3 more months

Well it is 3 more months until my due date today and things are becoming more and more real as you can now feel the baby kick, but only if it really kicks hard and only in certain spots. I've been able to feel it for a while now but now someone just putting there hand on the spot would feel it. Plus I'm starting the planning for my replacement so that really makes things real. Its good to be planning because it allows me to set the persons objectives for the year I'm away. I love being the head of my department! Its kind of great to be controling all the items on the plan.

I have been feeling a little crappy the last few days I think I need more sleep or something. I have a few more days of work then the weekend but I'm going to try and sleep in. This Friday we are going to a fireworks show I just hope it is nice out. Its kind of a crappy day today and they are saying that tomorrow will be nice but then cloudy for the rest of the week :( Sucky!

I have two appointments next week and have to go for my second diabetes test casue the lady didn't time it right the first time and my blood was high by .2 LORD so now I have to sit there for 2 hours. Fun times. The amount of sugar in that drink they give you is totally crazy its more then some of the meals that I eat and they think that 40 mins will give the right results. Yeah right... well hopefully this time it works out better.

Any who I just thought I would do a little up date I'm pretty sleepy and not feeling 100% so I'm going to lay down.

Happy Friday the 13

Well I do not recall the last Friday the 13th but I know I don't like the movies, I remember my brother watching them and I was freaked out and still deal with the issues from this stupid movie. Thanks Bro :)

The bigger news is that it is in fact Friday and the weekend starts in an hour, tomorrow I don't get to sleep in though because I have to go get some blood work done, I hate blood work the people who poke you all poke you different and some suck ass at it and they hurt you. Others are great at it and it two seconds and over and you feel nothing, but its always a toss up. BOO! Needles in general suck balls!

Then we will clean the car out and maybe try to put the base in for the car seat. Fun times I'm sure. Then I have to figure out what we will do with the bed that is currently in babies room... no idea! Need 3 bedrooms that’s what!

I would for a moment like to talk about heart burn, why the hell do they call it that it has nothing to do with your heart it is in fact your guts that are burning and more so your esophagus that feels likes its on fire, so Gut Burn is more accurate. Any way I have had the WORST freaken gut burn for the past oh 5 days and I want to die, it sucks so much! It sucks to sit up, it sucks to lay down, it suck to eat, it just plan old Sucks the mighty sucky one! When will it go away? Why is it so bad? Lord!

Sleep, I need more sleep but I can't seem to get it things are starting to hurt at night and become more difficult when trying to be comfortable. Even at work its hard to become more and more to sit for the whole time, boo!

Speaking of work... back to it.

Hump Day

Firstly Happy Hump Day to one and all. Its officially the middle of the week and I have to say this week is flying by right now because I had so much stuff to catch up on. It was a bit crazy the amount of things that can and will go wrong well you are gone. Today my boss asked me if I could hold the baby in for an extra month, lol, I said I would try but its not up to me. I think they know how truly amazing I am at my job, she also told me I have to come back. So that’s a good sign. FYI 97 more days until my due date, its finally below 100 days that’s crazy! I can't believe I'm going to be a mom, parent...Nuts!

The man is home :) he came home not last night but the one before, in the middle of the morning hours (3:30am) I woke to a man standing over me, it freaked the crap out of me until I realized who it was then I was so happy, but then he woke me up and snored for an hour and half well I tried to get back to sleep! I was pissed at that, but still happy to have him home. Last night he started snoring again and I was ready to kill him but I still am happy to have him home. I missed him so much. Lord do I ever love that man, what a guy. I went home yesterday and he had moved a bunch of stuff also, that needed to be done, it was so nice to see and made me want to cry, but pretty much everything makes me want to cry right now, give it up for hormones :)

Any way this weekend will be busy full of blood work, farmers markets, and putting together changing table, also more work on the babies’ room as a general whole. Tomorrow I am going to the orchestra :) I love going its so great and I think he likes it too which makes me happy I'm glad we can share that together. Its also his birthday soon and I am planning on taking him on a steam train thru a valley and into a small town then dinner and back home. He knows this already because I asked him if I got this if he would like it and he said yes so that’s good. BUT they might not have a steam train! Its broken and they are trying to fix it but are unsure if it will be up and running by then. If its not he doesn't want to go. Sucks balls! I hope its working by then because I think that its a great way for use to celebrate his day together. This would take place a few days before his real birthday but on his real day I have a little surprise in store for him as well :) fun!

Well that said I should get back to work... Happy Hump Day!!!

Vacation

Vacation is good to take a break and my break has seemed to last forever. I think this is because my man is gone. I trully miss him and can't wait to have him home. My little bun in the oven has decided that it wants to move all the time! Like all the time but the most when I am trying to sleep. The other night it just kept going and going and going, I was thinking this is a sign of what is to come... fun times`

Things are going well I'm ready to go back to work tomorrow because I totally feel useless some times. For example today I have moved some things around that really I shouldn't be moving, done laundry, put away mail and cleaned and I have only been up for 2 hours. I finally got some sleep today! wooh! What for the rest of the day... shopping? put the clothing away, fix a bag I have, and that will take all of two more hours well then what the hell am I to do with myself. I'm getting worried about this year off thing all though I'm sure I will have lots to keep me busy with a baby and all but still I worry that I might go a tiny bit nuts.

What else? I miss my man, I want him home! I hope he is enjoying himself and having a great time off but I just miss him, and its so hard to fall asleep. blah

Any way I should get going lots of things I should do, but I need to remember pace myself.

First OB appointment

Well I have offically had my first OB appointment with the lady who might develier the baby. I say might because it could be any of the doctors at the clinic, but I hope its her I really like her, she was informative and kind.

Scary news: So I have a chronic illness, fun times it is what it is BUT because of this I might have increased chances of mortality, so here is the fun story I have to go to three other specialists before the baby comes.

1) Anesthesiologist - because I might not be able to have a epidural or a spinal tap (just in case I want these I have to go talk to them)

2) Geneticist - because they have to estimate the potential risk to the baby in the event I get to cold. (I told the doctor I'm pretty sure my body would break down to the point where the baby would die if that happened, but I guess there is more risk in having the epidural or a spinal tape and losing heat rather fast which put us both at risk, fun!)

3) High risk Specialized Doctor - because I'm at higher risk of many things so they want me to be informed (like I have not already read everything possible to be informed and some doctor will not scare the crap out of me more. thanks)

So all those things are a little intense to say the least it is not nice knowing that I have a increased risk of death because of all this, that’s kind of intimidating. But I have faith that it will be fine, I'm going to talk more about the risk of a c section at my next appointment because I don't want a c section recovery is hard and bad and I don't heal well all the time so I would rather not. I have read a lot about them and have a pretty good idea why they do them but I really would only want to go there if I for sure have to plus it puts me more at risk because I wont be able to tell if I'm to cold or there for if the baby is to cold. not ok!

Other wise the appointment was really good she talked about risk of high blood pressure and diabetes a lot but I know my body pretty well and I asked her to look at my blood work and blood pressure rates and she was like "wow you have great looking work, its perfect." I know! Thank you just because I am bigger does not mean that I am going to have those things happen, I am pretty healthy and I eat great right now and walk every day 3 times a day because I have a dog! I'm fine, I will be fine and its going to be fine! I just wish I could have some more support here. Someone who just had a child asked me if I have a support network and I laughed and said no not at all, and his face was like Oh my god girl, then he said "You are really going to want to work on that because it is hard at first" Great. All alone in the world, pretty normal, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

Any way I should get to work before it gets to late in the day.

I'm offically Broke!

I have been fighting to get out of dept for a while now because in 7 months I would like to try to buy a new car and maybe some day a house, with a yard and a place to park my new car! I am offically broke today because I am almost totally out of the red! So bad but good. I only have to catch up on my student loan and then I'm golden. That might be a bit more difficult because I would have to make some big payments for the next oh 4 months but we will talk to the man about that tonight. We will see how it all pans out. I could maybe do it in less time if I deadicated more funds to the cause but we will have to see.

