Wow!

I think god heard me... I am both amazed and shocked by what happened today... something clicked and I felt like for the first time the man got it and he really said something that will stick with me forever. It made me cry soo hard because I never thought he would get it and then it just happened and it was like something in me released some of this anger. I think we might be ok and this is the first time where in my soul I have felt that. That this might all be ok and we will get through this stronger and better then before and that my friends is simply amazing to think about.

So on with the book... I have started in on the healing stuff and now that I think today happened I might be able to really connect with it. I really hope that this is the start I can't think about going back from here but it has happened a few times where I feel really good about stuff and then he just fucks up again. But I think its different because a small weight has been lifted off of me and let me know that he really knows the damage that happened and that it was so wrong.

So where to from here. Well we might move... that would be a start to a new life for sure I have a little network here of mommy friends and all that jazz so that would be sad but I do think its time to leave this city. I was just hoping we would be moving west, not north! boo to that. I want to go west the winds are calling me home and I just want to be closer to everyone and everything that I love.

Any way I just would like to thank the lord for hearing my cry for help. I'm really not the religious type but I truly feel like I was heard and got what I needed today!

All joking aside

Okay God if you are out there this is it I'm really just in need of a big monster sign that I am doing stuff right here. Is that to much to ask? I know your busy with all the other issues in the world that I'm sure are much more vast then mine but please I just really need to know if the choices I'm making are truly just total rubbish and I just need to stop and see that its never going to be right. Things aren't even that bad things are pretty good but I feel like I'm going mad!

Who new this is how things would work out, really! I just really am ready to not have to worry any more to not feel so nuts. I'm reading a book right now that seems to be helping me make some good sense of what I've been going through here and I am thankful I have read it thus far but it really has made me pretty mad and question a lot. I'm not at the point in the book where its suppose to start helping and man I sure hope it does. Cause honestly I just want something joyful in my life again. I want to fight for me and my joy. I want to shine so bright that you need sunglasses to even get a look at how amazing I am! You know something, I am amazing I have so much to offer to the world and I know that my purpose here has been put on hold because of a few things but I'm ok with that for now. I just know that I am ready to start living again and stop holding on to all this shit and I really just need to know that this is right or not.

I think the book is helping but it takes so long to read! I hate being a slow reader and I hate that I have a hard time doing it. I'm only a 1/4 way through and its been days! Well at least I'm doing it right? Any way before my love gets up I need to go eat and stuff so I'm going to end there.

I kinda miss my family also, I wish I felt like they where more involved in my life I could use some soild support and love right now from people who are really there just for my joy and I feel really alone. 

Coming to a close

Well things are coming to a close and I feel like we might be making progress. I'm not totally sure that this is the right thing for me to keep doing right now but I am also feeling like I have no choice but to see how it goes. Man having kids makes things a lot harder! I feel pretty alone and kind of empty inside right now. I feel really disconnected from everything and just hope that I can start going back to the person I once was. Thats really what matters to me. I am that person somewhere and I just want to feel joy again.

I know I've never been good at letting things go but this is the one thing I think I just need to let the universe have and see how it all happens. I feel like I am a good person and good things happen to good people so I'm hoping that karma will come on in and give me some love. 

I feel defeated lately like the life has been sucked out of me. I think I need a hobby or something to bring some life back into me but what? I use to love, not true still love, to sing and I was thinking of finding a singing group to join but who has the time for that? I'm also not sure I would be supported in wanting to do that or if someone would just guilt me for being out of the house and not at home some times... I also would like to buy a camera, but am kinda broke. I would like to start shooting some stuff I think I have a pretty good eye and I wonder if I could make some side money doing that. I love taking photos and getting those special moments. But thats on the back right now. I also would like to start my own practice doing some consulting but don't really have the time right now.

Hmm what else the man has interviewed a lot lately but all in another stupid city in this stupid province and non back in the home land which makes me sad! I want to go home so bad!!! I miss how beautiful it is there. I would love to be closer to some people and I wish others carried enough to come here. I can't believe that at my age I feel totally abandoned by people who where major factors in my life. I can't believe how shitty they have made me feel and I can't believe I have allowed it. Although that does explain why I allow some super shitty shit to happen in my life. huh thats a eye opening moment... Maybe I'm doing this because it feels like something I have experienced before. wow to much to take in right now. Any way I just wanted to up date and right now I'm a little numb and a lot concerned for my future but I still have hope so thats promising!

