agenst the law! HAha thats right agenst the law. The police would come open the premises and I would have to move all my stuff out... ok and then I'm homeless for a month. Great

So This month I think is going to a hard month I am 100% sure I wish I could afford to just move out to where ever today but I have no notice. So I can take them to court after for damages. hmm god Okay I just needed to document this somewhere and get my barrings together before I go talk to her and let her know I would like to speak with her mother. okay wish me luck

Fun times fun times... mental note NEVER LIVE WITH ANYONE! AHHH

One Last one... because its lovely

You Are an Angel

A truly giving soul, you understand the spirit of Christmas. http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmasornamentareyouquiz/

Nice!

Your Christmas Song Is "Jingle Bell Rock"

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square In the frosty air For you, the holidays are one big party And you always end up having a little too much eggnog! http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmascarolareyouquiz/

Hahaha So true

You Are Donner

The most lovable and sweet reindeer, you're also a total dork! Why You're Naughty: You keep (accidentally) tripping the other reindeer while flying. Why You're Nice: You're always smiling, even if you've fallen flat on your horns.

dink dink :P

Okay so just as I was about to post runs through my head, Spaceballs, and the part where the little guys are saying dink dink, dink dink :P If you have not seen the movie you will think I'm totally nuts if you have maybe you will laugh, or think wow this girl has gone kind of nuts. hahaah Its the nuts I think :P

Any way in a good mood today and have been for the last little bit which is always nice! I have decided to make the move to stay in this city for one more year at min, I am going to volunteer as a Big Sister and have given a one year commitment :S scary.

So I think life is getting a little bit better still alone most of the time but I'm starting to settle into all of this. Its a little weird to think that I am at this point in my life where everything just seems to be moving around me and I kind of stand there and pick one or two things to jump on but when I was younger I would try to jump on them all and then loss my footing and end up face planting into something hard. OUCH

I have had a million OUCH moments where I just kind of ended up spreading myself to thin and got into trouble. hmm yeah so...

What else is new? work still sucks but I'm starting to get comfy there so the idea of moving to a place is getting scary, lord! Halloween is coming and I need to get a outfit cause I'm going to a party, but to work :P well volunteer! Winter is on the way, SAD, means most of my time will be spent inside I hate winter!

yeah I really just wanted to update cause I was bored but I'm going to head out for a bit now.

Hopefully I will write again soon.

Where the hell have I been?

Well its been a long long time almost 2 months since I last wrote... whats going on in my life now, huh same stuff different day. Still in a job that I hate, but only its getting worse, which means I now hate more then anything to have to go there and just sit in front of that stupid computer screen and try and pass the hours. This life I'm leading right now has gotten me to the point of true unhappiness! I who am normally a happy out going bubbly person am now a drown and all I want is for it to all end. The other day I went to my old work to do a presentation and I felt alive and full again. I was doing something great for others and it shook my very core of being and I realized something this is it, that is what I'm meant to do. Teach, educated, inspire mind to be more. So I am going to work on paying down my student loan and go back to school to get my education degree I think or something because this life will end my soul and that is no way to live at all!

Last night I went to an Artist Gala... alone, and it was amazing! The sounds, the sights, and the feeling of all around was something out of a story book. Just when all the people in one room see something that takes them away from what ever it is that they call everyday life it is truly something else. I have a drive for much these days, call it trying to fill my life with external joy. My old job use to make me so happy I didn't get out there and do much and these days I'm doing so much. I went to something they call global fest here and it was pretty amazing, again going alone. I have gone to everything alone. Its very lonely here!

I have one friend really that is it. She is a great friend but always busy with her own life. Everyone else who I know are just people I talk to from time to time, but only one friend. I've been on a mission to meet someone and I think it is starting to pain me more then really get me out there. I wonder what happened to when people where honest and not just trying to see how many chicks they can nail. I am not one of those chicks but it really shows how someone is when they say or do on thing and then nothing comes from anything. I have given myself a time frame because really there is no reason for me to be in this place. I came for a stupid reason, I stayed for a great one and now I'm hear because its all I know. Even if I did move back to my home land there is not much there for me. My oldest friends are all in there lives and so happy and I never speak to them any more. I'm not that close with my family and so it would be like living a million miles away no matter what. It would be starting all over again. And I'm not doing all that badly here really. But unhappiness is driving me to a place that is low and dark and full of things that make me feel insecure and lost.

Wow an eye opener of loneliness! That's really what is going on here I'm sure, well not all of it cause I really do hate my job but the source of my despair is wrapped up in an ugly little bow called loneliness! Today I am off to the market to walk around alone feeling inadequacy and eventually coming home with a scene of unwell being. Wish me luck. haha

Well at lest I can laugh about it still, its when the laughter stops that's when the real problem will start.

Somewhere along the way I lost part of who I was, rediscovering that has been both joyful and painful. It is still hard to think that life has taken me the way it has for some divine plan that we are all totally unaware of and yet part of. Some how I will raise above all of this but the ladder is high and the sight seems like a long path and for some reason it scares the living crap out of me.

That's it for today.... I will try to be more on the ball with this thing.
Cheers~

Extra Extra Monthly update!!

Gezz I suck at writing these days... so where to start?

I have a new job that I dislike because it does not fit right, its like that shoe that is two sizes too small looks cute on and totally amazing but by the end of the night you are thinking "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING"! Oh yeah thats right I'm not happy WOOH

So I emailed my old CEO yesterday asking if there was any way to come back in any capacity because I believe in what they are doing, I have not heard from her yet. I sure hope that I do, so I'm on a mission to find something else back in the field that I was in before because I found my passion and my drive and I was in love with my life.