Things I am working towards:
1) New Computer
2) Becoming dept free! - at lest a few years away I would think. One piece of advise I would like to offer the world is in regards to sending your children to school to further there education. Help the pay for it! Help the save for it! Help them understand that paying off that big of a loan is a challenge when you are first trying to establish yourself in the world. I think if there is one thing I would like to do for my future little one is to start an education fund. Even if I could save a little every month for the next 18 years that could still be a big help because trust me, being in my situation sucks! $50 a month for the next 18 years is a little more then $10,000, with compound interest that could be more!
3) New Car - putting me back into dept more then likely but I don't think my car will last much longer I think at max its got two years before stuff really starts to go wrong on it so the car might wait until it can't wait any more but we will see how that all plays out.
4) House some day for sure putting me back into dept but for good reason. My child deserves a yard to play in, and so does my dog!

Any way thats my little list at the moment and I'm sure more will be added at some point but who knows when. I have my first OB appointment today, wish me luck :)

Way to much Sun!

So over the weekend I spent about 4 hours in the sun, not all at once but total. I think I might have gotten a small amount of heat exhaust. With sun burnt face and arms I'm pretty sure of it. I went to an out door down town event which was nice, but man did I ever get tired fast! I only walked half the event and was done, I think knowing I needed to walk back was part of it because I could have finished the whole thing but then going back might have killed me. It was 26 out at the time I was walking... a little to hot. Then I went out to have dinner at a park, in the middle of no where, with a friend.

Yesterday pissed me off to no end also. The man was suppose to come with me to all this and decided at the last minute he was not going to. THANKS yesterday when I got home I didn't talk to him at all except for a few yes and no's that was it. This morning I left with out a good bye or a kiss, and normally I love that in the morning but I am still and was so disappointed in him for not being considerate of me or what I wanted. We always do shit he wants to do and the one time I ask him to do something with me for me he doesn't end up coming. Well thank you and that is the last time I ask you for anything. I'm so mad that if this is a predictor of the future with him I'm ready to move out. I just don't want to be in something for no reason and I don't want to be in something and hate the other person for petty shit.

Any way I needed to vent that out and we will see how this all plays out. I don't think he is ready for all this and I think that I might be excepting more then I should be but it doesn't feel like I am so it makes it hard.

What else well work has been crazy today, I've been trying to finish this post since this morning and I'm just finishing. I'm sure I have more to say but I also only have 40 mins of work left and way to much to do!

Ouch!

Okay so my back is in so much pain today that I want to cry, and the worse part is that this is just going to keep going for the next 3 month 26 days at the earliest! Thats right I am going to be a mom in 117 days! Which in the grand plan in not a whole lot of time, also I shouldn't be counting down yet it seems a bit early but I know it will fly by.

I am going on vacation soon, going any where... nope staying home more then likely and just maybe starting to set up the baby room... CRAZY! You know I've always wanted to be a mom I think it is one of the single most amazing things that a person can do, being a parent in general its truly amazing. But man I'm totally freaked out, the thought that after all this I'm going to souly be responsible for a little tiny person is a little overwhilming to say the least. Also I'm starting to get all the scary stores now, like 42 hours of labor and barfing and having to have C-sections and lord it goes on and on, totally tarafing. I'm still looking forward to being a mom but I am just feeling like its a bit much. Plus I have no one here to help me. Like what if my man can't get to the hospital there is no one else to call cause they are all far away.

What if I need help, I would be lieing to myself if for one second I thought my mother would be coming here to help me in the begining. So its totally alone, I have delt with the feeling of abandonment my whole life because my parents aren't very involved and never have been involved really at all in my life. The truly have no clue who I am and this becomes more and more evedent all the time when I talk to them. I don't want to feel totally alone in this part of my life and I don't but I just am really worried that something will prevent me from having someone there for me.

Any way I totally need to get some stuff done but I wanted to take a minute to update and let all the people know I'm alive.

Oh I take forever to post

So it again has been a super long time since the last time I took a moment to write. There are many new things in my world at the moment, just moved in with the man which is going much better then it was the first few days! Thank GOD!
Pro's
1) No more packing an over night bag
2) All my stuff is there which makes me feel more comfortable
3) I awlays have someone to snuggle with
4) Endless hugs
5) Just nice

Con's
1) My trip to work has incressed by 20 minutes!
2) He is a bed hog and a blanket theff!
3) No more freedom :P
4) Picking up after someone else!!!! err that needs to be nipped in the bud
5) Growing pains

What else.... that makes this situation even more fun, I'm going to have a baby! Thats right ladies and gentelmen I am pregent. LORD! Which makes me cranky and sore and just want to cry almost all the freaken time. Its stupid. So one thing for you ladies that think this baby crap is all sun shine and flowers. A little FYI pregancy sucks balls! This is what they don't tell you.

They don't tell you that your risk of stuff increases ten fold, or that your feet will swell beond recognition, or that your tummy gets hairy (gross), or that sometimes all you want is to cry, or that you feel like you will never be the same again or any of the bad stuff. I miss being me and feeling some control over my thoughts, emotions and having a memory! I would kill for a beer and a smoke but I cant do that because this little tresetal being has taken up residenace in my womb (Theres a word I didn't think I would use before). All the sudden everything becomes about how is the baby? How are you feeling? You look great and glowing and BLAH and no longer how are you? Accompanied by regluar converstation. LORD

Any way thats life at the moment I sure once the little bundle arrives I will feel differently about all this crap but at present I just want to be myself again. Please don't get me wrong I think being a parent is one of the single most greatest things someone can do but fuck man I just want to be indepent again with no worries and all the oppotions and I think I'm just having some growing pains around that I am ageing and that scares the crap out of me because the more I age the closer the end of all this there is and I just don't feel like I have the time to do all the amazing things I am meant to do. It just all seems a bit sureal at the moment.

Thats all for now I will try and get better at this posting thing. I keep saying that but it never seems to happen.

Sadness

Hey world,

So today my grandfather died, from a heart attack, he was walking away from the hospital and it happened in the parking lot. How sad. But I bet he was totally loanly because my Grandma pasted away in 2006. Wow its almost been 4 years, and I miss her so much she was such a fun little old lady. Always saying some day you'll be able to tell me how crazy I am. Crazy like a fox and fun. I think what makes me the sadest is that his death reminds me of her's and I loved her. Him not as much he was my grandpa and my dads dad and he brought my dad into the world so for that I'm pretty happy about but yeah not the best guy ever. LONG STORY!!!

Any way so now I will be going home sooner then planned which is ok but sad. The worst part I think will be if I have to go to there house. There is still so much of grams there and that will be really hard. My boyfriend asked if I wanted him to come and I would love that but only if her truly wants to be there for me. Other wise I think he should stay away from this whole situation. Fuck its going to be hard to see my brother and my dad in tears. I think that part makes me cry the most.

Any way blah its been a hard day because I am super stupidly emotional. Tomorrow we are talking about heart attacks and ADE's and CRP and all that jazz and well that might be a little bit hard because well it didn't save gramps so how the fuck is it going to save someone else? BLah okay so the boss might need to know that I will maybe have to leave the room. Stupid hormorns setting me off like crazy lately. blah god, alrighty any way I just needed to vent I think I will be ok I hope the weather gets better cause I'll be driving home.

Thats it for tonight. tear - I really need to tell the people in my life that I love them and chairsh the moments I have with them because you never really know when its all going to end. So I love you, my family I love you I love you Ilove you all more then you know. My friends I miss you and love you.

Any way thats all for to night.

Good night

Update Needed

Well I thought it was due time that I updated and now I sit here with very little to write. I feel blank. Hmm I feel sick and I'm really wishing I could talk normally again. I'm so sick and tired of sounding like I do I miss my cute loving voice! SUCKS!!!! Also you know what else sucks feeling nauseous all the freaking time! That and heart burn. Lord I'm not really sure about all this any more ether.

It a little bit freaked out about the situation that I have gotten myself into. Its totally scary and a little bit larger then I think I really am ready for. I'm sure most people at some point in there life think this way but man I'm really not sure about all this. There are so many what if's and so much doubt its just a bit hard to handle. Also I still haven't faced the worse yet. The parents. Lord

Any way that is enough of that less people figure out what I'm talking about, not really ready to announce it to the world.