10 days in

Well we are 10 days into our 30 day thing and things are pretty good, great even I would dear to say. We have had a few arguments but they have gone really well. Surprising well. No crazy swearing no load voices no nothing just talking about it and how its bothering us and then moving on... Its a little odd to tell you the truth cause I have no idea why it could have been like this the whole time...

Any way nothing thinking about that I just hope the good momentum keeps going. Cool things: I made home made Tortillas, we went to a local festival and got this freaking wicked ball that is hand made out of fabric and then you put a balloon inside and blow it up its awesome. Best idea ever!

I've been reading this blog lately that I got from my sister called 100 Days of Real Food super cool web site and has gotten me back to wanting to eat healthy again. The last time this happened was when I read a book about local eating and did the 100 mile challenge. I felt GREAT doing that but it was really really hard so this one I think might be a little easier for me and will do me and my family well. So I think we will start small and change just a few things at one time and work on getting all the Junk out of the house.

What else... I also think I'm going to start shopping local stores cause I think that big corps are killing the small towns and even tho I don't live in a small town I think that my big city thoughts don't help those small towns that are going to die because of places like walmart. Blah... not cool. Plus I like the Mom and Dad kind of stores they are so much more comfortable to shop in!

Any way what else oh yeah sister forgot to tell you that I tried to go to the tourism place here again with your magazines and you never joined! booo so any way I dropped them in the "In Laws" area in three different cities. Your Welcome! :P

Any way I'm in a pretty good mood today and should have a rest before the little man gets up and i need to go to work. 

Can 30 days really make a differance?

Well today the man has let me know what he wants to do he wants to do this for 30 more days and at the end of this we will know if this is going to work or not. Or so he seems to think. Now the funny thing with this is the mans dad did the same thing with his mom, but it was right after the man was born. Fuck do you see something the same her. Thank you for that, god! Any way I'm glad in a way that he wants to give it a go to really fix shit but at the same time am I really just wasting 30 days! I guess the message here is save as much as I can and make sure I have some money to get out with. I'm really not sure about all this yet but I'm kind of willing to give it a chance I don't think its going to work but you know I need to change my mind set on that before I get back or I will just make sure it doesn't work.

I'm in BC for one more day and then heading back on Sunday. I want to get an early start and get out of here with some good time under my way. I for sure don't want to be driving on Monday cause everyone will be woo May Long. Plus I kinda just want to get back home to do my thing. I miss playing with my son, I'm totally happy he loves his grampy so much but I have not spent much time with him this last week. I am going to write and leave a thank you letter for the "in laws" I think also just because they really don't need to do as much as they do for my love and I. They have been wonderful to both of us and I appreciate them very much!

What else well I'm not totally sure I'm so at a loss on this all right now that I just am not sure how I feel about it. I want to cry because I'm hurt but I want to try this because I feel like I owe it to my son to do so. I also just kind of want to get on with life at this point. This was to be the year of happy and thus far it is so not that! Its the year of tears. Hurting hearts and broken dreams. I always wanted to be a mom it was the one thing that I couldn't wait for and was excited about, this is not the way it was suppose to be and that is hard because it is not how I pictured it with the man. I know not everthing is perfect but this is just so diffcult that I really just feel worn and broken. Any way I'm not sure when my hope left the building but its gone right now and I'm going to believe that tomorrow after some good sleep it might come back.

Good night world 

Hope

Hope is an interesting thing, it drives us to want to do better and be better and wait for things that might not ever come but that will drive us to continue on in just simple hope. Hope is a thought of something that isn't, it is something fabricated and it isn't real but with out hope we loss a piece of humanity. Hope... Well I have hope, hope that something will inspire me to have a better life, I have hope of joy, and I have hope of being happy with my life. And you know I am over all a happy person but lately have been not so happy with life and how things are going. Mostly with how people/person has been treating me. At this point I am ready to restart my life because I am not so sure that I or what I have to offer is what The Man wants but maybe I am wrong.