The man front... oh and back thats right folks I am still single woop woop! But you know that movie 50 first dates totally sweet and lovely and wonderful all fluffy and pretty him making her fall in love with him every day, sigh... so not my life! However I have dated more then I have ever dated in my whole life... and its fun, met some cool dudes who are totally clueless as to what a find I am. One guy thinks the world of me and could I be any less interested eww! Then there is this other one that totally wants to date and have fun, he's alright but I already know he is not the guy for me. Then this guy who is totally great husband material but is totally 100% emotionally unavailable due to the fact that he just split with his ex of 7.5 years.... man can I pick them. Oh yeah and all the dates that go great and then there is a second date and it bits the mighty one! Thats always fun.... so still looking but I know he is there somewhere in the mix.

hmm what else can I tell you.... ? yup I think thats it, life sucks ass right now, but I'm working on it and I just have to remember how nice its going to be once this is all done with. ahhhh that feels good saying that. All in all besides the crap I'm a pretty happy camper because at lest it is not like it use to be and that makes me smile ear to ear. And the sheer dream of what my life is going to look like that helps make me smile as well. All good things, I have not been to work in the past few days can you tell can you can you ???

Any way I'm going to call it a night and head to my bed, well really I'm going out to look at the stars but yeah I will make sure to try and update at lest once a month.

Ciao

Man oh man

I am bad at this as a total now! I think I will just have to keep trying to do a monthly thing cause I have a hard time getting on and writing. Most of the time I have no idea what to say. So update well I'm at a new job which is very different from my last and I'm having a really hard time adjusting in this environment.

I'm still single and I give up on looking as a general whole now~! I hung out with one of my oldest guy friends and it was so weird cause I have liked him forever! And well it was nice but I just don't know. He is great and something felt really right with him but something larger felt really wrong with him. I just don't know, there is so much going on in my life right now.

Any way I have to get going to bed just thought I would let people know I was alive, I will try and update more soon!

Again forever.

So I'm really bad at updating these days. Ok here we go since the last time I wrote. No longer seeing that guy, and finally took him out of my phone book after about a month. I need to move on to better things. He was just so fantastic to me and I have clouded thoughts when I feel that way. But there are better things in the future! I have had a job interview and looking to move on in whatever way possible.

I have been just trying to be at peace with being single and not look for anything. I give up officially and when he comes along I hope I will not be so blind to miss him. It has been beautiful here the last few days and I am so happy that it looks like the summer is finally making its way back into my life!! I was thinking of taking a mini break for May long but I have to wait to see if I get my job to plan anything for sure.

I am reclaiming my life! I want things, I have goals and its time to work on me and improving my life. Woop go me go! haha Any way I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm alive and well and ready to dance in the streets. Will try to me more mindful about updates.

Cheers

hmm

Well since the last time I wrote I have been on Vacation back to the home town, which was a nice break from the norm. I finally saw that I really do like it here in Calgary but now that I'm back I'm stressed out again and feeling like my world is falling apart. I've had a really bad day today, if I would have wrote yesterday this would be a totally different story I was on cloud nine yesterday.

I feel lost today and under the weather. I was just getting healthy and can not afford to be sick at all need to make some progress at work! I'm going to up date more when I'm in a better frame of mind I just thought I would let everyone know I was alive. I'm going to bed~!

Not sure, and am wondering when I will be

So, life is this odd place that is always a little messed up. Most of time I'm not sure what is up or what is down, and right now I'm feeling more and more lost. Things with dream boy are so odd and I am not sure what to do with him anymore or if he really is the guy of my dreams and we are not dating yet this is just straight from the heart of the matter. One min he's totally into me and the next he doesn't seem like he really wants more. I'm really confused by him right now and am starting to think that maybe he is doing this for a reason. Could it all be a test?

Work is going alright but I just don't know what I want any more. I think thats the largest problem of all I just don't know as a whole what the heck I want any more. I just wish I felt like I had something to hold onto. I'm not sure when or if that is going to happen. I'm going to take some time to think this weekend about all this stuff and figure out what I need to do here. I'm going to head out now.

Brr!

So its been a bit since I have written anything, I thought it might be time to up date. First of all I'm going to start this by saying it has been really cold here these past few weeks, so cold that I felt like my lungs where going to break when I went out side. BRR! Its been an interesting few weeks. One of my dear friends is in and has been for the past well the hospital last week they told her she had MS. Its always interesting to see how other people take this harder then the person who should be taking it the worst. One of our friends has been going on and on about how this is so hard for her, how the hell is this hard for you? All you have to do is be a friend and show that you care for her, you do not have to live with this. Grow up!

I have been seeing more of the man in my life, we are not dating yet but I kind of take it that we are, I know he has not said this and there is nothing official but I only have eyes for him. Most amazing I have felt, he is just unbelievably amazing! The most amazing thing in this world is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them that much not to. I truly understand this now. After all the shit I have been through with these past years I never thought I could trust a person to myself. And this is mainly because I don't think I really ever have. I let people close to me but I never let them all the way in. He is the one I will let in and am letting in scary as all sin but at the same time totally liberating.

I see him tonight and can not wait to be in his arms safe and warm, most amazing. I have been working a lot these days and Friday I thought I was going to die, I am now well rested and ready for another week of lots of work. I'm working two jobs at the moment and getting a little burnt out but I really need the money to fix some problems. I am not totally sure where my whole like is going at the moment and I think this is the first time in the history of me that I'm okay with that. Its the oddest feeling in the world because I always feel like I have to be going towards something and right now I feel ok just being.

Any way I think I'm done for the moment I will try and up date again soon.