What else is going on, well work is work its never ending and really I am not so overjoyed there at the moment but its just because I don't feel challenged at all! This job is stupid easy, I mean really there are some brains in doing it but it is totally not my lifes work and that kills me a little bit ever day. I really need to be doing something more with my talents. I'm to good at other stuff for this to be it.

Blah any way this was not meant to be a bitch session or a down boohoo look how hard done by I am thing I was just meant to update. Its Easter weekend... Happy Easter, and I volunteered to cook Easter Dinner for my man and his friends. Not a smart idea mainly because I feel like ass lately and his friend is a cook for a living, so not smart. I pray that it all tastes good.

Any way I'm totally not into writing right now. Until next time and hopefully a more upbeat post!

Does the exhaust ever end?

So over the past few days I have been the most tried person ever! I don't think that have ever been so exhausted my body is totally working in over time these days! Any way what else work goes alright, the man is still fantastic and I am totally crazy about him! And I'm tried, lol always tried I wonder when this stops?

I need to file my taxes and I'm not totally sure I remember how to online so I have to call the people tomorrow and figure that out so I can get that taken care of. I might have to start looking for a new place to live, that's always fun! But that will be decided soon I would think. Within the next few months for sure any way.

Oh well its day light savings today and I feel like I have slept the day away! I had a 3 hour "nap" and slept well last night and I think in less then an hour I will be in bed. How crazy!

Any way I'm off :)

Spring is in the air

Well it is March and it feels like April. It has been sunny and lovely for the past few weeks! This makes me a little concerned.... why you might ask. Well it is because the snow in our country is getting less and less. Less snow means less water. Less water means dry crops, lower food source and less water for people...which is very bad because it could cause death. Now industrialized countries have not a lot to worry about yet however other countries that have more poverty and less resources they are at more risk. So here is were it gets scary in my mind, in these countries a lot of people die every day already which increase the disease in the countries and eventually the spared of disease causing higher death tolls around the world. So if there is less water in the world causing more death which there for causes disease which can spared then the total death rate will increase drastically world wide. Which will eventually come to our wonderful industrial countries.

Alright so that's that! On with other topics that will not cause people to loss sleep at night. I can only hope that someone is losing sleep over that factor and trying to think of how we correct it. But it might be to late... Any way I've been sleeping well lately why because my boyfriends parents are in town and he can't sleep here when they are in town. But I was introduced to the parents. They are nice people I just hope they liked me. Now I just have to get him back to my home town to meet mine... cause they will never come here.

What else oh I have a bitch moment so his parents are in town because it was his dad's brothers 60 birthday party. He and I were walking on the phone and he was saying that he was about to go to this party and I say oh thats were it is thats nice. Then he says "why are you coming?" I say are you asking and he says no I'm not ready for that. WHAT THE HELL okay so I know this is totally a little thing but don't say something like that if you are going to follow it up with the comment her made. I'm totally cool with him not being ready to introduce me to his whole family but like don't ask that. Lord Tip to men: Do not do stupid shit like that.

Any who I'm going to go return some movies and then I think to the flee market. Woop

What a guy!

Alright so I need to take a small break from work to tell you all about something that happened last night. So my boyfriend is pretty great as a general whole because he is kind, silly, and makes me laugh. Last night after a long day of me working he came to my house and cooked dinner. He made some potatoes in the oven and I bite into one and said "to hot" and he starts laughing and says "cool and the gang".

Gets up runs to the computer and you tubes this song, that I am a bit to young to even know. He plays it we eat and he just laughs. We are now in the living room by the computer and he says one more time. Then grabs my arm and dances with me in the living room, I was totally just amazed by him. What a lovely man, what a lovely thing for him to do. I wonder if he has any idea how sweet that was or how much he just made me melt. Goodness Me I'm totally crazy about him!

Any way back to work cause thats what I get paid for but I just had to share that!

Baking Goddess!

I have not baked in a while and my boyfriend had a bunch of apples in his house going bad so he asked me to do something with them. So I took about 15 and now have one large Apple Crisp and Two Apple Cream Pies (currently cooking 5 minutes left).

So the Apple Crisp looks so good and smells amazing! The Apple Cream pie is a first and a new recipe! It looks really good right now. But I'm a little torn about it we will see how it tastes tomorrow. After they are done I am going over to my mans house with the Apple Crisp.

Oh and Happy Valentines Day! We spent yesterday together cause he had to work today. There where some moments that were really good. I am totally smitten with him so anything would have been wonderful to me. I was just totally happy to be hanging out with him. We talked more about the moving in thing and he now seems to thing that it to soon. I think he is just a little scared about all that but who knows so I'm moving up the third flour by the sounds of things woop! Well half woop I am ready to risk great to get greatness! Any who that's all for tonight, I'm going to check on my pies.

Good night to all! :)

15 mins left of work

Ok so I have nothing to do for 15 mins so I thought I would make myself sound busy by typing and what better way then up dating the good old blog.

Whats new:
- I'm in dept and I hate it! lol Thats not new but its become more and more real so thats why I'm writting about it.

- I'm ready to move to a less expensive city but my whole world is here!

- I'm crazy about my man....also not new but hasn't changed, he drives me a little nuts sometimes but all in all hes super great and we are still that couple. lol

- I'm tried all the time! Also not new but an announcment to the world non the less

Thats it really. Nothing all that exciting just life as per the same. Its high time to try a new recipt so I might have to get on that for tomorrow night. Will see.... ok 10 mins left now I think I can pack it up :P

February...

Well its been a little while since I last wrote so I thought an update was needed. It is February and I am feeling oh so crancky and over emotional! Its like lighten hit me and all the sudden I'm this girl who crys over the littlest things, and gets upset for no reason and god someone needs to just make this all stop!

I think tonight I will go for a long walk with the dog and try and walk the stress off, I'm not really sure what the stress is but its there and its burning inside me saying "hit people, hard you will feel better!" Now as much as I think that sounds great it is no not right to smake random people or any one for that matter.

Last night I was so unset because I felt like someone wasn't listening to me, and they were not cause they asked me to repeat what I was saying three times! ERR I felt so mad I cried, what the hell is that? God! Save me from my crazy self. But as is life things cool off and slowly go away and I'm not as upset as I was but I'm still a little cheesed off about it all and just wish they would have listened. What was I trying to say. That I felt like they were holding back, only giving part information and then saying I'll tell you the rest some other time or in a week. DON'T TELL ME SOMETHING AND NOT FINISH IT! AHHHH

Thats really what I need to say is if you want to talk to me say all of what you want to say not just half. And if I ask you something that you are not comfortable talking about with me just yet, just say that! How hard is that? okay so the emotional crazy is because of this and because I'm just not feeling myself today or yesterday... boo!

On side note things are still going well at work, I'm amazing and everyone sees that, its nice to be apperciated for the things I do. I'm still totally crazy about the man even if her drives me a little nuts. I might be moving up to the third floor at the end of the month!!!! WOOP for a belcony, how exciting! I really hope I get to move up I HATE living on the bottom floor. Maybe thats why I'm crazy no natural light for the past year. LORD! Oh and its offically been a year that I have lived where I am, thats crazy! Even more crazy I've lived in this city for four years now! It seems like just yesterday... no thats not true at all it feels like a life time ago that I was back in BC. But life was so differnet, life is so different things have totally changed here, I've changed, I've grown, I've become (normally) a really amazing person here. I mean I was good before but damn I'm good now :P hahah Oh yes and I can ring my own freaken bell after the last two days I've had.

Any way I'm totally at work and need to get back to writing more policies and procedures, and stratigic planning. Lord gross I'm totally one of those people... barf! :P

sleepy!

Its only 9:00pm and I am officially sleepy! Also I slept until like 10:30am... what the heck! Okay so things are going well these days other then feeling totally burnt out today its all good. The stop smoking plan is going good, I still totally have my hard moments like right now, I want to break down and buy a pack but I'm not going to cause its just a waste of money and its killing me.