I have spent a lot of time talking to may "mother inlaw" this past little while and I am beginning to understand HIM a little more but I wish I was 'safe' enough for him to talk to. There are some big things that click a lot more and now I understand why he has such a problem with them. But I wish he could just tell me these things. Its not right that I learn though his mom but at least I get it more. That doesn't mean his actions and the way he does things is right but it makes things a lot more understandable!

I hope that Friday I will have my answer for what the next chapter of my life will look like, and part of me hopes it is with him because I care about him even though he hasn't been great to me, and I care about our relationship and the future with his child. BUT the other part of me hopes he just says this really isn't what I want so I can just move on and be done with this part of my life and begin the healing. This will take a long time from this past experience it took  two years from the last one to this one and I think this one will be even longer. Which is hard for me because being alone scares me, but I am also ready to take that on and learn from it and be ok with being alone. Besides I have my boy so I will never be alone again I will always have him. I love him so and you for all the bad stuff that has gone on and for all the pain and heart ake I have endured, My love makes every single minute worth it because I got him from this. So as hard as this all is I am also the most blessed person in the whole worth because of him.

So there that is I have hope no matter which direction this goes I have hope. This makes me stronger and ready for whatever is to come, no matter what its going to be hard and painful and work but I have hope!

Up date...

Well things are a little more chill in my house and I am feeling a little bit better. The police talked to him and they are not pressing charges at the moment. He is not coming home tonight but will be here for 10am tomorrow to talk a few things over. I'm not totally sure yet what will happen yet or what I want but I know all this needs to end now. I'm at a cross roads here, I have no idea what the right move is. Well thats not totally true I think a small part of me knows what the most positive out come would be but I also feel like I just need someone to have a wake up call about what is going on here and make some big choices. I really want a joyful life and I really hoped he would be part of that. I don't want to be answering questions about him that I can't answer, I don't want my son to hate me for taking him away from his dad. I don't want to have to deal with all of that and most of all I don't want him to feel the pain that will go with all of that. That sucks... because it means I am causing my son a world of pain in his future and that breaks my heart. I can live with out the man, I will some day meet someone else who will do right by me. But to break my sons heart just makes me feel like the worlds worst mother.

I don't want to hurt my son, I don't want to be hurt any more and I still have no clue what I will do I guess I will have to wake up tomorrow with some kind of choice. I just hope I can stand up for what is going to be the best choice for me and my love. This life is once and I will not live it like this, I will not allow someone to do this to me or show my son a poor example of what a man is. Lord grant me strength in my heart and stillness in my mind.

Is this how it ends and starts?

Today was a totally melt down of showing true colours of a person. I am at a loss on how it got to this point and can not believe that after all the benefit of the doubt I have given this is what it comes to and this is how it ends. The starting piece is a start to a new life, a life that will be hard, a life that will no longer be full of hurt and contempt. A life that I will be proud to have. I'm am choosing us (me and my little man) I am choosing joy, I am choosing life. Now how do I get there? Thats the hard part everything is more difficult with a child in the picture because I have to consider what is best for him and me. This is not! This is the worst, so now I just need to get out of here and start over but in order to do so I have to go to court and get full rights to my son so that he never again will have to endure the pain of that man!

So now what, well the police just came back because my statement was a little odd in a few spots why well cause I don't want to get in put in jail or have a criminal offence charge on file for the rest of him life but at the same time why should I want to protect him from that. He hurt me he should get charged. I just want my baby and I want to leave I don't want to see him ever again. I feel like I'm a gluten for punishment like why the hell didn't I leave the first time did I really like it was going to get better? REALLY well yes I did but like fuck man I didn't think it would get like this. I didn't think he would try to hurt me like that I for sure didn't think that I would be back here trying to make these choices again. My feet are cold! I'm cold, I feel like I'm going to barff and my head is spinning, can this all really be happening? Am I not better then this? Do I not need happiness? Is it really that easy for you to hurt me and run. He would not answer the police call, I have a feeling he will not talk to them which will be worse for him. I have a feeling after all this is over its going to suck having to deal with him at all. I hate that I am the one feeling like the bad guy! I hate that I am the one that will have to always feel like the bad guy! I hate that all I have done is try to keep it together and be understanding and I end up hurt.

Now I need to figure out where I want to be... here with Nicho so the man can have visits with him or away from him all together. I am pretty sure I know the right answer but that is a hard thing to choose. I feel a little broken hearted about the fact that I am ripping my sons father out of his life. Lord knows when he will see him, lord knows how often he will see him. lord knows if it will be weeks or months or years and I'm the one who will have to answer the questions. I'm the one who will have to explain why he is not around and Im the one who he will be mad at for taking him. Not his dad. ME! 

I wish I wasn't so far from home, I would pack up and go now. I don't want to be here I just want a hug and some who cares about me to hug me and some time to cry. My poor son, he didn't ask for this. How am I going to explain this to him. HELP. I feel so alone and broken and hurt right now and I just need some time to get this feeling out of me. I really should have known better I really should have stood up for myself and for him much sooner and then I wouldn't be sitting here writing this. But I am and its has happened and I know things get better well you know what they are going to suck for a long long time before they get any fucking better!

any way I'm going to rest my eyes until my love gets up and then I'm not sure what we are going to do but I don't really want to hang around here I want to leave but the only place I have to go in my exinlaws right now and I really don't feel thats a good call.

ahhh just another post

Well today was a pretty wonderful day, I met my friends lovely little girl who is just 5 days old and is so small and lovely. She is so cute and so small and so wonderful. How amazing is it that we as women get to have the joy and pleasure of bring new life into this world. Amazing!! I can't wait to have more babies, or I hope to anyway. I am blessed with my one.

Anyway what else is going on well my lovely little man is doing great and he is fantastic and I love him more and more ever day. Which I didn't even think was possible cause I love him a lot to begin with but I love him more and more all each day!

The man and I are doing alright but having some difficulties and I kind of wonder if that will ever go away! Its just so hard sometimes and I wonder why I even bother. I feel like I have hit the wall about a million times and it is starting to get old. I feel pretty hurt often and I'm not sure if that will go away ether. But I'm trying and sometimes things are great like super great. Then most of the time it feels like we are roommates that only tolerate each other. lord someone tell me things work out and get better please. I don't want to live this way any more and I just feel trapped. Not always but right now. Today was a hard day for me so thats not helping. I woke up cranky, I don't feel appreciated and then I had a great afternoon but right now I'm feeling a little cranky again and just want to sleep and feel better.

What else ... well I hope I can get the little man in to a good center for July so that I can work for the summer. I'm crossing my fingers!!!

Hmm lets see inlaws are on the way tomorrow. Which means my chariot is going to be here!! woop look out bike rides here we come! Any way I'm going to run.

I'm a bad blogger!

Wow I don't really write all that often, I feel super disconnected from people right now so maybe thats why I haven't wrote in a while. I didn't want some anger to come out in a bad way but let me just say this, when I am old and my child is grown I will still call, I will still care and I will want to see him for more then a second especially if he is miles away. I can not even think I would ever want any less as I love that boy more then anything. The fact that I have no idea who my brother is and my parents hardly ever talk to me is just sad. I look at my son and think how could I ever just not care about you enough to want to be in your life. Its hurtful and wrong and shitty! I hate that they don't know him and fucking say shit like "he's looking at us like who are you people" Well DUH he doesn't know who the fuck you are cause you are never around. You don't talk to him, you don't see him, he will never know you because you suck~!

So I'm a little disappointed in them to say the least, and its shitty that they don't care! Its shitty that they will never know him and its shitty that they have no fucking clue as to who I am. Cause I'm fucking amazing. I am kind, I am smart, I am important but just not to them. Assholes. Err ok I think I'm done with that now.

The little man is great, getting smarter every day, having fun learning lots and just generally a great kid! I value him in my life more then anyone can understand! The Man is alright and we have been doing pretty well lately, I think we might be starting to get this who thing together better and better. I still don't trust him very much and kind of wonder about things but I think we are in a good spot to rebuild some trust and move forward in kindness and love and honesty.