So last night my lovely man and I went the philharmonic Orchestra to see Dvorak's Heroic Cello. Its one of his more famous pieces of work the Cello Concerto in B minor, The man who was playing the solo was so brilliant! He moved me to tears because it was totally amazing. It was the boyfriends first performance ever! I hope he liked it, this was something really special to share with him as I do not share that love of the arts with many people, but it is truly something I love and hope that I can share in a relationship.

Tomorrow night I am going to sleep over at this house and try the drive in the morning to see how it goes. Glup! I'm totally nervous about this, but also kind of excited because I think that it is a very promising start to something wonderful. He is wonderful and makes me light up.

Any way enough of that. I'm exhausted and am heading to bed! sweet dreams to all

Oh yeah and a photo of Lake Louise

Remember to just Breath

Okay So today is day 3 of the quite smoking plan... how the plan works, STOP SMOKING! Duh ... And at current I am going F*ing nuts cause all I can think about is smoking, all I want is a smoke this is the most god offal feeling in the whole world. To all those people out there in the world thinking about starting to smoke DONT! It is the stupidest thing you can ever do! Why because you will Love it, you will love it so much that you will do it over almost everything. It is a sick addiction and it sucks when you quit if you can quit, cause its evil you think just one little puff couldn't hurt its just to get me buy this moment cause I need it.... NO NO NO NO NO Do not ever smoke save yourself the evil little demon that is now controlling my life and don't do it!

It all I can think about and I think tomorrow it might be a bit easier but I really doubt it they say the third day is the worst well you know what I truly hope it is! Because this sucks balls, big hair ugly balls!

Anyway on to something else.... I'm totally crazy about this man he is just wonderful... and I think we are talking about living together. So I know that might be a little bit fast but we spend every moment possible together now and he is practically living here so it makes scene for us just to live together. But here is the scary part of this... what if it doesn't work out? I move me and my dog in and it doesn't work out and I have to find another place that allows dogs... Very hard to do. If we move in together and it doesn't work out then not only do I loss my place but I loss my boyfriend.... scary! I'm not alone any more... how is this a negative? Well I have grow to love my free time, and my alone time, I really enjoy having time to myself and this would mean having to consider someone else ALL THE TIME! Oh yeah I forgot to mention TRAFFIC! So at current I live about 5 mins from work.. which is awesome! But moving in with him would mean I would be moving way far away from work! SUCKS

Plus side, we are living together and no much changes because we spend all our extra time together now only there is not two sets of everything, which would be nice. Living right next to a park! How lovely just to go for walks and enjoy nature I think that would be nice. I'm kind of falling for the guy and to be with him would be totally joyful and great!

Oh I don't know... when is it to soon to move in with your other? I'm going to go shopping cause I need to not be at home where I could smoke if I wanted to I need to be somewhere that is NON SMOKING all the time cause right now I feel like I'm going to break.

Alright thats all night all

Ahh falling behind again

So I have fell behind in blogging this past few days its been really busy! I have two new recipes to report on the first was a fish dish with home made fries :) yummy

So here it is:

1 cup oyster crackers (what the F are oyster crackers? no idea I didn't use them!)
1/3 cup Ritz crackers (adds an interesting flavor which is pretty good!)
3/4 cup Parmigiano Reggiano Cheese
1/3 cup flat leafs parsley
3 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
2 tablespoons fresh tyme leaves
1 tablespoon OLD BAY Seasoning ( WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Great question its an American product that is not sold in Canada! So here is what I did a pinch of ginger, nutmeg, paprika, mustard spice and oregano just a pinch of all of them maybe 1/2 teaspoon each)
1 teaspoon garlic powder or granulated garlic
flour
2 larger eggs
Extra Virgin Olive Oil (EVOO)
4 Sole or Tilapi
salt and pepper
lemon wedges

Okay so now you mix all crackers, cheese, parsley, chives, thyme, all spices and transfer to shallow bowl then lay out you flour, egg wash and mixture and dip in order then fry in larger skillet with EVOO

Fries: Super easy for two
2 larger potatoes
salt
pepper
oregano
Garlic powder

Per heat oven to 400Degrees

Dress cut potatoes and cook for 35 mins. Then enjoy the wonderful meal, start the fries about 20 mins before the fish as it only takes about 10 mins for two fish to cook.

So I really liked this dish it was easy and tasty!

Tonight's meal was Spaghettini with Scallop Arrabbiata
OH MY GOODNESS YUM~!
12 12oz oz(340 gr) (340 gr) spaghettini
16 16sea scallopsea scallops, (about 14 oz/400 g)
1/2 1/2tsp tsp(2 mL) (2 mL) salt
2 2tbsp tbsp(25 mL) (25 mL) extra-virgin olive oil
2 2oz oz(57 gr) (57 gr) pancetta, coarsely chopped ( I would suggest using real bacon cause this stuff was costly and didn't taste all that great to me for the price I paid)
1 1small onion, chopped
2 2cloves garlic, minced
1/2 1/2tsp tsp(2 mL) (2 mL) hot pepper flakes
1/4 1/4tsp tsp(1 mL) (1 mL) pepper
1 1can can(19 oz/540 mL) whole tomatoes
2 2tbsp tbsp(25 mL) (25 mL) chopped fresh parsley

Preparation:

In large pot of boiling salted water, cook pasta according to package directions; drain and return to pot.

Meanwhile, remove tough muscle from each scallop; sprinkle with 1/4 tsp (1 mL) of the salt. In skillet, heat 1 tbsp (15 mL) of the oil over medium-high heat; cook scallops, in batches, until golden, about 2 minutes. Remove and set aside.

In clean skillet, heat remaining oil over medium heat; cook pancetta until crisp, about 5 minutes.

Add onion, garlic, hot pepper flakes, pepper and remaining sa< cook, stirring occasionally, until onion is softened, about 5 minutes.

Mash tomatoes and add to pan; cook, stirring occasionally, until thickened, about 10 minutes.

Add parsley and scallops; cook until scallops are opaque, about 1 minute. Toss with pasta.

Okay so this is out of Canadian Living and man it was easy! And SOOOO GOOD! I would totally make it again!

Any way its late I wasn't at work today cause I was home sick and tomorrow is going to be a long day of returning phone calls and losing my voice I'm sure.

All my love to all those out there.

Night

A weekend away

So this weekend was spent traveling and working. I went to a very amazing beautiful place with my man. He went snow boarding and I worked an event. Well tried to work there really wasn't that much for me to do but it was nice to get away and enjoy some beauty!

sweet and cute moments:

1) We are in our hotel room that over looks the amazing rocky mountains, he trips over my shoe and I say "oh be careful" and he says "I'm just falling for you" lol aww so sweet and cute

2) sitting at the gala at our table and I try this cracker he is having and I say "odd it tastes like there is something sweet in these" he leans close to me and says "the only thing sweet here is you" and kisses my cheek. Pitter Patter goodness so sweet what a guy.

3) also at the table at the gala we are holding hands and laughing, kissing, looking deep into each others eyes and I say "oh my goodness we are THAT couple", he laughs and say "what couple?", Me "the couple that everyone hates at the table, people looking and rolling there eyes and one old lady looking sweetly at us I'm sure thinking something lovely about us, you know the gushy couple" and he pauses and says "oh we totally are" and then kisses me again.

So needless to say I'm totally smittin with this man and tonight is the first night in I don't know how many days that I will be sleeping alone and I already miss him. I'm not going to see him tommorrow ether and he is going away for the night so that means two nights alone. Which makes me sad. He kind of mentioned something about spending so much time together that we should live together.... ok so thats a little scary!

I'm crazy about this guy right now but my last living situation with a man and I so do not ever want to experience something like that again! I don't think he would ever turn into that but man it freaks the crap out of me. I right away said I don't think thats a good idea yet, it being so soon and all. But I think it would be really nice, and I think that we would be really so great together in all ways so scary but nice sounding. Any way I'm not totally sure whats going to happen but I think it is moving something amazing. I'm totally sleepy so I feel like this is not understandable any more so I'm going to go.

But on a final note I'm just a really happy girl and I am thankful for this whatever comes of it.

Comfort

So tonight is all about comfort! Not the kind you might be thinking of like your favorite pair of pj pant, slippers, cotton undees, and no not even t-shirt. Comfort of being with someone.