We are going away in a few days to a different city to check it out and for the man to have an interview, should be interesting. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet but I think I'm really ready to not be where we are. I love the city don't get me wrong but I can not give my son the things I want to here. Like a yard, a life time home, learning how to plant and grow things, just things that I value from my child hood. Even tho my parents sucked at the best of times we still learnt a whole lot of different things which I would like to pass on to him.

Any way I'm starting to get upset again so I think before this post gets any more unpleasant I'm going to go. Oh I hate car shopping and hope that it ends soon!!!! Good night all

Ahhh!!!

I love my son more then anything in this world I would go to crazy measures to make sure he was happy, healthy and getting everything he needs in life! But tonight man I wish he would just go back to sleep! He has been crying for a half hour, now I'm not a mean mom not full on crazy crying just like I'm going to cry for a second every min cause I'm so unhappy and don't want to be in this stupid room alone. He is not feeling well and is just miserable!

On a plus side the Man followed through today which I was shocked at! Really and truly shocked I was ready to start packing and just move on with my life and I totally didn't expect him to follow through because it has been a rough go at it for us but he did. A pleasant surprise now we just need to start our plan on getting to a place of greatness. You see we talked about a plan that we wanted to have but I wasn't going to jump on board that band wagon with the way things had been going. We talked about connecting better and more meaningfully, he wanted to buy a new bigger place with me on the home owner list, we talked about learning how to fight better, he talked about a dog (not for a few long years!), we talked about a lot of things that would make our path to being the best couple possible but I really wasn't on board cause I didn't feel like he was making effort to include me more in his life and make choices to be a grown man that appreciates me and his son!

Well so now we have a whole lot of work ahead of us and I was not willing to invest that time if he wasn't willing to do some things and mean them. So now I make the choice to learn to trust him again, to forgive the things that have happened and move forward. This will be hard for me to do but the thing is that you only live once and I want to be happy. This year is my year of joy and happy me. So in order to be happy and joyful I must do these things or I will forever relive all the hurtfulness from the past little while. Maybe these choices are not what most would think are the right ones but I feel that they are right for me now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and wish I would have made different choices but I'm doing what feels right. So far that has gotten me to some pretty great things in my life. Like having my son. That was a hard choice because I had a lot of people tell me not to do it but I did what I felt was right and now I am blessed with a wonderful little man who I love more then anything even when he is crying every minute! Like moving to Calgary god everyone thought I was so stupid but it helped me learn so much about myself and really for the first time I loved who I was, and where I was and what I was doing, I found joy in life and was so happy. Well ok not right away but for about 4 years I was just enjoying my life, sure it had its rocky moments and times when I thought that I might not get through it all but all in all when I look back on it I was so happy with life I felt great.

So I want to feel that way again and now its about moving forward and healing my heart and should from the last little while and having someone who wants to help me heal because he loves me and wants me to be the best person I can be, for me and our little man. He said that to me today. So I am willing to be open to love and open to trust but man am I ever a little worried. But they say the greats things are also the most scary! Which I would believe so heres hoping.

Any way I think I have written enough for tonight and my little man has fallen asleep again by the lack of sounds coming out of his room so thats great! Have sweet dreams everyone and I am positively look forward to my year of happy.

Feeling lost

Sometimes things just speak to you and let you know this is it, other times you are just straining to hear a little tiny voice say what your doing is what you are meant to be doing and nothing at all comes through. I feel like I have nothing coming through lately. I'm not sure about the work I'm doing right now or what I should be doing instead. I'm not sure where my future is going to take me. I'm not sure if I'm happy where I am living. I'm not sure if my partner is the right person for me. I'm not sure if I want the things I say I want. I'm not sure about a lot and mostly I'm not sure if I'm on the right path. I feel a little at odds with life at the moment. In fact the only thing I am sure about is that I love my son and I am so over joyed he is in my world. But what that world is, thats up for questioning. I'm also not really sure where this is all coming from. I feel like I should be doing something but I don't really have the time or money (mainly money) to do it. Also I'm not sure I have the dedication I would need right now in order to achieve it. So what should I do in the mean time? Well I have the answer for that also but I just have to find it.

I'm also unsure if now is the time to be doing this but there is no time like the present! Maybe I will start small or at least start looking into it more. In the mean time I need to find something that will make me happy. Let me just say this now its not that I am unhappy I just know where my heart is and I need to find that again. I like my job its fun but its not what I need to be doing. I need to be doing something different. I also kind of feel like I'm stuck right now just in limbo because there doesn't seem to be anything I'm really working towards. Maybe I'm just getting that itch to change something. I use to get those often and when I would things would change in my life. New job, new man, new place to live, different something. I have this thing about getting caught somewhere and not feeling like I am progressing and when I change something it makes me feel better again. odd I've never really talked about this before with anyone.

There are a few things I have been finding myself dawning on lately like did you know abandonment is the biggest addiction? When you suffer with abandonment issues you naturally move to addictive behaviours because they are something that will always be there and never leave you you can count on them therefore they give you comfort like you have never known before. This was a revaluation for me because I have issues with food and a lot of that is because it has been there for me when other people where never there. In fact there is this one time that I can recall that I sat outside for 4 hours waiting for someone to come home. I had to pee in the bush and had no food and it scarred me. To this day I hate not knowing where my keys are and I have issues with being locked out or locked into things. That was not the only time I was locked out of the house but it was one of the worst for me. I cried a lot that day.

I cried a lot in my childhood and my parents did not help me to be ready to be an adult at all, I know they did the best they thought they could but it really was shitty and so I'm starting to deal with all this stuff and its hard but it feels good. I think I might be able to work out some of this crap. But all this crap could be why I feel so disconnected with myself right now. I'm trying to rebuild a stronger better me and that is making me very mixed up. Any way I'm super sleepy so I should run.

10 on Wednesday

So my sister has been doing this 10 on Tuesday thing and I am board and not feeling so great so I thought I would do my today. . . 10 on Wednesday :)

1. What did you get for Christmas?
All kinds of stuff but most important I got to talk to my family, my uncle and I spent it with my lovely little man!

2. Have you taken down your Christmas decorations?
Just today, normally I wait until the 6th because thats the day the Orthodox church celebrates Christmas and for some reason I have a connection to that but we are going to be traveling soon and I wanted to get a head start. My wreath is still on the door and the lights are still up but the tree is gone.

3. What did you do for New Years Eve?
Put my little man to bed and hung out until the man got home.

4. Do you like accents?
Yes!

5. What kind of television do you have?
hmm well I'm not sure but it was free about 4 years ago from a friend, I should be getting a new one in a few days from my parents.

6. Did you make any changes at the beginning of 2012?
That no matter what this year I will be happy and that my joy in my world directly effects my son. A happy healthy mom has happy healthy baby!!

7. What’s the last book you read and do you recommend it?
I don't really read much its not really my thing because it takes so long, I have to read the word and then make the words come together in my mind because I don't read the same way other people do it takes my brain a little bit of time to make it into a storey or what not. I would like to have some digital books to listen to I think that would be excellent!

8. Do you stay current on celebrity gossip?
No not really sometimes I will watch something but thats about it, my life has more importance then that

9. Do you know the words to Bohemian Rhapsody? Gangstas Paradise? Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
Yes to all three. Awesome!

10. What is your favorite education television show?
I'm not sure about this one, I like discovery net work you can learn a lot about alot of things on that.

On a final note... I would just like to add this, I thought I was pregnant again, I had all the signs and I was freaking out of my mind, due to the current situation it would not be the best thing to be having another baby. Then last night I started having major pains like pain that you should only feel one or two times in your life and this morning god I felt like I was going to die. Now if you are week in the stomach I urge you not to finish reading this!!!

I have not seen this much blood since I gave birth... well after birth and I have been having mad cramps like nothing ever before so I'm thinking that maybe I was pregnant and maybe had a mischarge which really is for the best but man does it ever suck feeling like this. I'm hoping I feel better soon and that this doesn't happen again! Maybe I am wrong and this is just normal but I have a feeling that I am right. Any way thats that and all things considered its the truly for the best.