Here are some signs when you know you have entered the comfort zone:

6) The person brings a tooth brush into your home, or you buy one for them
5) All the sudden you have coffee in your house, a coffee maker and you DO NOT drink coffee!
4) They have there own space in your dresser
3) You notice when you are alone in bed
2) You give them a key to your home
Top number one way you know:
1) The other person rips one in your presents (farts) and laughs about it!!!

So guess how I know this? Cause they have all happened! LORD

That's it, its official you are totally for sure 100% in a relationship and guess what you are and he is in fact comfortable in your presents! But really farting, what the F??? lol

Any way life is really good right now even with the farts :P I'm super happy, I'm much happier with my job because the people there are fantastic! I still love my place, coming home and smiling so wonderful. I have the sweetest little puppy that loves me more then anything in this world, so fantastic and has nipped that clock in the bud for the moment! I have a man that is fantastic! Life is amazing, life was pretty freaken fantastic before but now I'm over joyed with it all, its just all so good. The only thing that gets me down is that I miss my family like crazy these days! All I want is to go home, hug my sister, hug my nephews and give them kisses, hug my dad, hug my mom and snuggle with her on the sofa like we use to do when I was little (one of my favorite memories with my mommy).

I miss them more then words can possibly discribe, I never thought I would ever miss them all this much, when I was younger I was totally ok with being far far far away and now I'm a big baby and all I want is to see them and laugh with them and build some new memories with them, and laugh and smile and hug and can you tell yet I miss them like crazy! Part of me is really truly thinking about how I can move bakc to the home land and take my fantastic little life with me. Have not figured that out yet but I'm working on it!

Any way thats all for tonight I'm pretty cold and need to get some warmer comfy clothing on :) The kind of Comfort I totally love and enjoy, the first kind of comfort really is not all that bad ether, even the farts :)

Happy New Years!

It is officially 2010! I am looking forward to this year I think it will be one for the records. Some things I wonder about are what will become of all kinds of things. I wonder about the future and if things will work out the way I hope. Today I am taking the day to myself! Starting this year with a them of relaxation, living in the present and enjoying all the fruits of the world... and sucking the nectar out of it all.

Enjoy, love, be at peace, keep a peaceful heart, say thank you more often, hold the door for the person behind you, be clam, smile more often and most of all take the time to appreciate the people in your life be with them, love them, hug them, keep them close to you, be kind to them, and always always ALWAYS have the time for them!

Happy New Year to one and all :)

Two Parter

Part One: The creation of the dog bed.

So Yesterday I went to my friends to introduce my new puppy to her new puppy. My friend has this cute little dog bed. I think to myself Roxy (my puppy) needs a dog bed, I have a kennel but no lovely little bed.

My friend recently started swing and sent me this link to how to make dog beds.
Dog Beds



Here is my results with puppy included :)


So cute!

Part Two:

okay this is the venting part, so if you are not interested in reading something about venting move on now!

TRAFFIC:
Okay I remember thinking traffic is not that big of a deal its just people moving from here to there and so what I am clam and the master of the road. But the I think as the temperature drops and thing freeze and I believe that the average persons brain to freezes and people totally forget how to drive!

I swear it must be that but then I think about it and nope that's really not it cause people suck at driving in the summer to. People suck at driving in the city! I can't even begin to explain the udder stress I was in today just trying to get to the store for food! Someone was driving at 30km in a 80km zone and slipping all over the place and being stupid. I finally pass them and OH MY GOD you are a stupid person, on the phone talking away not paying attention to the road... big surprise! Man I am just pissed at this person and I keep on my way then this jack ass cuts me off going so fast that he almost hits me and my heart is just pounding and I am ready to cry and all I want to do is go home and sit in my warm house with no drivers!

Any way that is it and I am done venting now. Thank you for listening.

To my Lovely Sister

I know I am a day late and I know that is bad and yes your package will come but more then likely in the New Year. However from me to you HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

I Love you, and I miss you more. You are the best sister one could ever ask for. You are strong, amazing, funny, sweet, outstanding, beautiful and so much more to me!

I love you I love you I love you!

PS This is for you

I am Cooking Goddess!

So last night I made three items totally by scratch! I was so worried that it was not going to turn out as I am not really much of a cook but my god I am good!

Thank you Rachael Ray and your website for the Wonderful Meal! I highly recommend you try it out!

Item One:
Dijon Tarragon Chicken
http://www.rachaelray.com/recipe.php?recipe_id=857

Item Two:
Rice Pilaf
http://www.rachaelray.com/recipe.php?recipe_id=13

Item Three (the most tasty and amazing YUM)
Roasted Squash Vegetable Medley
http://www.rachaelray.com/recipe.php?recipe_id=575

So for a yummy home cooked meal that speaks of winter but tastes of spring please give it a try and let me know what you think! So good

I think I will try and make something new at lest once a week. Now that I have a man in my life it seems like I want to cook more again! Also I was inspired by a movie :)

Happy Cooking : )

T'was the Night before Christmas

And all through the house a creature was steering... no it wasn't a mouse! With Me in her Pj's and the man at work. I am just settling down for a movie and then a nap. When all of the sudden what was it I here a little text message and some reindeer? I rose to the phone to see whats the matter. To find a little note with hugs and kisses pitter patter.

And now for some more writing...cause I can't go on with that any more but I think I did a pretty good job. :)

It is Christmas Eve encase you missed that and I am over joyed with how the end of this year is working out! I can't remember the last time I was this happy!

I wanted to up date really just to wish everyone in the world a very Merry Christmas and a New year full of joy, peace, prosperity, love, kindness and hugs :)

Good Night to one and all :)

Its been a while

Well long time no write again! gee I need to get better at this!

So Everything is shinny and new... New job! Woop.... New Puppy! So cute and sweet ... New Man! Who is lovely and amazing and such a fantastic person I'm so lucky to have met him (its only been 2 months :P ) New new new.

I'm very happy and filled with joy this last little while it all seems to be falling into place ever so nicely. I'm over joyed with the out comes that have been coming my way. Now if only the money situation could improve as much as all this other stuff has that would be ideal!

I miss my family and will be missing them through this Christmas I'm not going to make it home this year, and that makes me a little bit sad.

What else? hmm well life is good, I want to start cooking thanks to a movie! It was so all inspiring to watch someone cook through a book and enjoy it and say YUM all the time. Most of the time with the food I make its like oh ok that’s alright but its not amazing!

Any way I'm just updating cause I thought it was totally time and now I'm off to work and play.

The Weekend is my Friend!

Well I take forever to up date... what is going on in the world of me? Well still working at the same crappy job but today was fantastic so that is really good. I am kind of seeing someone and I am not totally sure where that will all go but we are to be hanging out tomorrow night. He is a nice guy but I'm not 100% sure that this is 'the one'. I have been applying for jobs everywhere I can and I keep getting the 'your personality is amazing and you have such a great spirit but not the experience we are looking for' thing and that is so frustrating its not even funny.

I had a doctors appointment that is kind scaring the crap out of me but at the same time things could be worse and I like to look on the positive side of life for the most part. I am only negative about some things and even then I try to spin it in a way that is good. I bought the BEST smelling lotion today, and the most expensive I might add, but I'm kind of in love with it so I'm happy about that.

I wish we could go back to the days when money wasn't the center of all things!

I went to a small town in the south of Alberta to do some training (teacher M haha love it) and on my way home stopped in a small town that is famous for the most silly thing ever. Facebook friends stay posted for photos that I hope to up load soon! I want to go back to school and become a teacher! But I can't afford to do this so that sucks balls! I feel like my lifes work is a calling between Social Work and Teaching both of which don't make the money I need to live, always fun!

I entered a contest to have my student loan paid off and haven't won yet but still have two weeks of draws, please every person out there send me some positive vibes on this one because that is LIFE CHANGING!

And I think my random thought that was ment to be a good post is done now.

so lonely

Well its been awhile yet again and I didn't win the big prize but am thankful for be one out of 98 people who where finalist!

I write tonight because I had a sudden smack in the face of how lonely I am. I drove around so much today just wasting gas because I didn't want to sit at home alone it felt almost unbearable! The thing about life that is the oddest to me is that we are all so really truly alone and we all strive to have a connection in our lives if only for a second or a hour. It is very silly to me that I am so uncomfortable some times being alone. I mean really it should be alright.