Thats it for tonight oh and Happy New Year!

I bid adieu to 2011

New years eve is here and we are about to say good bye to 2011 and hello to 2012, it has been a year for sure! Amazing moments, sad days, hard days but all and all I think one of the best years for me because I was blessed with a lovely little man who really made my year.

He learnt how to pick his head up, roll over, crawl, walk and started to want to run all in one year, this year. He has learnt words and how to ask for things he wants with out words. He has learnt about so much and grown so much and has turned my world totally upside down in the most wonderful way! He has such a lovely personality and is just a gem and I am the most proud momma in the whole world and I cant wait to see him grow and change more this year to come.

I have never really been the kind of person to make resolutions its really not my thing. But I have always tried to make one or two goals and this year there are a few things I would like to see happen in this coming year. I think one of the biggest ones is to find my smile again, I think I have lost it, as I have been pretty sad these last few months, its just been a hard go at life and I forget what its like to be me. This past two years my life has changed in large ways and I feel like I lost my smile though a lot of the shit that has occurred. So I would like to bring joy back into my life.

Any way I'm getting sleepy and I think I might not make it until mid night to bring in the New Year as it happens. But 2011 has been many highs and a few lows, it has been full of new things and has taught me lots. Now I bid adieu to dear 2011.

Happy Birthday to my Sister

Dearest sister of mine, today is your birthday and I wish I was there to give you a great big hug and have a glass of wine with you. Welcome to old age :P I had to say it once. But I hope this year brings you all the joy and love that you need!! I hope that you are smiling today and I hope that you know I love you and miss you ever day!

xoxoxo

Blah!

Sick babies are a whole bunch more work then anyone ever tells you, and to top it off I feel like ass myself but its a different kind of sick. He is coughing, runny noise, and just over all sick. I am feeling barffy and just blah kinda sick. It sucks balls! I seem to feel worse at night for some reason and I'm not sure why. Needless to say I hope everyone in my house feels better soon!

What else... well I would like some one to tell me when I might feel better about my ass of a Man I mean I have good days where I think that its going to be alright and things are good but then today happens and I just hate him again! I know he feels bad and I know he is trying but I'm not sure thats enough some times. Its just painful to know what has happened here and it makes me sick some times. Like tonight and I'm not sure why its coming up tonight but it is, and it sucks!

What else is going on . . . well in a week and a bit we are going to see the in laws, which is great, they are suck good people I just wish there son was the same, and I know somewhere he is but fuck man this is just ass! OK so I really feel like ass tonight and I am mad like mad mad mad mother fucking mad, and I don't like it sometimes I think I should just get it over with and move on but then I remember that he does make me feel good and I do care about him and that I did want a life with him and I don't know what to do after that, but I feel broken tonight and I think my hormones might have something to do with this! Blah!

Any way I'm excited about going away and seeing the in laws and getting some good swim time in! Also I'm excited for next week cause someone is finally going to come fix the stupid floor and I might get my living room back by the end of next week!! How exciting!!

Something to try and get my smile back:
I love that little man more then anything in this world, and in all his sickness he is still the cutest kid ever. He was sitting snuggling with me and all the sudden jumped up, fell into my lap looked at me and smiled but and said mom. Then sat up looked and me and "kissed" (really its like a lick) my cheeks three times and then hugged me.

I love him! I thank all the goodness in the world for him every day! I am so proud to be his mom and I am so excited to see him grow and change and learn and become a wonderful man! Give it up for your kids! Cause honestly they make your life 100 million times more amazing then anything else could ever!

Twas the night before Christmas

Well it has been a while since I last wrote but life has been a bit hard lately. Just with the man and the things we have been through things have been hard. I have been home to see my family, have been to a talk to some one about our issues and have been getting ready to have my lovely little mans second Christmas. This time last year my son was just a month old and so small. My cousin had a baby just a few days ago and it totally takes me back a year and to how different my life was. Things have for sure changed! I think that the Man and I have been making some progress but at the same time he is so rude to me some times. I kind of gave him an ultimatum to prove that he is committed to me and this relationship or that I will leave in the new year after we have gone to court. So we will see how that goes. I still don't totally trust him and I don't know if I will ever really forgive him but things are better for the moment.