I sick of being alone! I'm sick of doing everything by myself! I'm sick of wondering why I feel like the only person on the planet who feels so out of touch with people and the world. I'm sick of wondering who I am and when I lost myself. I'm sick of it!

I just ahhh I just want what we all one someone to spend the days with, the time with, the moments with. Not even a guy in my life but people who are true and there for me. My closest friend is all in family mode with her boyfriend living with her, and then everyone else I knew just is no longer around. You know it sucks, where are friends where is this thing that we are all suppose to have. Am I the only one with nothing? bah

Ok so I'm feel sorry for myself tonight and yes I am a little down these days because I feel like I'm missing the point to all this. I feel like I have lost hope, and that is a destusting feeling, I dream of so much and I have so much faith in things but right now bottom of the freaken world. It just seems hopeless and I wonder some times what the hell am I doing with my life. NO I'm not going crazy, although some times I wish I would at lest then I might have someone to talk to.

Just feel sorry for myself and wondering what the heck is the point right now. knock it up to a shity day.

Tomorrow will be better, I know this! Today is a write off and tomorrow is something I am waiting for. But I dread the end of the weekend I hate my job, although I'm getting sent to Regina next week which is pretty cool.... why you might ask well that is because I have personally been asked to go train the people there on how to manage there job and do all that I do. I have developed this crazy little 101 guide and its pretty great. But here is the great thing and more then likely also why I'm feeling this way. Is no one cares, not my boss, not my ED, not anyone, its just like yes you are going good for you that you where specially requested, who the fuck cares...no one. I can't wait to leave that place its so evil and such negitivity it sucks out my spirit and makes me THIS! This sad, lonely, uninspiried mess of a person, isn't it lovely. AHHH

Good news, I will have an interview coming up for a job I truly want at a place that really believe in and I want this more then anything I can even taste it! I have been trying so hard to find another job and it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. I'm meant to be torn to pieces by those women to the point where I am a mindless person with no hope, and alone.... SUPER GREAT! :(

Any way I'm alive. and that is my update and now I am going to lay in a dark room under a mountain of covers and hope that this all just goes away!

Good night world.... Sleep sweetly.

Four Months Later

So I finally am updating.... it has been a long time. Still happy in my new place, in fact more happy then ever, in love with it, great location, great feel, great just great!

Work is not so good but its been like this for a while so I'm just moving forward looking for that new job that will light me up again.

Today I post because I have two excellent stories.
The first is fast... I am a finalist in a contest and might win a really amazing prize you can bet if I do I will post about that more to come after Friday!

Second... I went back to BC some time ago and brought back with me a bike, a old rusty bike which I have put back together and is working well. Today I decided to get out on it and go for a ride. Towards the end of my street I live on is not the best area. Abandoned homes, scary looking people, BIG dogs that bark as you ride by and at the end of it a field which I sat in and just enjoyed the sun and my last summer day off. Then kept on my way and found this house. This very odd house in the middle of a sad area.


So I can't load the photo's I created an album on my facebook, if we are friends you can see them there if not just know it was something else!

Any way will try to up date soon and not go so long :P

The long wait over!

Well I sit here in my new apartment alone! Finally alone. It took a long time and some super hard moments. It took realizations that you need to be patient and wait. But its here and I'm almost unpacked....I think I should be able to finish tomorrow. This past month has been full of disappointments, joy, stress, and long days. I hope that this new start brings many wonderful things to it.

I am recovering from a cold and a big head ache that I have had all day and will not seem to go away. I am on the look out for a new job now officially. I just need that part of my life to get better and then I will be in the place that I want to be. The place of true bliss and joy and happiness! The future looks bright and exciting! Can't wait.

Any way just a little up date to let any one who reads this know I'm alive and well and in my new place! WOOP

Until soon.

To Wait

Well I have offically moved and am homeless staying with a friend for 18 more days... which seems like forever at this point. I feel like such an ass having to stay with someone. Thank god for good people still in this world. I have given my sercurity deposit for the new place and I look forward to getting in there and making it my own.

Work is going alright, it is work... I am still looking for that great job that fits with my skills and what I am looking for but have yet to find it. Tonight has been a pretty slow night just watching some TV and being cozy in my PJ's.

On the weekend I did a lot! I went to the Symphony which was both amazing and breath taking and I went and saw "He's just not that into you" which I totally recommend to everyone out there. I noticed myself laughing a lot but also going oh shit I've totally been THAT girl... which then made me laugh more. It is a must see and me being the totally mushy girl that I am was all like ahhh how sweet at the end. It was worth the hipe and the wait!

Any way just a little up date to let all you readers know I'm not living in a box on crack lane... woooohhhooooo

Night

Judgement Day

So yesterday I started moving some of my things. The stuff I can fit in my car and today will be more packing the last of my things that can be packed, first need more boxes. But its Monday and the Tenant Landlord place is open but not till 8:30am. So 15 mins to wait and wonder what will be the out come of all this craziness over the weekend. Once I have spoken with them I will have them call the owner of the home and explain what my rights really are. Then ask to have them ask her to call me via cell phone and discuss what will happen from here. Then she can pass the informaiton on to my roommate.

So I sit and wait in anticapation, one of the places I was reffered to call is open now so I'm going to call them first and see what they have to say about the whole situation. Or if they just tell me to call the local service here in town. I know I want to be out by the end of the week at the latest any way and tonight over today will be the majority of the move. This is stressful and its not helping my health choices in food. Yesterday through all the stress I had a begel, a cup of yougurt, and two chicken wraps. Thats it. Not enough food to keep my body feeling well so today my whole body hurts and I am more tired then ever. Good times.

more to come.

The Strom Part two

So the police cam and I have until Monday to figure out what the hell I want to do. So far I have somewhere to stay for the month a friend who is willing to help me move all my stuff for a fee and I'm going to look at a storage unit tomorrow and on hold with Uhaul right now... boo to hold!

My Friend who said I could stay with said I could also store my things at her house but I think thats a bit to much just clothing and bathroom items would be the best. Then I don't have to feel at home I just have to know I'm staying with her until Feb 24/25... lord. What the hell was I thinking.... So I think what I will do is go and try and find some more boxes tonight pack as much as I can. I'm going to check out the rental places tomorrow, maybe rent one. Then Go to work for 3 hours come home move my big stuff that evening with my friend. Bed, Sofa, hope chest, and maybe a truck load of boxes. What ever is left move in my car. Take Monday off move everything out come in clean the place cause I'm nice and then take me and my clothing to my friends for the month. I don't really want to be here with the Massive anger in the air. Its not mentally healthy!

On a Highlight I go the phone call about an hour ago that I got the place that I want on Monday I will go to sign all the papers :D I'm pretty happy about that!!! Really I'm totally flipping out but the excitment is small as I have a lot to do. Sooooo I guess I should get my ass in gear and start doing some stuff. I have a tone of little crap that I want to pack up and get into a box... its going to be a long few days! woop And the joy of explaining this to my boss! FUN

The Strom Part one

So things are bad, really really BAD! I just got off the phone with the police who are now going to be coming to the house to mediate this because she said "Get Out, tomorrow your out, you have no rights" So I said fine I'm calling the police she said go ahead. So I did... and now they are coming. I was told to let her know they are on their way here and then stay away from her. Ok

So in stress and frustration I go to smoke leaving the door open and then it slams behind me. So here I sit stressed, upset, not totally sure what the hell is going to happen in the next 24 hours and ready to pull my hair out. Waiting for the police is just peachy.

So my friend said I can come stay with her and store my stuff there until next month and I think I might take her up on the offer as I do not want to be any where near this place right now. I just wish it wasn't happening this way and I'm worrying that she is right even though I know shes not its just scary. We will see how the rest of the night goes and I am going to start packing some things.

Till later

Dear God

Totally the Clam before the storm, I gave my notice yesterday. A copy to my roommate and a copy for her mom the Landlord. Well giving it to her she says "well I'm your land lord so my mom doesn't need it. hmm when did that change? odd so in the letter is says I will not be paying rent for the month of February as per our first agreement verbally stating I was paying First months and Last months rent. And right then Anger, nothing said but you can see it. So mad.

So I do a ton of research and am ready for this. Once I'm home later.. ding ding Let it begin Anger BIG MASSIVE Anger. She says "I am changing the locks on Sunday you are not aloud to live her for the next month". Umm NO sorry I know my rights and the law really well at this point we have a verbal contract binding in a court of Law! So fine this is about 12:00am not the best time to talk late tired anger not the greatest kind.

So this morning make many more phone calls, no one around as its the weekend. Call the police to get guidance on what I do if she should change the locks on me... Agenst the law! HAha thats right agenst the law. The police would come open the premises and I would have to move all my stuff out... ok and then I'm homeless for a month. Great

So This month I think is going to a hard month I am 100% sure I wish I could afford to just move out to where ever today but I have no notice. So I can take them to court after for damages. hmm god Okay I just needed to document this somewhere and get my barrings together before I go talk to her and let her know I would like to speak with her mother. okay wish me luck

Fun times fun times... mental note NEVER LIVE WITH ANYONE! AHHH

One Last one... because its lovely

You Are an Angel

A truly giving soul, you understand the spirit of Christmas. http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmasornamentareyouquiz/

Nice!

Your Christmas Song Is "Jingle Bell Rock"

Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time Dancin' and prancin' in Jingle Bell Square In the frosty air For you, the holidays are one big party And you always end up having a little too much eggnog! http://www.blogthings.com/whatchristmascarolareyouquiz/

Hahaha So true

You Are Donner

The most lovable and sweet reindeer, you're also a total dork! Why You're Naughty: You keep (accidentally) tripping the other reindeer while flying. Why You're Nice: You're always smiling, even if you've fallen flat on your horns.

dink dink :P

Okay so just as I was about to post runs through my head, Spaceballs, and the part where the little guys are saying dink dink, dink dink :P If you have not seen the movie you will think I'm totally nuts if you have maybe you will laugh, or think wow this girl has gone kind of nuts. hahaah Its the nuts I think :P

Any way in a good mood today and have been for the last little bit which is always nice! I have decided to make the move to stay in this city for one more year at min, I am going to volunteer as a Big Sister and have given a one year commitment :S scary.

So I think life is getting a little bit better still alone most of the time but I'm starting to settle into all of this. Its a little weird to think that I am at this point in my life where everything just seems to be moving around me and I kind of stand there and pick one or two things to jump on but when I was younger I would try to jump on them all and then loss my footing and end up face planting into something hard. OUCH

I have had a million OUCH moments where I just kind of ended up spreading myself to thin and got into trouble. hmm yeah so...

What else is new? work still sucks but I'm starting to get comfy there so the idea of moving to a place is getting scary, lord! Halloween is coming and I need to get a outfit cause I'm going to a party, but to work :P well volunteer! Winter is on the way, SAD, means most of my time will be spent inside I hate winter!

yeah I really just wanted to update cause I was bored but I'm going to head out for a bit now.

Hopefully I will write again soon.

Where the hell have I been?

Well its been a long long time almost 2 months since I last wrote... whats going on in my life now, huh same stuff different day. Still in a job that I hate, but only its getting worse, which means I now hate more then anything to have to go there and just sit in front of that stupid computer screen and try and pass the hours. This life I'm leading right now has gotten me to the point of true unhappiness! I who am normally a happy out going bubbly person am now a drown and all I want is for it to all end. The other day I went to my old work to do a presentation and I felt alive and full again. I was doing something great for others and it shook my very core of being and I realized something this is it, that is what I'm meant to do. Teach, educated, inspire mind to be more. So I am going to work on paying down my student loan and go back to school to get my education degree I think or something because this life will end my soul and that is no way to live at all!

Last night I went to an Artist Gala... alone, and it was amazing! The sounds, the sights, and the feeling of all around was something out of a story book. Just when all the people in one room see something that takes them away from what ever it is that they call everyday life it is truly something else. I have a drive for much these days, call it trying to fill my life with external joy. My old job use to make me so happy I didn't get out there and do much and these days I'm doing so much. I went to something they call global fest here and it was pretty amazing, again going alone. I have gone to everything alone. Its very lonely here!

I have one friend really that is it. She is a great friend but always busy with her own life. Everyone else who I know are just people I talk to from time to time, but only one friend. I've been on a mission to meet someone and I think it is starting to pain me more then really get me out there. I wonder what happened to when people where honest and not just trying to see how many chicks they can nail. I am not one of those chicks but it really shows how someone is when they say or do on thing and then nothing comes from anything. I have given myself a time frame because really there is no reason for me to be in this place. I came for a stupid reason, I stayed for a great one and now I'm hear because its all I know. Even if I did move back to my home land there is not much there for me. My oldest friends are all in there lives and so happy and I never speak to them any more. I'm not that close with my family and so it would be like living a million miles away no matter what. It would be starting all over again. And I'm not doing all that badly here really. But unhappiness is driving me to a place that is low and dark and full of things that make me feel insecure and lost.

Wow an eye opener of loneliness! That's really what is going on here I'm sure, well not all of it cause I really do hate my job but the source of my despair is wrapped up in an ugly little bow called loneliness! Today I am off to the market to walk around alone feeling inadequacy and eventually coming home with a scene of unwell being. Wish me luck. haha

Well at lest I can laugh about it still, its when the laughter stops that's when the real problem will start.

Somewhere along the way I lost part of who I was, rediscovering that has been both joyful and painful. It is still hard to think that life has taken me the way it has for some divine plan that we are all totally unaware of and yet part of. Some how I will raise above all of this but the ladder is high and the sight seems like a long path and for some reason it scares the living crap out of me.

That's it for today.... I will try to be more on the ball with this thing.
Cheers~

Extra Extra Monthly update!!

Gezz I suck at writing these days... so where to start?

I have a new job that I dislike because it does not fit right, its like that shoe that is two sizes too small looks cute on and totally amazing but by the end of the night you are thinking "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING"! Oh yeah thats right I'm not happy WOOH

So I emailed my old CEO yesterday asking if there was any way to come back in any capacity because I believe in what they are doing, I have not heard from her yet. I sure hope that I do, so I'm on a mission to find something else back in the field that I was in before because I found my passion and my drive and I was in love with my life.

The man front... oh and back thats right folks I am still single woop woop! But you know that movie 50 first dates totally sweet and lovely and wonderful all fluffy and pretty him making her fall in love with him every day, sigh... so not my life! However I have dated more then I have ever dated in my whole life... and its fun, met some cool dudes who are totally clueless as to what a find I am. One guy thinks the world of me and could I be any less interested eww! Then there is this other one that totally wants to date and have fun, he's alright but I already know he is not the guy for me. Then this guy who is totally great husband material but is totally 100% emotionally unavailable due to the fact that he just split with his ex of 7.5 years.... man can I pick them. Oh yeah and all the dates that go great and then there is a second date and it bits the mighty one! Thats always fun.... so still looking but I know he is there somewhere in the mix.

hmm what else can I tell you.... ? yup I think thats it, life sucks ass right now, but I'm working on it and I just have to remember how nice its going to be once this is all done with. ahhhh that feels good saying that. All in all besides the crap I'm a pretty happy camper because at lest it is not like it use to be and that makes me smile ear to ear. And the sheer dream of what my life is going to look like that helps make me smile as well. All good things, I have not been to work in the past few days can you tell can you can you ???

Any way I'm going to call it a night and head to my bed, well really I'm going out to look at the stars but yeah I will make sure to try and update at lest once a month.

Ciao

Man oh man

I am bad at this as a total now! I think I will just have to keep trying to do a monthly thing cause I have a hard time getting on and writing. Most of the time I have no idea what to say. So update well I'm at a new job which is very different from my last and I'm having a really hard time adjusting in this environment.

I'm still single and I give up on looking as a general whole now~! I hung out with one of my oldest guy friends and it was so weird cause I have liked him forever! And well it was nice but I just don't know. He is great and something felt really right with him but something larger felt really wrong with him. I just don't know, there is so much going on in my life right now.