My friend has gone through something the same and she texted me today saying how unhappy she is and if she wasn't so afraid of being alone she would leave him. But she is amazing and wouldn't have a problem finding someone who would be amazing to her. I totally get where she is coming from though! I am totally scared to be alone and for my son to not feel like he has the best of everything. The more I talk to the kids at my work about there families the more it makes me want to make this work and work great for him. Most of the kids come from broken homes and some come from super dysfunctional homes. The other day this weird little boy that is so cute was drawing with me and we where chatting and I said something about making his mom a card cause all moms like cards. He looked at me all odd and said "I don't have a mom!" then rolled his eyes. It made my heart break, no mom, who has no mom, I wanted to hug him and tell him that he was a sweet smart lovey little guy and that I'm sure his mom loved him. So sad!

Also there is this little girl who is my fav from them all she is so sweet and so kind. She is also smart and so pretty and is just such a great person! She was telling me about how its so hard not living with he mom and dad. she never sees he dad and when she does she doesn't know how to act around him because she doesn't know him enough. She also went on to tell me about how she was really excited to get to spend Christmas with him this year and really have some time with him. How sweet and how sad. Its so hard this whole life thing.

Any way I spent the day doing some last minute shopping and then went to the Mans work and we cleaned the car from top to bottom and then changed the little mans seat to be forward facing. He is so big!! They grow way to fast. Man do I ever love that kid! Like I don't think I ever knew you could love someone so much but I love him more then anything and larger then I ever have loved anything in my life!

Any way Christmas is tomorrow and I'm excited for the New Year because it will be full of change no matter what so its going to be a big year I think. I love you all I miss my family! I wish we where together for the holidays but just know I love you and my heart is with you!

Merry Christmas!

A joyful and breaking heart all at the same time

First I feel so blessed in my life to have the most amazing little man ever he is smart, cute, silly and just the best thing in the world. I love him more then anything in this world and tomorrow he is one! One year ago today I sat in a hospital waiting for him to come, I was all alone because the Man didn't spend a lot of time with me there. I can't believe how fast time has gone by and that tomorrow he will be one year old! What a year its been he is so amazing and how he has changed is just wow! Joyful heart of mine I love him so I am so thankful for him and the gifts he brings me every day.

Now to address the heart break... the man cheated on me, on November 4 he went away for some job thing and because I didn't go he thought it would be a good call to post on craigslist looking for sex and then he met someone and did the unthinkable in my mind, he had sex with her. On November 7th I found out about it and life will never be the same. We will be going to court on Monday to see who gets the right to raise our son. I don't have much doubt that I will because I am an amazing mom and I will do right by that boy!

I can't believe he is tossing this all away I even asked if he would be willing to do some things so we could work on stuff, who the fuck does that? And he will not do anything. I think I am just so hurt by all of this I feel empty and sad. But I know my future will be bright because I will have the most important person in the world in my life. My son! Whom I love if you didn't notice :P

I just wish the man wanted to fight for me but really what makes me think he would he slept with someone else! I hate that he has done this to us, and I really hate him for all of this. More then anything though I think I'm just really sad. I wanted a life that now I'm not sure I will find. Maybe I will but now I'm a package deal and have a ton of baggage so its going to be a hard go at life for the next little while.

Wish me luck, hopefully will up date soon.

Have you ever felt like just crying?

So I feel super over worked! The Man is on night shifts and I am on baby duty all the fucking time, cause he sleeps once he is home. I have felt over worked for the last year almost because it feels like I do everything for that kid, its a little exhusting! I am so happy that I am going back to work and he can get a taste of what its like to take care of him cause I'm burnt out! I totally love that little man but man some times I just need a break. OH and I'm totally going out for the first time with some ladies tomorrow! WOOh yeah! Excited!!!

what else... well the man turned down the job in the other city, so we are staying here and I get to work which I have never been so happy about! I feel kind of bad saying this but I can't wait to be baby free for a few hours a day! I've never felt so drained and speaking of which I should go cause I'm exhusted. I just really needed to vent cause I'm feeling a bit nuts!