Any way I have to get going to bed just thought I would let people know I was alive, I will try and update more soon!

Again forever.

So I'm really bad at updating these days. Ok here we go since the last time I wrote. No longer seeing that guy, and finally took him out of my phone book after about a month. I need to move on to better things. He was just so fantastic to me and I have clouded thoughts when I feel that way. But there are better things in the future! I have had a job interview and looking to move on in whatever way possible.

I have been just trying to be at peace with being single and not look for anything. I give up officially and when he comes along I hope I will not be so blind to miss him. It has been beautiful here the last few days and I am so happy that it looks like the summer is finally making its way back into my life!! I was thinking of taking a mini break for May long but I have to wait to see if I get my job to plan anything for sure.

I am reclaiming my life! I want things, I have goals and its time to work on me and improving my life. Woop go me go! haha Any way I wanted to update and let everyone know I'm alive and well and ready to dance in the streets. Will try to me more mindful about updates.

Cheers

hmm

Well since the last time I wrote I have been on Vacation back to the home town, which was a nice break from the norm. I finally saw that I really do like it here in Calgary but now that I'm back I'm stressed out again and feeling like my world is falling apart. I've had a really bad day today, if I would have wrote yesterday this would be a totally different story I was on cloud nine yesterday.

I feel lost today and under the weather. I was just getting healthy and can not afford to be sick at all need to make some progress at work! I'm going to up date more when I'm in a better frame of mind I just thought I would let everyone know I was alive. I'm going to bed~!

Not sure, and am wondering when I will be

So, life is this odd place that is always a little messed up. Most of time I'm not sure what is up or what is down, and right now I'm feeling more and more lost. Things with dream boy are so odd and I am not sure what to do with him anymore or if he really is the guy of my dreams and we are not dating yet this is just straight from the heart of the matter. One min he's totally into me and the next he doesn't seem like he really wants more. I'm really confused by him right now and am starting to think that maybe he is doing this for a reason. Could it all be a test?

Work is going alright but I just don't know what I want any more. I think thats the largest problem of all I just don't know as a whole what the heck I want any more. I just wish I felt like I had something to hold onto. I'm not sure when or if that is going to happen. I'm going to take some time to think this weekend about all this stuff and figure out what I need to do here. I'm going to head out now.

Brr!

So its been a bit since I have written anything, I thought it might be time to up date. First of all I'm going to start this by saying it has been really cold here these past few weeks, so cold that I felt like my lungs where going to break when I went out side. BRR! Its been an interesting few weeks. One of my dear friends is in and has been for the past well the hospital last week they told her she had MS. Its always interesting to see how other people take this harder then the person who should be taking it the worst. One of our friends has been going on and on about how this is so hard for her, how the hell is this hard for you? All you have to do is be a friend and show that you care for her, you do not have to live with this. Grow up!

I have been seeing more of the man in my life, we are not dating yet but I kind of take it that we are, I know he has not said this and there is nothing official but I only have eyes for him. Most amazing I have felt, he is just unbelievably amazing! The most amazing thing in this world is giving someone the power to hurt you and trusting them that much not to. I truly understand this now. After all the shit I have been through with these past years I never thought I could trust a person to myself. And this is mainly because I don't think I really ever have. I let people close to me but I never let them all the way in. He is the one I will let in and am letting in scary as all sin but at the same time totally liberating.

I see him tonight and can not wait to be in his arms safe and warm, most amazing. I have been working a lot these days and Friday I thought I was going to die, I am now well rested and ready for another week of lots of work. I'm working two jobs at the moment and getting a little burnt out but I really need the money to fix some problems. I am not totally sure where my whole like is going at the moment and I think this is the first time in the history of me that I'm okay with that. Its the oddest feeling in the world because I always feel like I have to be going towards something and right now I feel ok just being.

Any way I think I'm done for the moment I will try and up date again soon.

Hmm

So I had a job interview today that went very well, its for a second job. She is going to call my references tomorrow and then let me know, she really liked me and what I had to say she just said she needed to make sure I was as good as I sound.

I thought I would update on that guy, so I think I scared him away a little because I asked him if we where dating or not. I think I might have moved a little fast for him, because the last time I saw him he was very distant and acting a little odd. So now I have to try and rebuild what I might have broken. I really like him and would really like to see where this is all going.

I hope to see him again soon but I'm not totally sure what will happen at this point. All I can do is hope. I want to see him very much. I also hope that he is as worth it as I think he is. Any who what else is going on???

Work is going well, still wishing I made more money but what can you do, not in the field I am in for the money! My lips have been so chapped lately and not from something good like kissing! From the stupid weather, they hurt so much! I might not be drinking as much water as I should be ether so that needs to start happening.

Might make a trip back to my home town soon, that will be really nice to see the nephews and my sister. Not sure if I will see the rents while I am there but who knows. The last talk I had with mother did not go very well. No idea! Any way I think I'm down for tonight will try to write more some time soon.

Welcome 2008!

Happy New Year!

It is the end of a year and a road full of possibilities for many. A time for resolution, a time for starting a new and a time for looking back. This past year has been a roller coaster for me its been a year of sorrow, grief and lost in many ways. However it has also been a year of discovery, growth, and foundation building. I have been through more this year then what I ever thought I would have to go through, as said before a roller coaster! I would truly like this year to be the one that shines.

There are many things I would like to do and some that might be harder then others. The first of which I am starting to make moves to this Saturday. I ran into my old boss who began to ask me how I was liking my job, and I said love it, would like to make more money but love it! He offered me a job, gave me his card and said call me ASAP. Tomorrow I think I will to find out the details of what that would look like. I think this job might be good to go back to not at all in the same field which I think I really need! Will see how that all goes.

I'm hoping much for this year to come and I have no idea what it will bring. Such is life. Always hoping for the best never knowing for sure! I hope the new year brings every one a little peace, joy, happiness and love. Cheers

Something is happening

I have been seeing this guy for a little while now and I think I'm starting to really like him. I'm not sure what we are doing yet or if we are even really dating but I like him a whole lot. Last night we spent talking and laughing and falling asleep in each others arms it was beautiful. There is something very mysterious about him and I find that very intriguing. I hope that he will make some kind of commitment some day because I can not keep going on like this.

I am alone for the holidays, I was to be going back to my home town but at the last min that changed. I'm not totally sure what I will do yet, but I would like to thank all the people I know for the kind thoughts and invites to join them. I do not want to be a burden so I think I will just stay at home. I think I'm going to start making my own thing up because I don't want this to happen next year. You know its been more then a year since I have seen my parents and it does not seem that they care all that much. At lest this is home my mother is making it out to be.

I am feeling a little lost these days, its not a good thing, and I really want it to go away. I work tomorrow Christmas eve and I work, was not suppose to but am, didn't want to stay home and cry more, I think I have cried enough the last few days for a few years now. Any way I think I'm going to head out for a little bit here or do something any way. I would like to wish everyone in the world Happy Holidays and may you and yours be filled with joy.

I think my body is trying to tell me something

So I am now another year older, and I think that something is going on. I first had a really bad cold lost my voice and felt super dizzy all the time, thought I would totally better just in time for my big day. Then on that night started to feel sick. Spent last night in the No Urgent Emergency room although they made it seem like it was pretty urgent. Got an IV due to Dehydration and fever got released at like 4:30 or something. So much fun. I'm not totally sure what my body is trying to tell me but maybe its a combination of stress and not being as health, even though I thought I was doing great. I have 11 days until I get a week off which I'm hoping will be a nice change.

Any who I just wanted to update saying I'm alive, not so well but alive non the less. I hope I feel better tomorrow really need to be at work for a meeting man I just want to not feel so shitty and I really wish I had it in me to eat something. I feel hungry but I also feel like if I put anything in me its just going to be a bad idea. Need some soup that might be the easiest to get down. Any way I'm going to go now.

hehehehe fun

You Are Comet

A total daredevil, you're the reindeer with an edge! Why You're Naughty: You almost gave Santa a heart attack when you took him sky diving Why You're Nice: You always make sure the sleigh is going warp speed

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

hee hee

Your Elf Name Is...

Sassy Slave O' Santa

What's Your Elf Name?